#237 – The Expat Files: Navigating the Chaos of Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder My thoughts ever straight Hi everybody I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files Living in Latin America the show that tells you what it's really like to live work play and or retire in Latin America I tell it just like it is so let's get started Now before I get started with some meat and potatoes here, and if you're a vegan that would be soy and potatoes I guess I like to remind you that me and the gang at expat wisdom are thinking about putting together some one-day fast-track seminars Specifically designed to jumpstart your perspective move to becoming an expat down here in Latin America

[00:50] You know kind of spell things out in general answer some questions and give you a solid game plan so if you're interested in attending a short one-day seminar just send me an email Johnny at expat wisdom comm or the expat files at gmail.com and Be sure to tell me where you live not your exact address of course But tell me what city you're living or the city that's closest to you and that includes you guys and gals in Europe Too because I know there's huge numbers of you guys that want to get out of Dodge before that place completely crumbles So send me an email and tell me about where you're located and if there are enough people interested There's a chance that expat wisdom will be landing in a city near you Okay, enough said about that today Let's start by talking about things down here in Latin America that affect expats every single day now

[01:40] I know in a past show I mentioned that Latin America has its own version of speed bumps You know those lumps and bumps in the road that are supposed to put you on alert Worn you have something nasty or dangerous that's coming up ahead or I guess to wake you up at night If you're falling asleep at the wheel well down here in Latin America They have those things in a very big way And they're called tumelos and truthfully they're responsible for many many more accidents than they were intended to prevent Which is why I'm sure that Latin American Transportation and civil engineering departments are staffed by complete losers and idiots that could never get an equivalent job In the private sector, but really it boils down to nepotism You know once you're elected mayor or their version of senator or city councilman

[02:26] You give those jobs to your friends and family even if they have only sixth grade educations It doesn't matter. This is Latin America and nothing changes all those friends and family and cronies walk away millionaires in the end millionaires in pesos lampiras and boulevards that is I know you read about roads to nowhere and abandoned public works projects by the hundreds sinkholes and road washouts and bridges collapsing and This will shock you har har most often built with money That's been donated by naive first-world countries and do-gooders That is after the politicians have skimmed at least half of it for themselves the fact is anytime you drive down here in Latin America you'll see every kind of substandard road construction you can think of and Some you never thought of and wouldn't have believed possible if you hadn't seen it with your own eyes

[03:15] But the one good thing is the Latin press is all over that stuff and you read about it all the time Articles like that appear every single day in the local newspapers, and I'm not kidding But it's like a Chinese water torture the general population is just numb to it They don't want to hear about it anymore what they want to do actually is get a job in government themselves That's the goal of every mediocre uneducated Latin get a government job So they could get overpaid for sitting on their dead asses, too And if they're lucky get a government job in a very corrupt department where it's possible to skim with impunity Just like the big boys do now if there's one thing that expats notice right away as soon as they land in Latin America Besides the horrid state of the bathrooms that is they see that driving down almost any Latin American road is like driving through a minefield

[04:05] Soon they begin to experience things that they never would see up in the first world like four-lane highways Abruptly turning into two or even one potholes the size of Volkswagens vast stretches of road Pitched the wrong way so that when it rains one whole side of the highway gets completely flooded out Then when you're in the city There's always dozens of unmarked one-way streets that are one way today But not next week it seems those idiot transit guys are always playing musical chairs with the one-way streets In fact right now I could show you a very busy place in San Pedro Sula Honduras where there's a one-way street Okay, that's all right Then the next streets a one-way street and the next one and the next one and the next one

[04:52] There's four one-way streets all running parallel with each other each one block from the other one So you're thinking what's so crazy about that? You see that in places like Cleveland and Chicago all the time, right? Yeah, but the thing is you don't see four one-way streets in a row all running in the same direction But if you think on that a while there really is a good explanation for all that Like expat Eddie says in the workforce like everywhere else It's Darwinism the survival of the fittest which is part of what the gringo advantage is all about too But Eddie also says and I love this observation. He says in government It's reverse Darwinism since you can never really get fired no matter how incompetent you are and

[05:39] Often because you've got friends and relatives in high places there, too You actually get promoted beyond your level of incompetence kind of a super Peter principle on steroids So in government, especially Latin government what you have is an IQ race to the bottom Not the top and it's just so evident to us expats that you can't miss it But to Latins of all kinds no matter what socioeconomic class they're in. That's just the way it is They've got nothing else to measure their government against. It's what they're used to Oh, and I have to mention don't forget those lunatic motorcycles driving down sidewalks Weaving through traffic against the flow like rats in a maze Just don't be surprised if they brush right up alongside your new paint job and collapse your side mirror or even take it out

[06:29] Completely and they just keep motoring on like it never happened. Of course Over the years that's happened to me a dozen times now I ask you if some scumbag like that scratched a nice deep line right down the side of your car What would you do? He won't stop its normal procedure for him He weaves through traffic all the time and certainly scratches a few cars a couple times a month And even if he did stop who you gonna sue a guy with a twisted 90 CC rice burner in a case like that It's no time to be thinking like a first-world guy down here You just have to suck it up and get on with your life And can't you see that's another reason not to have a nice car down here? And by the way a good reason not to be packing heat especially if you're a hothead or you have that road rage disease like so many of us expats have and just can't seem to shake and

[07:21] What do you do when you are going down a one-way street? And suddenly you notice a block or two ahead a car's going the wrong way down the one-way street And he's headed right towards you because he decided for the moment. It's not a one-way after all not for him now That's happened more than 50 times to me since I've been down here I can tell you that and remember if you flip the guy the bird This is Latin America, so he doesn't really know what that means most times He'll just think you're waving at him and he'll wave back and smile and he'll mean it Which will really piss you off and what do you do when you're going 65 miles an hour and a four-lane highway suddenly turns into two? Or one lane without any notice you can count on that happening practically every time you take to the road And by the way every expat down here and knows what it's like to hit one of those speed bumps or two melons at about

[08:11] 65 miles an hour. I'll tell you that's a brain-jarring experience. You'll never forget. So the problem is down here two melos Unintentionally they serve two purposes one to slow you down for something or another and two to destroy your car Especially cars that ride a bit low in the first place now I wouldn't be bringing two melos up again because I did mention them in a past show But I thought I would elaborate because every time I'm with a green gringo in a car They always freak out when they see these things and even worse when they appear out of nowhere So many times gringos riding shotgun with me will grab my shoulder and say holy What the hell is that that's why it's good to get behind a local because they all know where these things are placed And if you're behind a guy like that, he'll slow down accordingly and you just follow his lead

[08:58] So it's clueless gringos and out-of-towners that whack these things at high speeds not the locals now get this The average ground clearance on a production car is between five and seven inches And that's when your cars only got about one or two average sized Passengers so even if you have a car that rides a little high like a station wagon or a pickup and you load it down then I assure you there will be times that your ground clearance is like four to four and a half inches and If you've been on the road down here in Latin America, even for 10 or 20 minutes You'll soon pick up on the fact that Latin Americans always Overload their vehicles and though to Latins having a low rider is cool aside from that They don't think that their cars and trucks have any weight limit at all they'll just keep piling on the crap till the springs and the shocks and the struts just give out and collapse and

[09:48] I'm dead serious about that and as much as we gringos might laugh when we first see a pickup truck with 16 people in it Or a station wagon with its ass and scrape in the ground. Well, just think of it this way They're actually doing us expats and gringos a really big favor Why because if you look closely at the two mallows down here those big massive speed bumps You'll notice the very top portion the highest point the part that your car is gonna bottom out on has been scraped flat Turns out right after a two mallow has been installed. It's way too high in the next couple weeks That's the part that's gonna get scraped flat and basically worn down to an average height of about five inches Now a two mallow can start out at basically any height Anywhere from four to eight inches and an eight inch two mallow is an absolute suicide drive for any normal car

[10:39] But you see there are so many Overloaded vehicles down here in Latin America with ground clearances of three four and five inches that within a couple of weeks No matter how high a two mallow is it's been ground down to about four or five inches so basically if you're driving a car and you drive prudently you only have to worry about the new ones and Yes, the street crews do paint brand new two mallows once they're finished though That's about the last time they ever do get painted So anyway at least you can spot a brand new two mallow from a distance And you should know that on some of these bigger two mallows You'll have to come to nearly a complete stop before you attempt to go over that bump because if you don't Just the act of your front tires rolling over the two mallow and coming down the other side Will force your front tire springs to compress and your frame will often scrape the speed bump and believe me

[11:29] It's quite a sickening sound So there are times when you're gonna bottom out so bite the bullet and the only way you're gonna have a soft landing is to break a bit as your wheels go over the hump on the other side and Here's a tip just watch the guy that's in front of you and see how hard he takes the two mallow See how close he comes to bottoming out and here's the problem when there's no one in front of you and the two mallows Unmarked or the paint has just been worn off from so many scrapes Well, then you and your car are gonna get your bones rattled Which is another reason why I don't recommend driving in Latin America at night Unless you're quite used to that particular stretch of road and still that's no guarantee because new two mallows and other road hazards Can pop up at any time in any place and never forget that Latin American road crews do not

[12:18] necessarily mark road construction sites at all and they don't really care if you hit a barrier or an open manhole or go over A cliff because down here. No one has ever successfully sued the government for that kind of thing. Not that I know of anyway That's why replacement shocks and car alignment centers are doing landmine business down here. Did I say landmine? Hmm? Which leads me into another kind of related subject now a lot of people say Johnny You've mentioned that cops don't pull people over down in Latin America and they don't engage in high-speed Chases whether it's because they don't have enough gas or are just asleep at the side of the road. It doesn't matter They don't do it. That said let me clarify something here. The fact is the cops aren't totally useless If you're down here in Latin America on the road

[13:05] Every so often it'll look like a cop has actually pulled someone over and that's the first thing we think when we see cop lights Flashing alongside a car on the road Well, let me straighten you out on that Like I've said before cops just don't chase people pull them over and give them tickets it turns out that down here there are so many vehicle breakdowns that I think a good business for an expat would be to have a Rescue vehicle with some spare tires charged batteries and gasoline on hand and a tow bar Especially the gas because that's the number one reason people are off on the side of the road They ran out of gas now, you already know there's no such thing as maintenance down here So roadside breakdowns are the norm down here, but there's another big reason for so many breakdowns drivers overload their vehicles to such a degree that many times you see a stranded car or pickup on the side of the road with a

[13:56] Wheel housing completely collapsed and you can't fix a bent driveshaft or axle by changing the tire It'll definitely need a tow. Oh and by the way these guys with the really junk cars and trucks that are so overloaded that they're nearly Collapsing they're always plastered with religious stickers that say things like Jesus protects me And the Lord is my co-pilot and stuff like that and when I'm with expat Eddie And we see a broken-down vehicle with stickers like that and they all have them Eddie always says you know if Jesus was hitchhiking I'd give him a lift, but I wouldn't let him drive And sometimes you know when I'm driving with Eddie on the highway And we see a truly embarrassing piece of crap that's doing the speed limiter better You know the usual for down here bald tires no lights busted windshield way overloaded and with multiple Jesus stickers of course

[14:45] Now that's when Eddie will say something like look at that Johnny How can you say you don't believe in miracles and you know he might have a point there? So back to what I said cops don't pull anyone over in a high-speed chase But they are good Samaritans and they'll pull over to help you out when your car's sidelined and in distress And that's about one of the only things cops are good for down here They're pretty good about that. They'll try to give you a push and play around with your battery Go under your hood and mess with your wiring and stuff generally. They'll make it worse cuz they're idiots, too Just remember what I said 95% of the police in Latin America do not own cars themselves never had and never will because they can't afford it Now it makes sense that you don't ask a guy who's never owned a car in his life to help you fix yours

[15:33] I mean you don't ask a bricklayer to help you fix your iPod. You know And do remember that when a Latin cop pulls over to help someone in distress like that It doesn't matter how unfit for the road the guy's vehicle is the cop will never write a ticket no matter How many windows are broken how overloaded the thing is? Nor does it matter if all the headlights and taillights are burnt out or broken or if all the seatbelts are missing In fact it doesn't even matter if they've got a case a beer open or a bottle tequila in the car You can count on the fact that no one's gonna get a ticket Though you might have to donate a couple of beers to the cause You know in fact in all my time down here the only time I've ever seen anyone get a ticket Except for parking tickets that is is when some driver was actually Singled out and pulled over at one of those stationary roadblocks that I talked about and even then they won't write you a ticket if your

[16:24] Windchills broken or you're missing seatbelts or your brakes don't work and your lights are burnt out They don't care one bit about that. It's not even on the radar in fact They've got no yearly vehicle inspections down here at all in fact They never inspect your vehicle for anything because like expat Eddie says if they actually had routine vehicle Inspections and gave out tickets and fines for that kind of stuff Latin countries would have no national debt And there'd be nothing but brand-new cars on the road too since they'd be the only ones that had passed But that would never happen because you see every single cop car and government car has Dozens of those kind of violations and well you get the point So when do cops give out traffic tickets? They'll give you a ticket with a small fine if your driver's license is expired or you're not carrying a copy of your car

[17:15] Registration papers it seems like all the transit cops care about is that your government paperwork is in order that you paid your license It's up to date, and you've paid the yearly car plate fee The cops aren't there to enforce any kind of safety regulations or rules whatsoever Hell every day the cops themselves violate dozens of the same rules Just realize the cops down here are not at all like the ones you're used to up in the states not to say that it's a bad Thing down here. They're not your friends, and they're not your enemies They're just window dressing that takes up space and that's all they're ever going to be and the only places gringos and expats that I know fear that cops are up in the first world of course number one and The cops in Mexico because they'll extort anything they can from you and thirdly the cops in the high-volume

[18:05] Tourist areas in Latin America because they know a gringo in a car is about ten times wealthier than a latin in a car Not to mention he's carrying about ten times more cash And if he isn't they can drive him to an ATM machine and get a withdrawal But in the rest of Latin America off the tourist trail the cops are well like cigar store Indians You know they can look a bit intimidating But they don't even know to get out of the way when a bird craps on their head now on a related subject I just had a discussion with a friend of mine who got in a car accident And he got nailed at an intersection at eight at night by a guy who ran a red light Like I said in past shows running a red light is such a common thing down here that if you live in a city You'll see it happen dozens of times a day if you're paying attention

[18:51] That's why you should never ever assume that because you've got a green light. You can just whip right through Always slow down a bit and be ready to ride the brake and the situation is much worse at night because you see Latin's Especially ones with expensive SUVs. You know the rich stupid showoffs with bodyguards Well, they believe because they got these big-ass SUVs that they've got the right away at all times And they've got the right to run red lights when they feel like it Especially after their green light has turned yellow in fact one of the guys I know down here who works for a car insurance company He told me that the most common accident scenario is When a guy who was stopped at a red light and it turns green takes off and gets nailed by a guy Coming from his left who just ran a red light and that's because Latin's with big powerful cars

[19:40] especially actually have a habit of accelerating when they see a green light a couple of blocks before they get to the intersection and When it turns yellow that means just step on it So basically what this insurance guy was telling me is that red means stop green means go and yellow means florid So take it from an insurance guy who's seen hundreds of these kinds of accidents he says even if you're a cautious prudent driver, you're still gonna get into a crack up if You assume that green means go and if you get into an accident You're most likely to get hit by one a taxi driver No less because they live by their own rules to buy a bus driver because they live by their own rules, too And three by a pretentious rich dude with an SUV because they think they own the road

[20:25] And it'll never change because cops in cop cars follow the very same rules They're always running red lights and pulling crazy ass moves, too That's why after a few months nearly every new cop car in Latin America has seen a crash or two And by the way, if you get rear-ended in Latin America Which is actually the most common type of accident here more than likely the car that'll hit you will be a beat-up Old junker ready for the graveyard. And why is that? It's that maintenance thing again Tailgaters with faulty brakes and down here because of that personal space issue Every Latino with a car is a tailgater Now let me mention something else that's rather bothersome and really quite annoying and disgusting to gringos and expats Now whether you know it or not Latin America is the land of

[21:12] Spontaneous garbage dumps and sure if you drive along anywhere in Latin America You'll see there's organized garbage pickup and garbage trucks of all sizes and shapes that seem to be making the rounds And you should know that most garbage pickup service is private and you contract with these guys by the month And they usually come by once or twice a week pick up anything that you have and I mean anything And they charge anywhere from three to five bucks a month for the service But you know, this is Latin America where the average salary is like 300 to 350 a month So a lot of people do not or cannot pay that fee and in actuality They should not have to because municipalities have public garbage pickup services But like everything else having to do with government in Latin America, so-called free municipal garbage pickup

[21:58] Is about as dependable as a crack addict So the people who can't afford private garbage pickup and aren't willing to let their garbage overflow on the front doorstep Waiting for the municipal guys to come around like sometimes never Well, they'll take the situation into their own hands and dump that garbage where no one's looking on a side road somewhere And personally, I've seen this happen a hundred times You'll be driving down a nice clean stretch of road in the boonies Enjoying the beautiful view and you'll see some guy pull over in a beat-up piece of crap And he'll just dump about six bags of garbage out on the side of the road and it's the domino effect from then on Then you'll be driving down that road a week or two later The garbage pile will have multiplied and there'll be another guy or two parked alongside of it

[22:45] Dumping crap too and that'll go on and on for weeks and months until finally There's such a big amount of garbage that it's actually impinging on the road itself Soon enough you get mangy dogs and other stray animals rooting through the stuff Then the poorest of the poor dregs of humanity starts showing up and they sift through for whatever they can get out of it Pretty pathetic actually and then after things are well out of control the municipality Finally gets around to posting a little sign that says no dumping allowed Violators will be fine 10 or 20 bucks Whatever it is, but that sign doesn't stop anyone from illegal dumping because no one but no one ever Enforces that law, but you still see signs posted like that on a lot of country roads along with their ever-growing garbage piles

[23:33] So anyway after the municipality posts that sign and some more months go by guess what happens next They put up a bigger sign and that doesn't deter anyone either and by now maybe a year is gone by and that garbage Dump is really out of control Oh and by the way It's not unusual to see a cop car pull over at one of those sites and throw out a few garbage bags of his own Because remember cops with cop cars use their vehicle like a family car They use it to drop their kids at school run errands and haul family members around and if they don't want to pay for private Garbage service they just toss their garbage illegally, too So now of course you're thinking this has got to stop somewhere because someone owns that land and the owner is gonna go to the municipality And put some pressure on them or more likely pay someone under the table, which is usual down here when you're dealing with government

[24:23] So then next thing that happens after the birds and the dogs and the vagabonds have moved in suddenly out of the blue A municipal bulldozer will show up to bury the stuff and level the land then in the next day or two The municipality will dump some big rocks along the side of the road or even construct a concrete or steel guardrail So that it's nearly impossible for you to pull your car or truck in there and start dumping now putting up a guardrail or barricades Doesn't always work because there are certain times of a day on any country road when there's not much traffic at all and the locals And the townies know when those times are so often the problem starts right back up again making some of these clandestine garbage dumps Perpetual though more often than not yet another spontaneous garbage dump or two shows up within a mile or so of the original site

[25:13] And then it grows like a cancer in the same cycle happens again, etc. Etc. Oh And if you want to know about the genuine authorized municipal dumps in Latin America Well, of course as you might imagine though, you're better off not trying to imagine it. Believe me. Anyway, they're the most disgusting Despicable things that you've ever seen in fact every single government authorized dump has entire families of scavengers little kids all the way to old Adults digging through that stinking refuse every single day more or less surviving if you can call it that off the existence of decaying Refuse and nobody doesn't think about it except the occasional do-gooders that come down from the first world to try to help out and these White-bred do-gooders can only hack at a day or two themselves. Believe me

[26:02] And if you're wondering at these government dumps, there are no rubber liners sophisticated methane gas ventilation systems and the like as dumps in the first world require the fact is the majority of these places don't even have fences around them and since those rubberized Impermeable earth barriers aren't required. That means the groundwater in the vicinity and beyond is always contaminated so expats that means you don't want to live within five miles of a place like that and definitely not within smelling distance or anywhere downwind and if you think these dumps are into separating and recycling trash Then just keep drinking at Kool-Aid all those so-called organized recycling efforts have failed in reality It's the vagabonds who live there that do the recycling based on capitalism

[26:49] Of course, they separate out the plastic the paper the glass and the aluminum They scratch out a living that way while organized efforts have failed miserably The fact is I've seen a lot of charities and do-gooder Organizations come down here from the first world for a week or two trying to organize towns and villages out in the boonies To train the common folks out there about recycling. But the fact is these organizations have just not done their homework I mean when you've got 60 or 70 percent of the people who live in the boonies cutting down trees and bushes for firewood for cookstoves I mean, these are people busting their butts living from day to day The last thing they want to do is waste their time separating garbage into pretty plastic colored bins No wonder they think gringos are nuts South of the border down Mexico way

[27:38] That's listening to the expat files living in Latin America Coming to you each week from somewhere south of the border and don't forget you can email me on anything at all about Latin America The expat files at gmail.com. See you next time