#271 – The Expat Files: Life, Wildlife, and Wisdom in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:14] Hello there all you expat wannabes, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America. It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great and it's all right here so let's get started. Okay, here's a recent email I think you're gonna like and it's from Mike. He says, Dear Johnny, just a note to tell you how much I enjoy listening to your delightfully entertaining and descriptive essays on life in Latin America. I have a theory that you're not really trying to encourage Norte Americanos to move to your Latin paradise. I say that because after listening to your program somehow I find myself coming to the conclusion that maybe things aren't as bad up here as they seem before I tuned you in.

[01:01] Thanks for your unintended or perhaps intended support during our times of troubles. P.S. You naturally emphasize lifestyles and relations among two legged Latinos on your program but what about the other inhabitants such as spiders, snakes, scorpions, etc. that you might find trying to mooch a lodging in your condo. I remember the comment of one young lady who visited Costa Rica. She said they have some of the biggest damn spiders that I ever saw. Well at least they don't have that problem in Cleveland. Best wishes Mike. Okay, thanks for that Mike and first I'd like to say I do believe you're the first person to ever use the word delightful in a sentence with my name in it. In fact I remember going through life hearing a lot of four letter words associated with

[01:48] my name. The word jerk being one of the nicer ones. And I've been told that's what happens when you're ahead of your time or you really are a jerk. And the jury's still out on that I guess. But regarding the email I never thought for a minute that I was discouraging people from coming down to Latin America and making it sound like you'd be better off living up in Cleveland but I guess everything's open to interpretation. And it would in fact be in my best interest and all the other expats that are down here right now to subtly try to spin it so that I can discourage you guys from coming down here. Yeah, why should you guys come down here and ruin our version of Paradise? Nobody likes a party crasher you know? So I do get where you're coming from. But like I've been saying probably only one and maybe a hundred people listening to the show will actually make the plans to come down and act on it.

[02:36] Whereas maybe another 10 or 20 percent of you guys will only get your plans underway when the next big first world domino falls and real panic starts setting in. And even then when the next big crisis hits, certainly within the next year or so, you'll be able to get out alright but there's certainly going to be a rush to the lifeboats if you know what I mean. Then I figure the rest of the 60 or 70 percent of you listeners up there who just listen in to hear the continuing saga of Expat Eddie, you guys will never make it down and you know it. When you see the lifeboats are overloaded, that's when you might make a run for it. Maybe. Just maybe. And when you've got no contingency plan and you reach for the emergency exit, chances are it won't open or the doorknob will fall off right in your hand. Then you'll find yourself in a six block long line at the gas station, hoping you can get

[03:24] a few gallons because you heard there are a few ATM machines out in the boonies still giving out cash. And that's when you'll look and see the state of things quite clearly and say, damn, I wish I woulda, coulda, shoulda, followed by a lot of four letter words, and jerk ain't one of them. And if you think I'm being a doomsday alarmist, fine. What's that old saying? God protects idiots, drunks, children, and the United States? And if you buy that, I know where you can buy some derivatives, cheap. So at least you guys up there who haven't made any definite plans yet are listening to this program and gathering as much information as you can. I mean, not everyone listens for Expat Eddie stories, but I think how I really should answer Mike's query is by saying this, why should I subtly and stealthily convince people to

[04:12] stay up in the States when I could just do like International Living does and push them towards Mexico, Panama, Costa Rica, Ecuador, and Uruguay? Now that would certainly preserve my little paradise. Then everybody's happy. That means Expat wannabes were afraid to live off the tourist track and want to hang around with gringos all the time. They can have their little first world pseudo paradise too, but without that gringo advantage and at first world prices, not to mention surrounded by local Latins who've been jaded and contaminated by the gringo dollar. And obviously a lot of Expats seem to be quite happy with that lifestyle. Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, there are a million such Expat suckers in Mexico right now and probably another million spread out in places like Costa Rica, Panama, Ecuador,

[04:58] and Uruguay. And as far as all us Expats off the tourist trail, well, if I preached and endorsed International Living's so-called Expat gringo paradises, my version of paradise off the tourist trail could be forever preserved. So bottom line, and I'm not wavering on this, off the tourist tracks where it's at. And though the small trickle of Expats coming down here is growing, off the tourist trail anyway, there's really no danger of our version of paradise getting ruined. Not in our lifetimes anyway. But do keep your ear to the ground as to what International Living and other popular Expat retirement letters are saying. That way at least you'll be able to find out way ahead of time the places you don't want to live. Unless you really love living around gringos and you got a really healthy first world style

[05:44] retirement package. In other words, forget about Social Security covering it. Which I guess in a sense makes me a real contrarian now, doesn't it? Because you know, many years ago before I ever came down here, I did subscribe to and follow International Living myself. Because it was about the only thing out there for Expat wannabes. After all, at one time I was one myself. And back then, 25 or 30 years ago, before cell phones and the internet I might add, they were just starting out and had a very miniscule subscriber list. I mean when I was checking them out back in Chicago, no one else I knew had any idea at all who they were. You could say I was kind of a charter member. I mean they probably only had about 5 or 10 thousand subscribers back then. But now I understand they have a couple of million subscribers and many times as many hits a month on their website.

[06:30] So you gotta know anytime they're telling you of a so-called Expat secret hideaway. It's a secret shared between you and about 10 million other people. So don't tell anyone, okay? And that's my opinion, so if you don't like it, sue me. But you have to find me first. Now about the second part of Mike's email, I'm glad he brought up that part about the other Latin American creatures besides humans. Because you know, being that Latin America is about 80% jungle, tropics, and rainforest, that means that multiple legged little creatures outnumber humans by about 10 thousand to one. Maybe more. And I'm not exaggerating. And it's always a constant battle between us and them. And if you're not in your garden and you haven't whipped your cleaning lady into shape, you're gonna lose. What I mean is, for example, if you're kind of a laid back, lax person who doesn't mind

[07:18] clutter and isn't big on picking up after himself, well I can tell you if you don't have a cleaning lady, the multiple legged creatures are gonna move in and start multiplying. That's all there is to it. And I'll tell you, that's why people have tile floors, concrete walls, and rainforest hardwood doors and trim. Because that stuff's very easy to keep clean. As long as you're not one of those guys who never throws anything away. Now as you know, multiple legged creatures prefer carpets and crevices in dark, obscure corners. And that's why your house or condo has to have a lot of natural light coming in during the day, which serves two purposes. One, insects and undesirable creatures like snakes and mice and IRS agents and politicians do not like the bright light of day. And secondly, a good strong dose of sunlight, at least a few hours a day, serves to burn

[08:06] off the humidity that likes to hang around especially in the rainy season. And that's half of the year in most of Latin America. So during the rainy season, if you can, you really want to clear the humidity out of your house at least once a day. Because if you don't clear that humidity, and you build your house or office like so many traditional lands do, that is dark, dank, and shadowy, the mold in the mildew will take over and be ever-present, even through the dry season. Then after a few months you'll have to start tossing out some of your clothes and shoes that have been sitting around in your dank, dark closets. That's why all of your closets should have a skylight in them or a decent sized window that catches a little sun every day, if at all possible. And if you can't pull that off because of logistics and the closet doesn't have an outside wall or a roof connection for a skylight, they must have some kind of natural ventilation.

[08:56] Like, for example, louvered slots cut into the door or you need a half a foot square hole or larger cut into the closet wall with a vent over the opening. And you want that vent to open to the inside of the house, not to an outside wall that goes to your yard, for example. Because then you're just giving multiple-legged creatures an invitation to come into your home. Anytime you've got a vent to the outside, the insects will find a way in. And speaking of entrance points, you should know this. When you have a house built or you rent a house or you buy a house, or an office for that matter, you do not see any kind of weather-stripping insulation around the doors and windows. And for example, if you've had windows installed that were made up in the U.S. or in Europe, prefab windows like Anderson and Pella and dozens of other brands, now, you know, those

[09:44] units always come with their own insulation and they make a very good high-quality seal. Excellent resistance to multiple-legged creatures, but you don't see a lot of those prefab window units down here unless you're buying a very recently built high-end property or doing it yourself and ordering those windows. And yes, they have those window distributor ships down here in all the big cities in Latin America because with that big construction bubble going on, it's much easier, for example, for a contractor to order 100 Pella roll-out casement windows than to have local contractors, carpenters, and metalworkers crack that stuff out, especially when you're talking about installing those things in 10 and 20-story buildings. So as a matter of fact, all the big new office buildings have either aluminum-clad or vinyl-clad

[10:29] prefab windows from Europe or the States. And like I said, they will have good weather-proof insulation. However, what you'll notice right away is that the doors in houses and small office buildings almost never have insulation or weather stripping, which I never could really understand since office buildings and houses that are not in the Altiplano, ones that get the full force of the tropical heat. Many have air conditioning and with the very high cost of electricity in Latin America, which by the way is one of the only things that's not exceptionally cheap down here. Anyway, people technically are just blowing money out the cracks of the door. Even the architects and building contractors just do not have any concept of insulating and weather stripping, since it's never been much of a concern for them down here. When it's hot, they open a window or turn on the air conditioning if they've got the

[11:18] dough, and when it's cold, they close the windows and put on a sweater. And let's talk about dehumidifiers for a second. Well, we all know those things can do wonders if you've got a lot of humidity, right? And yes, you can buy them down here in places like Sears and Walmart and other big hardware stores, but they are not big sellers at all. In fact, I don't even know why they carry that stuff that doesn't sell. But first world franchises like Sears have a lot of stuff that doesn't sell, like for example, Cuisinarts and garbage disposals, trash compactors, and kitchen stove exhaust fans. I see that stuff in the stores, but I don't know anyone but gringos who have things like that in their houses. So what about dehumidifiers? They'd be great down here, I mean there's so much humidity, right? But those things really suck up the electricity. And the fact is, since few offices and houses have good weather stripping, or insulation,

[12:08] once you switch on a dehumidifier, it runs constantly, 24-7. And again, the only people I know who have dehumidifiers are gringos, since old first world habits die hard. And after a while, most of them just give up too and shove the damn thing in the closet with the ab cruncher and that other exercise equipment they don't use. I repeat, buildings in Latin America, all buildings, even brand new buildings with imported first world windows, leak like sieves. But the other problem is, with outdoor insulation, those open cracks, especially the one under the door, that could be a half inch gap where that rubber threshold is supposed to be, well that's a nice invite for outdoor creatures to slip in unnoticed. And they do, all the time. And of course you could run over to Ace Hardware or any of the big hardware stores and pick

[12:57] up some door insulation and install it yourself, but almost no one ever does that. It seems to be such a new concept down here for the average guy that he doesn't even know that kind of insulation even exists. But like I said, they do have it at every big hardware store. And yes folks, if you have any kind of grass or garden outside your property at all, you'll have all kinds of multi-legged creatures living within spitting distance. And no, they won't be bothering you if you don't bother them. And if you have a garden and you live in the city, chances are there won't be anything larger than a bird or a mouse living in the near vicinity. Because like I may have mentioned in the past show, the cities, long ago, were open range hunting grounds for the poor and lower classes. And they caught an 8-ull of birds and rat coons and possums that weren't smart enough to hide 50 years ago.

[13:42] So basically, your cities are pretty devoid of small animal life, except for birds of course which stay rather high up in the trees. They know better because if they don't, kids will bring them down with their slingshots. And yup, slingshots are still a big item with young kids down here. Talk about low-tech toys, huh? Yes folks, down here in Latin America, kids actually have fun with homemade toys that don't require antennas or batteries. How is that possible? Oh for the good old days, huh? Anyway, I was talking about multi-legged creatures and wildlife. If you live just a little ways out of the city, let's say a mile or so, and your house has some land around it or you have a garden, then you'll have the usual tropical creepy crawlers like spiders, snakes, scorpions, mice, raccoons, possums, and all varieties

[14:28] of lizards. From the tiny little scurriers like you see down in Florida and Texas, to big old 10-pound prehistoric looking iguanas, I just love to lounge on your roof or a tree branch in the sun, lying there like a dead log not wanting to be bothered. And like I said, you'll have all kinds of lizards, geckos and salamanders and skinks. And yes, there is a common lizard actually called a skink. Not to be confused with the common skank, which as we know up in the first world come in both genders. So as for lizards, if you have any outdoor space out in the boonies, you'll have them. And just occasionally they will come into your house. And mostly they'll do it by slipping under that crack of the door threshold that was never there in the first place, never installed, if you know what I mean. So anyway, there are a lot of colorful, harmless little lizards around, in fact they're all

[15:17] pretty harmless. But to me, the most amusing one of all, of course, is the Jesus lizard. So named, because it can actually walk on water. Or more precisely, it can run on water. If it walked, it would sink. But it is the funniest thing, because it's like a little dinosaur, it runs on its two hind legs. And these little guys are only about 6 to 10 inches tall. But I'll tell you, if they grew any bigger than that, they'd scare the hell out of you. Because they're UGLY. However, some people think lizards and snakes are beautiful. Now Xpad Eddie says, never trust anyone who loves something that's got scales on it, unless it makes music. And I tend to agree with him there. And he's talking from experience, because back in high school, he had a petite little girlfriend he went out with for over 4 months before he found out she kept a 10 foot python

[16:04] in her bathtub. Now where was I? Oh yeah. Now birds are another thing. Once you get a little bit out of the city, you're gonna have tons of them. From tiny little hummingbirds to giant soaring vultures. And normally, those disgusting things are circling and gliding way up in the stratosphere. Of course, since they're vultures, they're looking for something dead or dying. And down here, a vulture is called a Huitres, Huitres, kind of a tongue twister. But if you just remember it sounds a lot like waitress, you'll never forget it, especially if you've had a run-in with one, an evil looking waitress that is. But don't laugh, that's a very good way to learn your Spanish, just associate words and situations like that. And as for vultures, and though they're nasty and ugly looking things, sometimes they could be as big as a turkey.

[16:50] They'll never bother you, unless of course, you happen to be dead or dying. Otherwise, they're as afraid of you as you are of them. And then, depending on the season, all kinds of colorful birds will show up, which makes most of Latin America very choice for birdwatchers. Not to mention, the farther you get away from the city, the greater the chance that you'll have daily visits from toucans and parrots, and really wild, crazy, and beautiful looking birds, you'll only see up in the states on the Nature Channel. And yes, if you live outside the city limits long enough, you're going to have birds and bees and wasps and dragonflies in your house. Not on a regular basis, of course, but I'd say two or three times a year I'll shoe out a hummingbird, or a swallow, or a red-headed woodpecker, and this year I even saved a baby toucan. And that was just a few days ago, it flew through an open window and hit the opposite

[17:37] wall, knocked itself unconscious, so I picked it up, brought it outside, and guess what it did? As soon as it woke up and looked at me, it took a dump in my hand. The story of my life. And as far as mosquitoes, yep, they get pretty big down here, but when you're in the Altiplano, above 3500 feet, they just don't bother you that much at all, unless you happen to be very near a river or a body of water, or in a forest or a jungle. But for regular living in your house or apartment, the only time you really have trouble with them is if you leave your windows open at night, which a lot of locals do. And the fact is, unless you buy, build, or rent an upscale house, there's a very good chance your windows will not be equipped with screens. Go figure. Windows screens to ward off insects do not seem to be much of a tradition down here at

[18:23] all. I don't know why, but that's just the way it is. And of course, if you buy a house with factory-made windows, like I mentioned, they'll always come with screens. But remember this, if you build a house, you have to specify you want screens on your windows or you won't get them. And if you have them, of course you can leave your windows open at night. But beware of the no-seams. Have you heard of them? If you're a backpacker, you sure know what the hell those things are. They've made many a low-rent backpacker wish he was back in Cleveland. And again, you'll only find those annoying little things if you're within maybe 100 feet of a river, body of water, a jungle, or a woods. And they are the bane of hikers and backpackers, I'll tell you. And the fact is, they're so much smaller than a mosquito that you can't see them or feel them when they land. But you can sure feel them when they bite.

[19:10] And for the life of me, I don't know how they do it, how being so small they can land on you and dig in. Now the funny thing about those little bastards is that you only really see them once they've bitten you. And they're so tiny, they look like a little speck of dirt or a grain of sand. But the thing is, about half the people who get bitten don't have any residual mark at all. No blemish, no red spot. But the other half of the population, when they get nailed, they end up with a red spot that lasts a few days that's about half as big as a regular mosquito bite. And I can tell you from experience, they only itch for about an hour. I'm one of that unlucky 50% that gets the little red welt. Now again, what I've found is they're about 80% more active at night. So if you're near the forest or a jungle or a body of water, you don't want to leave

[19:56] your windows open at night. Even if you have screens, because these things are so small, they can make their way through any size screen like it was the Holland Tunnel. But then again, if you live in the city, they probably won't bother you one bit. But I can tell you this, if you're hiking through the woods or mountain climbing or doing any kind of outdoor activity near a body of water or woods, you don't want to be wearing shorts unless you've plastered yourself with DEET. And by the way, unlike mosquitoes, they cannot bite through your clothes. Which is about their only saving grace, really. Now they've got a couple of kinds of no-seams down here. They've got little tiny black ones, they've got grey ones and white ones. And I'll tell you, it's the black ones that are the most vicious. But you know, the funny thing is, the locals, the common people and the indigenous who work outside as gardeners and maintenance guys and road crews in construction, they get nailed

[20:46] by these things all the time. For them, it's just a fact of life and they deal with it. And I'll tell you, once I was at a building site talking to a contractor and these little black no-seams were just eating me up. And of course, I was dancing around a bit trying to avoid the things and swatting them every which way. And the contractor just stood firm and still and didn't move a muscle. And I said, aren't those things bothering you? And he said, Sancudos, el mundo es yeno de Sancudos, and he shrugged his shoulders. Now, down here, they call these little creatures Sancudos with a Z, Sancudo, as opposed to Mosquitos, which are Mosquitos, Mosquitos. And your regular old disgusting housefly, they're called Moscas. You got it? Moscas is plural. A single fly is a Mosca.

[21:33] Now if you were paying any attention at all, you'd realize that the Spanish word for fly, Mosca, is the first half of the word Mosquito, Mosca, Mosquito. Come on, who said Spanish was tough? So anyway, when I was with that contractor guy and he said Sancudos, referring to the little no-seam bugs that were biting both of us, when he said, Toro el mundo es yeno de Sancudos, basically what he said was, the world is full of little bugs like that. And the shrug and the look on his face told me that he just accepts that kind of thing. You know, don't worry, gringo. Be happy. Yeah, easy for him to say. He's used to those things sucking the blood out of him. I'm just your average fragile wimpy gringo. Now as far as the weirdest kind of animal home invasions I've ever had, well, not so

[22:22] long ago, in the middle of the night, somehow, a possum got in my house. So at two in the morning, he's crashing around the kitchen knocking garbage cans over, and my dog cornered him. And when I got there, shotgun in hand, by the way. Just your good old American reflex action, I guess. I noticed he was doing the same thing that possums do up in the first world. He was playing possum. Slumped over in the corner like he was dead. So I took an empty 5 gallon bucket and swept him into it with a broom and tossed him out in the coffee fields. Now if you're wondering how he got into the house, I mean, this thing was as big as a small dog. Anyway, he made it through the doggy door. Obviously unbeknownst to the doggy. And by the way, you can buy and install one of those doggy doors. You know what I'm talking about, with the little plastic flap on it.

[23:09] But again, I've only seen gringos with those things. Okay, so that was a midnight surprise. Now this might scare you, but I have found the occasional scorpion in the house. Just small ones, 2 or 3 inches long. Not those big ugly glistening shiny ones. Let's just see bad guys using James Bond movies and stuff. That's a different, really nasty kind that lives in the desert. Like in Mexico and on the Pacific coast by Peru and Chile. Anyway, there are a lot of smaller little scorpions living down all throughout Latin America and they love dark, damp places. Especially under furniture that's never moved and never cleaned. And they really love, you guessed it, carpeting. That's why I repeat, skip the carpeting or face the consequences. And I'm talking specifically wall to wall carpeting. And as you might have guessed, the trend down here now with upper middle class and

[23:57] wealthy Latins is to have wall to wall carpet because first world gringos have it. So in the past 5 or 10 years, little carpet stores have been springing up everywhere. Not to mention in big first world retail outlets like Sears and Ace Hardware, they have carpet sections too. So as gringos learn to abstain from wall to wall carpeting, for good reason of course. Latins think it's upscale, elegant and first world. Even though down here in Latin America, they've got floor tile to die for and rainforest hardwood that makes the most beautiful flooring you've ever seen. But Latins with money prefer carpets. Even though you can buy some of the best tile in the world for a dollar a square foot or less. And get this, pay a professional tile installer $20 to $25 a day for labor.

[24:45] And by the way, when you're having tile installed down here, never pay the installer by the square foot or square meter. Always pay him by the day. Show him the job and ask him how long it'll take and do your deal that way. Bottom line, definitely skip the wall to wall carpeting. I'm not so much against throw rugs or tiny area rugs. Under an end table or a dining room table because you can always pick those up, take them outside and clean and freshen them up. Well, you'll do that anyway but Latins generally won't. And they won't bother to try to take the stains out either. That's just the culture. And wall to wall carpet will never be totally clean. And another thing, every once in a while you'll notice a troubling trail of ants, usually in the kitchen. Now if you saw that up in Minneapolis, you might call the fumigators.

[25:32] But down here it's not necessarily a bad thing unless they're really big ants. Because you see, if they're tiny little ants, normally they've found a food crumb somewhere and they're just passing it down the line and hauling it away. They'll do it fast and be gone in maybe an hour. And you'll never see them again. So my advice is if they're very small ants, leave them alone. They'll do their thing and be gone in an hour or so. However, if they're pretty good size ants, then you're gonna have to bring out the big guns. Because you see, like termites, big ants like to eat wood. And unfortunately for us, almost all of our sofas, our bedroom and dining room furniture too, have some kind of a wooden framework in them. And since these days a lot of that stuff coming from furniture stores like Sears is actually manufactured in places like China,

[26:19] they're using cheap pine and particle board as framework for a lot of those plush and cushy sofas and chairs. Now down here in Latin America, when you make things out of wood, you want to use rainforest hardwood because it's naturally insect resistant. It's one of the properties of that kind of wood. But Latin American forests are also filled with different kinds of pine trees. A softer wood that insects like ants just love, especially the big ants. In fact, I know people who've had to throw out a lot of their nice furniture, stuff they brought down from the States, because somehow those big old ants discovered it. Now I'm not saying you can't have furniture like that in your house. You can, providing it's sitting on a tile or a hardwood floor. But if it's sitting on a carpet, those ants will burrow under that carpet and you won't even see them

[27:08] as they nibble away at the understructure of your furniture. Until one day you notice out of the corner of your eye that a big old ant or two has wandered off base. And that's when you realize you've got big problems. They just don't show up as lone guns. They're on an evil mission. And if you have wall-to-wall carpeting, it could be your carpet packing is loaded with eggs. I've seen that. And it ain't pretty. Yuck. You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America, coming to you each week from somewhere south of the border. And don't forget you can email me on anything at all about Latin America, The Expat Files, at gmail.com. See you next time, most famous.