#345 – The Expat Files: Expats, Culture, and the Hidden Gems of Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:14] Hello there all you expat wannabes, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America. It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great and it's all right here so let's get started. Now I have a little announcement before we get rolling today. For all of you who missed my last expat wisdom seminar way off the tourist trail down here in Central America, I'm glad to announce there's going to be another one this coming July. So by popular demand we're doing it again and I mean popular demand. The dates will be Saturday July 12th through Thursday July 17th. Again that'll be Saturday July 12th through Thursday July 17th.

[01:00] Now I haven't got the web page up on expatwisdom.com yet but I'm just announcing it now so all of you have been sending me emails asking if and when I'm going to have another one. Well I want to give you a little head start here. Anyway since the web page won't be up till maybe early next week, for all of you who want to get on the early bird list just send me an email at the expatfiles at gmail.com. That's the expatfiles at gmail.com and put the word seminar in the subject box and I'll put you on the short list. And keep this in mind, this will be a 6 day seminar again with mornings in the classroom and afternoons, boots on the ground. Which means I'll have worn you to a frazzle at the end of each and every day, I promise that. But it'll be an amazingly nice kind of frazzle, you know? And no it'll be no price increase, it'll remain the same as the last seminar.

[01:47] And like before it will include all hotel accommodations. You won't have to make any of those arrangements yourself, you only have to hook up your flights. Oh and another thing, I have to point out that my last seminar in January was completely sold out one month before it even got off the ground. In fact this time I had to turn people away. So try not to wait till the last minute to sign up. Just a little heads up there because you know I only allow 24 people at the seminar. Oh and keep this in mind, if you sign up as a couple or two people sharing one room, double occupancy, you'll get a $500 couples discount. And if you plan on doing what so many people have done in previous seminars, that is, come a few days early or even weeks early and stay a few days after the seminar or weeks later

[02:35] or forever. I'm not kidding, a number of people who attended my past seminars are still here. Yes some are really down here forever, I think. They know a good thing when they see it. Plus it's all about realizing just how strong that gringo advantage is when you're off the tourist trail. So if you have some extra time to spend either before or after the seminar or both, which I highly recommend, you don't have to worry about finding amazing things to do. Our very own personal seminar, Events Coordinator, will hook you up with any number of great and sometimes unusual itineraries. None of the usual boring tourist stuff we can promise you that. So if your Spanish sucks and you're not into exploring on your own and you need a little hand holding and some guidance, she'll do all your bookings for you and even hook you up with a personal translator if you like.

[03:22] Whatever you need, including personal or group Spanish lessons or finding an immersion family for you to stay at for a while. Not to mention volcano climbs, jungle tours, coffee plantation visits, and of course those fantastic Mayan ruins. Our seminar Event Coordinator is here to do all that for you to help make the seminar and the extra time you might spend here one of the best experiences of your life. And that's not me bragging, that's paraphrasing from what so many past seminar attendees have told me in writing long after this seminar has ended. I know, I know, a talk is cheap, right? So all I gotta say is come on down and you'll see it for yourself. Anyway if you want to get on the early bird list, just shoot me an email, thexpadfiles at gmail.com. Now I've said about that, in fact way too much said about that.

[04:10] Now here's something you'll notice that's very strange indeed, and you'll never see anything like this up in Cleveland or Boston or Milwaukee, that's for sure. When hanging around any medium to large sized Latin City, off the gringo tourist trail that is. And for those of you who send me emails wondering just how much of Latin America is off the gringo tourist trail, well I'd say if you exclude Mexico, about 98% of the rest of Latin America is off the gringo tourist trail. Anyway, when you're in a medium or large sized Latin City off the tourist trail, in the old part of town which is usually called Zone One, that's where all the government buildings are, along with the Presidential Palace and the main old Catholic Cathedral, all generally situated around a very huge central park. Anyway outside of those dozens of government buildings, you'll see little haphazard

[04:58] kiosks and open air booths, a dozen or so of them, in fact sometimes more, situated within a half a block of the entrance door to any one of these government buildings. And generally they set themselves up every day right on the curb or even protrude a foot or two into the traffic on the street. And in those kiosks, you'll see little guys and gals, get this, typing away on mechanical typewriters. You know, those alavetes and underwoods that are antiques up in the first world now. And believe me, every gringo and expat who stumbles into that section of town, they always wonder, what's up with that? And then some of us think, so that's where all those typewriters from my 9th grade typing class went. Maybe that's where all the 8-tracks and Pac-Man games went too. But seriously, why in the hell all these guys with manual typewriters?

[05:47] You'll never guess the answer, but I'm going to tell you. Well, since Latin America is the land of the triplicate government form and every single government institution is loaded down with bureaucracy, you can't be a citizen or a resident in Latin America and not fill out at least a dozen forms a year. But luckily us gringos and expats have our lawyers fill that stuff out. We often never get to see that stuff and most of the times we wouldn't understand it anyway because it's always in Spanish. Luckily us expats don't have to get a brain spasm trying to figure out those forms. That's what your lawyer's for and he'll be glad to do it. For a price of course, but when you're off the tourist trail anyway, a ridiculously low price. So you might think these little guys and gals with their manual typewriters are out in front of government buildings to help you fill out forms.

[06:34] That's the obvious answer and it's correct. However, you don't necessarily have to fill out forms with a typewriter. It's perfectly legal and fine to fill those forms out longhand. So you have to wonder why do so many locals use the services of these guys and gals for a small price of course when they don't really have to. They can just fill in the forms longhand. Well, if you guessed right, you get the booby prize and here it is. It's because 37% of Latin American indigenous people cannot read and write. Meaning all those folks coming in from the boonies to get their paperwork done once a year or when their kids attend school or when they have to get electric service or city water permits or apply for ID documents or birth certificates, etc.

[07:20] They end up filling out tons of forms. However, they don't know what they're reading. They can't write and some of them, especially old timers, can only sign with an X. So these little guys and gals with their mechanical typewriters are providing a very useful service. Basically, they're the middleman between the illiterate and the massive government paperwork bureaucracy. And by the way, the Spanish word for illiterate is a really tough one. It's an alphabetizada, an alphabetizada. That's a tough one all right. But it actually really is quite self-explanatory when you see how it's written. It's got the word alphabet in it preceded by the prefix A-N, an, which in Spanish means not. So it literally means unable or not able to decipher the alphabet, an alphabetizada.

[08:12] So anyway, around every government building in Latin America, there's a lively gray market little business helping illiterates become part of the government system. Even though all those little guys and gals with the typewriters are themselves off the books and not paying taxes and not part of the system. Latin America, got to love it, huh? And on that same note, here's something else that'll really blow your mind. Now, when you first get down here to Latin America, especially off the tourist trail, you'll notice all the chicken buses everywhere have a little guy hanging out the front door called an ayudante. Ayudante, that means helper. These guys are not employees of the bus line, they're paid by the bus driver himself privately and they don't get much either. Maybe only about a hundred bucks a month, believe it or not.

[08:59] Again, cash and totally off the books. And of course, like their name implies, ayudante, helper, they help people on and off the bus, occasionally helping a pretty young girl on and off the bus, just a little too aggressively, if you know what I mean. Which is by the way, one of the reasons why young ladies always say that having a boyfriend or a husband with a car tops their wish list. But unfortunately, that almost never happens. Anyway, these helper guys who are always male, always young and always scruffy and dirty looking, they help people on and off the bus and they stack goods and packages and chickens and trunks on top of the bus and strap them down. However, if you like, your chickens can ride in the bus too, which is of course how that name chicken bus came about. Anyway, if it's a bus that's going out in a boonies from town to town

[09:49] instead of a purely urban route, at every bus stop, the little guy will yell out at the top of his voice, the name of the next destination, town or neighborhood. And now get this, the reason why they do that is because again, 37% of the rural indigenous population cannot read or write, so a good percentage of them cannot read the destination, the letters that are on top of the bus. So definitely to a lot of very poor people who live out in the boonies, those young helper boys really do provide a service. Now, earlier in the show, I was talking about mechanical typewriters and Pac-Man games and other obsolete stuff. And speaking of things that up in the first world recently became antiques, don't laugh because this is actually a good thing.

[10:35] But in every single Latin American middle-class house that I've been to, even upper middle-class houses, they've always got a couple dozen or so old vinyl LPs, even 78s, if you remember those, stacked on an old shelf somewhere. And it's not that they actually play those things anymore, even though there always is an old record player stashed somewhere too. It's just that Latins don't like to throw away anything, since until just recently they lived in a society where imported things like that from the first world were very expensive or just unobtainable. That said, you might ask why when you go to a rummage sale. You might just find an old Doris Day, Frankie Lane, or even Dave Clark Five album. Vinyl, of course. But how'd they get that stuff, you wonder? When almost none of the middle class speaks or understands English. Try figuring that one out.

[11:22] And because you occasionally find some of that oddball stuff in Latin homes, you will notice that the cover of the LP or 45 or whatever is usually in pretty bad condition, but the record itself could be untouched. I mean, unplayed and pristine. For what that's worth to all you collectors out there. But the question again is, how'd they get that stuff? Well, you know, that's because every Latin family has a couple of relatives or friends living up in the States, nearly all of whom snuck in illegally at one time or another, who sent Christmas care packages or came back to visit bearing first world gifts to impress the relatives and friends back home that they really had found the American dream and have become bona fide first world successes. And that's why occasionally when you're sitting in a Latin person's living room and you're looking around, you just might recognize a few

[12:10] useless items from the first world laying around. Some that'll make you roll your eyes because you just can't believe how truly out of place they are. And often enough, they're not just laying around. They're actually in a place of honor, like high up on a bookshelf or in a china cabinet or even hanging on the wall. Like, for example, an ancient Nintendo game that doesn't work or a pole peel pocket fisherman or a vegematic or a clapper. All of course, completely useless junk to bring down to Latin America. But because they were gifts, hand carried down directly from the first world, they have some special significance and deserve a place of honor. And what that junk really does prove is that cousin Juan from Chikimula, who slipped into the US a few years back, has found the American dream and can now afford that kind of crap.

[12:58] He's the little shoeshine kid or whatever that went to the States and made good. And now he comes back home to Nicaragua maybe once a year, the conquering hero, bearing gifts. And you know, a lot of expats and gringos wonder why it's so easy for so many Latins to slip in and out of their country after being in the US, especially when it's so obvious that they had to have snuck into the States. You wonder why would they risk going back and forth like that? Is it really that easy? I mean, we've all heard stories that coyotes on the Mexican side anyway, rape, rob, and pillage. There's dozens of movies and documentaries out there showing that it's precisely the case. So have we got that information all wrong? What's up with that? Well, the fact is, a great many of Latin people who've been in the States a long time actually have a visa or their green cards and residency.

[13:46] And some are even passport carrying US citizens. They're the ones that make periodic visits back to the home country that conquering heroes bearing gifts. And it's perfectly legal for them to do so. By the way, down here, there's specifically one very popular destination for Latins up in the first world who've got their green cards and passports and stuff. And that's a visit to those Decameron all-inclusive hotel resorts I mentioned so many times before in the show. And that's because they're so very inexpensive compared to first world all-inclusive resorts, maybe a half to a third of the price. So when those stateside green card holding conquering heroes come down to those Decameron resorts, they almost always treat a couple of the poor local relatives to the extravaganza too.

[14:34] And they're just in seventh heaven because they could never afford a splurge like that. And that's when that Latin sun that's made good can really play the big shot. And how do I know that? Well, because I've been to a lot of the Decameron's and it's a common sight. And what's even more common is that these Latin first world guys with a green card playing the big shot will come up to me and other lone gringos because there's barely any of us around. And they'll try to bond and make friends with us. Because like one of these guys told me just a couple months ago, he likes coming down to the Decameron once a year and treating the poor relatives to a good time once in a while, but it gets old. He said he really doesn't have much in common with the poor relatives since he's an all-american subway driving union man from New Jersey. And he said that to me with a very heavy Nicaraguan accent.

[15:23] Go figure, huh? Now, I'm not faulting the guy or making fun of him because believe me, he really found the key to the good life. He told me when he retires from the New York Department of Transportation, which I think was in nine years, something like that, he said he was going to get a $40,000 a year pension with social security on top of that when it kicked in. And he knows that he and his wife could live like kings and queens down here on that. Whereas up in the first world, he would barely be able to afford a trailer park retirement home in Nevada. In fact, those were pretty much his exact words. And on top of that, he told me he already owns three houses in Managua, Nicaragua, middle class houses, Latin style that is, that he'll never live in himself because they're not in great neighborhoods,

[16:10] but he rents them out and has a steady income there too. So you could say in a way this guy has found the American dream and more. All on a subway driver's salary. So there is a lesson in all that for all you expat gonna bees and wannabes. And one of the first lessons is start learning your Spanish, right? Now, if you recall a while ago, I mentioned that over the years in the States, there've been a lot of amnesty programs for certain Latins living there quite a while who didn't have a criminal record. And here's one thing that a lot of born and bred Americans up North have a hard time swallowing. When they hear that right now, in the US Congress, there are two bills, House Bill H.R. 2377 and H.R. 435. One of which will certainly pass because both have bipartisan support.

[16:58] Both of them in some way or another allow the US Armed Forces to recruit illegal aliens who landed in the US before age 15. Then if they serve five years and get an honorable discharge, they automatically get their green card with permanent legal residence. So the legitimate question might be, how happy are you about that? Well, I can tell you how the expats down here feel about it. The ones I polled say, who gives a damn? If you live up in the States, that's your problem. Anyway, as it turns out, most of the Latins coming back for Easter and Christmas holidays bearing both useful and useless gifts for the poor folks back home, they are coming back and forth completely legally. Sure, they were illegal, but they lived up in the States a long time and they kept their noses clean.

[17:43] They were the ones that were able to qualify for those amnesty programs back in the Carter, Reagan, and Clinton days. But you knew that already, right? And you know, along the way, I've met a lot of these new American citizens and they're awfully proud to come down here and show it off to their friends and relatives. And those frequent decameron pilgrimages are just part of it. What I'm seeing is they like to come down for holidays and vacation and sort of shove it in the faces of their friends and family. The fact that they're legal now and pretty much considered gringos, in their minds anyway. Because like I said, it's an awfully classic society. And you know, most Latins down here will admit it. Not to mention the fact that not one day goes by where you don't pick up a newspaper down here in Latin America and see an article or two in the op-ed pages written on just that subject.

[18:32] Classism and class discrimination. And of course, I'm talking about Native Latin Americans who still live down here. They'll agree wholeheartedly. The highest rung on the class ladder is being a gringo. And to them, the highest class level of all? White skinned, blonde hair, blue eyed gringos. And it doesn't matter if they're dirt poor or filthy rich. To Latins down here, they're in a league by themselves. So then, how do Latins down here feel about their own countrymen who go up to the states and become legal? You know, green card passport and all. Well, in certain ways, you see some class resentment going on there. Kind of like that German word schadenfreude. Remember that? That's schadenfreude. Now, there's no word like that in the English language. But there should be.

[19:18] And what it means is this. It refers to a secret pleasure people get out of seeing others, friends and relatives and stuff, fail a bit or fall on their asses. In other words, like Groucho Marx once said, I like it when my friends and relatives have success as long as they're not more successful than I am. And believe me, there's a lot of that going on around here with the Latin population. A lot of it. Much more than I ever saw up in the first world, by the way. Of course, it does exist up there in the first world, but down here, they've got it on steroids. Like expat Eddie said, he didn't like it much when his drunken uncle won a million bucks in the Texas lottery. Then again, Eddie says his uncle doesn't like it much that he's a success down here in the restaurant business. Which goes to show some people in every culture have that attitude to a certain degree.

[20:04] So anyway, how's this for irony? When a white waspy Caucasian comes down to Latin America, he's obviously to all the Latins around, a gringo. And that includes black Americans and Asian Americans. They're considered gringos when they come down here as long as they speak pure first world English with a gringo accent. Whatever that is, and by the way, that should leave out the Canadians then, right? Especially French Canadians. Anyway, nearly every natural born citizen from up in the States, is considered when he or she comes down to Latin America as a gringo. As long as they kind of fit the Latin stereotypical version of a gringo. And they dress and they act and they carry themselves. Like Latins are used to seeing gringos act in Hollywood movies and shows on cable TV. Believe me, they get all the Hollywood movies

[20:51] and all our cable TV stations too. So as long as a visitor to Latin America fulfills those requirements, he's a gringo or Norte amaricano. Or just plain amaricano. Which really doesn't make sense because Latins are all amaricanos too. They're just central or sur-americanos. Go figure, huh? But that's the way it is. Now the irony is, a Latin up in the States, one who is completely legal up there, who has a green card or residency or a passport, or who was even born an American citizen up there, and therefore has been to all the gringo schools since kindergarten and is as gringoized as many waspy Caucasians. It's funny that when they come down to Latin America for a visit to the family

[21:37] or just down for a vacation or a trip, local Latins just do not consider them 100% gringos. Not even close. They just chuck it up to luck and there's always a bit of envy there. Sometimes a lot more than a bit. Even if they have a family history in the States going back 100 years. As long as they look like a Latin American person and have a Latin first name like Roberto or Enrique and a Latin last name like Martinez or Gomez or Castillo, etc. In the minds of folks down here, they just don't qualify 100% as gringos. And believe it or not, even if their English is perfect and they don't know a lick of Spanish, they're still Latinos. They're not gringos. I suppose it's a variant on that old saying, you're never a hero in your hometown.

[22:24] Now, I should tell you that Latin folks down here do tell me that their legal relatives and friends up in the States who come down to visit, they always carry with them a bit of a better than now attitude. Like they've somehow made the grade and you haven't. Which is partially true, you know. In fact, I can't tell you how many times I've heard local Latins refer to these first world relatives of theirs as creidos or prepotentes. That's creidos or prepotentes. And those are two derogatory words, not swear words or anything, but they're used to describe someone who's just full of themselves. More or less an uppity person with false pride. So it shouldn't surprise you to know that most middle class and lower middle class Latins refer to many upper class Latins and all politicians

[23:10] as creidos and prepotentes. Which believe me is laying it on pretty thin. But like I said, Latins are very polite and kind. So it's just not their style to verbally tear a person to pieces to their face. Unless of course it's a lover's spat or a married couple, then all bets are off. So anyway, that's what the average Latin is thinking when confronted with a person like that. He's thinking creidos prepotente. No, they don't actually come out and say it that way. That'd be too rude. But I saw a little bit of that myself at a Christmas party I went to last year and the year before when the conquering hero Latin relatives from up north, specifically from Pittsburgh, came down to visit with armfuls of first world presence and such and sort of lorded over their much less well-off relatives at the party.

[23:58] Oh well, I guess you see enough of that up in the first world too when the prodigal son or daughter returns to his little one-horse hick town for the holidays after a heady stint at an Ivy League school. Or even maybe landing a Presti's job at a place like Google or Apple or who knows, Tesla Motors. Meanwhile, all his high school buddies are working at the Mayberry Meat Pack and Plant. You know what I mean. Stuff like that can give some people a big head in a hurry, you know? You might have one or two of those in the family yourself. I sure do. And you know what? Sometimes it seems you could cut through that attitude with a knife. You might have heard the saying, house guests are like fresh fish. After about three days, they start to stink. Now, down here when someone rubs another person the wrong way, in Spanish they say,

[24:44] me calle mal. Me calle mal. The first part, me, means me. And the last part, mal, means bad. M-A-L, that means bad. And you really should remember that word, mal, M-A-L. Since you'll see it join with a lot of other Spanish words and phrases. And an easy way to remember that is just think of the word malevolent. Begins with M-A-L, right? Mal. Malevolent means pretty bad. And that's what mal is, bad. It's a good mind memory trick. Malevolent, mal, bad. And calle, the word in the middle of that phrase, me calle mal, means fall, as in F-A-L-L, fall down. So the phrase, me calle mal, means literally, he or she or whatever,

[25:31] falls on me bad. Or you fall or come down on me bad. I know that doesn't make sense in English, but here it makes perfect sense. Means you're an idiot and I don't want to hang with you. And so down here, you'll hear a lot of that going on behind people's backs. You'll hear, me calle mal. And they'll say it in a very soft voice sometimes, as if they don't want anyone else to hear. And if someone's a supreme jerk, sometimes he'll get that thrown right in his face. And in fact, I've heard young women say that to men that are just bothering the hell out of them. You know, trying to pick them up. They'll say, no, me calle mal. Or, de me empas, me calle mal. And de me empas means leave me in peace. Anyway, you get the idea. So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. I do know quite a few

[26:18] average Latin families down here and they tell me that they love it when their naturalized, gringoized relatives come down to visit, but they like it even more when they leave. Me calle mal, right? You'll catch on. Anyway, a few minutes ago, I mentioned how Latins throw almost nothing away. Because like Exped Eddie says, when you don't have much, you value everything you've got. Nothing wrong with that sentiment, I'll tell you. Especially coming from the disposable society that we come from. In fact, all of us gringos and expats, especially all you expats up north, can learn a good lesson from that. And you know, mentioning that means there's a great opportunity for all you guys and gals out there who are into collecting old things and antiques. As you know, they do have a lot of rummage sales and garage sales down here

[27:03] in Latin America, just like they do up in the first world. Most often when someone moves or grandma or grandpa dies. Now, like I said, I've seen plenty of old LPs around, including 45s and 78s. Vinyl, of course. And the old record players and disc changers that played those things. So what I'm saying is, off the tourist trail, there are treasures galore to be found. Unlike the first world, the stuff just hasn't been picked over a million times. Oops, more on rummage sales next show. South of the border, down Mexico way. You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America, coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border. Email me, theexpatfiles at gmail.com. And don't forget to check out

[27:48] expatwisdom.com to sign up for your free reports on Latin America. See you next time. Nos vemos.