#374 – The Expat Files: Ants, Antics, and Affordable Living in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:14] Hello there all you expat wannabes, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America. It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great and it's all right here so let's get started. Now since me and my Latin American seminar folks are deep into our boots on the ground down here in Central America, matter of fact we kicked it off last night, anyway I just want to let you know that this upcoming Friday's show will be a repeat. And you know I don't do that much, I think only 3 times in 360 shows. Anyway when I do this seminar thing it's day and night so I won't have time for a Friday show so I hope the management picks out a good oldie from the archives.

[01:00] Anyway we'll be back with a fresh news show on Sunday so stay tuned. That said let me pick up where I left off last week. I was talking about how just about a month or so ago I discovered that those giant carpenter ants down here in Latin America had invaded one of my vintage guitars, in fact a queen and her nest had set up shop inside the guitar case underneath the felt cushioning which was unfortunately supported by strips of pine, the favorite food down here of carpenter ants and termites. Anyway in the end it turned out to be good news. Even though there were hundreds of these ants and their eggs all over the place inside the case under the felt and loosely attached to parts of the guitar, yuck.

[01:46] After I fumigated the case and stripped off all the ants and the remnants of their disgusting little city, there wasn't a single mark on that guitar. The ants bypassed the hardwood in the guitar for the much softer pine in the case. So the rest of the day my gardener slash maintenance guy delicately sliced and worked his way along the border of the velvet case with believe it or not his razor sharp trusty machete and man is he good with that thing. And eventually he removed the velvet part in one piece and stripped out all the pine strips underneath it and proceeded to clean out the nest, the eggs and the queen. A pretty revolting and disgusting undertaking if you ask me. So you might ask what next, buy a new case?

[02:33] Nope. I took it to one of the numerous hole in the wall upholstery shops that you find in virtually all middle class and lower middle class neighborhoods and the old guy there rebuilt the entire inside of that case with the velvet this time using cedar supports which won't rot and are virtually bug and vermin proof for slightly under 20 bucks. Now of course I could have gone down to one of the local music stores and bought a case to fit that guitar but it was a big old Fender jazz bass and had a particular shape which meant I would have have to have bought a Fender production model case, a hard shell case made out of plastic and metal for at least a hundred bucks. Now just as an aside here I mentioned those little upholstery places. Let me just explain something about your average middle-class family in Latin

[03:21] America. They don't throw away anything unless of course it's absolutely beyond repair and therefore useless. So these little upholstery shops do a thriving business. And the fact is because leather is so cheap down here I'd say like 20 to 25 percent of what you'd pay for good upholstery leather up in the states. Well what that means to us expats and gringos is that we don't have to have that crappy vinyl furniture. Now until you come down to Latin America something like that might have never crossed your mind. Though I guess that's all what first world people under 40 are used to. I mean up in the states I don't know too many young Americans that can afford leather furniture, do you? Well maybe you can buy some and load up your American Express card but I

[04:08] still have a lot of friends and relatives up in Chicago and most of them don't have leather even though apparently they can afford it. Maybe not. I mean come on there are a lot of leather substitutes out there that look pretty good for a year or two anyway right? And they're cheap half or less the price of real leather. And there's some so-called leather material that's not actually whole leather but processed bits of leather you've seen that stuff right? Well it may smell like the real thing but that stuff doesn't hold up for long either. And of course who am I to judge how you feel about sitting on dead animal carcasses but to me it's ten times better than sitting on cold vinyl. And of course the reason why when you buy an upscale car the best plush seating is always in leather. So what I'm saying is when you come down here to Latin America suddenly

[04:55] you'll be able to afford real leather. And if you're against sitting on dead cow flesh or some such thing I wonder what you purists out there would do if you happen to win in a church raffle or drawing a new Mercedes or BMW. Would you have the leather seats ripped out and replaced with vinyl or would you just trade it in for a Mazda? Anyway just remember there are millions of cows down here too and when they die whether from natural or artificial causes you've got a nice big beautiful hide to deal with and what are you going to do with that? But let's not get into the polemics of that. So just a little tip here for you wannabes and gonabes. You could for example have an old sofa that's in cloth or vinyl reupholstered in fine leather down here for less than the cost probably

[05:41] half the cost of having it reupholstered up in the states in cloth or vinyl. You got that? It is worth repeating but I won't okay? The point being here just be smart and don't throw your old furniture away when the dog pees on it or eats a hole in the cushion. Because I'll tell you this if you throw it out or have someone haul it away chances are it'll end up in one of those little upholstery shops and be someone else's mighty nice furniture in about a month. Though I have to say maybe in the last two or three years there's been a change down here in the furniture buying habits of Latin folks. Unfortunately in all the big department stores including of course Walmart and Costco Sears and Ace Hardware and Office Depot and all that Unfortunately terrible Chinese melamine and pressboard furniture is all the rage.

[06:31] Why? Because it's so damn cheap and you know as well as I do it's absolute junk. You buy a chest of drawers a shelving unit or a bookshelf made out of that crap. That's assuming anyone actually has books anymore to put on them. Anyway you know as well as I know if it's made out of that melamine pressboard crap oh it'll look good when you first get it home but just bang into the corner during a routine vacuuming and you're sure to put a chip or a dent in it. And you know it'll never look good again it just can't be repaired. And by the way on the subject of using vacuum cleaners down here. Sure they sell them at hardware stores and you see them at Sears etc. But you'll find almost no middle class or lower middle class families own them. Why? Cost probably but more likely

[07:19] because your average cleaning lady or maid seems to be afraid to use them. Just like they're afraid to use your automatic dishwasher if you have one or your garbage disposal or your trash compactor. Sure all the big department stores have that stuff for sale down here but for 90% of the population they haven't caught on and not just because they're way too expensive for the average family. The fact is most cleaning ladies have never seen things like that till they start working in an expat gringo's house or for an upscale latin. And as a matter of fact I've spoken to a few upscale latins about that and everyone will tell you a story of how his or her cleaning lady ruined the dishwasher or destroyed the vacuum cleaner. Usually by trying out the thing on puddles of water or

[08:04] sucking up dog crap or pee. Which is not I think recommended by the Hoover Company. But I'll bet it's in the warranty section the small print that nobody reads. Anyway one story I've heard over and over again by upscale latins is that they do have a vacuum cleaner or two stowed away in the closet but they're broken. Not only from sucking up liquids and stuff but because cleaning ladies either never figured out or forgot that there's a dust bag that's got to be replaced or emptied every once in a while. Otherwise the thing gets so clogged up that the motor works so hard it heats up and then eventually fries. Now I'm not blaming just those poor cleaning ladies. The fact is the average latin woman upscale or not that buys a vacuum cleaner she doesn't know a damn thing about maintaining it either.

[08:50] She doesn't read the instructions because you know what even with upscale latin families most of their mothers and families never had a real vacuum cleaner when they were growing up either so how would they know? Up in the states they've been around for a hundred years but down here there's still a relatively new appliance for most families. In fact here's a little statistic for you did you know that only one in 30 latin families has a dryer and that only one in four latin american families has an automatic washing machine. Think about that for a minute. Now of course you first world folks out there know as well as I do you really do need a vacuum cleaner if you're in an apartment or a house especially in latin america where often you'll pull back a piece of furniture from the wall and you'll see

[09:37] a man-sized spider web with an accompanying spider or two. And of course the other insect carcasses he's been storing for a rainy day. And of course it's not just spiders that love to hang around dark cozy places. There are all kinds of insects that just love to set up housekeeping in dark corners and under sofas etc. And I'll tell you long term gringles and expats know the only way to handle that is with a vacuum cleaner because you see even if you send your cleaning lady in there to handle that mess I guarantee you without a vacuum cleaner in hand she's never gonna get it all. And by the way down here cleaning ladies and maids do not like to move things so you do eventually get accumulations of that junk around your house. That said my suggestion is to go to Sears or one of the big hardware stores

[10:23] and get yourself a small wet dry vac you know one that'll suck up water like people use in their garages up in the states and at car washes. You know a nice little utility shop vac. In fact down here you get a pretty nice one for around a hundred bucks. And sure they're ugly and they're industrial but I'm telling you it's the only way to go you have to have one around the house especially since so many houses down here in Latin America have beautiful tile or hard wood parquet floors. And as every long term expat will tell you eventually your plumbing will spring a leak or a toilet valve will malfunction and you'll come home to a swimming pool in your kitchen bedroom or a living room. And remember this since almost no one in Latin America even the richest folks have a basement

[11:09] where water will generally collect if you have a leak up in the states that means it'll end up in one of your living spaces here. So do spend that 75 or 100 bucks and get that wet dry vac which by the way because they're generally commercially made items and are heavy duty your cleaning lady will have a hell of a time destroying. Though do remember cleaning ladies maintenance guys and maids have that universal problem of not changing that dust collector bag. So no matter what you do and what you say eventually it'll be your job to check and change the bags because if you don't do it chances are nobody will. But I digress as usual okay where was I? Oh yeah about that arthropod invasion of my guitar case.

[11:55] Anyway it was a near tragedy that luckily turned out to be a false alarm. So in the end everything's back to normal and I learned a good lesson and I hope you do too. So all's well that ends well right? Wrong. Because here's what happened next. Now remember a few shows ago I mentioned that down in San Salvador expat Eddie's middle class Latina fiance is all pissed off at me and she won't let me hang with them anymore. We can meet on public ground like at one of his restaurants but I'm persona non grata at his house when she's there anyway. And of course certain people want to know why. Well it's because I've been a little too vocal about the fact that I think Eddie little by little and slowly but surely turned her from a nice middle class Latina girl with

[12:43] good careful conservative shopping and spending habits. I mean let's face it all middle class Latins have to have those habits or they won't survive. Not on your average middle class salary of from 250 to let's say 500 bucks a month. Anyway expat Eddie because he's a gringo with money. He did what a lot of expat gringos do in that situation. He pretty much gave her the go-ahead from the beginning of their relationship about five or six years ago to buy things that she wants and likes. Even certain things many times that she never would have bought on her own salary before she met Eddie because they were too expensive to extravagant or she just couldn't afford them. Now like I said Eddie has money and he had confidence in her judgment. All the while from the beginning he was

[13:31] assuming of course she would retain some of her level-headed spending habits. And like Eddie says she started off like that all right. But now she's graduated to full throttle first world shop till you drop spending habits. And believe me this isn't the first time I've seen this sort of thing happen when a gringo hooks up with a Latin girl. And I've also seen it happen when a gringo woman hooks up with a middle-class Latin guy. In that case many times it's the Latin guy who becomes the aggressive shopper. Now Eddie of course just wants to see his fiance happy. Though he'll admit to me anyway he notices now that it's gotten out of control. Now it's one thing for first world credit card crazy consumers up in Cleveland and Chicago to spend themselves to the limit and in fact into oblivion.

[14:17] But you see down here in Latin America even on what you might call the average first world style salary let's say 50 or 60 thousand dollars a year. Because that kind of money translates to such a fortune down here. You could spend yourself into a lifestyle that even an upscale wealthy first-worlder could never dream of living in Seattle, Montreal, Boston or Detroit. I mean let's face it who do you know personally that has their own full-time maid, full-time gardener, full-time bodyguard, a personal driver on call 24-7 and their own personal late model bulletproof SUV. Yes I said bulletproof car. Do you personally know anyone up in your hometown who has all that? Well down here Eddie's fiance is one of those

[15:05] and she's certainly not the only one. I know plenty of gringos who were slowly but surely wedged into a lifestyle like that themselves. I know I know it sounds strange that that kind of stuff exists down here in Latin America because up in the states lifestyles like that are exceedingly rare. The only folks that rate that kind of largess are Hollywood bigwigs and high-level scumbag dick-headed thieving politicians. Are there any other kind? So unfortunately that's what's been happening in expat Eddie's life and since that lifestyle isn't total anathema to expats down here who want to live a first-world lifestyle and stay under the radar. Something by the way that's very easily accomplished. Well you know what that means don't you? It means I can't help but rag on Eddie a

[15:53] bit every time I see him and when that happens Eddie gets a jolt of reality and he goes back and starts up a little conversation with her about it trying of course to subtly rein her in. And I know the first thing that comes to her mind is that Johnny's been a bad influence. Well what can I say there's no denying that right? She knows it's me. Who else? Eddie has practically no other gringo acquaintances and his business buddy his Latin friends wouldn't even know how to start a conversation like that. Why? Because that's what every Latin person dreams of. Not only having everything a gringo first world person has but a bodyguard, maids, gardeners and a big old bulletproof SUV and a driver too.

[16:39] Not to mention a beach house or two and a Harley and a helicopter thrown in for a good measure. Lucky for Eddie his girlfriend's afraid of heights. So anyway it looks like Eddie's stuck he's in a dilemma. But you know it's like I said in a past show once you've achieved a high profile down here you just can't go back unless you move to another country. And as far as I can see it really came to a head about six months or so ago. Even before the bodyguard, the bulletproof SUV and the driver. Now that was when she asked Eddie for a baby grand piano for Christmas. She must have seen one in the living room of the Kardashians or something that's all I can think. Now of course Eddie's living room is plenty big enough for one but no one in the entire household knows how to play chopsticks. And when Eddie brought that up she

[17:27] begged and pleaded and said she wanted to take lessons. So Eddie called me since I know a little bit about instruments and he said Johnny what kind of piano should I buy? And I said well if it's just a piece of furniture and you want it to look good, since no one plays it, who's going to know the difference if it cost five grand or fifty grand? Long as it looks nice. I told them to just pick up a good used one in the paper. You do see them in the classified ads down here once in a while. But generally because pianos like that are pre-owned by latins, upscale latins of course, but that really doesn't matter. You can pretty much count on the fact they never did the maintenance and the sun and the humidity did their damage and took their toll. However as a piece of furniture a piano like that could still look great.

[18:12] Thus because latins are all about the show it still achieves the desired effect of being upscale, cultured, and classy. In other words impress the friends and relatives because that's really what it's all about. And to me anyway when I lived up in the states when someone had a grand piano in their house, I for one was always duly impressed. And though some of my adolescent friends took piano lessons and played rather well, they always had electronic keyboards or upright pianos at home. Meaning their parents either didn't have the money or the space to have a baby grand piano. Bottom line where I come from baby grands and grand pianos were for the upper classes. A grand piano in the house makes a fine statement. Unless of course the family dogs have been using a leg as a substitute for a fire

[18:59] hydrant. Don't laugh I've seen it and worse. But only down here in Latin America believe it or not. So much for nitpicking about the small details right? But let's get back to expat Eddie's dilemma. Eddie admitted to me that he did suggest buying a used one but she would have none of that. So we shifted to plan B. I told him to buy one of those brand new cheapy grands from China or India. They run four or five grand and she'll never know the difference between that and a much better grade like a kawaii or a yamaha. Now when you play a kawaii or a yamaha they really sound deep and rich. If you've got a halfway decent ear you can tell the difference believe me. But you're talking ten or fifteen thousand bucks now versus four or five thousand for the

[19:47] Chinese generic brand. And by the way those cheap generic pianos sound great too when you first get them but after a year or two well they eventually sound lifeless and dull and you cannot get that rich sound back no matter what you do. It's all about the quality of the materials you know? And by the way in all medium and large cities in Latin America you can buy almost all those brands of pianos. They've got music stores down here that carry everything. Though you're not going to get a deal because that stuff's got to be imported. Though I guarantee you if you look in the classified ads often you'll get a very very good deal. In fact sometimes a tremendous bargain and I think you know why. Those folks are mostly desperate sellers because like I said before Latins buy those pianos to impress their friends and relatives and

[20:35] they have to be desperate sellers to get rid of one of those things. Now the sudden disappearance of your grand piano in the parlor signifies to your family friends and visitors that you've slipped down a notch. That you might be hitting the skids. But back to Eddie and his baby grand. In the end his latina girlfriend his fiance would not think of having a used piano in the house. Which by the way is another sure sign that she's way too spoiled. Because you know if she did any research at all she'd know that some of the best musical instruments in the world are ancient. Think Steinway and chickering pianos. And of course Stradivarius violins violas and cellos. But nah who wants a 200 year old violin? Can't have an old used thing like that in the house now can we?

[21:24] What would the neighbors think? So anyway in the end I helped Eddie pick out a cheap $4,500 baby grand that looked like a million bucks and sounded like well mud. But for Eddie's girlfriend whose fast musical knowledge runs the gamut from A to B. Abba to Beyonce. With a poisonous dose of rag-a-thon thrown in. Anyway as for pianos there was no way she'd ever know the difference. And Eddie well his own musical tastes run from A to Z. That's Almond Brothers to ZZ Top. With a little Texas Blues and Stevie Ray thrown in. Nothing wrong with that but please don't buy Eddie too many drinks because he'll start singing and we don't want And like he said he wanted a piano when he was growing up but

[22:10] they didn't make one small enough to fit through a double wide trailer door. Now I know some of you guys and gals out there know where this story's going. As it turns out unbeknownst to anyone me included. Supporting the sound board in that cheap Chinese piano were some struts made of pine and poplar. And when Eddie and his fiance came back from a month's vacation when they drove back home from the airport and hit the garage door opener. That new grand piano actually it was four months old by then was sitting there in the corner of the garage with a big plastic tarp over it. Then when Eddie got out of the car and located the maintenance man he heard the bad news. You guessed it a nest of carpenter ants again setting up shop inside. Now they didn't exactly do much harm to that piano.

[22:59] Who knows maybe it even sounds better now after they did their work. But you see the maintenance man screwed up. He doused it with so much insecticide in the house that it stunk up the place so badly that he had to haul it into the garage. Not to mention when the maintenance guy and whoever else helped him they put a huge gash in the side of the piano case. Yep details details this is Latin America you know. And in the end you know even Eddie admits it was about the fact that his fiance insisted that they have wall-to-wall carpeting in the living room. Bad idea. How do you think those insects tracked their way in and found that piano and got up in there? Turns out when they pulled up the carpet and the carpet pad the ants had tunneled their way through the soft foam in the pad.

[23:46] So just imagine when you're down here every time you're in a house that's got wall-to-wall carpeting there's got to be some of that going on right under your feet. And as Eddie told me later she got pissed off at me all over again when he told her I thought it was a bad idea when they or I should say she went carpet shopping. Eddie to his credit knew better. He'd heard stories and knew people who had trouble with insects and urine and dog poop and water stains on wall-to-wall carpet. But like he said to avoid arguments and sulking around the house he gave in to her again. Oh and one more thing about that wall-to-wall carpet. Like I mentioned a second ago it all had to be torn out. Nope not because the pee or the water stains or the invasions of carpenter ants etc.

[24:33] Get this it was an unintended secondary effect because you see when the maintenance man doused that piano with insecticide he opened up the piano top and sprayed it on so thick that for the next couple hours insecticide dripped down on the carpet and left terrible brownish white permanent stains on that gray carpet. Now of course they had the carpet cleaners in and they tried and they tried but they still couldn't get the stains out nor the smell. And guess what for once Eddie gets to make the decorating decision this time. Partially anyway. Yep they're getting a grand piano again and underneath it they'll only have a throw rug not wall-to-wall. That was the compromise big deal huh? And as for that piano too bad it can't be salvaged even as furniture.

[25:21] Unless somehow it's completely stripped down and refinished because you see not only does it have some nice big dents and scratches in it the insecticide ran down one of the legs and stripped off the varnish. Leaving yet another silver dollar sized ugly stain in that carpet. So before I could say I told you so Eddie said don't say it Johnny. No one likes a smart ass. And now for all of you guys and gals out there who've been sending emails asking me why. Eddie's fiance is more than slightly pissed off at me. Why she won't let him hang with me anymore. Let's just say for starters she blames me for everything that went wrong in that previous story. And as for Eddie well he's one of the most easy going guys you'll ever meet. So after all was said and done he left and offered to sell me a cheap piano.

[26:09] Cheap. Real cheap. But you know fortunately I travel light and I don't collect things like that anymore. My accumulation of useless and semi-useless junk phase in life has long passed. Thank god or I probably would have bought the thing. So what's next in the crazy life of Expat Eddie? Well I'll pass it on to you as soon as it filters down as usual. Now before the show ends today I've been promising one of my new Expat wisdom seminar friends. Who's now moved down here to Central America that I'd pass on this little story. Now if you remember maybe about 50 shows ago. I mentioned that hiring a moving van and a complete crew to go with it is beyond cheap down here if you know how to do it. And that there are tons of freelance guys and their trucks down here.

[26:55] And they have the words Flate printed on the side of them. F-L-E-T-E. Anyway one of my new acquaintances who's down here now. After attending my Expat wisdom seminar he had a half a container full of household goods shipped down a while back. And he took my advice and had all his stuff moved in one truckload to his new apartment about 60 miles away. And when he checked with franchise international movers at the port. They quoted him 800 bucks for the move. So instead he hired one of the freelance guys who had two guys with him. And the total cost 125 bucks. You've been listening to The Expat Files. Living in Latin America. Coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border.

[27:43] Email me theexpatfiles at gmail.com. And don't forget to check out expatwisdom.com to sign up for your free reports on Latin America. See you next time. Nos vemos.