#396 – The Expat Files: Legal Systems, Bribery, and Cultural Dynamics in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Now last time I ended the show talking about lawyers Mentioning the fact that even though I've been down here more than 20 years I've never heard lawyer jokes and that says a lot about how the locals view lawyers at least lawyers

[00:47] Practicing off the gringo tourist trail, which is another reason why I highly recommend you stay off that trail yourself and note that 95% of Latin America is off the gringo tourist trail So again, let me repeat when you're off the gringo tourist trail Latin lawyers are unlike first-world lawyers all because of that advantageous lag time effect that we talk about advantageous to us that is that said lawyers here don't have that putrid reputation that Politicians and lawyers up north suffer from in fact, it was just about a year ago I was at another one of those upscale parties the ones that usually hate to go to but I was dragged to this one Yep, that'll happen sometimes. Anyway, that's where you see the usual pretentious mix of political clowns and lawyers and

[01:36] Embassy jerks and scumbags from various embassies US Mexico UK Panama Argentina You know the usual embassy government type human colostomy bags that never held a real job in their entire lives And that's being kind. Anyway occasionally like at this very dull party I like to test out that lawyer joke theses of mine I'll tell an old standby lawyer joke that I think I heard back in the sixth grade Just stir things up a bit and get a reaction. You know the one where you ask someone at a party What do you call a busload of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? The answer of course is a good start and you know what only the first world embassy jerks chuckled at that one And because of the audience had told it in English and Spanish and still no response from the locals

[02:26] They just didn't get it now Of course Latin America has its share of scumbag lawyers and the vast majority of those parasites can be found You know where on the gringo tourist trail, Costa Rica Panama Cancun in fact most of Mexico and you know I think it should be international law that 99.9% of all lawyers that go into politics whether in the first world or third world should eventually be shot At least in the leg. Oh, and by the way, I love expat Eddie's idea of term limits He said every politician everywhere should serve two terms one four-year term in office and one four-year term in prison But I digress as usual and speaking about lawyers getting shot

[03:11] I mentioned in the past show that being a lawyer is one of the most dangerous jobs in Latin America Second only believe it or not to being a chicken bus driver but as it turns out every time you read about a lawyer being shot or killed when you pick up the local paper or Flick on the TV and you really do see a lot of that down here The thing is if you read the article or the follow-up articles the next day or two You'll see that nearly every time it was no fluke or random event These lawyers were closely connected to politicians and or narcos And that's why us expats when we see news like that on TV or in the paper We can't help but repeat the punchline to that bad joke, you know, it's a good start

[03:56] So bottom line when you see in the media that a Latin lawyer's been popped in nearly every situation The guy was involved in some very dirty business In fact as expat Eddie always says it kind of makes you believe in a certain kind of cosmic justice Anyway, for all you first world lawyers out there listening to me Don't send me emails defending your so-called noble profession because noble it ain't enough said about that Now remember a couple of shows ago. I was talking about the Arab and the Muslim populations here in Latin America Now a question that always seems to come up when you're standing around with a bunch of gringos and expats is sure There's not a hell of a lot of Arabs and Muslims and Islamic people in Latin America But they are down here every medium and large city has a small contingent

[04:44] So you have to ask how'd they get here because they too somehow had to get a visa to fly over They didn't come in a boat and you know The only reason they ended up in Latin America Anyway, it's because they couldn't get in on their first choice, which would have been in the US or Canada Most of them never even bother they know it's futile Why because first world visa requirements are just too impossible for the average Middle Eastern person To fulfill in any event. They couldn't even get on a plane without a bona fide visa from some Latin American country They planned on visiting in other words somewhere along the line They had to have made it to a Latin consulate in their country in the Middle East or North Africa Wherever to fill out the proper paperwork and forms and get that visa, which is still very difficult to do by the way in many

[05:32] Cases in fact the rules and regs to get a visa to a Latin country are exactly the same as they are to get a Visa to the US and if you doubt that just jump on the Mexican Brazilian Costa Rican Chilean or Panama counselor websites and you'll see what I'm talking about So then if they have to jump through just as many hoops to get a visa to let's say Paraguay Belize or Bolivia when the vast majority of Middle Easterners wouldn't even try to get a visa to the US or Canada because They'd know it's hopeless Why would Middle Eastern people try for a third world country then knowing third world visas are just as hard to get? Ostensibly anyway the question being then how did they pass muster at a Latin foreign consulate in their home country?

[06:19] I mean, they're here in Latin America in small numbers. Yes, but they are living here now So then how did they get the visas? Well, I'll give you one guess a lot of them and who knows what percentage Came through by simple bribery though. No one would call it that not in the Middle East That would simply be called grease in the wheels or handing over a little gift to move to the front of the line Same for Latin America. That's why so many long-term expats I know carry with them in a hidden pocket a hundred dollar bill a fifty dollar bill and a twenty dollar bill Why to grease the wheels when necessary, of course Like for example when you get pulled over by a lone cop We talked about that before didn't we every gringo one expat who's ever been down here for some time has greased the wheels himself a bit

[07:11] Bribery is a way of life though here in Latin America. They call it more Dita now I don't know what they call it in the Middle East. Maybe they don't even have a name for it It's so common, but that's life in the Middle East now. It's time for a little story. I Have a Latin friend whose brother worked for years as an attaché To the Costa Rican consulate in Vienna, Austria Now this guy told me that his brother gets a housing allowance from the Costa Rica diplomatic corps because that's part of his pay package And benefits and he gets a paid round-trip ticket for him and his family to come back to Costa Rica once a year Part of that benefits package and of course a salary however since the cost of living in Vienna Austria is actually more than the cost of living in a big city in the United States a

[07:59] Person really has to make at least 60,000 bucks a year to live a middle-class life And that's true of Vienna and most European capitals, too And if you're looking at London Paris Rome or Madrid the cost of living is even beyond that Anyway, but and this is a big but that's no reference to any rap song by the way The Costa Rican government only pays this guy 24,000 bucks a year that's for his salary and that's at least three times as much as he'd get if he was Working for the government in somewhat the same capacity in Costa Rica believe it or not So naturally when he got that job some years ago He thought it was a great deal triple his government salary back home and living in a beautiful first world country

[08:46] And since like his brother said that job comes with some glamour and snob appeal working at an embassy in Vienna He's been on that job for years and makes do though He looks like he's living high off the hog with three-piece suits and everything going to work every day He goes home at night to his wife and two kids to their little apartment and between him and his wife salary She's a schoolteacher They could never afford even in the 20 years They've been together in Vienna to even scrape up a down payment on a house or a condo In fact, he's mentioned to his brother that there are people on the dole in Vienna that make $24,000 a year and they get everything else paid for like their health care and apartment, too And that's pretty much the same story with all Latin American counselors throughout the world

[09:33] Turns out even the ambassador himself the head guy makes only what we'd call a solid middle-class salary Yet he's got to put on a show and appear at all these pompous political events, etc And sure he's supplied a car and a driver and a housing allowance, too But let's just say the only way these guys can really live and keep up with the lifestyles of the other Ambassadors from first world countries like France Germany the US Japan, etc people that he has to mingle with and have meetings with all the time and those first world ambassadors and they're at Tachets, etc are making twice sometimes three times as much as your average Latin American ambassador in their country So how do they make it and why do they keep staying on the job besides the glamour and the snob appeal?

[10:21] Well wouldn't you know it's simple. They're highly susceptible to gifts donations favors honorariums And well bribes and according to an inside source that I've spoken to they say nope It's not obvious. Not at all. No one comes right out with the money and tries to bribe someone within the embassy That would be stupid and beyond foolish instead. There are unofficial visa facilitators and lawyers That handle visas and applications and paperwork and accept honorariums, etc Who with a wink and a nod can promise a lot and generally deliver not in all cases, of course But generally as long as the Middle Eastern or North African even Russian Ukraine or Bulgarian person Whatever comes up with the proper honorarium and doesn't have a police record or isn't on an interpol list

[11:12] There's a good chance that a visa to a Latin country will be forthcoming So once again as usual embassy and consulate personnel are scumbags to surprise surprise, huh? And the more an ambassador and his staff are underpaid in Reference to the local cost of living the easier it is It seems for an otherwise dodgy individual with incomplete paperwork to get a visa Hmm. How about that? Well, and by the way, sometimes it's not about the money either Just listen to this headline from a few years back under pressure from the US government the government of Guatemala suspended its Los Angeles based council general as authorities investigate Accusations that he made a fraudulent Guatemalan passport for his lover and arranged for her to obtain a US

[12:00] Diplomatic visa under false pretenses The article goes on to say one of the highest ranking Guatemalan diplomats in the United States was jilted It's alleged by his former lover a finalist in the Miss Guatemala beauty contest Anyway, that happened a few years ago in the states where it's much more difficult to get away with that kind of stuff However, if you're in a Middle Eastern third world country, well, let's just say things are much more lax Oh, and by the way, what happened to that guy who used to be the Los Angeles council? Well for all that mess he came back to Guatemala and was awarded another high-level government job Sound familiar? So the point is even after 9-11 in the third world the Middle Eastern third world that is dodgy Paperwork can often be corrected by a stack of Benjamins

[12:48] And by the way note that in all 20 Latin American countries if you're from the States Canada the EU Or any first world country you're allowed 90 days in a Latin country as a tourist or visitor Without having to ever apply for a visa First world people get into Latin countries visa-free without having to go through any of that consulate garbage And what a lot of people don't realize is that Israel because of its high standard of living is considered a first world country And thus anyone holding an Israeli passport can get into all Latin countries visa-free the same as anyone from the States or Canada or the EU or Australia etc And for all the little Middle Eastern enclaves you see in the medium and large cities here as for the Israelis and the Jewish

[13:37] People in Latin America things are a bit different They keep a low profile they seem to have assimilated completely and you almost never see them in the news And they never seem to live in particular enclaves Now as for occasionally getting into the media or the press the so-called Adebes the name that Latins give to anyone who's a Muslim or from the Middle East or North Africa Who's not Jewish anyway so called Adebes they do pop up in the news once in a while And it's usually for two reasons one because one of them who's a businessman has been gunned down somewhere Every couple of months you see something like that in a paper What you'll see on the news is a nice late-model SUV with about 20 bullet holes in it

[14:23] usually on a business side street somewhere and the motive nearly always revenge money or both and The second reason Muslim Arab types will show up in the paper is Well, you're never gonna guess this it's because they get caught with truckloads of contraband material or contraband stuff of some kind or pirated stuff is found in their trucks or place of business in other words violating intellectual property laws or being involved in large-scale tax evasion now most expats Especially long-term expats who would say three cheers for that since governments are so damn corrupt down here Well, in fact all over the world that any money they get out of you through taxes or otherwise is basically unarmed robbery

[15:09] But anyway as it turns out I happen to get some information first hand from a customs official at the Mexican Guatemala border And he told me that of all the people who've been caught falsifying customs documents and tax numbers Etc as well as bribing customs officials on both sides, which is very easy to do I mean again these guys only make about three or four hundred bucks a month anyway By far the majority of people getting caught in big-time scams like that involving Megabucks were in his words those damn ada bees How do you think so much pirated and contraband stuff hits the streets in Latin America? It doesn't just dribble in it comes in in gigantic shipments by the truckload a regular network an octopus that has to be fed And again, let me remind you that every Latin person calls a person from the Middle East

[15:59] No matter what country and ada be unless again, he's Jewish then he's a who day Oh, and here's a happy thought down here in Latin America. Let's have no Projurative that is insulting names or slang names for Jews Middle Eastern people or Asian people They're just who deos ada bees or chinos same thing goes for black people. No pejorative terms here either They're just negritos That's it. There's no other term. Now. You might recall from a few past shows I mentioned that the real pejorative term here in Latin America is to call someone an indio a very insulting term meaning that you're a low-class Under-educated pay seed indigenous person. So even though you'll hear that term

[16:45] Don't you ever use it yourself and on that score some latins have asked me Confidentially if the word gringo is an insulting term when they use it to which I always say it depends on How you say it gringo gringo or gringo? There you have it. It can be nice neutral or insulting depending on where you put the accent, but I digress again Anyway, so I've been informed from a customs investigator himself That even though less than one-tenth of one percent of the people in Latin America are so called ada bees The majority of people who get caught for big-time customs fraud are people of Middle Eastern descent And he made it very clear that these folks were ada bees not who deos meaning the Arabs not the Jews

[17:35] That said what about radical Islamic fundamentalism in regards to a local Middle Eastern population here in Latin America? Well, it turns out there's almost nothing regarding that in local Latin newspapers up to now. It's been a non-issue No protests. No activists. No street marchers and no uncovered terrorists or clandestine cells But that could change in a hurry We'll see that said everyone knows there just has to be a contingent of radicals and cells located down here somewhere Probably in every country who knows so far they seem to be very well under the radar But time will tell and another question comes up then do Latins hang around with Middle Eastern folks Do they show up at standard Latin events can say annual parties and such

[18:22] Do you see him hanging with friendly groups of Latins at restaurants or in bars and discos watching the World Cup together? Well, the answer is decidedly. No, just like the average Latin person does not have any Asian friends Even though these days there are plenty of Asians around you see him at shopping centers and such they are you know Heavily investing down here and you'd think because of their increasing numbers You'd see them show up at mixed events like birthdays and weddings and such even can say annual parties But you don't the fact is when you see Asian people there are always with other Asian people and when you see Middle Eastern people they stick with their own kind too and again I'm talking about off the gringo tourist trail and here's a biggie that no one likes to talk about

[19:11] Except behind closed doors and in whispers too because it's so on PC now You see in regards to Latin American women when you put the question to them what their opinion is of Middle Eastern and even Asian people They're considered way way down on the list as far as eligible mates Unfortunately, according to the women down here Middle Easterners and Asian guys haven't got a chance in hell unless they've got real money Which always tends to break through the class and race barriers Don't you know and as nasty as this might sound and I've heard this from so many women that I just have to bring it up The average Latin woman avoids these guys like the plague as far as romantic attachments Now in speaking of Middle Eastern people again

[19:59] we have to talk about the Jews who by the way are down here in Latin America and every middle and large city to and Are basically quite successful in business and over the years I've met a lot of Jewish Latin Americans and believe me There are such folks people whose parents came from Israel or the States many generations ago So their kids are born down here and have Latin customs And I've met quite a few Jews who've been Transplanted down to Latin America in the last 10 or 20 years from the States due to business many many of them down here Because of the garment trade in fact in some Latin American countries like Honduras, Belize, Guatemala, Nicaragua Etc. Clothing factories employ hundreds of thousands of locals and strangely enough the people in charge of most of these factories are

[20:48] Usually transplanted New York Jews from the garment district and for some reason South Koreans Go figure now as far as the local Jewish people and their social status funny enough I've never met one who's been less than upper-middle-class Which more or less translates to solid middle-class New York or Cleveland style in other words You know two cars in the driveway and all that Meaning you don't see poor or even middle-class Jews down here in Latin America At least I never have seems like they're all doing pretty well And if you come down here You'll notice that they made a point of blending in so well that there really is no telling them apart from Any other upper-middle-class segment of Latin society except for the fact that physically they're much less Latino looking that is short and brown and look much more like they come from middle European stock

[21:39] Which is logical because they tend to marry within their own group too Even though they mix quite well with other segments of Latin society still You don't find too many Jewish people who aren't married to another Jewish person though There are exceptions that I'll mention in a second. So down here like up in the States I guess there still is a stigma within their community about Marrying outside the culture. So like I said, they blend in completely except for that odd Hasidic segment with the funny hats and the curly-q hair and the beards and the baggy black suits They're down here too, but in very very small numbers So anyway, if you're at a party especially an upper-middle-class or upscale party There certainly could be a few Jewish guys or gals there

[22:24] But you wouldn't know it unless they told you and by the way over the years I've had three Latin friends who were half Jewish mother or father being Jewish Whatever and all three of them told me it was kind of tough growing up that way And that there's still a lot of pressure within their culture to marry within the religion That said just know that the Jewish and Muslim combined population down here is still well under one percent Now like I mentioned before occasionally in the bigger cities you'll catch a glimpse of a Hasidic Jew And that's a group that really keeps to themselves In fact, there's zero chance of running into one of those guys at a quinceaños party And so do the large contingent of Mormons keep to themselves that is Except of course when they're out saving souls for Jesus and Joseph

[23:13] Joseph Smith that is remember him now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not picking on Mormons particularly here But it's just so odd to see in a big congested city or way out in the boonies And suddenly you see a big blonde head or two bobbing in the distance about a foot taller than everyone else Well, you got to know they're either clueless Scandinavian backpackers looking for a $5 a night fleabag hotel or Mormons Oh, and by the way, i'm invited to a halloween party already down here halloween's become a big thing But just in the last five years or so before that it was only a big thing in the gringo tourists areas But now it's gotten some traction pretty much everywhere. So for a halloween night, what should I go as?

[23:59] Hmm think i'll bleach my hair blonde starch up my white shirt get some suspenders and go as a mormon Or acidic jew maybe nah mormons better think i'll fool anybody Well, I do have two things going for me I got the height and I can't dance and it's not that I can't dance because Like the mormons I was told I can't dance. It's that I can't dance Oh and get this I like to talk to mormons down here or as expected he says I like to hassle them a bit Put them through their paces in a nice way, of course I guess I do hassle them a bit because I like to ask them things like how come they never seem to get mugged No matter how bad a neighborhood they're in They say it's divine protection

[24:45] I say it's a combination of awe the gringo advantage and dumb luck Of course, there's the fact that me and every other long-term expat We're always surprised by how their churches Just happen to be the nicest most expensive most well-built buildings in the neighborhood that they're set up in While most of the people they're trying to convert live in tin shacks with dirt floors No glass in the windows no sewage systems and they cook with firewood And you know these mormon guys, they never seem to have an adequate answer for that and speaking of mormon guys How come they're all guys? I never see mormon girls traveling in pairs and wearing the uniform I guess I don't know much about that. I'll have to check it out That said I do like to put them on the spot a bit and throw a few questions at them

[25:33] They're always friendly enough and glad to try to convert me and you know Just the other day I was at a sidewalk cafe And there was a mormon standing around talking to his friend and I asked him When you guys go through airports with those standard backpacks Does the tsa or any of the airport guys make you take off your shoes and search you and stuff? Do you get the touchy feely exploration part some of the time? And the darker shorter latin mormon. He said why yes, you know, that's standard procedure, right? In the tall blonde very white skinned mormon with him He said in foreign airports almost never but in the states almost always and he also said in latin airports He's almost never frisked. No one ever touches him Just a little piece of information for you guys and gals out there

[26:20] I'd have to say the suspenders and the white short sleeve shirts looking better all the time, huh? Just brainstorming here, you know Now, you know i'm getting towards the end of the show here now and i've only got about 45 seconds left So in that time i'd like to once again mention my latin american seminar coming up in the first part of the month of january 2015 this time again, it'll be in and around guatemala with a very large boots on the ground portion That means classes in the morning till noon boots on the ground in the afternoon and evening for six days and nights So do go to triple w expat wisdom calm Then click on the latin seminar link at the left top of the page for full details And you'll notice when you get on that site that if you're coming as a couple or two people sharing double occupancy

[27:10] You'll save get this a thousand bucks So do check it out and try to get someone to come along with you. That way you'll get that huge discount once again Go to www expat wisdom calm and click on the latin seminar link So if you want to get on the guaranteed fast track to becoming a latin american expat, you won't want to miss this south of the border You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com And don't forget to check out expat wisdom calm to sign up for your free reports on latin america See you next time nos vemos

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