#427 – The Expat Files: Cultural Insights, Health Habits, and Language Challenges in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Okay now since the holiday season is just about over and I went to a bunch of those things they call convivios down here That's Christmas and holiday parties and believe me once you get to know a few locals You're gonna get invited and you're pretty much obligated to go not that you have to bring anything

[00:47] But you know what screen goes we like to bring a bottle of something rum strychnine shoe polish, whatever Oh and by the way when you invite Latins to a party or a get-together of your own Usually they won't bring anything. So don't get offended if they come empty-handed because well That's par for the course down here And even if you invite somebody for a birthday gig let's say most Latins won't even bring a card It's just a cultural thing and not just a matter of dough because you know card. What's that cost a buck? So all you gringas ladies especially that come down don't be offended That's just the way it is and as for us gringo guys up in New York in Milwaukee and Cleveland and down here in Latin America we're not much on keeping score as to who gives what etc and Note as sexist as this might sound in my experiences women who keep track of those things

[01:36] In fact, my mother can tell you every single gift that every single person gave at her wedding 50 years ago And for us gringo guys, well, most of us can't tell you what we had for breakfast So note you gringo expat ladies down here when you do get a gift or a card from a Latin person that comes over to Your house you've got yourself a very Considerate friend there because that's kind of unusual that said since this was the holiday season I did end up going to a couple of these Convivio parties that I couldn't get out of now at one of these parties I was sitting with a very wealthy expat gringo friend of mine who is married to a beautiful Latina He's been down here maybe 30 years now and made his fortune and naturally his latin wife is big on the convivios the parties and he being a laid-back gringo kind of goes with the flow and

[02:25] Certainly, he's the brains in the family and knows how to make money But she wears the pants and it's obvious and you know, he doesn't mind so much So if he hears this broadcast, he's not gonna get pissed at me. I think anyway I noticed across the table from me one of his kids who must have been about five years old had a mouthful of those silver caps They put on rotted baby teeth. You know what I'm talking about when she smiles She looks like a pint-sized baby rapper now I know up in the states when a dentist does that that means the kids just hopelessly addicted to sugar along with terrible dental hygiene Of course down here in Latin America millions of kids adults and adolescents In fact more than half the population are in the same boat though 90% of them don't have the dough to get that stuff taken care of you won't see middle-class or lower middle-class people taking their kids to

[03:13] The dentist and having caps put on they'll just either leave them rod or if the kids in pain bring them to the dentist and have Them pulled out. So anyway, when you see kids down here with silver caps on their front teeth That means their parents have money certainly in the upper 5% of earning power here in Latin America Now expat Eddie says if he was a no-good-nick kidnapper He'd definitely look for kids with caps on their front teeth because there's no surer sign of family affluence Good thing Eddie's on our side, huh when he's sober anyway So as I sat across the table that night from this privileged little kid with the caps on her teeth I noticed another thing when the maid or cleaning lady or helper the worker that was taking care of the guests at the party Handed this little silver-toothed girl a coca-cola which she poured into a glass believe it or not

[04:03] The little girl put an additional five spoons full of sugar in it, huh? Yuck now You probably know already that a can or a bottle of coke has about 12 teaspoons of sugar in it And here's this kid dosing it even more because to her it's just not sweet enough Now note if you ever invite me to your house or to one of your parties I'm the kind of guy that's gonna look in your refrigerator and maybe in your cupboards and for sure in your medicine Cabinet nope not to swipe anything But just to get an idea of how people live because you know sometimes when you ask people questions about their lifestyle and such They'll outright lie to you I mean what are the recent statistics that the average working person lies or gets lied to at least ten times a day I mean just ask anyone if they think they have a healthy diet and most people will say yes And then all you have to do is look in their refrigerator

[04:49] And you'll see that they have not been a hundred percent truthful with you as scumbag Politicians like to put it and yes at this party I looked in the cupboards in the refrigerators and this guy's house was like a regular junk food store now I know some people will say especially women who are Responsible for the food and stuff at parties normally they'll say they have to have that kind of junk around the house when guests come When company arrives you have to be ready for them some say to which I say when company arrives They're gonna eat what I eat But that's me and some people think I'm a jerk and you know for me and probably some of you out there too The only way that I can keep fit and in good condition is to not have any junk food around the house to tempt me Because I know if I do at one or two in the morning I'll creep into the kitchen and gorge on chocolate bars or Doritos or whatever so I just do not keep any kind of junk

[05:40] Like that around the house, which is one of the reasons why after decades. I'm still at my high school weight That way I really only have to turn on the willpower when I'm out and about and since I always have my car loaded up With my own filtered water and a bag of assorted nuts that I put together myself pecans almonds cashews Walnuts and macadamias unsalted that holds me when I get the urge to munch and always in the car I have at least two or three of the local fruits one of my favorites called Mandarina which is basically a very large and sweet version of a tangerine now the cool thing about this fruit It's unlike an orange in that you can peel the skin off really easily with just one hand You never have to fight with it the peel comes right off now There's about five or more varieties of these things and they go for about ten cents each and they're in season about

[06:28] 3-quarters of the year too. Anyway, so I have my water my assorted nuts and my fruits in the car So whenever I get the urge to much I never never have to resort to buying junk food ever Which believe me seems to be the downfall of so many gringles I see down here in Latin America when they get hungry They pop into McDonald's or at a corner store to pick up some Cheetos, but you know, they're Americans So you can't train them, right? So anyway when people ask me how I do it That's the spiel I give them and it's true and how I can maintain that high school weight so for me it's easy because I've had the same routine for about 20 or 30 years and If you want to know the whole story, I don't eat at any fast food places either and about six days a week I exercise one hour a day on a treadmill and do about ten minutes of free weights and

[07:16] That folks and you emailers out there is how I keep my girlish figure And you know the hardest thing for me to give up which was a long time ago was coca-cola and sodas now I do admit I have about five coca-colas a year and that's only when I'm at a very hot beach and I'm totally parched You know when you just need something really really cold and there's no ice cold filtered water around But I digress. Anyway, the point is that kids down here in Latin America are hopelessly addicted to sugar and their parents even when their gringos are usually clueless or worse their Enablers as was my wealthy gringle friend who gave that party. He should know better, right? But again, you can't train him and believe me It's not just wealthy Latins or clueless gringos either drop into any middle or upper middle-class

[08:04] Kitchen in Latin America where the cleaning ladies hang out and be amazed at how many spoons of sugar they put in their lemonade or coffee Three four five six even more spoons in a cup of coffee. I see it all the time So anyway, that's the level of health education They got going down here, which I guess is pretty much the same as it is up north, right? But at least the sugar addicts down here in Latin America have one thing going for them. There is no high fructose corn syrup It's all real cane sugar. Unless of course you buy imported product from the States now I know that's a small consequence But in the end it could just mean the difference between having a fat kid with a mouthful of rotted teeth Versus a fat kid with a mouthful of rotted teeth and a host of other medical problems like diabetes Okay, that said a little while later at that convivial party

[08:51] I was sitting next to a lawyer and he said to me Johnny, you know for a long time My dream was to practice law up in the States. I know that's impossible for a Latin attorney He said and for a lot of reasons, but it just looks so glamorous on all those lawyer TV shows and stuff You know, they're always flying everywhere. They've got beach houses and Mercedes and Ferraris, etc And you know after he mentioned all the goodies that lawyers accumulate up in the States I really did not want to get into any kind of discussion at all with this guy about lawyers Because I knew if I got started I'd be sure to insult him And I just met the guy and he seemed like a pretty nice guy So I just nodded and didn't say much then he said something to me that I'm still thinking about I can't get it out of my mind He said Johnny, you know, I always had that dream

[09:37] But lately I'm thinking maybe not because I just realized that up in the States People can file for divorce online without a lawyer and I said what you mean people can file online now That was certainly news to me Then he said I guess that online stuff is gonna take a lot of business away from lawyers So maybe in the future it won't be such a good place to practice Then he said, you know that online filing and stuff can never work down here in Latin America At least and not in my lifetime because you know what about 90% of all the divorce cases I've ever done the couples either don't have computers And if they do they barely know how to use them and most of them don't have internet access at home Oh, their kids are on their computers and smartphones

[10:23] All right But your average parents down here are just not technically savvy and they shy away from computers And then he added about that online filing stuff He's certain Latin American governments would never go along with it because they're just so fond of red tape and bureaucracy Any economic measures to streamline things almost never fly until they've had quite a lot of false starts And then he said this and it didn't surprise me He said did you know that in every single government office in all big cities in Latin America? There are still manual typewriters You can always find one somewhere when you need it because printers jam or they run out of ink and manual typewriters Well, you don't need electricity either And that's why he says in every government office. You can always find a drawer that's packed full of typewriter ribbons and whiteout

[11:13] You know liquid paper and you know while he was saying that I thought back to just about a month ago last time I took a flight and you know, it turned out he was right I had to pay I think three dollar fine for overstaying my 90-day visa by three days So I was directed to a little kiosk where a guy whipped out a typewriter and filled in about five forms and I was on My way now that's more than common down here But I'll bet you there are tens of millions of people up in the states who've never even seen one live and in person Now remember you only see those things down here in government offices and government hospitals and government clinics and government public schools and such Which is why I always try to emphasize to new gringos and fresh expats that in Latin America Especially off the gringo tourist trail. There is no danger of a big brother state ever taking hold

[12:02] Not in your lifetime anyway down here The people are addicted to sugar and the government addicted to red tape and I mean old-school red tape, too Oh, and by the way for you junior historians out there Do you know where the term red tape comes from let turns out? That's what bureaucrats and government officials used to use in the colonial and Victorian days to bind together Important documents and if someone or something could cut through that red tape that would usually entail a bribe now as this lawyer spoke in his monotone and the conversation got more and more boring as Conversations with lawyers do tend to proceed by the way Why is it that lawyers and government workers and accountants never realize how boring they really are goes with the territory? I guess Anyway in the midst of all that

[12:47] Thankfully a kid in front of us tripped and fell right on his face to which I changed the subject and said to the guy You know in the states that would be a nice lawsuit and he said why is that and I was thinking duh say what? He obviously wasn't thinking like a first-world lawyer now Was he then I said just look what that kid tripped on the edge of that tile is raised and sticking out Can you see that? then the lawyer looked at me and said you can sue the homeowner up in the states if Someone falls in his home and I said of course in the states She can sue someone for anything some people make a pretty good dishonest living at it to which he said So that means a lot of frivolous lawsuits right to which I said yeah Frivolous nuisance lawsuits people make a lot of money off those and I told them that I knew for a fact that if you sue a

[13:38] doctor or a dentist for five or ten thousand bucks the insurance company will almost always pay out rather than go to court because It'll cost him that much to send a couple of lawyers up and fight the case Then he shook his head and said yeah down here that would never work because Physicians and dentists don't carry malpractice insurance here So there's no insurance company to sue or settle with for that matter He said little mom-and-pop stores don't carry any kind of umbrella insurance either So there's no use suing them, but that's another story The point here is that beautiful Spanish tile that was set a little bit too high on the floor It didn't have to be that way it could have been set flush And then the kid would have never taken a spill But it was set wrong and building a lot of houses myself I know exactly how that happened you see most of Latin America is in an earthquake sound so

[14:29] No matter where you are you're bound to get a few tremors here and there And since most middle class and upscale Latins have beautiful tile or wood floors Eventually after enough small little tremors or earthquakes The odd piece in a Spanish or ceramic tile floor will work itself loose And when you walk on it you can tell it has a different sound or it flexes or creaks just a little bit The other telltale sign is that you'll see cracking around the grout line So eventually you call a tile installer or your maintenance guy in to fix it Now the problem is most of these guys that come in and do the repair work are pretty sloppy The main problem is they don't dig out all the tile cement before they lay down a new layer And they rarely scrape off all the cement that's still stuck to the back of the tile

[15:18] So you're supposed to scrape out every little less bit of tile cement from the floor And the back of the tile or it just won't sit right when it's finally cemented back in place That's why with so many tile repair jobs down here There's an obvious tile or two sticking one or two millimeters up above the rest of them Now one or two millimeters isn't much and you don't see it at first but it's enough to trip on But if you get down low and you look at the floor surface from the viewpoint of your shoes You can always tell in these houses where a repair job's been done So again it's details details When it becomes necessary for a repair like that in your own house Make sure you're there when the guy digs that tile out And you make sure he gets all the cement out down to the concrete sub floor

[16:04] So if you start out from the beginning laying down the gringo law Give them some first world specs they'll follow them all right But note you just can't leave them to their own devices Because in your tile is going to turn out like every other repair job And kids drunks and old ladies are going to find that bad tile in a hurry Believe me The only saving grace being there's no one to sue Okay let's change gears completely Here's an email Dear Johnny I was wondering if in Latin America they have any such thing as an alternative press Alternative media or alternative television stations or news programs or papers or magazines And what about university newspapers and alternative magazines etc Just wondering Johnny because up here in the Obama nation About the only place you can trust any kind of news or reports at all

[16:54] Are from the alternative media sources And I believe you know that because you're one of them Keep up the good work Johnny Nicholas from DC Well thanks for that Nicholas And I gotta say In the end Latin people don't give a damn about the first world corporate media And they don't care about the alternative media Which they haven't a clue what that is anyway Know that if you read or speak Spanish And you pick up any one of the local rags or you watch TV or whatever You'll see that their prime time mainstream news is even a couple of days or even weeks Behind what you read and see in the first world prime time media crap So what does that mean to us expats and expat gunna bees Don't expect to get into any deep conversations with college kids Or kids with master's degrees or even professional career people

[17:41] Now believe me this is gonna sound like I'm kind of a jerk here But even when you do meet a very knowledgeable Latin that seems to be quite smart Don't be surprised if you've heard every single argument they've made a hundred times before Now I know a lot of smart gringos and expats down here And most of them the longer they're down here of course the more Latin friends they have And even though most long-term expats have college educated and professional friends They're not as one guy put it Very good verbal or intellectual sparring partners It was the same long-term gringle friend that told me Ever since he really learned his Spanish Well enough so that he could pick up all the innuendos He said he feels like he's on a thankless mission to educate So-called college educated Latins about what's really happening in the world

[18:29] Because like he said they have such a superficial understanding About what's going on in the rest of the world Now he makes a point of saying these are not bad people And they're not know-it-alls either They don't try to force anything down your throat But they just have such incomplete information In fact he says he doesn't like that job of being the answer man One bit But what else is he going to do? He's not at all the type of guy that's going to sit and listen to some guys Spouting some mass consumption media feces Without gently trying to straighten these guys out when they're patently wrong And he emphasizes that word gently Because he said the key for so-called enlightened gringos Having conversations with supposedly educated Latin folks like that Is number one Be extra polite

[19:15] Two Try not to get angry Three Be extra polite again Four Don't condescend And five Try to listen more than speak Meaning don't dominate the conversation And be extra polite about it So in the end if there is one major frustrating thing about being an enlightened gringo Not talking about me, I'm talking about him Is that as you learn more and more Spanish You'll have more and more Latin friends And you'll go to more and more Latin parties And you'll have more and more in-depth conversations With more and more superficially educated people Who don't know what the hell they're talking about You know up in the states it's even hard to find like-minded people Who really have their eyes open and see what's going on In fact when I give my Latin American seminars That's what people always say Boy isn't it refreshing to get together and meet like-minded people face to face

[20:03] As if like-minded people who are well tuned in to the alternative media Don't exist anywhere but in the internet ether Though if you live far away from a big city that could be true Now sure like Nicholas alluded to in that email College campuses all over the world Even in Latin America have their alternative little rags Their little off-beat campus newspapers and newsletters etc And in each big Latin American city A city over a half million people They usually have three to five newspapers And at least one of those newspapers Will be known as kind of the dissenting voice The alternative against the powers that be The politicos in office at that time But really they're just part of the same machine And the people behind those get their money Wherever they can get it From their friends and foes Because usually they're run on a shoestring

[20:50] And are near bankruptcy all the time Not to mention most of them are considered fringe So they have very low circulations Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying at all that Latins are stupid Just uninformed because they don't read much And generally lacking in curiosity about the rest of the world Now over the years I've met quite a few Latins That seem to be a lot smarter than I am Which might not be saying much However these guys and gals No matter how brilliant they are Have very little breadth of knowledge Kind of like a piano player Who can read music beautifully till the cows come home But take away his music and he just can't improvise So then why is so much of Latin society like that? Well it all goes back to the fact that At their schools and university at every level

[21:36] They're taught to memorize And when you're brought up in an environment like that It stifles creativity And they're not chance takers either And how do I know that? Well how about this one? You explain to me why the average Latin guy Lives in the house of his parents till he gets married or forever And half the time when he gets married He still lives at home Now tell me as a parent how would you handle that? Oops I take that back Maybe you are trying to handle it right now I mean that's the trend in the States now isn't it? Anyway down here in Latin America there's none of that Hey mom and dad I just graduated from high school or college I'm out of here Nope young Latin guys and gals They just hang on at home forever Like I said they're not chance takers The exception being Latins that have nothing to lose

[22:22] The ones that live in ghettos with tin roofs Cold running water if that And no sanitation Now when confronted with that The first thing they do is They head to the welcoming arms of Uncle Sam To the States right? So like I said there are some very smart Latins out there Unless daddy's rich They rarely have a chance to really spread their wings And even then they don't feel like they have to Oh but of course just like in the States You'll meet pseudo-intellectuals down here too You know university types and stuff That think they know everything Like we thought we knew everything When we went to college too And that's more or less the kind of crowd You're gonna run into If you're off the tourist trail And get invited to high end parties And being a gringo Unless you're way out in the boonies You're gonna get those invites And get this

[23:08] I just got a call from a new friend of mine Who came to one of my seminars about 6 months ago Him and his other half And they decided to move down here So they packed their things And they've been here maybe 4 months So the other day I got a phone call from Well we'll call him Sam Now expat Sam had never been to Central America before And when he came down he didn't know anyone Except me, my staff And the other guys and gals that he met at the seminar Not to mention he nor his better half spoke a word of Spanish Well he doesn't anyway Though she might And there is a reason why I'm assuming that she does What seems to always happen is When a couple comes down from the first world It's always the woman that picks up the Spanish first That is when all things are equal And neither of them know a lick of Spanish when they get here

[23:54] Maybe it's because she's the one that has to deal with the gardeners And the cleaning ladies and such And she's the one that ends up going to the market And doing the household things So because she's kind of managing the house She picks up that kitchen Spanish rather quickly And the guy, well he can just sit back And let it all happen She can be queen of the house And he can be king of the channel surfers Or not But in any event it's almost always the case That when a couple comes down from the first world The woman picks up on the Spanish first And for the guy Sometimes he never learns his Spanish at all In fact I know quite a few gringos down here Even ones off the gringo tourist trail Who've been down here 5, 10, even 15 years And they only know about 50 words of Spanish And some of them when you ask them Seem to have a kind of a twisted pride in that fact So then you ask how can that be

[24:41] Off the gringo tourist trail Where there's practically no one speak in English Well it's not hard to be a Spanish dunce forever Even well off the gringo tourist trail If you hang around one of the big Latin cities Because in those cities They always have a business and high-end hotel district Mixed in with high-end restaurants And casino, gambling, and upscale discos, etc What they call the Zona Viva or the Zona Rosa Which translates to the lively zone or the zone of life You know the upscale party district Where people with money hang And that's where all the first world hotels And convention centers are So if you hang around there You will run into certain amount of gringos Coming in for business and conventions and stuff The fact is all those big first world hotels Huddled together like the Radisson And the Clarion Suites And the Princess Towers And the Hard Rock hotels and all that

[25:28] Well nearly everyone who works in those hotels speaks English So if you hang around in the local sports bar Or whatever in one of those hotels You'll never learn your Spanish Because those places are set up to be Carbon copies of gringo bars And believe it or not Big first world hotels always have a replica U.S. sports bar slash burger joint With jerseys on the wall An autograph Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods posters, etc Though 9 out of 10 times the autographs are fake And the thing is if you insist on hanging around In places like that You'll never learn your Spanish And you'll pay first world prices for drinks And meals and such Because that's where the high rollers in the country go to hang Okay but back to the point Anyway one of my Expat Wisdom seminar couples Came back down here to live I guess

[26:14] And here's what the gringo guy said Johnny I wouldn't have believed it But that gringo advantage you talk about is alive and well Turns out in his short time down here He's been making a lot of friends Almost none of them gringos Now by hook and crook And without any help from me at all He told me that he's now being invited to some Very high end Latin shindigs And believe it or not Now he's on a first name and party basis With a guy who owns a 10,000 acre hardwood forest in Honduras But that's not the draw you see On this land he's got a newly discovered Mayan city That's got the ruins of many pyramids Now of course those archaeologic sites belong to the state But they're deep in his property And you have to go on his roads, etc, to get there

[26:59] So if there's any kind of tourism push at all And it looks like it's gonna be big He's got all the land around this place So my gringo friend and his wife met this guy at a party That was held in the apartment complex that they're renting Now expat Sam and company are jettin' around with this guy Something like that could never happen in a million years To a guy living in Cucamonga, Montreal, or Cleveland Same thing happened to me when I first got down here You'll find out when you're off the tourist trail Everyone wants to be friends with a gringo You've been listening to The Expat Files Living in Latin America Coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me, theexpatfiles at gmail.com

[27:46] And don't forget to check out expatwisdom.com To sign up for your free reports on Latin America See you next time Nos vemos