#433 – The Expat Files: Life, Challenges, and Lessons in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started So let's see the show's going out on Friday the 13th, which to me is just exactly like any ordinary day except down here in Latin America you might think since they're about ten times more superstitious than first world people and note

[00:46] I'm really under playing this here That said you'd think that Friday the 13th would be a very very testy day for most Latin's But as luck would have it hmm unfortunate choice of words there, huh? That day means absolutely nothing to lens Anyway, even though first world people who follow the Kardashians or who've never read a science book in their lives You know those mental midgets who think astrology is a science and cosmology has something to do with makeup and hair extensions Well, we can excuse those folks for thinking that Friday the 13th is an ominous day In fact a dumbed-down population believes all kind of fantasies like for example The US dollar is backed by gold the tooth fairy really exists Obama was born in the US and Bush jr. Has a three-digit IQ

[01:33] That said down here in Latin America. The number 13 is just a plain old number Which is why you'll notice when you're down here. It's all buildings actually do have a 13th floor Well, I take that back some first world hotel chains like Hilton Marriott, etc They still follow that first world custom and eliminate the 13th floor Which you might figure would confuse any Latin that happens to be paying attention But alas, that's not the case now me being the curious type often to the annoyance of others I've been in a few of these big first world hotels down here that don't have a 13th floor And I've asked cooks and butlers and maids and people have worked in these hotels for years Why there is no 13th floor the universal answer it always seemed to get was hmm. Really?

[02:21] There's no 13th floor Again, it's details details. This is Latin America, you know now It's not that the people are stupid far from it But they just don't seem to be the very curious sort or maybe you have a better hypothesis Who knows? I mean, come on if you worked in a hotel for years as a maid or a porter or whatever How long do you think it would take you to notice that they were missing a floor? Well, apparently down here in Latin America when that odd situation does occur No one cares or bothers to even ask why except for what it's worth nosy gringos like me In fact, you should have seen the look on his face when we were standing in the elevator and I pointed up to the rack of Numbers indicating the floors when I asked him in Spanish, of course, what happened to floor 13?

[03:08] The guy said under his breath. No, say boy up preguntar, which means I don't know. I'll ask Yep, that's all I got out of him. This from a guy who's worked at that hotel more than five years The I don't know talk about lack of innate curiosity, huh? Oh, well enough of picking on the lens now, it's time to pick on the gringos Now there's a nagging subject that often comes up when a bunch of long-term expats are sitting around shooting a breeze Of course, I get quite a few emails on the subject too. And that is why do a certain predictable percentage of gringos fail in Latin America? Then usually after a short time they head back to Cleveland or Texas with their tail between their legs Yep, they land back in Milwaukee with a lighter wallet and more than a handful of sour memories, too

[03:58] To clarify that let's exclude gringos who come down and find that they're homesick for the Krispy Kremes or the grandkids or the 50% tax bracket or the big brother nanny state, whatever So was it just bad planning or perhaps it was Friday the 13th when they landed and their sign was descending on Saturn or some such rot Now if you haven't figured this out already the reason why I have this show The expat files living in Latin America is not to hear my own squeaky voice and bad jokes every week It's to help you guys out there you gonna bees and wannabes It's not only an effort to point out the huge advantages for gringos down here in Latin America But to point out the pitfalls that so many gringos fall into when they first get down here I mean, you know the stories that I tell and the incidents that I point out a lot of that stuff happened to me

[04:48] I mean after all I came down before the internet 25 years ago back Then it was difficult to find people with boots on the ground advice back then if you came down you really were on your own Especially if one you didn't know any Spanish and two you went off the gringo tourist trail which is why so many gringos ended up in Panama and Costa Rica and Mexico and subsequently failed Now that said a good friend of mine who came down to one of my very first expat wisdom seminars A very smart and worldly guy who ended up coming down here to Latin America after the seminar and living here permanently Since the day he first moved down a couple years ago He decided to catalog all of his trials and tribulations in a blog along with a website, too

[05:34] So he decided to help expat wannabes as much as he could through his own experiences Like he says he helps people stumble through paradise like he's done and his name uh John Galt now the reason why I bring this up is because I really like his blog for one thing He's a security expert So he's got a hell of a lot to say to you expats and expat wannabes who's overriding reason for not making the plunge is All those bad things you've heard about latin america and that latin american fear factor that said mr John Galt just sent me an email parts of which i'm gonna read to you right now That explains so much of why certain gringos fail and just give up after a time down here in latin america

[06:19] I'll paraphrase as usual. So here goes he starts out by saying John Galt here with a story that I think will amuse you and your listeners I was in chella guaramala last week during that time one of the expats who follows my facebook page and my website The new expat.com wanted to meet me for coffee. And by the way, it's me. Johnny again I do recommend you go there and check it out. It's well worth your time That's www the new expat.com. Anyway John Galt goes on to say apparently she felt confident enough to come down to latin america on her own After checking out certain expat blogs and reading up on the do's and don'ts of coming down Anyway, she contacted me from my new expat facebook site and wanted to meet me for coffee

[07:07] And I thought to pump me for some good information that might help her expedite her settling in latin america You know the things that would be great down here What would be good and what to look for and what to avoid the usual suspects and the usual themes for new expats? But as it turned out it was one of the worst two hours I had in recent memory I should have had a clue from the fact that she shipped her car down here via vehicle carrier from the states through mexico And not by boat which is generally cheaper safer and a much more logical choice Anyhow, while she said she follows my blogs both on facebook and the web It's obvious. She doesn't go in much for using the knowledge

[07:54] Anyway, she decided to load her car with boxes Which of course is big mistake number two She should have known better then she labeled each with its contents as is necessary And because she packed things in her car it delayed the whole process six weeks So the car and her boxes came through without complete documentation Meaning she has a vehicle that is here illegally All the boxes had been gone through and my guess is gone through several times So anyway, here's how the conversation kind of went first She says she loves chela which by the way is about a one to two hour drive from the mexican border Then she says she doesn't like it because it's too cold and at the same time. It's too warm

[08:41] Then she added it's a wonderfully cultural place But not quite metropolitan enough for her then she says she just loves the indigenous people However would like to move somewhere in latin america. That's more like washington dc the area that she fled Hmm dc Now that says a lot right there, doesn't it? So then john gulp goes on to say he was definitely having a little problem following her conversation Then she said she'd like to move to panama city because it's more metropolitan and safer She obviously hasn't had much experience in panama city Then she rattled on about being a beach person and that she loved salsa dancing In fact, she spoke about salsa dancing as if it was an obsession

[09:28] In fact, she mentioned salsa dancing in panama city And she mentioned she'd taken lessons for 10 years and misses the dancing in washington dc Soon enough. In fact, it became a conversation of pure salsa. I like salsa. I get salsa. I dance salsa I like salsa information. I make good salsa I think salsa cook salsa dance salsa and eat salsa then believe it or not. The nervous ticks started coming Now i'm not lying when I say I ended up a basket case before that conversation was over Luckily, I was traveling with a lady friend and after the first 10 minutes of being with this new expat When my brain overloaded and went dark my lady friend took over the conversation Meanwhile the new expat wannabe lady kept on her rant

[10:16] While my lady friend jumped in as best she could and tried to make things pleasant Anyway, somehow when I finally could get a word in edgewise I recommended she either attend one of your seminars johnny Or at least listen to your radio show because you'd had 20 plus years of experience and could give her some good advice And how to avoid some of the pitfalls, but she blew me off Then I got pissed wondering what the hell I was doing there in the end She blathered on with her facial ticks flaring and I went into a seething simmering boil I gave up and just let her talk on about how she didn't mind making mistakes and at least she was doing it on her own I let her ramble on about her lovely lawyer who is so responsible and trustworthy and who was taking care of everything for her

[11:04] And not charging what the other scumbag lawyers charge She says she pays him about 25 dollars plus fees to get her passport stamped every 90 days I tried to find out what those fees were all about But they must have been so big they weren't pleasant to talk about Oddly enough that little town shella in northern guatemala is very close to the mexican border I never mentioned to her that her brilliant trustworthy lawyer Somehow failed to tell her that she could take a little two-hour bus ride and get that 90-day visa passport stamp All by herself without paying to 25 bucks or extra fees Whatever those were you think she would have known that since she likes to do things by herself, right?

[11:51] Oh, well, everyone knows more than we do, huh johnny and on she rambled I heard her complain that nowhere in chella was there a competent person to lead her to a decent rental on an apartment Hmm I also heard her blather about having the car But too afraid to drive it anywhere and would never go to guatemala city to shop because it was so dangerous She quickly blew off my other recommendation to hire a driver and a car to take her And be with her in that hellhole known as washington dc. I mean guatemala city. Sorry She also complained she couldn't find certain american products like a veina that are available in her Walmart back in dc but not down here in the local walmart

[12:37] Oh, but she repeated she loves living amongst the people in chella though. It's way too far from anything Now I wonder what she means by that since the city itself has about 250,000 people and within the local area about 600,000 or more now, that's me again. Johnny throwing some facts in here that you should know So it's not your average hickdown not to mention it has for better or for worse more than a couple of costcos and walmarts Along with dozens and dozens of first world franchises like derried queens and dunken donuts and office depots and kentucky Fries and seers which surely must constitute for any new expat A rather monk like spartan existence, right? Anyway, mr. Galt goes on to say and in the end

[13:24] I heard her blather about moving to panama because the visa program was so much better than guatemala So then naturally I quizzed her about the things that were so much better in panama And she named some of those benefits which unbeknownst to her were exactly the same as here in guatemala She in fact was ignorant about what the guatemalan visa program offers. Yep, johnny Everyone knows more than we do right? And you know at that point john galt was absolutely stressed to his limit and he writes At that point. I was thinking just give me a gun and i'll off myself right here. I can't take this Then he says finally johnny Why oh why? Do so many expat wannabes and new expats say that they read my stuff and listen to you

[14:13] And somehow not pay a damn bit of attention or even a better question Why do we end up crossing paths with so many of these crazies later on? I know I know It's because they want to meet you or I face to face because they think you or I are some sort of guru With great advice that they'll never follow anyway, and you know i'm still saying to myself never again No more blind coffee shop meetings with people who read my blog Because even now days later i'm still seething from that two hours I just can't get the pictures of that train wreck out of my mind So in the end, that's how our buddy john galt ends his email. That's it. Mr Galt I have to say that you're getting a little taste of what happens to me quite a bit

[14:59] Which brings me to a little gary null story now As you guys gals might know gary null who's head of the prn radio station group in new york He's got 30 years or more in the radio business Prn is the new york station that disseminates gary's show my show richard martin shows and about 50 others Anyway being a radio podcast or blog guy. You have a lot of ups and downs One of the things is like gary null always says There really is a lot of excitement and energy and even a kind of a high when you find out That you've got hundreds of thousands of listeners or whatever And like he says when his seminars and lectures fill or his movies and documentaries Get seen by the millions You can't feel anything but great about that when you see the numbers

[15:46] You really think you're getting the message out there to the masses But then there's the downside the lows when reality hits like gary null says remember He's one of the most famous if not the world's most famous natural health science and nutrition advocate amongst other things Like he said many times the downside and the frustrations will manifest themselves during a seminar or a lecture When there's a break, you know during a coffee break That's when if you take a walk outside the building during that break You see those very people who are at the seminar or lecture chowing down on junk food sucking down sodas and smoking cigarettes The disconnect is pretty obvious there But like he says you see it all the time And the same thing happens when you're doing blogs or shows or radio programs or lectures or seminars

[16:36] You lay your message out there for everyone to hear you Tell them the good the bad the ugly the great the pitfalls the whole works And still so many new expats and expat wannabes and gonabes make the same mistakes over and over that we warn them about And you know, some of those mistakes are absolutely fatal I don't mean fatal in the loss of life sense fatal in that some of those new expat bad experiences Easily avoidable problems. I might add if you'd been paying attention Well shake your confidence so badly that you'll head back home to kookamunga or cleveland with your tail between your legs Yep, i've heard those stories, too Yeah, it just might lock yourself in your basement or your attic for a while You're ready to face the world your friends and family that told you you were nuts to go in the first place and you'd be back soon

[17:26] Man, that's a hard pill to swallow. What an ego killer, huh? For example, well, you know, i've got hundreds of examples So where do I start you want to know how many times i've told people and it's an awful mistake to move to costa rica Or panama or belize or ninety percent of mexico. Oh, yeah in my 430 shows now I've said it a thousand times and I still get emails every single week from people who do just that Even people who admit they've listened to all 400 something of my shows more than once In fact, some of the people who've been to my seminars have come all the way down and done the boots on the ground thing still Some of them when they come back do exactly what I advise them not to do

[18:12] Now note that I get the occasional desperate email and phone consult too From people who've been ripped off in business deals by latins by lawyers and by other slick gringos Mostly because being out of their element now and not knowing very much They trust almost everyone including gringos down here Not to mention they seem to trust every latin that has an office in a nice building or a nice car Or shows up for an appointment in a three-piece suit Or get this they seem to put extra trust in anyone who seems to speak decent english Because most gringos who come down here don't know enough spanish to get by So often the first guy that comes around that speaks halfway decent english New expats and gringos sort of cling to as a temporary savior

[19:01] But you know nearly all of these tales of gringo misfortune and sorrow come from gringos who've been forewarned many times And a good 90 percent of those sad tales come from gringos living on the gringo tourist trail And how about this just in the last week? I got no less than a half dozen emails from people up in the states saying johnny i'm really interested in argentina Why don't you please talk a little bit more about that on your shows? Okay, suckers. I'll oblige right now for about a minute or two So we have breaking news just this week from business insider magazine Indexing all 20 latin countries posting the most miserable latin country to live in to the least miserable Now it's no surprise that venezuela comes in first on the miserability list. Wait a minute. Is that a word?

[19:52] Well, you get the point. So then what country you think is number two? argentina And then the next number three is another latin country that I never recommend and never have brazil a country whose infrastructure is in absolute chaos They've run out of water because well They've altered their environment so much with clear cutting of the rainforest that the weather patterns and wind currents have been permanently altered And they've got a thousand other problems So what about number four on the miserable latin country list? And no matter what you've heard about that little country It's no place to be and i've explained why in great detail on past shows Yet I still get emails all the time asking me about urugway

[20:38] Like i'm going to report that somehow the patient's cancer has miraculously disappeared And you know these four previously mentioned countries that top the list have a cancer. It's called Socialism and in fact that article in business insider magazine sums up the list by saying quote Venezuelan argentina number one and two armed with aggressive socialist policies end up the most miserable countries in latin america the lesson to be learned is clear the tactics which Socialist governments like venezuela and argentina employ yield miserable results end of quote Now the article fails to mention what most people in the know feel is the other big problem with these aforementioned countries out of control government corruption aided and abetted

[21:27] And in fact supercharged in on steroids by huge addicting chunks of money given by stupid first world ostensibly do-gooder countries like the us and taiwan and hong kong and japan korea and germany Along with massive billion dollar loans and grants from the imf and the world bank And you know almost all that money ends up as yachts and helicopters and million dollar beach houses for third world political elites Duh, you gotta wonder why they don't mention that in these articles, huh? Oh, and while we're talking about miserable countries business insider magazine also has a list of the most miserable countries in the world Not just latin america number one the most miserable country in the world again venezuela

[22:15] But number two now we're talking about over 200 countries now argentina so all you guys and girls who keep sending me emails about argentina get over it The patient has been pronounced dead Now note the next latin country to show up on that list of 200 countries is brazil Again, I keep warning you about that place, right? Then after brazil the next latin country to show up Belize And I know most of you guys and girls who've been there can verify that so can I? Now one of the big problems with Belize is it's got such a small population under a half million That the infrastructure really is third world not to mention. There's not a single medical school in the whole country So if you have any medical problem, that's at all serious

[23:02] You just might have to leave the country to get an operation or get treated by a specialist. In fact, they don't have a single permanent Oncologist in the whole country. So good luck if you have a degenerative disease in Belize or need any kind of special medical treatment But you knew that right No, you didn't because I still get emails from people saying I want to go to a latin country where they speak english So I guess it's either Belize Costa Rica or Panama because you know those last two countries Panama and Costa Rica have had so many gringos piling in over the years. Thanks to rags like international living Locals have found out that if they speak english too The easier it is to hang and do business with fresh gringos and the easier it is to fleece them, of course

[23:48] And if you think i'm being cynical here, let me tell you a little story You can go on youtube and find all kinds of videos with gringos telling their stories good and bad about Living and doing business etc in latin america Now just recently an avid listener to my show robert. You know who you are. Thanks for that He sent me a link to a youtube page that has nothing but disgruntled gringos Heading back to the states licking their wounds having been burned way too many times down here In particular, I like the story of this one guy who's leaving with his tail between his legs because in this case I'm sure a picture is worth a thousand words in this case a youtube now for those of you old enough to remember He looks like the ultimate grateful dead groupie Like he just stepped out of the wayback machine from 60s

[24:36] Hey, dashberry now for all the times that i've said in this show you that you should never wear a bunch of bling and designer Clothes etc Maybe I failed to say you should never hit the other end of the spectrum either That is come off like a jesus sandal wearing Tied-eyed laurel canyon bound frank zappa clone and believe me so many first world backpackers start and end that way Going the ancient hippie route. You'll never blend in with the locals They won't accept you so you'll have to cling to your own kind Now this particular very long-haired extreme hippie looking guy talks about his couple years in costa rica The costa rica again, right and he talks about how he was ripped off a total of 22 times And in his rant he talks about how he's been ripped off in other latin countries even he says in peru

[25:26] Well off the gringo tourist trail where he said he bought some very cheap land way out in the boonies and tried to build a house And of course, I believe him when he says he got ripped off there by the locals all along the way He says to the tune of about nine grand So what's my take on this guy besides that? He looks like he stepped out of a woodstock time machine and believe me if he bathes as infrequently as I think The locals will surely screw with him besides the fact that he looks like a lost hippie searching for his commune He's got two big problems Number one. He seems to be setting up in all the places that international living says are the new hot spots And you know to me when international living starts talking something up It's the kiss of death those ground floor glory days have long been over and two

[26:13] It sounds like he's getting his advice from gringos who hang at expat bars and such And it seems for all his time down in latin america He still hasn't found an honest dependable latin lawyer Which as i've said before is a very difficult thing and a crap shoot unless you get lucky or come down to one of my expat Wisdom seminars if I have any more that is because if you come down One of my firm promises is to introduce you to and hook you up with a good dependable honest latin lawyer And believe me lawyers like that are not an easy commodity to find Oh, and by the way as far as another expat wisdom seminar I've been getting some inquiries lately on if and when i'm giving another one I just want to let you know that before I make any plans

[26:58] I need you guys and gals who are interested to send me an email at the expat files at gmail.com Or johnny at expat wisdom.com just to gauge the interest and get a possible head count. I was thinking maybe june or july 2015 Depending on the response. So do send me an email if you're interested And if not, well, then you could just hunker on down and when the next round of shit hits the fan up there Don't forget it was richard martin and gary nal and gerald salenthe and me and all those other alternative media guys Who told you so? You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com

[27:46] And don't forget to check out expat wisdom.com to sign up for your free reports on latin america See you next time nos vemos Ah