#498 – The Expat Files: Latin America, Seminars, and Life with Kids

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Okay, before we get started today. I like to talk about my next Latin American seminar Yep been receiving quite a few emails from people asking when and if I'm gonna do one and if so how to get in on The early bird discount people want the info and the details and all that now the good news is I'm setting another one up right now

[00:48] It'll be in Central America off the gringo tourist trail, of course, which means very cheap flights for everyone In fact the last one we did a couple months ago in Guatemala some of the attendees reported they got their fares for around 500 bucks round trip and one person reported getting his for 470 now note if I was to do a Latin American seminar in a place like Columbia or Ecuador the airfarers would be well over a grand with two three maybe even four layovers So you'll blow a whole day at the front and the back end of the trip for sure Maybe more which is one of the reasons I like to do seminars in Central America Not only do you get off cheaper and have a lot less jet and airport fatigue The fact is I have some really terrific contacts in Latin America

[01:36] So when we do our boots on the ground part you get to see and experience things and meet people successful longtime expats etc people you'd never have a chance to meet on your own because as you know when you come down to Latin America by yourself or even on a tour group 99% of the time you'll be treading the well-worn gringo trail and you'll be just another gringo tourist But that won't happen with my seminars. That's for sure So anyway to get on that early bird discount list just send me an email the expat files at Gmail calm and put Latin seminar in the subject box and I'll get right back to you and for you listeners who've been putting off coming to my seminars You know who you are you keep writing me messages all the time saying I'm coming to the next one I'm coming to the next one. Just can't swing it right now. Jimmy's still in school or can't get the time off

[02:26] Whatever. Well when people ask me how long I'm gonna continue to do these seminars. Well, so far I've only been doing two of them a year one in the summertime and one in January But as most listeners know with any one or more of those critical tipping points ready to blow Bringing that whole first world house of cards down That would mean shortly up in your neck of the woods in the first world things will shift and rapidly fall apart They're starting to already But you already know that if you've been listening to my show and a lot of the other alternative media programs That said when the signs get ominous that the walls will be tumbling down There will be no seminars. You can bet on it because for one uncle Sam will try to keep the cows in the barn So it'll be very difficult to leave the country Which is what so many people in the know are predicting

[03:12] So you got to have that plan B and you got to get it now. Do you have yours? Well, if not, come on down to my next Latin American boots on the ground seminar You've got time to get your ducks lined up. It's a little over three months away Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com all one word and I'll put you on the list to get that early bird discount and yes as usual there will be a Number of payment options and a big discount if you sign up before November 1st So again, shoot me an email the expat files at gmail.com and you'll get all the info Oh, and by the way for all your listeners out there who've been getting my show the expat files living in Latin America Not from PRN FM which is the big site out of New York, by the way

[03:57] you can always get it there, you know and you could get it at stitcher and iTunes and Podbean.com too and a lot of other places though Most people get it from progressive radio network.com or you can just put in PRN.FM and the site will come up So if you're on PRN's main page click on the archive link and you'll get my shows and by the way Don't confuse PRN with NPR That's irrational public radio or I'll be forced to punch you in the face or vomit in your shoes your choice Of course until now you're always able to get the expat file shows at expat wisdom.com, too However, if you go to the expat wisdom.com site right now, you'll see it no longer exists That's because I haven't got time to post things there anymore

[04:45] I've been concentrating instead on my flagonomics and flag wisdom programs Which you may or may not have heard about and some more secret projects I'll be filling all of you in on that in due time. Don't worry Anyway, of course, I'll keep you posted with the website changes and the flag wisdom and flagonomics program Just hang in there and be patient and as for now the expat wisdom site will only be available to the gold membership people You know who you are You'll be receiving a special code to get in and we will be sending out that info to all you guys and girls So hang in there. It's coming now in the end for those of you who have websites You know websites are supposed to do two things inform people and sell things And I'm not big on selling other people's products And I can't tell you how many emails I get from people trying to get me to endorse their stuff for a piece of the action

[05:35] But you know what if I don't really love a product and use it myself I'll never endorse it it boils down to the fact that I do inform people through a lot of media outlets In fact all told with my show the expat files living in Latin America through all the media outlets I've been informed my show has been downloaded a couple of million times already Now if I just could have got 99 cents a download like they charge for music on iTunes Or even a half a penny of download I could buy a couple of Tesla's and drive into the sunset So why a couple of Tesla's because in the first 10 minutes I'd probably destroy the first one in a gigantic pothole or hitting one of those two melons after all this is Latin America So yes There have been a couple of million downloads and the vast majority of those downloads did not come through the expat wisdom website

[06:24] And really the only good reason for that website in the first place was for me to post my seminars twice a year And a couple of other little announcements projects and reports here and there Which in the end took up way more of my time than I'm willing to give up so it's best to leave the content to the content guys and the marketing to the marketing guys as Kenny Rogers and his look-alikes have been known to say you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them So time to pull the plug on that one enough said about that Anyway, let's finish off that email I was reading on the last show from a very upbeat guy named mark who's planning on bringing his wife and his family down to Latin America to live if you remember the theme it was all about the do's and don'ts and Positives and negatives of bringing young kids down here to Latin America with you

[07:12] Let me refresh this thing by repeating his question He said Johnny as I mentioned I'm planning to get down to Latin America within the next 18 months Preferably Nicaragua with my wife and four young kids Now I've heard you recommend against bringing kids down there But one of the main reasons you mentioned was so they didn't hang out with those spoiled helicopter school rich kids We homeschool our own kids and will probably continue to do so down there So I don't see that as a concern for us if we do choose Nicaragua for example I know people are very Welcoming of children there and my kids will learn Spanish and it would be an experience of a lifetime for them It seems to me there are lots of benefits to bringing kids down both My wife and I have experienced living in third world countries ourselves and speak pretty decent Spanish So I think we're up for the challenge. Are there any other reasons you might advise against lugging kids down there?

[08:04] Also, my son the oldest child would be about nine So if for some reason we found ourselves staying in Nicaragua into his teen years Should I be concerned with what might happen with a teenage gringo among a bunch of third world teenage latinas? Because that will be another concern. Okay mark I think I can fill you in with a few tips on that So first let me start with another real story from the trenches this time from a friend of mine a gringo who's been down Here 12 or 13 years working at a helicopter school Like I said before easy job to get teach in English or any subject in English at one of those high-end helicopter schools You don't need any experience at all except for the fact you might need to bring a college diploma down for the interview Many English teacher ads state you should attach that with your resume and like one gringo backpacker told me

[08:54] He winked and he said you know Johnny if you're shy first world college credits You could Photoshop just about anything you like and they'll accept it Turns out most of the office personnel even at the helicopter schools Don't speak much English and aren't gonna check up on you now I'm not advising you to do that, but gringos especially backpackers do it and get away with it all the time No, big deal after all down here. Anyway resume padding is a national pastime Then again, it is up in the States to isn't it now. I'm not picking on backpackers here It's just that they're usually the creative type and let's face it down here It's the land of the liars if a Latin top-running presidential candidate can fake his Doctoral thesis and get away with it. It's the media headline for days and nobody cares in the end

[09:41] He still nearly wins the election So then what does it matter if a clever hard-up gringo backpacker wants to photoshop a few items himself? Who cares maybe he can photoshop a few more ID documents and run for Congress and you'd think with the internet They'd check but they don't especially if the documents are in English And by the way, as I mentioned in a past show that goes for health insurance documents, too When like an all insurance form documents, they ask you to put down your previous doctors the ones that attended you for whatever problem And they ask you to list the various surgeries and problems that you might have had in the past You know pre-existing conditions. The fact is gringos are so well trained and Seemingly honest or I should say honestly afraid they'll get caught in a lie of omission

[10:31] So they put down every detail on those forms Usually because if you pull a stunt like that in the states and get found out it could follow you around the rest of Your life. Anyway down here in Latin America They'll ask those same questions to when signing up for health insurance and it will be in Spanish Of course and a certain percentage of gringos will be brutally honest on those forms as gringos tend to be Whereas other gringos who've been down here a while and know better conveniently forget certain Operations and problems they had in the states so they never do get written on the form and really who cares I mean, let's face it unless you have a long deep zipper scar from some previous operation or stents or prosthetic devices That could show up on radiographs. It's true. Some gringos then do leave out a lot of pre-existing conditions

[11:20] Anyway, almost all insurance companies after six months or a year do cover pre-existing conditions. Anyway, at least down here, but where was I? Oh, yeah, one of my ex backpacking gringle friends who's now an English teacher at a helicopter school He told me this story just about two weeks ago. He said, you know, Johnny It's getting harder and harder to get up every morning and go to school to teach these kids He said, you know I have two really good friends and my sister who are public school teachers up in the states and they burnt out a long time ago and I remember he said ten years or so ago when I'd send back letters and emails to them telling them how great it is down Here teaching at one of these private schools Urging them to quit up north and come down if they could and they'd see what a really fulfilling teacher's job is like now

[12:08] Of course, none of them ever came down He said for all their complaints They wouldn't think of screwing up that tenure and that pension even though like he said they hated their jobs And in fact, his own sister had taken to drink He said every night after school as soon as she got home She'd belt down two or three high balls of absolute vodka and that was back then She's a lot worse now. He says and get this she was a public high school art teacher How tough could that be now ten or twelve years later? My gringo teacher buddies says Unfortunately, the lag time effect has kicked in down here, too He's now feeling what his teacher friends and sister were feeling way back when yep He's thoroughly discouraged only he hasn't taken to pounding down glasses of vodka yet At least I don't think so but back to the story

[12:55] He said you know what Johnny the other day there was a 13 year old girl in my class sitting in the second row And she just couldn't keep her head up or her eyes open She was obviously nodding off and waking up and nodding off and waking up thoroughly distracting He said and the other kids were snickering about it, too In fact, he said I thought she was on downers or pot or something till he finally walked over and said Sarah Why are you falling asleep? Am I vet boring and this is what she said with a totally straight face. She said Oh Mr. Carroll's I'm so tired. You don't know I was up all night texting. I must have sent 200 messages God, I'm sorry. Mr. Carroll's but you don't know texting is so exhausting

[13:40] Then my gringo teacher friend said to me the good news if you want to call it that is that she answered me in perfect California teenage slang some progress, huh? So bottom line mark since the vast majority of gringos who bring their kids down here do not Homeschool them like you say you're gonna do those are the kind of kids they're gonna be thrown in with those are gonna be their Friends and midnight texting companions Oh and now to mention another very negative thing about bringing young kids down here Latin America Is the fact that almost all first-world parents in that situation will have a full-time maid or nanny? Most of them by the way with a live-in maid 24 7 now. I know what you're thinking What in the world could be negative about that talk about every first world moms fantasy to have a personal nanny?

[14:31] 24 7 well, here's the problem. No matter how much you say you're gonna be really involved in the child upbringing and child care Little by little you'll let her take on almost all that responsibility I see it all the time and that results in your kids bonding Sometimes more to your maid or nanny than they do to you. I'm talking about you gringo moms here so as it turns out many times it seems as if there are two moms in the family the real mom and The maid cleaning lady or nanny and by the way down here. They call a nanny a Ninera and I'll tell you at first most gringos who come down with children do not instantly hire one But after some months go by and you start cultivating adult friends gringo or latin who have families themselves

[15:22] With full-time maids and nannies your new friends will wonder and question you as to why you don't have one and soon enough You'll notice your friends houses are much cleaner and more orderly than yours is and when you see how much free time your new friends Have you'll soon sing a different tune And if you're coming from the states with a couple kids you'll recall that up there Your house was always a mess and the work was never done because you couldn't afford a live-in maid I mean, I don't know anybody who could have anyway And suddenly down here people are saying what's wrong with you? Why don't you have a ninera? Well, I'll tell you at first even if you're against such things and you swear you'll never do it. Eventually people cave in now Admittedly most gringos and expats do not resist hiring a maid or a nanny, especially the guy the daddy

[16:11] he says yeah by all means let's get one because he doesn't want to live in a continuous mess all the time and Generally when you do find a gringo mom that is staunchly against it She'll say stuff like I'm not gonna have someone I don't know. Take care of my kids In fact more than one gringo mom has said Johnny. You know what? I want to enjoy my kids They're only young once and I want to be there Well, you know how long that lasted about six months next time I saw him They had a living nanny and both of these families had two kids And now you can walk into their house any time just pop in in the house is impeccable And I'll tell you up in the states I never saw that my friends who had a couple of kids their houses were always a wreck and The only time they ever looked nice was when there was a scheduled event or a party Yep, they'd knock themselves out for a couple of days get in the place in order for the event

[16:59] No, that doesn't sound familiar, right? Now that said I really do wish that my parents would have moved to Latin America when I was a little toddler For so many reasons not the least of which is the gringo advantage Secondly, if I would have come down as a kid in no time Even a language dunce like me would have perfect Spanish then again There are those negatives that you'll have to deal with now unless you homeschool your kids, which is a rarity down here 98% of gringo kids end up in those helicopter private schools thrown in with all those spoiled rich kid princes and princesses For example, you might remember the story I told about the pretentious rich kid who a gringo teacher friend of mine tried to fail The backlash was at the next parent teacher conference

[17:47] The kids rich and powerful jackass parents tried to have my friend fired Now with all their money their name and their power They could have succeeded except for the fact that he'd been teacher of the year at that school for many years running So he had a pretty good following amongst the other pretentious parents in that school who weren't gonna let that happen Though if he'd have been just your regular old gringo English teacher on a one-year contract They would have poop canned him, but then again, like he said if he'd have been fire There are always dozens of other English teacher jobs available at short notice However, if you're on the gringo tourist trail like in Costa Rica or Panama things are a bit tough in that respect because well Every carefree backpack and gringo tourists would love to have a teaching job like that

[18:34] And like I always say what you really don't want is other gringo competition I'll take Latin competition all day long, but gringo competition. No way but back to the point There are just so many overwhelming advantages to bringing kids down here to Latin America and either homeschool them Which is the best or send them to one of the private helicopter schools Which by the way range from around two hundred to maybe four hundred dollars a month Many of them easily on par with private schools up in the states that could cost ten times as much In fact, I know a couple of gringo teachers who've taught both up in the states in private schools and down here And they say the same thing and one of the big advantages that people don't much talk about is the fact that Your kids will be going to school in class and be making friends with some of the highest

[19:21] Powered most influential people in the Latin country that you're in that means a huge economic and social leg up for any Average Milwaukee or Cleveland kid down here off the gringo tourist trail your kids will be anything but average They'll be in school and friends with the kids of the mega rich and industry captains in Latin America Kids whose moms and dads own beer companies and coffee and sugar plantations Not to mention your kids will be rubbing elbows with kids of ambassadors and diplomats too Along with the kids of those disgusting malignant Sociopathic political scumbags I'm always on about two and these kids like I said can do no wrong in the eyes of their parents their little princes and princesses Obviously your kids can pick up some pretty bad habits

[20:08] Remember these kids were born with silver spoons in their mouths and live in a completely protected Classist and racist bubble now. I know I know people say it all depends and how you bring them up at home That's gonna make all the difference. Okay, then let me ask you this what happens when your kids 14 and has a 15 year old rich kid buddy who occasionally takes the keys to his dad's SUV or Maserati and blasts around at night with a 12 pack of beer in the front seat That's a true story and believe it or not Some of these kids parents are so powerful when the kid gets pulled over by the cops and pulls out his ID He doesn't have a driver's license Of course when the kid informs the cop who his dad is or the cop recognizes the name on the license

[20:55] He doesn't even give the kid an escort home Lest he incur the wrath of the powerful old man and his connections So the kid gets a warning and the cop lets him drive on 12 pack and all and I know a lot of you listeners up there had very good upbringings nice parents You worked your way through college and weren't spoiled even though most likely that's what you've done with your own kids However, if you had a spoiled rotten rich kid friend like that and he pulled up to your door one night in his Maserati And you were 14 or 15 yourself. Would you say no? Partying with you and your dad's Maserati is against my better judgment Yeah, right when I was 14 or 15, I couldn't even spell better judgment So you might say yeah, I'll bring my kids up to high ethical standards and all that crap

[21:40] But when the cats away and speaking of when the cats away Mark says in his email. He's worried about his nine-year-old son and all those little young Latin girls Well, let me tell you there are countless young very well brought up very conservative young Latina girls But you're not gonna find him at the helicopter schools. Well, I take that back Sure, there'll be a tiny percentage of a very well-rounded well brought up young girls at those helicopter schools But don't count on it According to my teacher friends the greater percentage of young teenage Latin girls at those schools are a bit wild and crazy They're nuts about Facebook Twitter and all the social sites and worse though in a protective bubble with bodyguards and such They're still mostly unsupervised

[22:25] They learn quick how to manipulate and boss around the bodyguards the maids and the nannies So what kind of Latin girls do you want your boys to hang around with? middle-class neighborhood Latin girls who go to the public school on the chicken bus or are they gonna hang with the unsupervised spoiled wealthy kid crowd Even if you homeschool your kids will be hanging with someone Who's it gonna be and of course remember where you're gonna live makes a big difference, too You'll probably be living in an upscale guarded community and your neighborhood will be filled with upscale kids like that Plus, you know all kids especially gringle kids will be involved in outside activities like tennis basketball swimming karate Music whatever and that'll be where they make their friends Of course and what kind of kids do you think are gonna be in those groups rich kids whose parents are obsessed with everything gringo?

[23:17] Who just live for those seasonal shopping trips to my jammy now? If you think that little story about the underage unlicensed rich kid driver was a one-off rarity Get this one of my English teacher gringo friends Who's well liked by a lot of the kids he says and he must be because he says every so often on a weekend He'll be out doing his gardening. Whatever. That's his hobby By the way, he can't afford a maid or a gardener on his $500 a month salary. Isn't that funny? Anyway, he says quite a few times on a Saturday or Sunday His kids will show up in a brand new SUV or a shiny late model car Just cruising around on a Sunday afternoon Stopping by to say hi to shoot the poop with the gringo teach one time

[24:03] He said the underaged unlicensed driver the car along with three young kids in the back seat Pulled up in front of his house followed by a brand new pickup with four bodyguards in it How do you like that and when my gringle friend asked if the bodyguards were gonna tattle back to mom and dad You know driving without a license and all not to mention Stealing dad's car then the kids chuckled and said who them Everything's fine. They're doing their jobs. They're watching us So as you can see the children of the rich down here in Latin America, not only live in a bubble They live under a different set of rules from the rest of us Meaning you're gonna really have to be on your guard if you bring your kids down here to live too And even if you're one of those enlightened parents that says I'm not gonna let my kid watch more than one hour of TV a night

[24:52] I'll make him switch off his smartphone at 9 and make sure he actually reads books Good luck with that In fact, I only know one gringle family down here with kids that was able to pull that off and even he and his wife Don't know how well it's working because well Turns out one of their daughter's best friends is pregnant now and she's only 17 and the parents Well, they sent her guess where two relatives in my jammy Oh and remember for better or for worse Especially if you're off the gringo tourist trail your young son or daughter will be so popular with the young girls and guys Get ready for that deluge of Invitations to parties and other events when by the way, I've been asked about the drinking laws down here in Latin America Well strangely enough in the party districts of the big cities and tourist areas

[25:40] There are those midnight police that come around and check IDs strictly as a revenue gathering measure So occasionally in those party districts where the restaurants and discos are bar owners will be fined heavily That said the bouncers at the door can be pretty strict about having an ID However in grocery and liquor stores, I've never seen anyone being asked for an ID even pint-sized puke e Latin Justin Bieber types and finally to get in my quota of digressions, which I may not have achieved so far Just to mention that in the last year and a half Latin America has become the land of t-shirts and sweatshirts with English lettering on them Yes, even in high-end malls with the diesel stores and the Tommy Hilfiger and the Stradivarius and forever 21

[26:26] They're selling t-shirts and jackets and sweaters and sweatshirts with English sayings on them that Latin's just don't get or understand It's all about the gringo advantage and the coolness factor of having something in English. How about this one? I took a picture of it now short at my next seminar. It says if I say i'm gonna call Don't take me seriously. I'm just being polite Now a guy was wearing that t-shirt sitting right next to me in the bank and there you're so elbow to a hole with everyone Sometimes someone's so in your face. You can't help having a conversation with them Where's yet you can't help noticing they don't know what dental floss or mouthwash is either By the way, there were probably 50 people in the bank and only one gringo me

[27:13] Anyway, he obviously wanted to break the ice and I didn't really want to but I said nice shirt And then he said you like it, huh? Well, why don't you tell me what it means? I tried to explain it in spanish and he smiled but he never did get it. It was lost in translation a cultural thing South of the border You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com And if you want me to help you sort out your own latin american plans schedule a one-on-one consult with me Just send an email and let me know at the expat files at gmail.com. No, it's famous