#500 – The Expat Files Episode 500: 500 Episodes, 500 Lessons, and 500 Stories

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Okay first just a little late-breaking news about my January Latin American insiders seminar I spoke about it quite a bit in the last show, so I'm not gonna drone on about it much anymore I just want to advise you this might be one of your last chances to really get your boots on the ground

[00:48] Get a huge head start on becoming an expat in Latin America Most people say it's a two to five year head start on that process But you know that already anyway, if you're interested, I have the link for the web page Just send me an email at the expat files at gmail.com And I'll send you a link and you'll get all the information and the sign-up details Oh and one last thing if you sign up before November 1st, you get a five hundred dollar discount So do take advantage of that. Oh and one last thing for those emails that have been trickling in from alumnus of Previous seminars that I've given and I've given already eight seminars And of course, you know, I have repeat offenders at every seminar, you know people who want to take it twice three times I've even had people take the seminar four separate times you imagine that and

[01:36] You know because I've got a lot of seminar alumni now and they certainly can step to the front of the line From now on here's the policy for former attendees who want to become repeat offenders You'll immediately get a thousand dollar discount off the price And for those two repeat offenders who've come to their third fourth and even fifth seminars I'll do even better than that because by then surely we're all really good friends and friends always have their privileges, right? So just figured it was time to mention that and set up a firm policy because emails do trickle in from previous attendees And not to drag this out any longer than I have to but I want to clarify that there are six hotel nights and seven days included in the price So to get the full details

[02:21] Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com and I'll send you the seminar in full page link That's all you'll need now. I've said about that now today happens to be a red-letter day Whatever a red-letter day is. I don't know what that is, but that's what they call these things. It's my 500th show Yes, the expat files living in Latin America lives on forever in the ether till the government goons or Russian hackers Take the net down. That is anyway. There's a another little known fact that goes along with my show I was informed just recently by statistics buffs people who check these things out I was the very first person in the whole world to have a continuous weekly International show covering the theme of expats in Latin America to which most of the world will say big deal, huh?

[03:11] Now back then five or six years ago. There were a lot of shows Broadcasting one-off programs about a particular Latin topic But not a continuous weekly broadcast all about Latin America And now of course there's all kinds of people trying their hand at it a lot of them idiots Who never set a single foot off the gringo tourist trail, but you know you have to weed that stuff out for yourself Now over the years I've been asked to do more than two shows a week And I've been asked to do our long shows too But to my way of thinking I think a half-hour show twice a week's about all the traffic can bear You see I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes for a minute I mean you're the ones that have to listen right in that regard since I've got 500 shows now in the can So to speak I've been getting emails from people asking me when I'm gonna compile all those shows together and get them all out

[04:02] In one package well, you know I'd be willing to do that, but think about it. That would be slightly less than 250 hours of me blathering on and of course we're talking about keywords and topic lists and reference points For example if you want to hone in on certain points like crime in Colombia the old vomit care effect on expats Premium coffee enemas or Latin fortune cookie tampons You know there really is such a thing of course That means someone would have to either sit down and listen to all those shows or have some kind of computer program pick out the keywords Then and only then would a project like that be feasible then we could package the thing and sell it for a nominal fee and You know a couple of listeners have come forward offering to do that Oh, they had high hopes and so did I and they got off to a flying start

[04:51] But after a while it just kind of petered off way too much work I guess and I understand that still I think there's got to be a way to Automate the keyword and key phrase finding portion of that so anyway if any of you guys and gals out there Want to take a crack at it. Maybe you have a better idea on how to capture the keywords and the topics, etc I'd be glad to partner up with you, but remember you got to do that work. Not me I've already done my part But know this over the years I've gotten so many emails from people asking if they could buy such a compilation if the project ever Did get done. It certainly wouldn't be for nothing. So I'm just throwing that out there now I know some of you various student listeners out there might be thinking wait a minute Johnny's in the land of cheap labor Why doesn't he just hire some Latin person who's bilingual?

[05:38] He could probably get someone to do it for two or three bucks an hour That person could sit down and physically listen to all those shows and pull out the key phrases and words Cross-link them to a nice searchable index. Well, that sounds great But the problem is you see nearly all Latin bilingual people Learned English formally as a second language and don't really have a good handle on how to wait phrases and terms that May or may not be important now suppose for example, I was qualifying a phrase by saying is the Pope Catholic Well, guess what suddenly my bilingual Latin English speaker would have two new keywords to search Pope and Catholic But it wouldn't make much sense to link those two words to a search you get the idea It kind of takes a real gringo to pull that kind of thing off

[06:24] Fact is I did try out a few Latin English speakers and they were not able to categorize the topics properly So if you've been wondering if my 500 show compilation package is available The answer is no, but it could be so if you're interested in taking a crack at it Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com and now a little practical information You might remember a year or so ago. I was speaking about Hotel safes, are they secure and I said back then to a degree they are and I use them sometimes myself However, recently I caught a YouTube video Showing how you could break into one of those saves with some very simple tools five different ways Yep, those electronic safes can be hacked and cracked and we're not even talking about if someone at the front desk or a maintenance guy

[07:16] Has the code or some kind of passkey? So go ahead just go to YouTube and put in the search box Hotel room safe hack see for yourself. There's at least five ways to do it now Even a year ago when I mentioned I use those safes every so often myself you have to keep in mind I'm talking about Latin America Not the first world where people are much more educated and savvy about such things as hacks that means in the first world I'd never use such a safe for anything really valuable though I would use one as a decoy which I'll explain in a minute now You have to remember we're down here in the third world Latin America where the average person doesn't even know how to get on YouTube and if he did 90% of those YouTube videos are in English and 99% of the ones in Spanish are music videos. So yes, those hotel safes can be hacked and easily

[08:08] But as with everything Latin America, especially off the gringo tourist trail, there's a huge lag time effect So then what should you do to play it safe? I wouldn't put anything valuable in the safe not if it's a seedy looking hotel Anyway, in fact what I've been doing lately and I'm the over cautious type is to put some kind of inexpensive decoy in any room Where I find a hotel safe So if someone there does know the tricks they'll get some cheap cigars or some worthless souvenirs and tourist pamphlets Then realizing falsely of course that I was traveling light on valuables and cash They'd move on to the next clueless gringos room thinking the jackpot was elsewhere And you do know of course the hotel staff does size you up based on what you're driving what you wear and what your luggage

[08:54] Looks like so then where do you put your valuables? If you can't conceal them on your body and you have to go out of the hotel room, that is well glad you asked There's a little book that I bought a long time ago. It's called Quite descriptively the big book of secret hiding places by Jack Lugar Look it up. You probably can get it off the internet somewhere Maybe even for free or maybe there aren't any copies anymore and I have one of the last paper ones could be Anyway, this book has served me well for many years just know that in your hotel room, there are dozens and dozens of places to hide your valuables and All you really need to make good use of those hiding places is your common Swiss army knife or equivalent

[09:40] But let me warn you never buy a pirated Swiss army knife made in China They sell them on the street here in Latin America to very cheaply I understand real Swiss army knives are now made in China to or at least the parts come from China Talk about false advertising. So anyway, you can rig a number of great hiding places in your hotel room You can make all the preparations in three to five minutes. So what are my favorite hotel room hiding places number one Speaking of air conditioners, especially the wall-mounted ones There's always a plate on the side or the back of one of those it usually pops right off or has no more than four screws So you take that plate off stick your passport your money Whatever in there put that plate back on and there'll be about a one a million chance that anyone's gonna walk in your room

[10:28] And pop that vent off and look for things Now my favorite place for stashing valuable small things like wads of cash or rings or Julie though I don't know why you'd be traveling with anything but junk jewelry myself Ladies if you plan on bringing down any jewelry at all bring the stuff you wouldn't cry over if it went missing Anyway, electric outlet plates are great for hiding the small stuff Just one screw generally or some don't even have screws. They're just plastic snap-on plates You know what I'm talking about. So when you pop off that plate There's always room on either side of the electrical outlet to stash money. Whatever. I know I know you're saying But Johnny if I stick my hand in there, I'll get electrocuted. Well, here's a tip Don't put anything metallic in that space and do like so many smart expats do

[11:14] Pack a very lightweight set of cotton gloves, you know Simple gardeners gloves you see at the hardware store for two bucks a pair You just won't believe how those things come in handy when you're traveling ask Michael Jackson Want another great little place to hide things in your hotel room. Every ceiling lamp has a metallic plate It's suspended from and there's usually two screws there Generally you unscrew them and the plate will drop but the lamp won't it's just there for looks covering the electrical box hole And you'll see there's plenty of space often enough to get a passport or two into and sometimes in dropped ceilings There's a terrific amount of space now Remember when it comes to hotel rooms and hotel bathrooms anywhere There's a vent if it's got a couple of screws in it

[12:00] You can take that off and hide things in there, too Oh, and by the way another very very handy thing to take with you anywhere you go on a trip is a small roll of packing Tape or duct tape now that always comes in handy for me when I'm in Latin American airports You wrap that tape seven or eight times around your suitcase that not only discourages airport luggage handler No goodness from opening your stuff and possibly stealing what they can It's great for spotting your luggage on the conveyor belt, too Not to mention when you first grab it off the carousel if that tape's been mangled or cut in any way Someone's been messing with you. You better have a look inside now Naturally, you should never stow anything very valuable in your luggage because well It'll be out of your sight for many hours and in the hands of airport people that you really shouldn't trust

[12:49] I'm sure you've all seen those hidden camera and 60-minute exposés on luggage handlers, haven't you? Anyway, as far as those electronic hotel room safes whether you want to use them It's up to you, but I wouldn't do it up in the first world and in the third world Well, the rule of thumb is this if you're on the gringo tours trail I wouldn't do it in places like Panama Costa Rica Playa del Carmen Rio Acapulco Cancun is Stapa The locals know every gringo scamming trick in the book However off the gringo tourist trail the maintenance workers and the cleaning staff, etc Are lucky to have a sixth grade education very unsophisticated But still the more stars your hotel has or says they have the fewer the incidents of pilfering Why because these days even in Latin America hotels aren't putting in cameras and security systems and

[13:38] Threatening their employees with polygraph tests. So once again as for those hotel safes It's buyer beware your call that said here is something I think you'll get a kick out of now Note that all throughout Latin America on practically every third or fourth corner You'll see some guys selling pirated CDs. Most are on foot with two or three backpacks They'll try to flag you down by waving a handful of CDs Or they'll come up to your car when you're at a stoplight and tap on your window Which by the way, a lot of us gringos absolutely hate especially fresh new gringos They're thinking get your stinking paws off my car, bud, but they won't and you'll get used to it Kinda and like the local shoe repair guy or the druggist

[14:24] You'll get to know your happy smiling CD pirate guy And he'll get to know you and you'll be able to exchange Defective discs and just you don't like when you come back around the next time yep, even CD pirates have money back guarantees and like Expedity says you should try a few different CD pirates to see who's got the best quality items Then Eddie says stick with them like you would a good bookie Now if you're a gringo or your Spanish sucks The pirate will certainly lie to you to get you to buy a few CDs Like for example, if you ask if it's in English the answer will almost always be Si señor and if you're light-skinned and fair haired Si conché Now the truth is oftentimes I'll get a CD home and the video will be perfectly fine

[15:11] But the audio dubbed in Spanish not in the original English at all totally unacceptable Though oftentimes these pirated CDs will have English lettered subtitles that are pretty messed up So I'd say about 70 to 80 percent of the CDs you buy from these guys actually are in the original English form And you can switch it back and forth from English to dubbed Spanish Which means one out of four or five CDs will be completely unacceptable So you either bring them back to your CD pirate guy for a trade or you give it to the maintenance guy or cleaning lady And by the way, almost all gringo expats I know end up giving all their CDs away to the cleaning lady and maintenance guys. Anyway Yep, people who make two to three hundred bucks a month in Latin America still have CD players

[15:59] They don't have a washing machine or indoor plumbing but a CD player. Yes priorities priorities, huh? So for example, if I do get a fast and a furious or mission impossible or Star Trek video Then there's no problem. I should be able to understand it in Spanish, right? Wrong as it turns out and you'll figure this out for yourself if you learn Spanish It's a terribly frustrating experience watching a first world movie dubbed into Spanish As long-term expense just can't stomach watching George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Ben Kingsley Squeaking out words in Spanish in a totally different voice I mean, come on a huge part of an actress performance is how he uses his voice, right? Worse yet, there's that obvious problem of the lips not being synced to the words

[16:46] So it turns out me and all long-term expats who speak decent Spanish No way can we sit down to watch a first world video without wanting to Oh vomit and like I said It's a flip of the coin whether that's gonna happen to you if you buy one of those pirated videos on the streets Yeah, really never know till you get it home However, there is some relief at hand here If you go to one of those big crazy chaotic markets There's always a bunch of pirated CD guys with little booths little kiosks and almost always don't have a CD player on hand So when you sort through your CDs, just shove it in and you'll see and hear exactly what you're getting When by the way the going rate when you're off the gringo tourist rail is about a buck a pirated CD However, anytime you buy anything on the street, it's a barter's game. So they'll often start at twice the price

[17:38] And of course, they give volume discounts too. So get ready to play that game However on the gringo tourist rail you're looking at two to two and a half bucks a pirated CD and they probably won't budge Now I know what some of you are thinking Intellectual property rights violations Johnny, you're giving us tacit permission to buy pirated CDs and that's totally against our principles Well, the fact is unless you live in a very upscale neighborhood or subscribe to Netflix The only choice you're gonna have in Latin America are pirated videos now like I said in high-end neighborhoods, you'll find a few video stores here and there and You'll pay a buck or two to rent for a few days Which is why about 98% of the Latin public buys pirated CDs instead because they can own them for a buck

[18:28] So practically speaking you could go from neighborhood to neighborhood to neighborhood and never find a real video store Renting or selling legit videos that is oh, by the way When you're going into a little mom-and-pop tiendas, you know Kind of tiny 7-elevens convenience stores are everywhere on every corner to nearly all these little businesses Including dry cleaning businesses bakeries hardware stores when you go up to pay at the counter They'll also have a nice big box or a basket full of pirated CDs. You can buy on the way out, you know Impulse buys so note that when down in Latin America if you like to watch first world videos and DVDs If you want to remain the anal straight arrow type in that regard No problem Then you could pay six to eight bucks a month extra on your cable TV bill and get the movie channels

[19:17] Yes, they'll be running the same kind of current movies that you see up in the first world You know, they're usually about six months behind the theaters, right? But I'll tell you these pirate guys They often get these first run first world movies a couple of weeks to a month before they even end up in the theaters In the States how they do that. Well Russian hackers again I guess and really that's no joke because often when you buy a pirated DVD, you'll see embedded Korean Japanese or Russian Subtitles annoying at first, but you soon get over it sometimes So then you might ask how many fresh gringos and gringo expats do I know who totally shunned those pirate CD dealers? For the sake of ethics and pure principle. Well, let me think Would you believe none? So bottom line am I endorsing the gray market pirate world?

[20:08] Well, I have asked myself that question, but I don't lose any sleep over it Okay, now here's a topic everyone's interested in how much do you need to live in Latin America in past shows? I've mentioned all it takes is your average social security check, which is like fourteen hundred dollars a month now I guess but of course we're talking off the gringo tourist trail that answer doesn't really seem to satisfy too many people Which is why frequently I get emails from people saying Johnny. I've got three hundred fifty thousand dollars in the bank I'm getting a thirty eight thousand dollar a year pension You think that's really enough to live a nice stress-free life in certain parts of Latin America? And when I get emails like that, I'm thinking he's just not paying attention With that kind of money in Latin America, you're way upper middle class and you can live anywhere

[20:55] In fact, you'll probably be the king of your neighborhood. It's always about how much money do you need and everybody's got different needs Now some people maybe most people always want more money It's just for different reasons. Some want to show off That would be ninety nine point nine percent of Latins and pretty much everyone in California and on and on others Just like to accumulate things they buy junk all kinds of junk good and bad until there's no more room in their house Attic basement and garage for it others like me and so many other expats who've jumped off that treadmill a long time ago We just want to have enough money so we don't need to have a boss In other words, we don't have to punch a time clock or suck up to anyone

[21:40] We're our own boss really and I wonder how many of you listeners could walk up to your boss right now and say screw you I don't need your crap. I'm quitting. Well, let's just say you're in that spot and you're just so fed up How much money would you need to come down to Latin America and start things up here? Well, like I said so many times before I have lots and lots of expat friends However, I'd say if you're a single person and young between 20 and 35 Let's say you need to have kind of a safety margin of about $10,000 minimum. Why do I pick that number? Well, I think you could live pretty good down here off the gringo tourist trail for about a year on 10 grand

[22:27] And if you haven't found some way to make money for yourself again being your own boss so you can actually enjoy your job for Once maybe it's by yourself or hooking up with another gringo or Latin person internet business Whatever and you know, you've got the indigenous people down here making all kinds of cool little items for import export And then there's coffee and mining solar rainforest hardwoods a million different things If after you've been down here a year and you're really looking to make some money and you haven't yet I'd say you just weren't keeping your eyes open or had a Unusually bad streak of luck because that stuff rarely happens and even if you're a really laid-back unmotivated type You could always get a job teaching English at one of those helicopter schools or at a call center Even bartending an upscale business and hotel district expat bartenders are in great demand down here

[23:15] Especially off the tourist trail, but do look out for scams Gullible clueless newbie gringos are always great marks. They get taken all the time It's a fact that every gringo soon gets approached by locals and other gringos offering up surefire Tremendous business opportunities even deals of the century if only you'd partner up with them or invest your dough the solution Just keep reminding yourself You've only got 10 grand and also if it wasn't your great idea in the first place don't invest When you're approached with such a great deal always ask yourself if it's so great. Why does he need me? Why hasn't he found some other gringo sucker to invest better yet? Ask yourself if he's so brilliant Why is he the same washed out gringo you saw in the same clothes last weekend at the gringo bar?

[24:01] And if he's a local ask yourself why is he still riding a chicken bus? Which is why it's always a great idea to stay away from those gringo expat bars Good advice And I know when anyone first gets down here you're drawn to those places because well if you don't speak spanish You get hungry for some real gringo bonding But don't make it a habit or you'll end up in a rut like so many of the regulars at those expat bars And yes, you'll see the usual types in there There's always one or two unbaid long-in-the-tooth indiana jones types who never really trudged through the jungle or climbed the volcano Much less snapped their whip and somehow if you manage to return a couple weeks later You'll see some of the same people in the very same clothes, too That should say a lot in itself

[24:47] Then you have got your small contingent of hot-bellied long-haired vietnam vets and harley guys without hogs And lost in a time warp grungers and grateful deadheads many on disability or social security checks from uncle sam Now most of the expat bar regulars are 30 to 50 years old There's the ex-military crew cut jarhead soldier of fortune types with plenty of gulf war tattoos But no neck tats because they've got no necks Then there's a sort of lost generation pseudo intellectual backpacker bohemian long thick yellow fingernailed types Infated hawaiian shirts and khaki shorts with bloodshot eyes who drink too much cheap beer and smell like it Talk to one of these guys and they've got an opinion on everything and they'll tell you about the great american novel

[25:36] They've been writing for the past 10 or 15 years So it really is a pretty colorful crowd But you wouldn't want to get too friendly with the regulars there lest one or more of these guys finds out where you live And ends up crashing in your guest room for an undetermined period of time Oh, and by the way, never ever let one of these guys apartment or house sit for you That's what happened to expat heady, but we'll save that story for another day So you've got the pseudo intellectuals the bikers the jarheads the ex-military types Even military types if you're in a capital city because you know There'll be an embassy there and that's where all the military guys hang Then you'll have those gone native case of beer a day drinking red-eyed armchair philosophers And believe me You don't want to get stuck sitting next to one of those guys

[26:22] And I tell you you don't want to get invited back to his dump to meet his latina live-in and their three illegitimate half gringo kids So why am I mentioning this? Well when I first got down I met all those types Got invited to their houses and parties and realized instantly I did not want to end up like that Now what's really strange is that of all the gringo expat bars i've been in in many different latin countries Nearly all of them have been owned by older kind of hippie-ish gringo expat women So how'd that happen? Well the story usually goes like this She her husband or her better half came down 10 15 20 25 years ago They open up a bar it attracts the gringo crowd and soon enough the guy goes native becomes a lush finds a latin lover

[27:09] He moves on or gets kicked out and his ex gets the bar now She might go native become a lush and find her own latin lover But still the woman seems to be a bit more stable and business-like I've seen that time and time again off the gringo tourist trail But with expat bars on the gringo tourist trail at costa rica You'll have those regulars. I mentioned and half the crowd will be partying gringo tourists in the country for just a week or two You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com And if you want me to help you sort out your own latin american plans schedule a one-on-one

[27:56] Los vemos