#526 – Episode 526: Life, Crime, and the Search for Simplicity in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America the show that tells you just what it's like to live Work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Okay Now here's an email from a very seasoned expat a guy who's been married to a Brazilian girl for five years And he's lived in Brazil a long time. Listen to this. It's a long one. So I'll have to paraphrase It's coming from mr. Anonymous. God, you know that mr. Anonymous writes me a lot of emails. I must have hundreds

[00:50] Yep, a very prolific writer with many styles seems to have lived in every single country in Latin America, too First he gives us some background. He says I'm 52 used to live in New York, New Jersey, Texas, Florida and, California I've been married to a Brazilian woman for five years now got my Brazil residency in 2011 Lived off and on since 2010 in Brazil I'm in the state of Rio de Janeiro now about 45 minutes from Copacabana, you know that famous speech and you know Johnny We actually lived in Thailand during 2012 and 13 in Chiang Mai for six weeks karabi three weeks kata Beach 15 minutes from fukit beach for about two months visited Malaysia Philippines Singapore and more by the way, it's me again Johnny seems to me like every expat

[01:36] I've ever met who's been within 500 miles of that particular beach in Thailand With the funny sounding name the one that begins with a pH and rhymes with bucket that beach seems to be so Internationally famous but only for its name that people who've been within 500 miles of the place always have to bring it up in Conversation somehow as does mr. Anonymous here can't blame him for that though. It seems to be a universal gringo talking point I can hear those first world tourists now. Hey, so you've been to Thailand, huh? Can you recommend a good beach there? Yeah Fuck it man. What an icebreaker, huh? Anyway, mr. Anonymous says my wife and I are in Brazil right now because we are physically taking care of her Mother who has Alzheimer's or dementia whatever so we're kind of stuck here for a while until we can help her get better or not

[02:27] Till she has enough strength to walk on her own So if we can get her to that point and don't have to stand her up and feed her etc Then I told my wife we have to get out of here. We have to go somewhere else I kind of like Thailand because it's very cheap and easy to live there. It's convenient However, I want to get a second passport because well things aren't getting any better up in the States And I'm debating if I should try to get my Brazil passport after all I'm married to a Brazilian And of course, I have my residency already But before I do guess what I have to actually learn Portuguese Which is a real pain in the ass now I know some Spanish from school when I was a kid and it's not so difficult to learn the rest But Portuguese to me is a frightening nightmare compared to Spanish now

[03:12] I was thinking about trying to get my residency in Panama with a goal to get a passport after five years and becoming a citizen I have heard that's the way to go because then your income earned overseas is taxed at zero in the US But I don't know exactly what to do right now. All right, it's me again Johnny. Let me break in and say mr. Anonymous it doesn't matter where you live outside the US if you're out of the States for 360 days or more per year all of your overseas earned income is taxed at zero doesn't matter if you're in Panama or not You forgot our residency or a passport in Panama or anywhere else. It doesn't matter as long as you're outside 330 days or more you're exempt from US taxes on the amount you earn overseas up to $100,800 for the year 2015. Oh and by the way look out for that Panama

[04:04] Residency too because some Residencies you get in Panama. There are a number of different kinds, you know temporary permanent Investor and pension auto residencies turns out with the latter two you're not allowed to get that passport But I spoke about that on a previous show not too long ago Anyway, he says having lived in Brazil man Do I have some weird stories most of them centering on the problem of insecurity and crime? How about let's start with this one I saw a man with a gun in broad daylight about 14 feet from me in a good part of town across the street from Guatemala shopping mall a nice upscale shopping zone in Sao Paulo Brazil He had the gun trained on a guy walking in front of me on the sidewalk

[04:51] And as I watched in amazement that victim was handing the guy with the gun about 20 Brazilian reales That would bet about 10 bucks at the time now The weird thing is that there were many armed guards standing right across the street Looking at all directions in front of the multi-million dollar mall about 70 feet away I thought I was dreaming the whole thing at the time It just didn't make sense to me the so-called shopping mall guards with guns themselves did nothing Now if you think that's bad, how about this one? My wife's a Brazilian and her best friend was taken hostage a while back in Rio at gunpoint if I remember correctly and They took her to an ATM machine and forced her to use her credit card to withdraw all her cash

[05:39] And how about this one in September 2015 just a few months ago I was driving from Nova Igua near Rio de Janeiro where we live Via a major highway and after only about 20 minutes the beginning of a trip that was to last five hours in a car And in this case, I was using my wife's brother's car a Honda fit and here's what happened We heard a really loud noise under our car while we were traveling like about 60 miles an hour We heard a big ugly noise coming from under the car like a mini explosion We knew we hit something hard, but there was nothing on the road that we could see That's when another car pulled up alongside of us and the man in the car was trying to tell us something He pointed to the rear end of our car as if something had happened

[06:24] He was trying to alert us that something was wrong So being pretty much experienced with cars myself and knowing how to fix basic things I told my wife to pull over right away so I could see what happened. She did She pulled over to the highway shoulder and stopped I got out and she stayed in the car I got on my hands and knees to look under the car to see what happened and didn't see a thing I decided then to crawl deep under the car to get a better look and Suddenly, I heard my wife screaming out. No, no get in the car now and hurry So I jumped out to see why she was freaking out. She tells me to hurry get in lock your door I jumped in and she took off like a bat out of hell like you see in a movie Then she frantically explained to me that while I was under the car those nice people telling us that something was wrong

[07:13] Were most certainly Carjackers turns out they've been following our every move and pulled off the road at the same time, too Now, you know, I didn't see any of this because my head was under the car But it all made sense to me What I think happened is they took some rocks and managed to throw them under the car while we were moving Now since that and those other incidents I mentioned I've been telling my wife that it really sucks and we have to constantly be on our guard everywhere. We go in Brazil I tell her all the time don't walk around in nice clothes. Do not use the bling that designer handbag, etc Now as for our preferences, we don't have a car which is the way I prefer it when I'm traveling through foreign countries Anyway, I told my wife if her brother's car would have gotten hijacked while I was driving it

[08:00] We would have to pay for the whole car because we didn't have it insured. Why you might ask? Well, it was at least eight years old However, it was still worth about $20,000 US because you know down here in Brazil cars and many other big-ticket items are Double what you pay for them in the States or other countries. It's all about corrupt greedy government and taxes, you know Anyway, I think maybe one day I'll write a short 30 page ebook and put it on Amazon and Kindle publications or something Giving some tips on living shopping restaurants and travel experiences good and bad while living in the great big country of Brazil Anyway, Johnny I just found your podcast and wow if I could find someone that writes books the way you speak on your podcast

[08:46] It would be a best-seller. Do you know of anyone that writes the way you speak? Obviously, that would be you but I'm sure you're too busy for such stuff. That said I'll certainly be giving you some more Brazil Experiences in the future. Thanks again, Johnny. Mr. Anonymous Well, thanks for the kudos. Mr. Anonymous. I tried the writing profession a while back I have written about five books myself and you know what since I'm not connected or tied in with anyone who's got literary contacts I can't even get an agent or a publicist to read the first paragraph though I admit I haven't really tried very hard In fact some years ago before I had this show and was doing strictly Latin American radio I sent out a few manuscripts to agents cold I followed the instructions on the literary submission website and all I got back were form letters saying they're not

[09:34] accepting unsolicited manuscripts at this time and one of those rejection letters said they were fully two years behind in looking at manuscripts because they receive over 40 Unsolicited ones a week. So what's that mean? It's extremely tough to break into the literary business if you don't have a cousin who works there or some kind of an inn In other words, don't quit that Dunkin Donuts day job So unless you're already a known and proven writer or you know someone that can get your manuscript to the top of the review pile You're out of luck with the big publishing houses sure you can self-publish and all that But unless you're very lucky or find a niche The fact is the future looks dim for writers people just don't read books anymore. They want sound bites Facebook Twitter

[10:20] What's up blogs YouTube and Internet news clips? Yep, sad, but true So then mr. Anonymous about me writing the next big bestseller that's flattering but frustrating You know like for example if a happily married guy suddenly finds a naked woman in his closet flattering But frustrating in other words, it ain't gonna happen Now regarding those Brazilian robbery stories mr. Anonymous one of the famous carjacking stories That's been going around all throughout Latin America Involves a certain scam that's been going around if you have a very nice car Which is why I always recommend you have a common car? That's pretty much nondescript meaning if you have a really nice SUV Especially if it's a woman driving you try to prevent the outside world from knowing that which is again

[11:08] Why you have very tinted windows so no one can see who is really driving another tip Because obviously women grandmas and grandpas will be easier targets, so do have heavily tinted windows It's good passive protection even on your slightly nicked and dented five-year-old Nissan Sentra And by the way in Latin America there are no tinting laws You could have them as dark black as you want as opposed to up in the first world I think they only let you tint them like 20% at most But beware if you have your front windshield tinted heavily It can be awful hard to see through the windshield if you're the driver Because you see so many Latin American roads are poorly lit especially on the boonies and when the rainy season comes It adds to the problem yet another good reason to try not to drive at night, but where was I oh?

[11:55] Yeah, talking about that other driving scam that happens pretty much exclusively to people who have very nice cars now I know two people this has actually happened to one a clueless gringo who is married to a Latina And she wanted a nice big beautiful SUV And here's the gist of what happened to her just because she was driving that nice late-bottle big car She was driving along at around 30 miles an hour and got tapped from behind by a smaller junky or car in fact He'd been tailgating her for some time people don't seem to pay attention to tailgaters down here because everyone does it now When something like that happens you get a little pissed off it ruins your day So she pulled over and stopped to see what the damages were like anyone would now remember This is Latin America where almost no one has car insurance especially the junkers or cars over three or four years old

[12:45] So just know if you get a minor rear-end collision with a junky car Chances are he'll just take off rather than deal with you your insurance company and the cops because he's in the wrong doesn't have insurance And he stands to lose his car and get a big fine So that's why people just take off But if a junker hits you and it's obviously his fault and he sticks around that should make you a bit suspicious He might be working an angle to get money out of you or worse Which is why if you have any suspicions at all just don't get out of the car call your insurance company and wait for them To arrive that'll only take about 10 minutes and the cops. Well, they may or may not come you never know So then what's the scam? Well, if there is foul intent by the other guy, he knows you're off your guard

[13:33] Now you've been hit and you're kind of pissed off and you're gonna get out of your car and look at the damage The tip here is don't be so quick to get out of your car Let him or them get out of the car first and come over to you now If they don't be even more suspicious now Remember if there's bad intent as soon as you roll your window down or get out of the car They're gonna see right away if they can take you and your car If you're a woman or a nerdy looking guy with some kids All they have to do is grab the keys and maybe grab you too thinking you might have an alarm so you can disarm it And they've got your car and possibly you too, which is reason 2426 why you don't want to drive a brand new or late model high-end car and by the way Why you do want to have heavily tinted windows like almost everyone does here in Latin America

[14:20] In fact heavily tinted windows are so common when you do see a decent car with clear windows You're thinking the driver is either naive or he just bought the car and has an appointment to get his windows tinted later in the week Oh, and by the way, when you buy a new car down here from the dealership They always throw in the heavy tinted windows. That's life in Latin America Oh and while we're talking about cars and options get this if you do buy a brand new car at a dealership Which I don't recommend really unless you're buying a very stripped down cheap non-descript car like a Nissan Centra car thieves You know have to make it worth their while They've got their favorites and Nissan Centras and Ford Fiesta's are on no bad guys wish list now speaking of new cars and options Everyone knows if you've got leather seats

[15:06] I mean real leather seats that'll add a bit of class and comfort to any car even a Ford Fiesta Even a tuk-tuk the fact is I kind of like nicely tan dead animal Epithelia myself makes for a very nice footwear, too now don't get me wrong. I am a hypocrite I'm not for killing animals only the ugly disgusting ones like cockroaches flies mosquitoes ticks and politicians But animals do die so why not use their epithelia for something cool like bucket seats in your tuk-tuk or Ferrari or Ford Fiesta now you know in the States that would be probably a two to three thousand dollar option Though I don't even think you can get leather in a Fiesta or a Centra But I could be wrong and you know down here in Latin America when you buy a car new You can also get that pure leather option

[15:53] And if it's from the factory it'll be a couple of grand But there is a trick here that can only happen in places like Latin America where labor is Indescribably cheap for example a friend of mine just bought himself a brand new Kia Sorrento That's one of their big SUVs. They threw in the heavily tinted windows of course along with get this fine-grain leather Upholstery and he got that even after he beat him down in the price so low There was no way they could possibly make a nickel if they threw in leather upholstery So what's up with that and it's pretty common down here well That's because here in Latin America you can get your leather two different ways You can get it from the factory And then it's gonna be an expensive option or the dealer will have the leather put in custom done here in Latin America

[16:39] Add a local leather shop, and they do fantastic work And you know I've seen it done both ways and you cannot tell the difference Oh, and by the way if you have an older car and your upholstery is bad or rotted out You could have it completely reupholstered in leather, and what's it gonna cost? Maybe three hundred bucks for real leather in the states two grand easy right and that's why When you buy a new car down here in a dealer they can throw in the leather seats to clinch the deal and not take much Of a hit all right now. Let me digress and regress before I was talking about writing books Did any of you listeners out there besides Jack Brett ever tried that he's the one you know that wrote past Spanish Remember that book and you know it's been said that everyone's got at least one book in him I mean with all the stories and adventures. We've all been through especially us expats plus

[17:27] We got time on our hands to do such things once you know just once I said to expat Eddie man You've got thousands of very strange cool and weird stories Why don't you put them down in a book to which he replied yeah, Johnny? Maybe I will you know a man has not lived unless he's had a few first-rate scandals in his life And I've certainly had more than the next guy then about a month later I ran into expat Eddie's girlfriend, and she said you know I don't know if that was a very good idea you put into Eddie's head about writing a book She says for the last month or so he hasn't watched any sports at all He's been holed up in his room staring at his computer, so naturally I phoned him up and said Eddie How you coming with that book you did start it right? He says yeah, I'm working on my writing formula And I think I'm honing it down to an art now. It's like this

[18:13] He said every day. I go into my room I turn on my computer let it warm up a bit have a few drinks Keeping the bottle within reach smoke a cigarette or two maybe fire up a coheba Then I sit there and stare at the keyboard for a while Concentrating until I get little beads of sweat on my forehead then I said then what Eddie what have you written so far? Then he said I'm getting there. It'll come so in the end what he's saying is nope It's not easy write a book though Some of us will try like me because we've got delusions of adequacy and like my English professor Mother always says she said you know you have to read 10,000 books before you can write one yourself and so over the years having a mother like that I tried it in fact

[18:59] I even took the Evelyn Wood speed reading course you remember that for those of you guys and gals old enough You'll know John Kennedy kind of made that famous He used to read what four five six newspapers a day or so his publicity machine claimed when interviewed He said he could do it only because he took Evelyn Wood's speed reading course Which kicks you way up over the average reading speed of 300 to 500 words a minute to 2,000 and more So I took that course too and after Successfully completing that course and actually reading 2,000 or more words a minute. Here's what I've discovered There are some things you should read slowly like for example Contracts medicine bottles food labels and divorce papers And if you really want to enjoy a book you have to slow down to normal speed because what the hell's a book for

[19:46] If not for pleasure, right unless of course, they're the ones that teachers assigned to you at school Wait a minute teachers still do assign reading homework, right? They sure do down here in Latin America though I've heard rumors to the contrary at schools up in the States now changing this subject a bit like I didn't change it 40 Times already in the show for all you listeners up in the States Anyway, the holidays are over but down here in Latin America They trudged on and on everybody still got their Christmas trees up and decorations and Santa Claus is flying around on rooftops That said one of my ex do-gooder friends down here. Yeah, you know They come down sometimes and see the light and the error of their ways You know that building things like solar out houses for Jesus does not raise this standard of living for kids who don't even have paper Pencils desks running water toilet paper windows or even electricity in their schools much less a decent pair of shoes on their feet

[20:40] Anyway, a certain expat ex do-gooder friend of mine said to me Johnny Do you know what the difference is between people up north celebrating Christmas and the holidays and people down here in Latin America? Who would do the same besides the fact that Latin celebrate for about a half a year down here He says for the holidays We have way too much food that will never eat get way too many gifts that will never use or where and we get books That will never read which is exactly the opposite of Christmas in Latin America where there's never too much food So nothing gets tossed the gifts. They do receive are used so much They get worn out and practically no one ever gets a book for Christmas because they're too damn expensive At least for the average Latin person That's why so many expats who come down to Latin America look at the holidays in a completely different way

[21:28] Oh, and here's an email. I just have to read you. This is from Vince. He says dear Johnny I have to come down to Latin America. Sorry. I missed your last few seminars. I'm saving up Hope you can do another do you perchance have a work study program associated with your seminars? Or perhaps you can use a seminar student aid or apprentice in any event. I'm coming down I'm gonna get boots on the ground for me. The reason is I just have to de-stress till now I've been keeping up with my ever increasing treadmill pace But I know soon enough the treadmill is gonna be going faster than I can run take my brother for instance He didn't drink smoke. He didn't eat junk food. He was completely healthy up to the day He committed suicide now don't get me wrong. It's not to discredit a healthy diet

[22:17] Turns out he was on a handful of prescription Psychotropic medicines. In fact, he started very early on Ritalin and its analogues when he was about six years old kind of like Kurt Cobain Now in truth, they always said he was the mistake in the family I was 18 years old when he was born So when I was a kid there was no such thing as Ritalin or any kind of psychotropic drugs for kids And I'm sure because I'm kind of a nervous type if I was born when he was I'd have been on the same meds The fact is Johnny. I'm a 48 year old high strong wired guy and know enough about myself to know I'm just not gonna make it to my retirement years if there ever is a retirement if I go a couple more years on this Treadmill I've got high blood pressure and have had two heart stents already add to that

[23:03] I've got an underwater mortgage and a job I hate but then again nearly everyone I know seems to hate their job and the people I know that tolerate their jobs feel the end is near So yes, definitely make room for me at your next seminar and Johnny I say all this fully knowing that people around me think I'm the definition of success You know up to a few years ago when I had my first heart stent at 41 I thought everyone lived for the weekend and for that two-week vacation every year I actually had myself convinced that success or apparent success and bad health were two sides of the same coin Everyone I know who's on the same treadmill and have the same apparent trappings of success have some major health problems Just look in their medicine cabinets, and you'll see all the prescription junk. They're on guess what my epiphany came after my second stent

[23:54] A year ago now my definition of success is simple having no debt No credit cards and the ability to sleep anywhere any time under any conditions because you see for years I've had stress-related sleep problems, so now finally I realized I want the simple life I don't need to fly first class I don't want to be high and mighty and full of it like so many of my friends Oh, and by the way my definition of the perfect job that would be a job any job You get paid for that you'd gladly do for nothing you ever had one of those I haven't maybe in the next life, huh now. I'm not talking about swinging in a hammock with an umbrella drink 24 7 I mean, let's face it retirement will kill you. It's done so to everyone I know they should have t-shirts like that or have it inscribed on the back of that gold watch

[24:44] They give you when I get down to Latin America, and I'm planning on the end of this year I'll have to have a job that I really like or a couple of hobbies or maybe I'll even write the great American novel If my stents hold out anyway Johnny great podcast see you down there soon Vince hey what I tell you Everyone's got a book in them or think they have a book in them. Oh, and here's a quick email. It says Johnny This is from George. He says how is it in Latin America for real tall guys now? I'm not a big fat guy, but I am six foot five. How is that gonna work for me? You mentioned that first world franchise has arrived and things are slowly coming down to Latin America from the first world Does that mean they'll accommodate tall people like me? What about clothes and shoes at six five and two hundred and forty pounds?

[25:33] There's absolutely no legroom for me when I fly coach, but I guess that's true for everyone seems like in the States Anyway, people are becoming super sized and they're accommodating for that except when it comes to airline flights Which by the way is one of the reasons I'm coming to Central America and not South America because if I'm gonna travel back and forth A couple times a year I'm not wealthy enough to fly business class or first class and I really can't take six eight or ten hour flights and coach For me flight times from where I live in Houston to Central America are quite reasonable two and a half to three and a half hours I can take three three and a half hours sitting in a plane, but not much more. So what are your thoughts on that? Well George I can tell you two things are gonna happen to you right away when you get down here to Latin America besides

[26:19] Bumping your head a lot and you will you're gonna find that everyone will be staring at you But you're probably used to some of that already even up in Cleveland people will stare at tall guys, right? Now I'm about six foot tall, which means I'm about a head taller than almost every Latin American man Though it's not like a penetrating stare I know people are shooting glances at me once in a while But you at six five get ready to be somewhat famous because wherever you're gonna live or you're gonna stay you're gonna be that big tall gringo So forget about that low profile. You're not gonna disguise yourself by wearing a hat. Can you call that Latin? Discrimination. No just the opposite. You will be the hit of the party everywhere you go I can assure you that but the one thing that will discriminate against you down here is Latin architecture

[27:05] You'll find that as you walk around unless you enter a first world franchise or a transplanted first world hotel like Clarion Suites or intercontinental you'll find smaller doorways lower kitchen cabinets sinks and urinals even Smaller elevators and do look out for those midget sized toilets You'll find them everywhere, especially in middle-class houses and in a lot of older restaurants and commercial buildings, too You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border email me the expat files at gmail.com and if you want me to help you sort out your own Latin American plans schedule a One-on-one consult with me. Just send an email and let me know at the expat files at gmail.com. No spamos