#579 – The Expat Files: Lake Atitlan, Scams, and Local Legends

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right How about some seminar stories there are always some wild and crazy things that go on during these seminars that I give and of course You know, I do these seminars in and around Guatemala and oftentimes we end up stopping at the most beautiful lake in the world Lake Atitlan Now I'm not just saying this because everyone including guys from Minnesota and Cleveland say that a certain lake in their neck of the woods

[00:52] Is the most beautiful lake in the world and who am I to argue that lake-rusted horseshoe on highway? 151 north of Cleveland is not the most beautiful lake in the world However, if you're a world traveler like some of the people that come to these seminars They'll almost always say the most beautiful lake in the world is Lake Como in Italy That is until they've seen Lake Atitlan. I mean, come on Who'd have thought the most beautiful lake in the entire world is in Guatemala? And of course the US State Department warns you should not go to Guatemala It's too chaotic and unsafe which is perfectly fine with all the expats I know down here because it's a fact that as soon as the US State Department Start saying a place in Latin America is nice and safe and a good destination It turns into Costa Rica and well, that's when you've got paradise lost

[01:37] So if the visiting consensus is that those two lakes are the most beautiful ones in the world. What's the difference? Well, for one thing Lake Como is in a first world country and it receives millions of visitors a year And as for Lake Atitlan, well, it's been estimated that probably only one in 10,000 North Americans has seen it up close and personal And as for people I've run into who've seen both Lake Como and Lake Atitlan up close They all say pretty much the same thing They like Lake Atitlan slightly more for one It seems trapped 50 maybe a hundred years back in time and it's around five even ten times less expensive to hang around and just well Experience. Oh and another thing because so many rich and famous people have cottages and estates on Lake Como Turns out unless you're boating on lake itself

[02:25] A lot of the places are off-limits for us peons and regular folks So anyway, some seminar attendees made it up to the lake and the day after the formal seminar got over I headed up to my favorite Lake Atitlan hotel It cost me a cool 55 or was it 60 bucks a night including a huge buffet breakfast Anyway, let's just say a comparable hotel anywhere in the first world with half the view would run a couple hundred bucks a night Now just to give you the layout of the lake Surrounding it are about 12 little towns with only about three or four of them accessible by car and the rest by little boats Or what they call lunches. So each one of these towns has a pier or a dock or two That's where you pick up a public boat or a luncheon They're coming in and out about every half an hour

[03:12] But it really depends on how fast they fill up with people the maximum capacity of each boats around 30 and the charge Depends on which little town you're going to or coming from anywhere from two to three bucks So anyway to get to Lake Atitlan let's say from Guatemala's international airport you take a car a taxi or a shuttle bus and that could be anywhere from a two and a half to three and a half hour ride and The least expensive way of course is chicken bus, which I never recommend though clueless Gringos and backpackers do it all the time And that might cost you a whole three or four bucks with a couple of transfers However, the cheapest safest most reliable way is to take what they call a communeta. That would be a little van They're always at the airport. They'll take you to the nearest city Antigua for like 10 bucks

[04:00] And then for another 10, you'll grab another communeta in Antigua And it'll take you to Lake Atitlan for around 10 bucks more now, no matter how you get to Lake Atitlan You'll always end up first in a city called Panachell right on the lake Which is kind of the most touristy town of the area very hippie ish a lot of backpackers and stuff And that's pretty much the final destination of most weekend or day travelers most tourists In fact check that town out for three or four hours and head right back to the airport or to another destination on their itinerary Like the Caribbean side or the ruins of Tikal even send Salvador Honduras Nicaragua Because the countries are small and all those places are within a couple of hours driving distance And since like I said that first town you arrive in Panachell is right on the lake most travelers think well

[04:49] That's all there is to Lake Atitlan. But man, are they wrong? In fact, I'd say four out of five travelers never get past that little city to see the other towns Oh, and by the way, it's a popular destination for Latin American tourists Only about one in 20 tourists there is from the US Canada or Europe the rest are from other Latin countries So basically almost no English is spoken now I'm not trying to give you a travel log here or promote the place too much But I'm mentioning this to set you up for a crazy-ass story that could only happen to gringos in Latin America Now, like I said, there's about 12 or so little towns around the lake their population ranging from maybe 500 for the really small towns to up to 20,000 people for the largest town called Santiago and

[05:35] Like I mentioned the day trippers go to this little town of Panachell But that's really where the journey starts and you have to stay overnight or at least a couple of nights To grab a boat in the morning and to hit one of those other little towns or maybe two or three of those little Towns, in fact, you can take in two or three of them in one day Anyway, the day after the seminar ended I landed in Panachell and decided to go to the larger town Santiago If you get there early in the morning You could spend the day there and see a lot of cool stuff plus a very special attraction They've got a unique little sanctuary for one of those bad boy indigenous saints I mentioned in a previous show you might remember me talking about those unofficial Catholic saints a few shows ago I mentioned how all this came about how when the conquistadors landed so long ago and the

[06:22] Catholics came in and killed all the shamans and stuff They tried to convert and recruit all the indigenous people over to Catholicism which was not an easy job because they had their own customs and idols and saints etc and the astute leaders of the Catholic Church figured Well, they'll be pretty lenient with these guys and let them have a few of their idols as long as they embraced all the Catholic Icons teachings and saints now Catholics up in the first world would never go for this But down here things are quite mixed up In fact, I've heard true blue first world Roman Catholics say these indigenous people. They're not really Catholics They embrace the demonic but to me and so many other expat gringos with a sense of humor We think the whole thing's rather amusing Especially the crazy fallen bad boy saint called Machimone whom I was gonna visit that day

[07:09] By the way, he's the indigenous patron saint of any and all vices. You gotta love it, huh? So where can you find this guy? Well, he's in Santiago Atitlan where he stays in a little house Or I should say there's a life-size statue of him in a little house And I can tell you you don't want to miss this if you're at the lake It's a real trip more on that later Anyway, I make it down to the dock in Pana Huchel The first town you arrive in at the lake to grab a boat to Santiago de Atitlan Takes about 20 minutes by boat. By the way boats are called lanches now everywhere there are public boats or lanches that dock every 20 minutes or so and The captain waits till there are about 30 people in the boat and they take off By the way, there are private boats or lanches too and don't get sucked into one of those because all you got to do

[08:00] Is wait around 10 or 15 minutes and a boat will fill and you'll take off for two or three bucks Instead of taking a private launcher an identical boat that'll cost you 50 bucks and I've seen many a clueless gringo come as a couple or maybe a small family and plunk down 50 bucks to take one of These private jobs and they're sucked in only because you see they've never been to Atitlan before It's their first trip and they don't know the drill now You see the private launcher captains use a trick to snag clueless gringos They'll spot you a couple of blocks before you get to the dock and they'll run up and say lunch a lunch and you'll think yeah Yeah, I need a boat just what the doctor ordered and they'll look legit and they are they'll have a little tourism badge Usually a beat-up little tourism badge

[08:45] And you'll mention the town or towns you want to go to and he'll lead you over to his boat on that dock And it looks exactly like one of the public lunches that I mentioned except because it's private The only people in that boat will be you or you and your significant other or you and your tiny little group or family everyone else is packed 32 a boat on a public launch paying three bucks and you're paying 50 and those are the little tricks you have to watch out for And I guess one of the reasons is you listen to this program, right? Now remember we're pretty much way off the traditional gringo tourist trail So everybody will speak Spanish But then again who knows you might want to take a private launch because you don't want to be packed in with the sweaty Masses in that case you can knock them down to around maybe 30 or 35 bucks

[09:30] You can do some dickering now. Remember I'm talking 30 to 50 bucks for the boat That means you can pack in a lot of people yourself and your own group So it could be worth it if you have 10 or more people then it would work out to three bucks or less per person But if it's just a couple or four people, you're really getting ripped off. So don't be an idiot Now remember these launches look identical so you could get sucked into that scam beware then again I've had this conversation with a few gringos who said Johnny you tightwad That's a hell of a cheap deal to get a private boat ride around this lake for 30 to 50 bucks Man, if I was in the States, I'd pay 200 and that would be on the most beautiful lake in the world Just north of Cleveland. Okay, so maybe I am kind of pitching this show to gringos who want to save some money

[10:17] Then again, there are gringos who are listening to the show who would drop that kind of dough as a tip for their golf caddy But here's the thing if you take the private launch You're only saving maybe 10 or 15 minutes on the trip the only advantage is you take off right away whereas the other public launches are waiting to get their 30 people maximum before they Shove off by the way, none of those little towns on the lake are more than a 20-minute ride on a boat So anyway, I jump on a boat with a couple of gringos who want to see that bad boy st Machimone in Santiago and Then people start piling in and more people start piling in and finally all the seats are filled people are standing in this little boat Actually stooping because there's a little canvas top on it protect from rain It is the rainy season, you know And there's a little sign in the back where the captain stands his hand on the tiller and it says maximum capacity

[11:07] 30 people and by now there's 40 even 50 people in the boat sure most are very little people But there are 50 people in the boat. So being a gringo that can't swim very well I said really quite loudly you're overloading this boat. It's against regulations 30 to the boat No more now, I can't remember if I was the first one to say that but there was a guy and his wife and his two Kids from Colombia now, remember we're talking off the gringo tourist trail here So I guess in the boat there were probably two Americans one Canadian and two European hippies the rest indigenous and Latinos and Strangely enough all around the lake you'll find lots and lots of neo quasi and occasionally vintage Overripe scruffy and sometimes gentrified

[11:52] Geriatric hippies and young hippie clones and though wine may improve with age hippies don't so why and what's that all about? Well, because you could say there's absolute freedom there It's like it was back in the 50s and 60s in the States In fact, you could be there for days and never see a single cop and there's no violence virtually no crime unless you're walking around at night with a wallet on your head or Big and I mean really big into the drug scene. Meanwhile back in the boat It's overloaded by about 20 people and the Colombian guy really started getting pissed and he started saying very loudly in Spanish Of course that he was not gonna allow his kids in a boat that was overloaded on top of that There wasn't a single life preserver in the boat and they're required to by the way They're called chalecos here chaleco, which basically translates to vest

[12:42] Then another guy chimed in saying he couldn't swim either and he yelled I want my chaleco the captain's little helper jumped up on the dock ran over to a little building that looked like an outhouse and pulled out some Twisted smudged and decrepit life jackets He tossed about 15 into the boat figuring that might quell the impending mutiny. So there wasn't one for everyone That's for sure now about overloading that boat the whole thing boils down to this which I found out later These captains or pilots pelotos as they call them do not own these boats They rent them just like most taxis and tuk-tuk's buses and vans That's the setup through most of Latin America These poor little schmucks that drive these things could never afford to buy the equipment themselves So it's always understood that there's some guy who owns a bunch of them and he'll rent them out by the day

[13:32] So anyway, all the captains and pilots are renting and it's a fixed rate per day So the object is to pack in as many people as you can at any given time and be clever about it because there is a lot Of competition if you pull up to one of those docks You'll see that there might be three four even a half dozen little launches park there And each guy has to round up people quickly and course them into his boat So he can shove up faster than the next guy So by now there was a lot of hubbub going down in our boat now Neither the captain or his helper said a word while all the shouting was going down and I mean there was shouting Especially from the Colombian guy who looked like he had a lot of dough designer real leather handbag Nikon professional camera get up all the stuff only stupid clueless gringos would be carrying on a vacation like that

[14:19] Anyway, like I said the helper and the captain were playing dumb, but they weren't about to take paying customers off that overloaded boat Oh and another thing about three-quarters of the passengers on that boat were little indigenous guys and gals in their typical indigenous outfits In fact every tribe and I think there's 25 tribes in Guatemala has a complete different style of indigenous robe And pretty much only they can tell the difference they can tell each other apart But we can't and don't think they're dressed like that to amuse or impress the tourists either That's how they dress all the time. I know it sounds like a cliche, but they all look alike to us They're close anyway now Like I said about three-quarters of all boats going around that little lake are filled with indigenous people and I Discovered by hook and crook. They don't pay you the same price as gringos and foreigners and even local Latinos

[15:05] When we pay two or three bucks, they pay about a buck. In fact, it's all pretty clandestine They shove the dough in the hand of the little helper so fast You can barely see how much it is But if you look close you'll see it's a lot less than you pay on top of that Nobody's talking. In fact, I've asked a few indigenous people what they pay to ride on those boats and they say depends Depends, of course, they all speak Spanish But they also speak their own indigenous languages which they quickly break into and they don't want others to figure out what they're talking about Which is of course why my parents spoke Swahili around the house Just kidding so anyway when they've got three-quarters of the boat paying about a buck for their passage and the rest of us gringos and Backpack or tourists paying three bucks. You can see why they overload their boats if they can get away with it now

[15:51] Like I said, the captain and his helper were unresponsive They did bring some life jackets, but the commotion was still going down about having the boat overloaded Then that's when I pulled rank. I said look smile Well, I take your photo then I said I'm from inguat. Those are the initials of the Guatemalan tourism authority I said be prepared to be famous and probably find heavily That's when he ducked his head low pulled his baseball cap over his eyes and did everything possible to dodge that photo Now, of course, I was BSing him But I thought it might throw the fear of God into a more at least the fear of Machimone The local bad boy indigenous patron saint I was on my way to see that's when the rich Colombian guy stood up and said We're leaving me and my family won't stay in a boat. That's overloaded So they got out and we got out and the boat took off still overloaded by around five or ten people and short on life jackets

[16:43] So we just jumped into the next available boat was half filled already and boy I'll tell you what that captain had seen and heard everything that went down in that previous boat. So he Meticulously counted everyone until he got to 30 handed everyone life jackets from that little outhouse on the dock and actually apologized to Me and the Colombian guy for the other captain's behavior and lack of concern Though I think the real reason he was sucking up to us is because he thought I really was from the Ministry of Tourism because I saw the captain's little helper mouthed the word in what in his ear before we got on board In what is the pronunciation of the first letters and the Department of Tourism? Etc. Etc. In Guatemala and actually they're just another corrupt toothless agency of the government

[17:31] But they can and will act for example a hotel gets too many complaints or a gringo dies of food poisoning at a restaurant In Latin America, you know, it's government by crisis Hmm sound familiar and you know thinking about that great service we got on that second boat I think I just might photoshopped me an inguat badge could come in handy, you know So then what about the purpose of that trip to see that bad boy st. Max Simone? Well, it was really worth the trip Now when you go to the house that Max Simone happens to be in and by the way every year on May 8th Right after the Catholic holiday of Samana Santa, which would be Easter. He changes houses. That's every single year He's kind of like a traveling drunken uncle who actually commands some respect now

[18:20] I don't know how they select a house, but you're not gonna find him in a luxury palace It's always kind of a scruffy room very dark The window shades drawn even boarded up and there's always a coffin in the room with Christmas tree lights all over it I don't get the connection, but I don't get a lot of things in Latin America Anyway, people are kneeling down in front of his life-size statue and believe me. He's no Andre the giant He's a little wooden guy about five foot tall eyes closed prune faced with a lit cigarette or cigar in his mouth at all times money stuffed in his pants belt and shirt pocket kind of like an indigenous pole dancer and people kneeling lighting candles making offerings to The place heavy with incense and cigarette and cigar smoke and everyone there is praying for him to do one of three things

[19:06] Help him have luck with business and money help them with love and romance or help them get even with someone who's done them wrong Cuz remember he's a bad boy Satan can do certain nasty trickster stuff when he's in the mood Oh, and by the way, the spelling of this guy max she moans name is ma x i m o n ma x i mo n Look it up. Anyway, like I said every year. He's in a different scruffy little house or location So you have to ask around ask a tuk tuk driver. He'll tell you where he is this year better yet Give the tuk tuk driver a buck and he'll take you there However, don't be surprised if you have to walk down some bad little alleyways and dirt corridors In fact, it could be a little bit scary But don't worry. There is really no crime in these little towns none to speak of anyway If you're on a pilgrimage to see moxie moon, they say you'll be protected and no harm will ever come to you

[19:56] Unless of course you take pictures of maxi mon and don't pay the buck and a half the owners of the house charge Because you see if you steal a picture of him without pain You can be sure he'll do some of his bad boy tricks on you. Anyway, if you're in the area, it's a real trip I'll tell you it's nothing like visiting grants to him It's closer to visiting the set of The Walking Dead The whole thing's kind of mysterious and spooky which makes it all the cooler doesn't it now those of you Of course, we're watching us on YouTube. We'll get to see moxie moon in all his glory Or whatever you want to call it, by the way Gringo's an expat who visited Lake Atulan often say man I would just love to live here the rest of my life not next door to moxie moon or in the neighborhood But anywhere else because pretty much everywhere the views are absolutely spectacular You have to see it to believe it. So visitors almost always say Johnny

[20:44] Where are the best places for gringo expat to live around the lake? What towns are safe? What are rents like? What about potable water and sewage land costs internet phone service and all that? Well, let's just say you're gonna be truly amazed at what kind of land and housing deals You can get in the various towns and locations around the lake In fact, if you're watching this on YouTube right now, you're gonna see some of the photos I took just this week Listings of properties for rent and for sale all around the lake all of them with the million dollar or I should say ten million Dollar views factors a house for rent. I'm putting up on YouTube I believe it's six hundred dollars a month with like I said a ten million dollar view Anyway, a lot of people have asked me about Airbnb is to yep They're popping up all over Latin America And when you talk about Airbnb as you know

[21:30] The people that put them up on the internet are very savvy and you're gonna most likely pay gringo prices Why because it's gringos and world travelers and wealthy latins that look up on the sites to find these places Which is why I occasionally receive an email from people saying look at Johnny I'm checking out Airbnb prices in Central or South America, whatever and you know, they're pretty expensive Maybe they're very cool places, but man goes at first world prices. Well, what do you expect? Let's face it if you're putting up your house or apartment as an Airbnb for rent wouldn't you want to squeeze the last dime? You can out of the place That's exactly what gringos do and who are these people putting up Airbnb's they're mostly gringos or gringo wannabes with dough Sure, there are a few average types doing it too But when it comes to Latin America most gringos and expats would not want to stay in a house of an average Latin

[22:19] Because to us that would be lower middle class or worse again it's all about the neighborhood and I know there are some very nice Airbnb's in very bad locations and some of them and Very nice safe good locations too But so far out and away from the city and the action or wherever you're hanging out that you're gonna have to rent a car To get around and that'll cost you 50 bucks or so a day Fact I can tell you about a very very nice Airbnb in Guatemala City. I know the lady who owns it She's a very nice person very honest pretty much first world all the way But that Airbnb is in a very dangerous area of town Even though it's centrally located and a huge superhighway goes right by it So then how you gonna know that plus it gets very top ratings on the Airbnb TripAdvisor or however they rate those things

[23:05] So yes, you can have a very nice place But when you step outside, that's when the problems begin unless of course you have your own car transportation So you really have to make an honest assessment of the neighborhood not just the place then again I know of some Airbnb's in spectacular Latin neighborhoods gated guarded Totally protected all the amenities tennis courts swimming pools saunas jacuzzis super high quality gyms and such and some too may seem Like pretty good or even great deals But many of them are way out in the burbs 5 10 20 30 even 50 Kilometers from where the action is or where you want to hang so you will need transportation But how are you gonna know that if you haven't done a lot of investigation would be great, huh? If you found a fantastic Airbnb all the photos look terrific

[23:51] But you had to pay 10 or 20 bucks for a taxi every time you wanted to head out I mean, what good is it to spend 40 bucks a night in a nice Airbnb when you spend 50 bucks on taxis every day? Because again, you're not renting an Airbnb just to hang out in the neighborhood You're in a foreign country at places ago things to do sites. You want to see right, but I'm not poo-pooing the Airbnb idea It's a great one and there are a lot of nice cool ones out there great locations reasonably priced, but I'll tell you right now I know some hotels that can compete head-to-head with a lot of the nice Airbnbs and you got the hotel amenities made service every day and you're right in the center of the action and since Airbnb's seem to be the fad hot buzzword now people are talking about it and everyone wants to get into the act The fact is I wish they would that would bring in a lot more competition and the prices will drop and that would be good

[24:40] For everyone, I guess except for the B&B owners However, I don't think one in a thousand people is thinking about what's gonna happen shortly The so-called big blowout or greater depression you've heard that term because that's when you have to ask yourself Who's gonna be traveling who's gonna have the dough and who's gonna be able to Get permission to leave the country to do that because that's what it's coming to Which is why when gonna bees and wannabes and expats who come down here to live say johnny I'd like to build a hotel or have a B&B or whatever. I'm thinking Yeah, you're the one who's not thinking too far ahead into the future There's a huge real estate bubble down here right now. It's becoming a terrific renters market in many places For example, you could rent a brand new house. That's never been lived in in a gated guarded community

[25:27] 1500 to 2000 square feet even more for around get this 400 bucks a month and yet there's cranes all over they're still building everywhere like there's no end and no tomorrow So is that what you really want to do start an airbnb mom and pop bed and breakfast Start something up in a tourism related industry Well, i'll ask that question again who's going to be going on vacation anywhere when the next shoe drops? When the so-called greater depression kicks in remember it'll be kicking in in the first world not much down here So yes do come down buy some land build a house buy some distressed property, whatever But my advice stay away from the hotel and the hospitality business. It might seem like it's doing well now But first look at the reasons you're coming down to latin america in the first place

[26:14] Because you see bad bad things on the horizon, right? And another thing there are tens of thousands of three-bedroom houses in gated guarded communities here in latin america that are completely vacant They're brand new too And for the owners of those developments There's no dough coming in and when they find out they can list those properties as airbnbs What's that gonna do to the hospitality business? Look out Now, of course i'm talking off the gringo tourist trail now because if you go to costa rica panama most of mexico You won't find those kind of deals at all because their economies are still being pumped up by gringo tourism And when that type of tourism grinds to a halt because well, it's just not a priority anymore Just think about the reasons why you're listening to this program and think about your plan b and what will work and what won't

[27:00] That's edward getting towards the end of the program right now. Don't forget to go to www the new expat.com Check out expert expat blogger john gault and hear what he's got to say He's had a few years of boots on the ground and runs into amazing things all the time And don't forget to check out my youtube channel to see all the great visuals that go along with the show And finally for all who are wondering when my next expat insider seminar will be taking place It'll be in early january 2017. So if you want to get on the early bird discount list send me an email South of the border You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com

[27:46] And if you want me to help you sort out your own latin american plans schedule a one-on-one consult with me Just send an email and let me know at the expat files at gmail.com. No, es vemos