#612 – The Expat Files: Decameron Resorts, Cuba, Trump, and Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right back in the saddle again after a couple weeks off, you know, I deserve that I guess after 610 shows whatever actually the truth of the matter is I was out exploring the deep camera on hotel situation You know sound a lot of people's mind

[00:46] I mentioned it maybe a couple of years ago where a person could use his social security check even less than that and live for A whole year like a king or a queen in an all-inclusive Latin American style mega resort you've heard of sandals and Vacations international and all those all-inclusive resorts in Cancun Jamaica Dominican Republic, etc Well this Latin one that the camera on isn't a four-star resort But there's nothing low-class about it except for some of the vacationers and their kids But I'll get into that on our next show. The cool thing is it's huge Beautiful and all-inclusive and I mean all food and drinks to 24 7 anyway I'm out checking into it right now as we speak and I have a meeting with one of their reps

[01:35] Who sells any number of what they call decameron club plans? Like I said, you won't find that stuff that club plan anyway on the internet You'll find decameron resorts as a regular hotel booking but nothing about the club package plans the only way you'll ever find out about it is to come down yourself and wait till a Little guy or gal approaches you with a clipboard and says hey, have you heard about the decameron club plan? Just give me 45 minutes of your time and I'll give you two nights and three days free at this decameron hotel good indefinitely, yep indefinitely sounds like a bad 90s timeshare spiel doesn't it and I definitely recommend you let them have 45 minutes

[02:21] You'll get two free nights out of it and the freebies for double occupancy, too So by all means give them the 45 minutes at least to get the two free nights in three days Question did you even know there was such a thing as decameron a gigantic mega chain of all-inclusive resorts Did you even know there was a way to finagle a very nice lifestyle living at one of those or many of those resorts? Well, those of you who've been listening to my show for some years now No It does and the rules have changed and I'm here to check out if you still can Live an entire year at any one of the 50-plus decameron all-inclusive resorts around the world Unless then your average social security check. Yep. These resorts are mostly in Latin America Many of them way off the gringo tourist trail all of them on a beach. I think there's only one

[03:11] That's not in Latin America. It's in Cameroon Africa as for me I've been to over 10 decameron resorts in about seven different Latin countries. Some are better than others Still they're all pretty good. By the way in the last two weeks I've been at the decameron in El Salvador and now one in Panama and I have to tell you at these two Decameron's I've only seen three or four other gringos and nope They didn't come down here on their own. They're all gringos or gringas who've got Latin husbands or wives So that's the connection and why they knew about the decameron at all Yep, I've seen three or four gringos, which really is an amazing revelation since the one I met right now has 500 and something rooms and holds

[03:56] 2,000 people which is why I have to say it's one of the best kept travel secrets in the world Mostly because I think you really have to know your Spanish to get around here Even though most all the signs are in Spanish French and somewhat misspelled English Almost none of the staff or grounds workers speaks English at all However, when a little guy ran up to me with his clipboard yesterday and noticed I was a gringo He said in very broken English. Don't worry mister. We have a vendor Dora vendor who speaks English Don't worry Don't worry as if you know not to lose that big gringo fish from the US that might really buy big into the plant Anyway, I'm gonna find out all about it later today And I'll be reporting on that on the next show should be interesting. In fact, I guarantee it'll be interesting

[04:45] So stay tuned. So anyway, I've been off for two weeks and emails have been flooding in asking what happened to Johnny Did he get fired? Is he dead? well as Mark Twain once said the rumors of my death are slightly exaggerated At first I thought Oscar Wilde said that but then I remember nope Mark Twain otherwise known as Samuel Clements Remember him? Well, if you're under 40, you're probably not because you didn't have to read any of the great books Did you speaking of famous dead people in respect to the timely death of uncle Fidel Castro? Actually, I don't mean respect as in the Aretha Franklin style of respect I mean in respect to the news that he died. You know what I mean Anyway, I like the vast majority of Americans I've had a chance to visit Cuba a couple of times. Nope Americans were not supposed to go when I went to Cuba

[05:37] I just flew out of a Latin American city and when you landed there, they just never stamped your passport That was part of the deal. So that was the trick they used to get first world tourists The Cuban government loves American tourists. Why because they're so short of US dollars Yep, as two-faced as the Castro regime and the Castro brothers have always been they slam capitalism But invited the tourists in through the back door to spend as much money as they possibly can So if you came through with an American passport with most people didn't know unless of course you were a Cuban American They never stamped it. So no telltale marks of visiting Cuba ever appeared on your passport on my last trip down I made a couple of those mandatory tours to those famous Cuban cigar factories

[06:25] Now when you're a non Latino tourists in Cuba, that would be US Canadian European, whatever your little vacation trip is almost Exclusively confined to the old city the old town of Havana with those wonderful old broken down structures That looks so majestically distressed on the outside But when you get in the inside they almost all have no working plumbing and often smelled like mold and urine Not good, but except for the old restored hotels The government really doesn't want you to go into the average person's residence and I don't blame them and the other place you almost always end Up as a gringo European or Canadian tourist is that at that Oh Beach That's a strip of nice first world hotels almost all owned by Canadians and Spanish firms first world prices, too

[07:13] You know Cuba ain't cheap Now last time I went on one of those Cuban cigar factory tours that would be Cohiba and Monte Cristo That's where you could really see your uncle Fidel's Influence because the cigar rollers were all on the first floor and then there was a balcony where there was always Someone up there reading from a book or manuscript So workers would get up there for an hour or two reading and everyone would get their turn Eventually and the books they were reading were always Spanish classics like Don Heely and other ones We've never heard of along with surprise surprise the writings of uncle Fidel and his actual speeches And you know Castro could talk he was king of the marathon Babbler's in fact one of his speeches from the presidential palace clocked out at seven hours of continuous

[07:59] Flagellant babble, so if you ever do get to visit a Cuban cigar factory, and I highly recommend it You will hear some Marxist rants and some classic literature, but it'll all be in Spanish So you probably won't understand anyway, which believe me is a good thing By the way regarding cigars love my hate of it's a very interesting process Seeing the best ones in the world being made in fact. I learned a few things I never would have learned otherwise one is that the famous brand name on the band That is the cigar band around each cigar was not there for sure to advertise the name You'll never guess this well the bands were first placed on cigars after they were imported to England Since back in the 19th century only the wealthy and aristocrats in Europe could afford to smoke expensive cigars

[08:46] Turns out gentlemen in their dinner jackets and white gloves had a problem because the cigar would stain the tips of those gloves Oh the troubles of the rich so a smart British Importer first started putting the bands on and his brand sold like hotcakes I think that brand was Hupman And then there's the persistent rumor that the finest cigars are rolled on the thighs of Cuban virgins So is it true well I got to see how those cigars were rolled in a big open warehouse kind of place like I said with a balcony and a Person reading and that rumor it's partially true all the cigar rollers on the main floor were women Mostly toothless old grandmothers, so where did the more pleasant version of that rumor come from it's more likely that it came

[09:33] From the smokers testing room turns out in one factory I visited at least there was a room with three quite beautiful young Cuban ladies smoking cigars Yep, that's their job day in and day out Smoking and testing cigars coming off the rolling floor and for some reason they all seem to be young beautiful women in fact the tour guide said young ladies have the best most sensitive taste buds an Absolute must for that kind of job hmm So uncle Fidel's gone, and we've got his brother Raul to deal with now everyone in Cuba knows that Raul's a stand-up drunk He was considered a huge embarrassment to his brother Fidel

[10:18] And he was often not invited to state dinners and meetings this up because he just get drunk Fall asleep and pass out with his face in the soup in fact there are plenty of incriminating pictures like that floating around how about that for a supposed world leader You know being a drunk a pedophile and a sociopath are Prerequisites for high political office these days, but you knew that already right in fact more than one Cuban national Told me that Fidel threatened to have his own brother exiled to an island if he didn't dry out that after many unsuccessful attempts to take the cure So when Shakespeare said yes, it's good to be king Well, then is it good to be the king's brother? Well, maybe who knows anyway you remember when Jade Leno had the tonight show

[11:08] He had that segment called Jay walking worried asked questions on the street about American history and stuff and Americans would Overwhelmingly prove how stupid and uninformed they were and then you might remember recently a guy named mark dice Who does basically the same thing even more so dice has a number of famous YouTube videos showing how stupid Americans are in fact? Some of his YouTube's have been censored and banned which is par for the course these days, right? Anyway, a couple of journalists here in Latin America are Copying that method doing man-on-the-street interviews showing how stupid and uninformed Latins are and this week those journalists went around Latin America Asking the question on the street. Who is Fidel Castro and as it turned out for people under

[11:56] 65 get this only 4% knew who he was where he was from knew anything at all about the Cuban Revolution In fact, they got answers like this Fidel Castro mayor of Puerto Rico Fidel Castro name of a cigar a beer brand star soccer player a Tequila brand Vito Castro Mexican singer Mexican soap opera star and get this 126 year old Panama girl in a business suit said I see him on CNN all the time He's a Latin sportscaster now That's almost as bad as people who think that judge Judy is on the Supreme Court You can see that on one of mark dice's YouTube videos by the way Alright moving me into second gear now Things are a bit strange down here in Latin America in the wake of the Trump election

[12:45] In fact, you can tell everyone's a bit nervous Why well just after Trump's victory all the big Latin newspapers are suddenly Loaded with full-page ads from the big cell phone companies. That would be Claro Teagle and Movistar and others offering special multiple minute deals not for local calls, but calls to the US Exclusively yes, they're called US friends and family plans. So why is that unusual? Cell companies have done promotional offers like that in the past but not like they have in the last week or so Let me put it to you this way What would you think if from up there in Seattle Cleveland or Milwaukee a TV commercial came on? Are you opened up your local newspaper and saw multiple full-page ads offering great deals to talk to your friends and family in Latin America?

[13:36] You'd think there was some kind of mistake who would put out such an ad how many friends and family? Do you have in Latin America right now? But you'll see all kinds of ads like that placed here in Latin American newspapers for calls made to the states So what does that tell you good old expatty chimed in on that one? And he said his fiancee's family stocked up on minutes this week when they saw that deal because well They've got plenty of aunts uncles cousins primos teos abuelos living up in the states right now Most all of them as they say without the proper papers And the fact is everyone wants to check in with their relatives to see what's really gonna happen now that Trump's been elected Oh, and by the way, the other day I was at a gas station in Panama There were two guys working at the place and one of them when he saw I was a gringo ran up to me quickly

[14:26] And started speaking in English friendly guy asked me where I was from and all that then I said How would you learn your English so well? I do that often? You know when I run into someone whose English was particularly good, especially when they're stuck doing a crap job That's beneath their English qualifications Then I know they were illegals in the states for a long time and deported somehow Yes, I say deported, but they'll almost never tell you that he said he lived in st. Louis I said st. Louis, huh? He said yes. I loved it there. It was great. How long I asked him He said eight years now that meant this kid slipped in when he was around 12 years old and I said well Then why aren't you up there now? Which is always a loaded question and then he said what they always say

[15:14] I'm here because it's my country my family's here And then I said so you'd rather be here than up in the states and then he shrugged and said well I don't have my papers in order and you know in my 27 years down here That's the first time a Latin who I knew had been deported was totally honest with me and then he mentioned Trump You know everywhere. I go these days Latins asked me about Trump. It's always what do you think about Trump? And then they roll their eyes or give me kind of a half force smile Because they really don't know when they talk to a gringo if they ever get to talk to a gringo whether you love them Or hate them. I mean there really is no in-between right and I said well What about your friends up in the states? What do they think about Trump? I said there's a lot of talk that Latins are gonna pack up and leave and in your case

[16:03] I'll be coming back to Panama won't they and he said oh no no no I don't know anybody that's gonna leave who's up there now They love America and I said, but you know there are awful lot of movie stars and celebrities up in Hollywood That said they're gonna leave the country if Trump becomes president And then he gave me that deer in the headlights look he said no really why would they do that? They made their fortune up in the states. Why would they leave? by the way I've asked that question to a number of Latins here at the Decameron and everyone gave me the same answer All those media and entertainment people are doing great up in the states Why would they leave by the way if you do a search on the net you'll find there's at least 25 Hollywood celebrities that said they'll leave the country if Trump wins

[16:48] And they've been very outspoken about it, and I say leave, but don't come to Latin America. Please. We don't want you Especially guys like Samuel L. Jackson. I never could stand that guy. He chews up the scenery He says he's moving to South Africa. Well. They can have him then there's Jon Stewart. He's a weasel He says he'll move to another planet, so I say get a hold of Elon Musk he'll lend you a rocket booster Tell you what if Elon straps it to his back. I'll light the fuse okay Then Chelsea handler another big-mouth no talent. She wants to go to Spain They can have her and Elle Sharpton well He wants to go to another place too that place should be jail Spike Lee wants out and George Lopez a comedian wants to move back to Mexico He says if Trump wins we won't have to worry about immigration all the Mexicans will go back on their own

[17:38] Yeah, right, and you'll do your Mexican homeboy stand-up routine for who then then there's Barbara Streis And in Whoopi Goldberg what a tragic loss to the home of the brave if they left the states, huh? Why I don't think it could function then you've got Miley Cyrus Who'd be doing the world a favor if she got on that rocket with Jon Stewart? But that's probably not gonna happen now that she's got Chris Helmsworth Meanwhile the estimated 40 million Latins up in the states who are there illegally They won't leave Trump or not by the way don't think I'm a Trump supporter I just think he's gonna be the captain of the Titanic and I'll go down in history as the guy That went down with the ship actually the Empire. Oh, and by the way the other day I went to a Western Union why because I was trying to buy something on the internet

[18:27] They only took American Express and Western Union money transfers. I think they call them money grams now So I went down to the nearest Latin bank almost all of them have a Western Union or money transfer service And I said to the lady I'd like to do a cash transfer of 82 bucks to a company in Europe And she looked at me like I had a booger hanging from my nose. She said what you want to send money by Western Union We don't do that. We only receive money Of course, she was talking about those multi-billion dollar remissa payments coming from the states from Latin's mostly illegals Sending money home in drips and drabs I mean, come on who would have thought money would go in the other direction She said no one has ever come in before asking to send money to the states

[19:13] What a concept, huh? And I said look you've got probably 15,000 Western Union branches here in Latin America and no one sends money back to the states and she said not that I know of Alright, so on to plan B, right? There is always a plan B and speaking of plan B So I'm getting a continuous stream of emails asking me about my seminar. Well, I can tell you this I've got two spots left and it's a little over a month to show time So if you want to snap up those two last seats, just go to www.thenewexpet.com Click on Johnny's 2017 seminar link and sign up. No upset about that Except to say again on that subject of leaving the states because Trump won

[20:00] Well, I've heard people say they're gonna go to Canada In fact, the Canadian gringos, I know down here in Latin America And there's quite a few of them here say they don't want whiny socialist slash activist liberal types there either Their words not mine. They say please don't come to Canada now speaking of celebrities You'll never guess who I ran into the other day at a place called Kayala in Guatemala Now you may not know it but there's a giant first-world model city about 20-25 minutes outside of Guatemala City Completely isolated away from everything upscale in every way It's one of those planned homogeneous developments that you see in the states where the shops are all on the first level and there are

[20:47] Condos and townhouses on the second and third level and it's supposed to keep you there all Services and shopping provided and people have to see this to believe it It's totally upscale first world all the way and this one right outside of Guatemala City has everything you could ever ask for It's all high-end though. Even an IMAX Therefore first world expensive and yes, it's in the epicenter of what I call the Latin American real estate bubble Everything's way too expensive and in fact, the place is opened up around three years ago And they're still adding on phase one and two and they've only sold about ten percent of the housing units why because they're all over two hundred fifty thousand US dollars and Less than one percent of Latin Americans can afford that and even that one percent are all tapped out on credit cards

[21:33] So as for this project, it was a billion dollar mistake a very poor business decision But you know, no one ever sees the bubble when they're right in it. All that is obvious at nighttime When you see there are almost no lights on at all on the second third and fourth floor the residential areas However, it is a spectacularly beautiful complex Totally secure and I make a point of bringing my seminar attendees there Just to show them that a place like this can actually exist in Latin America. It's amazing You just won't believe it another sign that this gigantic beautiful complex is in the epicenter of a huge real estate bubble is That although you see people walking around because it's a very nice place to stroll with the kids and the dogs and stuff Almost no one is buying anything in the high-end shops. In fact, no one goes in the high-end shops

[22:24] You're all outside walking around buying ice cream and popcorn and stuff for a Sunday stroll or having a bite to eat at one of the pizza joints or restaurants But no one's doing anything but window shopping at any of the 50 or so high-end first floor stores Now I know to somewhat upscale Latins who have shops in that complex and they can't even make enough money to pay their overhead and guess what when their yearly contract renewal came up they gave notice and The owners made him an offer They couldn't refuse free rent for six months because they want to keep the retail Storefronts filled with high-end stores It would look bad if there were a lot of empty spaces and a gigantic first world complex like that Now contrary to what a lot of people think when they visit that place

[23:11] They're thinking there's just so many millions even billions in it. Narcos must own this. Nope It's a gigantic family owned sugar company so big. They actually own a giant bank, too So they're loaded with money. However, it's going down a big rat hole now Yeah, but now they have this gigantic billion dollar project. That's only 10% sold after three years They're still building They've got all the retail storefronts filled but only about 10 or 20 percent of them are making their nut Classic sign of a real estate bubble. Maybe you think but I digress I really digress there because I was trying to tell you who I ran into at that place called Kayala

[23:56] Just a couple weeks ago. How about Iron Man himself Robert Downey jr. On the slide So you have to ask yourself when people say don't go to Honduras Salvador Guatemalan You'll get kidnapped picked up and tortured by narcos or worse too scared to leave your hotel room So you're stuck watching whoopi Goldberg the Kardashians and Miley Cyrus videos Yuck. Well, guess what Robert Downey jr. Was hanging out. No bodyguards in sight He's not really Iron Man, you know funny enough only a few people recognized him So then if it's so dangerous, why would a guy like that come down to Guatemala, huh? And you know over the years have run into a lot of celebrities in Guatemala Why do they come always very low-key incognito hoodies and stuff?

[24:47] Like for example in the lake at titland region considered the most beautiful lake in the world You know over the years. I've personally run into Sylvester Stallone Mel Gibson Jimmy Page from the Zeppelin Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys and I spotted but never spoke to Mick Jagger and I just found out two weeks ago Paris Hilton, you know the one with the single-digit IQ came down twice in the last year Searching out a place to build a Hilton that'll ruin things won't it? Hope that never happens So does Guatemala sound like a narco infested war torn battleground to you? Well to the average doofus up in the States it does and let's keep it that way. Okay Oh and get this a few years back. I spotted Harrison Ford in Antigua, Guatemala

[25:32] He was there for some kind of do-gooder event. Now. That's a cool safe city, too And guess what the hotel concierge told me that he was scared the death of stepping outside his front door Yeah, right, Indiana Jones. What a wuss like they say down here Apparentias in Ganyan appearances are deceiving. Oh and one more last thing about so-called celebrities Did you know surely you didn't that Latin Americans are thoroughly pissed off at Kim Kardashian? Why you'll never guess It's because starting with the latest season of the Kardashians She came equipped with that same big old but but with a completely different voice It's as if your favorite TV or movie star suddenly had a complete vocal makeover

[26:21] Well big deal you might say but the lower middle and cleaning lady classes are really pissed off about it Because you see most of them are thoroughly convinced that the Kardashians and everyone else in first world television That's transmitted down here speak perfect Spanish like you really wanted to know that fluff, huh? Well, what it really shows is how naive Latin people are most until this little Kardashian Vocal scandal blew up really did believe those were their real voices, even though Their lips are never quite in sync. How could they be the truth is? There's a specific little crew of voiceover specialists in Mexico City that do practically all of the Hollywood movies and TV That end up down here on cable in Latin America including all the Pixar Disney movies and cartoons, too

[27:09] And not so long ago I saw the whole bunch 15 or 20 of them as guests on one of those stupid Good morning America clone shows called good morning Latin America. What else? That's why so many voices in so many different movies and TV shows sound very much the same Yep details details. This is Latin America, you know South of the border This is the expat files living in Latin America If you want me to help you out with your own plan B Just schedule a one-on-one consult send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to learn how to move forward with your own plan B from right up there in the states go to www.expatplanb.com and check out my three videos. See ya nos vemos