#66 – The Expat Files: Cultural, Economic, and Linguistic Realities of Living in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:12] Hi everybody, I'm Johnny Mueller, and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America, the one of a kind show that tells you what it's like to live, work, play, and or retire in Latin America, so let's get started. Right now I'm looking at one of the real estate inserts in a Sunday paper down in Managua, Nicaragua, and I want to point some things out to all you people up in the first world. Now down here, the highest compliment a business or person can receive is when somebody else says, hey, that's just like the first world. Of course, a compliment like that, coming from a Latin third-worlder, is a nice pen on the back, and it means a lot. But when it comes from a first-world person, man, they can live on that compliment for

[01:01] months. And personally, the only time I've ever seen something completely first-world down here is when something from the first world actually does land down here somehow and take root. Like for example, a transnational corporation like Microsoft or Intel, or a first-world franchise like Office Depot or Starbucks. But then calling a transplanted business operation like that first world is not really much of a compliment, because that's the reason why it was franchised and came down here, because it was such a success. And to maintain that first world style success, they don't want to change a thing. And to do it right, they end up having to whip those normally laid-back Latin employees into shape. And during the training phase, there's a ton of people who don't make the cut. Now when a strictly Latin American home-grown company is referred to as first world by anyone,

[01:51] now that's saying a mouthful, because it almost never happens. Now I want to give you a really good example of how companies down here sometimes think their first world by adopting a lot of first world standards and appearing at least on the surface to be first world, as far as the locals are concerned that is. But on closer analysis, when a real first world person like an expat comes along, he doesn't even have to do much of an analysis to see that they've missed that first world boat completely. A guy like me picks up on those clues immediately. Now again, for example, this real estate insert in the Sunday paper in Managua here shows dozens and dozens of homes and offices and buildings for sale, with nice photos and excellent descriptions of all the properties. And if you just happened to glance at it real fast, you might just think that it came from

[02:38] a New York, Chicago, or Atlanta newspaper, if it was in English, of course, instead of Spanish. But when a real first world person looks at it for more than a half a minute, there's obviously something wrong here. Now here, for example, I'm looking at a nice picture of a tiny 900 square foot house in a gated subdivision with about 500 houses exactly like it, and they all share common walls. And each of these houses goes for about $65,000. And the real estate development company will even finance your purchase. You just put $2,000 down and pay $500 a month for 20 years at 12% interest. You know, one of those arms mortgages, adjustable rate mortgage, one of those teaser mortgages that always kicks you in the end later? You know what I'm talking about. That is, if you call a 12% rate a teaser.

[03:25] And though that sounds ridiculously high for anybody up north, that's a very common interest rate down here. Okay, so far so good, for Latins looking at this ad, that is. But immediately, any first worlder or expat will know there's something not so first world about this ad, because nowhere up in the first world can you buy a brand new house for $65,000, even a 900 square foot house. And there's another clue, they don't sell 900 square foot houses in the states unless you're buying into a trailer court. And another dead giveaway, that there's something not so first world about this, is that the monthly payment to own the place is 500 bucks a month. And that's like a car payment in the United States, isn't it? But even if we ignore all that stuff, here's the real kicker. In the end, the paper they show a happy husband and wife and two kids standing on a little

[04:13] tiny patch of grass in the front yard. And in the driveway of this $65,000 house is a brand new BMW SUV. And right next to that car in the other parking place is a brand new Harley Davidson. Now to any expat or anybody from the first world, there's something really abnormal about this. Because if you can only afford a $65,000 house and payments of $500 a month, because it's a fact that nearly everybody who buys a house buys up a bit more than they can chew, thinking of course that the future will be brighter and we'll get periodic salary raises and promotions and all that. In other words, we're always stretched to the limit after we buy a house. And stretched to the absolute limit of our payment abilities. I know about that stuff because I've been there before and all my friends in the first

[04:59] world have been too. But think about that for a minute now. A latin guy down here buys a $65,000 house in a subdivision where the houses look like they're nothing but 500 matchbook covers stuck together and he's got a $75,000 BMW SUV in his driveway and a $25,000 Harley Davidson motorcycle. Now is there something wrong with that picture? To expats, yes. But apparently not to any latin that's looking at this real estate ad. Talk about great expectations. I'd call that a pretty lopsided version of the American dream, wouldn't you? Where your vehicles are worth more than your house. Now you don't see much of that up in the first world, do you? Though with all those upside down mortgages up north, who knows? Anyway, what do you think would happen if you saw an ad like that in the real estate

[05:45] section of your local paper up in the first world? You'd think it was some kind of April Fool's joke, wouldn't you? But let me point out another strange thing I'm seeing all over this Latin American real estate section. Now when they list all the bathrooms and bedrooms and how many square meters of yard and how many square meters of actual construction and how many square meters of garage space, well they also include some construction details regarding the frills and the little extras that make this property desirable. And in Spanish these little extras are called acavados, which loosely translates into accommodations or finished details. And when a real estate ad says acavados lujosos, that means luxury accommodations. And every ad says that, from a $50,000 house to a $10 million house.

[06:32] Which could mean Spanish tile in the living room, wooden ceiling beams in the dining room, granite or marble countertops, imported bathroom fixtures or hardware, whatever. But one of the main luxury accommodation selling points for a house down here happens to be the closets. Closets, it seems, are a hot item down here, and I'll tell you why in a second. Now in the United States when you buy a house these days, that is if people up there were actually buying houses, anyway new houses in the first world almost always have walk-in closets, at least in the master bedroom they do. I mean who would be caught dead without a walk-in closet somewhere in the house? God forbid, what would the neighbors think? Anyway this little walk-in closet trend has caught on down here in Latin America in a big way. It seems like every tin shack with cold running water has a walk-in closet these days, in

[07:22] the interest of copying everything they can first world of course. But as usual because this is the third world, they somehow don't get that walk-in closet bit just right. When these guys try to do things first world, there's always a fatal flaw. But only a first world person would know that. Now get this, there's at least 35 houses in this Sunday's Managua Nicaragua real estate section that proudly advertised that they have walk-in closets as a luxury feature. But here's the fatal flaw, nobody's ever come up with a Spanish translation for the English phrase walk-in closet, so they use the English words walk-in closet. However this is how they spell it, W-A-L-K-I-N-G dash C-L-O-S-E-T.

[08:09] Did you get that? W-A-L-K-I-N-G closet. In other words it says walking closet, not walk-in, as if the closet itself is actually walking around. At least that's what every first world person and expat thinks when he sees the word walking. Okay, let me explain something here about the way Spanish speaking people often use certain English language words exclusively. Now oftentimes when a new product comes out in the first world, the Latins use the English word for it instead of having a translation, like for example your car motor. Now in Spanish the word for motor is spelled exactly the same M-O-T-O-R, and they pronounce it motor, and the same thing with sofa, is sofa, but it's spelled like the English word

[08:56] S-O-F-A, and they say sofa. Same with telephone, they say telephone. There's no Spanish translation, they use the English. Especially when it comes to anything medical or scientific. In those cases they almost always use the English spelling, but with slightly different accents on the syllables. Like for an iPod or a Blackberry, they say iPod, Blackberry. You see they don't have a Spanish translation, they just use the English. Now when it comes to that walk-in closet, that they spell walking, W-A-L-K-I-N-G closet, nobody really knows how that got started. But somewhere, maybe 10 or 15 years ago, when walk-in closets first started making an appearance down here, some Latin architect or contractor with a pretty crappy command of English, somehow

[09:43] substituted the word walking for walk-in, because that's how it must have sounded to him phonetically. And now every time an expat looks in the paper and sees a real estate ad, that has that word walking closet in it, you just have to laugh. How in the hell can a closet just start walking, as the name implies? Now wouldn't that be a neat trick? I'd buy that house for sure, and I'd bring in the ghost hunters and sell tickets. But really, the question is, why hasn't anybody ever corrected that? Well I'll tell you, they haven't, and it's become common usage, and in fact, over the last few months I've looked at a lot of real estate ads, and real estate pamphlets that they print monthly here, and I've counted over 35 times where they've used the words, walk-in closet, and I've never once seen the term walk-in closet used correctly, even

[10:34] when they were referring to expensive million dollar luxury projects. They still got it wrong. And you know what an obvious mistake like that really means? It means that all these people in the construction business, even the high rollers, including the architects and developers, do not have a very precise command of English at all. I mean, years have gone by and they've used this term throughout all the countries in Latin America, and nobody's bothered to correct it. And expats, when we see it, we just laugh. It's just a subtle clue that no matter how much they try down here, and no matter how many degrees they get from Latin American so-called schools of higher learning, they still can't quite reach 100% first world standards, although many of them think they do. And you know, once I had a talk with a very successful real estate salesman down here,

[11:20] who spoke almost perfect English, and I mentioned that walk-in closet conundrum to him, and he just gave me a blank stare and shrugged his shoulders. But a young Latin architect I know down here, who went to university up in the United States, and I should say that his father is a very wealthy corrupt politician. That's why he could afford to pay that 50 grand a year out of state tuition. Anyway, he knew all about that walk-in, walk-in closet thing and told me this. He said it's as if Webster published a million dictionaries with one misspelled word in them and sent them all on down to Latin America. Well, in no time, that non-word would become a real word in the minds of everyone. And after my Latin architect friend made that analogy, I realized he was right. It's about third world people copying first world things, not analyzing them.

[12:08] I guess that's why they still love Michael Bolton and Kenny G down here. Okay, enough about that. Now let's go on to a different subject. I've been getting a lot of emails lately asking me just what I miss about the first world and what I don't miss about it. Well first, let me tell you what I miss about the first world and in no particular order, okay? I miss having really deep and intelligent conversations. Not that I'm very good at holding up my end of the conversation when I do run into a guy or girl like that, but it's nice to try to have a deep conversation once in a while, isn't it? Anyway, the deep and heavy conversations I always seem to have are with expats and foreigners. Because the local Latins, even the very educated ones, attend Latin universities, at least

[12:53] 99% of the college educated people down here do, and Latin universities as a rule are pretty substandard compared to any of the good ones up in the first world. It's a well-known fact worldwide, but they won't admit it down here, that Latin universities are terribly substandard and deficient specifically in science and technology. And to prove that, all you have to do is look at the embarrassingly low percentage of patents and inventions down here. Well, if you look up those stats on Google, you'll know what I'm saying is spot on. And although some universities have good liberal arts departments, that's not at all what Latin society needs. They need scientists and technical people and they just don't have them. The fact is, a liberal arts degree does not get you a job down here nor does it in the first world these days.

[13:38] And with the economic crisis getting worse and with no end in sight, I don't see how any parent could be foolish enough to dish out money for a liberal arts degree. I mean, being an expert in Mayan archaeology is a nice hobby, but it's not going to put food on the table. But back to my original point of not finding very many Latins I can have deep and intelligent conversations with down here, well, I have to modify that a little because if you talk to them about their own favorite subject or career, like for example, Mayan architecture or the works of famous Spanish poet, Garcia Lorca, well, in those cases, they can hold their own with anybody. It's just that even the most educated of them do not repeat, do not have a wide breadth of knowledge. They can't speak knowledgeably or intelligently about a wide range of subjects.

[14:26] They just can't move from archaeology to computers to American history to biology to Hitler to economics and back again. They have a narrow vision and just can't connect the dots. It's not at all like when you sit down and shoot the breeze with a bunch of grad students from UCLA, for example, the kind of debates you get into with people in the first world are a level above the kind of conversation you're going to get from the so-called educated or intellectual class down here. Anyway, down here, if you want, you can have all the great conversation you can possibly muster, but you're going to have it 99% of the time with expats and foreigners. And that's just the way it is because outside their own careers in specific fields, Latins have a very superficial knowledge of everything else. And of course, again, I'm generalizing here. There are a lot of really brilliant Latin men and women, but it seems like the ones that

[15:15] can really give you a run for your money, well, they went to undergrad or graduate school up in the first world. Ain't that a coincidence? So it's not the people, it's the educational system. And I know what some of you people are thinking out there. How can Johnny say that the Latin culture doesn't produce profound thinkers when you got all those Nobel Prize winners that came out of Latin America? Well let me dispel that little myth. Since Nobel Prizes started in 1901, there have been over 800 of them given out. And only 14 of them went to Latin Americans, which is less than 2% of all Nobel Prizes given out. And as for Nobel Prize distribution among the Latins, five were given out for peace, five for literature, which leaves only four Nobel Prizes given out for Latins and the hard sciences.

[16:01] And three of those prizes went to Argentines and one of them went to a Mexican. So think of it, less than 2% of all the Nobel Prizes went to Latin Americans? What a pathetic and miserable and in fact embarrassing showing. Especially considering that Latin America has about a half a billion people, which is more than a third bigger than the population of the United States. But intelligent Latins, when cornered about this, and believe me I cornered a few, will always brag about their literary people and their poets. And of course they do have some outstanding literary figures. But again, if you happen to look at any of the lists of the 100 greatest books of all time, you'll find that famous Latin authors only show up one or two times on any of those lists. With of course Don Quixote always being up in the top ten, but the author wasn't from

[16:48] Central or South America, he was from Spain. And although that counts as a Latin triumph, it's not a Latin American triumph, because Spain is not in Latin America. Uh, I knew that. And along with the truly crappy educational system they have down here, at all levels, the people down here just don't read books. Oh sure, they have bookstores and libraries and book conventions, and they even have authors doing book tours reading their own stuff. But 99% of the people who write and publish books down here don't make a living at it, and have to have a real job on the side. And the public libraries are pathetic too. You walk in and it's like walking back in time, back to the 1950s. Not only are the book selections way outdated, in most places you're not even allowed to check out the books, you have to read them in the library.

[17:34] Because when they did try that lending experiment some years ago, no one brought the books back. And the truth is, Latins who do have money, they love to display their books on shelves, so all their visitors assume they have culture and taste. But these people don't read those books, they just buy them and put them there. And like I mentioned in a past show, middle class and lower middle class parents love to show off that 22 volume set of Encyclopedia Britannica, that they bought on time over two years of payments, and now they're sitting on the bookshelf gathering mold and dust next to the TV and the DVD player. So all their visitors can see that they care about their young children's minds, and that they can afford a set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Which in Latin America is a touch of class in a lower income home.

[18:21] But the problem is, after the initial honeymoon period, the kids never crack them open. And worse yet, with that kind of money they could have bought their kids a computer, and have unlimited access to Google and Wikipedia. So how smart is that? It kind of gives you an idea of what's really going on in the brain of the average parent down here. Not much. But I really shouldn't be so hard on the Latins and their reading habits. Because I know a lot of parents up in the States, who aren't much better. But down here, the lack of general knowledge, even in the so-called educated population, is epidemic. In fact, sometimes when I'm at parties down here, when I'm really bored, I do an unofficial poll. And I ask a young guy or gal, someone who's been out in the workforce, and has graduated from college down here, to tell me the title of the last book that they read for pleasure.

[19:10] And believe it or not, 9 out of 10 times, they all tell me, oh they just don't have time to read books. And that the last book that they read was assigned to them back in college. They just don't read books. But they sure know how to text message. Okay, you might say we have the same problem up in the first world too. Well it's true that people are reading less and less up there, and the book publishing business is having some huge upheavals right now. But with the advent of e-books in Kindle and iPad, there's now a brand new market now that so many physical books have been transferred to electronic media. And thousands of first world authors are still making a good living writing books, and some of the best sellers are making millions. So up north at least, for thousands of authors, writing a book is not a labor of love, where you're probably going to lose money and you have to have a real job on the side if you

[19:58] want to eat. Which is exactly the way things are for 99.9% of all the authors down in Latin America. And the reason for that of course is, 99% of the population doesn't read books. And add back to the fact that Spanish language books are very expensive compared to books in the first world. So a huge percentage of the population can't afford to buy them. But it's a catch-22, because if more people bought books, the price would go down due to volume sales. But that's basic Adam Smith supply and demand economics. And like I said before, they don't know anything about economics down here either. Just like in the first world. So what else do I miss about the first world? Well I miss a few of my favorite restaurants up north, some of my family up there and friends, but not all of them.

[20:44] Because you know you can't pick your relatives, and there are always a few that you can only take for about two or three minutes at a time. And I also miss some of the order and cleanliness of the general state of things in the first world. I mean I like a clean public bathroom, and I like the fact that you know before you even walk in there, there's going to be toilet paper, running water, and a good likelihood that there will be paper towels. And I like the fact that in the bathrooms up north, you can put used toilet paper in the toilet and flush it. And there's no sign on the wall saying, please put your used toilet paper in the garbage can. You know I've been 20 years down here and I still have a hard time getting used to that. But old habits die hard so I still put my used toilet paper in the toilet. I don't care what the sign says. And another thing I miss about the first world is those good, safe bridges and roads.

[21:33] Roads up there that actually have guardrails, painted center lines, and signs telling you to slow down when there's a deer crossing or a steep curve ahead. And I know everybody's saying that the infrastructure up north is falling apart. Well, that might be, but it's still a thousand percent better than it is down here. And I also miss cars, buses, and trucks that don't lay down a choking smokescreen every time they take off from a dead stop. And I also miss cars with working headlights and taillights, which comes in handy at night, especially when the guy in front of you slams on his brakes, and you rear end him because you didn't know he was there in the first place. And I also dearly miss people who obey the traffic laws. And I miss having electric power 24-7. And I miss that when a road maintenance crew repairs a hole, it lasts more than three weeks.

[22:21] And I also miss the fact that up in the first world, people show up on time. And when they tell you they're going to do something or be somewhere, you can generally count on it. I do miss that. And I also miss going for a Sunday ride, seeing homeowners outside manicuring their lawns, pruning their trees, tending to their gardens, and men outside in their driveways washing and polishing their cars. Because down here, you'll never see any of that. It'll be the gardener, the cleaning lady, and the bodyguard doing that kind of work. And their hearts won't be in it, that's for sure. And if the family's poor or middle class, those kind of details never get done. And it shows. And I miss not being able to own a really nice car. Not that I can't afford one, but I can't afford to have my radio stolen four times in one year or in fact the car itself stolen.

[23:06] And I miss the fact that people have parking lot etiquette. They don't open their doors and ding your paint job or put their groceries or Coke cans on your car's hood while they're digging through their pockets looking for their own keys. Another thing I miss about the states is the food safety issue. You can buy organic food up there, and when you read the labels, you know what you're getting. At least you think you do. But down here, there's no such assurance. And I miss the fact that the United States has health inspectors, and as deficient as they might be, at least they have them up there. And I miss the fact that up north, they actually have building inspectors that come out to your project to make sure you're building according to your blueprints. And I miss the fact that up in the US, you can actually walk up to a cop, ask him for some help, and he'll gladly oblige, and he won't even ask you for any money.

[23:53] And I miss the fact that up in the first world, if I have a problem with my gas, electric, phone, or other utilities, the maintenance people will be out there that day to fix it. Not in two weeks, a month, or never. And another thing I miss about the first world is opening up a tap and seeing good clean water. Not that I'd ever drink it, actually. And though it might look good and clean, I'm sure it isn't. But at least it's not brown, mucky, and intermittent like it is down here. And though this might sound odd and a bit disgusting, but I actually miss first world sewage treatment plants, and first world garbage disposal services, and the enforcement of the Clean Water Act. In fact, the Clean Water Act I miss. And I miss it every time I take a drive down here, and I see raw sewage flowing out of pipes and into rivers and lakes from industrial sites and residential communities.

[24:43] And I miss being able to call my local municipal street department and bitch about a big crater in the asphalt, or a dead dog, cat, or deer, because I know if I bitch long enough, they'll fix it in two or three days. And down here? Forget about it. You're better off buying a patch kit and doing it yourself. And as for that dead dog, cat, or deer, well, not to worry, they have very big vultures down here. And another thing I miss about the United States is the ability to take a walk or ride my bike, or take a bus or subway or commuter train, and feel absolutely safe and not be bothered any time of night or day in most of the places in my town, within limits of course. And another thing I miss is the dog catcher. And I miss him at least once a week, every time that mangy pack of wild dogs comes around

[25:28] and rips into my garbage on the curb. And I miss the fact that up in the first world, they have animal shelters, so if you lose your dog, your cat, your iguana, your snake, or whatever, you just might find him down there or hook up with a brand new unwanted pet. Because down here, if you lose a pet, he is lost for good. And worse yet, he just might be somebody's lunch. And another thing I miss about the first world, though it might sound strange, is the fact that they have a social safety net. And I'm not thinking about myself here, but I'm thinking about a social safety net in general. Every time I drive through one of the busier sections of town down here, and a half dozen shoeless little beggar kids run up to my car and fight over who's going to clean my windshield for 10 cents. And that's when I miss that safety net. And I miss those good old first world holidays, like Christmas and New Year's and Thanksgiving

[26:18] and Memorial Day, Halloween and the 4th of July. And although in every big Latin American town, they have those expat bars, where all the gringos and foreigners get together to get drunk, tell lies, and pick up a date. And those expat bars always make a special point of having a theme party shindig on an American or European national holiday. But it's never quite the same. How could it be? There's still nothing like a good old U.S. holiday celebration with your family and friends right in your own hometown. Now I've covered quite a few things that me and a lot of expats miss down here. Things that we were very accustomed to up in the first world. And all of us expats have made our allowances and have had to get used to it. But tune in to next week's show because I'm going to give you a list of the things I absolutely

[27:03] don't miss about living in the first world. And even though there are certain things you have up in the first world that we don't have down here, just remember that millions of expats have cashed in everything up north and decided to move down here for a better life. Now you have to figure there'd be a lot of good reasons to make a big move like that. We can't all be nuts. And next week, you'll find out why we're a lot better off than most of you are. And when the next shoe drops in this worldwide financial crisis, you'll be wishing you were down here too. You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. And don't forget you can email me on anything at all about Latin America. The Expat Files at gmail.com. That's the expat files at gmail.com.

[27:51] See you next time. Nos vemos.