#665 – The Expat Files: Jamaica, Seminars, and Expatriate Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right, before I get into a very cool boots on the ground story this email from Nelson He says bravo Johnny and all your truth-telling and your conservative down-to-earth witty approach to things I'm a longtime student of expatriation myself and have many friends who've escaped the United States for chili or ague

[00:49] Panama, etc Then he says please send me the link to info on gold and silver you mentioned at about 11 35 minutes Into your show number 605 while showing an IRS form 8300 also he says do you have an opinion on Jamaica a friend here says it's wonderful and wants to show me around on his Next visit then he says my mother. Thanks you my father. Thanks you my brother. Thanks you my sister Thanks you and my parole officer. Thanks you Actually, he didn't say that Jimmy Cagney said that in Yankee Doodle Dandy But Nelson actually typed out three Capitalized thank yous in a row. Well, thanks for that Nelson. Okay, and in response I have to say that you're asking me to send you some link from show 604 and I'm on show

[01:37] 668 now, I think well, we're talking over 50 shows ago. All right as Ricky Ricardo might say Let me explain something to you to all you listeners Actually once in a while and show I'll say there's some kind of link or free report that I'll send to you But you guys have to act fast on that at least within a couple of weeks of the time the broadcast goes out because you know This might sound strange, but after I do a show I never listen to it again ever Well, not ever sometimes someone says you go back and listen to show number so-and-so cuz you insulted someone or said the f-word Anyway, it has to be someone pointing out something weird like that for me to go back and check Meaning if I do offer a reporter a book or a link or something like that You kind of have to jump on it within a couple of weeks while my memory is still fresh, you know

[02:22] But there is a solution coming to that fact I just had a meeting the other day with a couple of IT movers and shakers and such and I know I've been promising for A long time that they'll finally be some kind of keyword search for all my shows Like I said, I've got around six hundred and sixty something that means back-to-back over 300 hours of my Babylon and because there are so many hours of content people are constantly Emailing me saying things like wouldn't it be nice if for example I could type in the word beliefs and pull up every time you mention beliefs on one of your shows Wow Don't you know that would be great? It would be more than greater would be extra cool And I've had a half a dozen people offer to go through all my shows and punch in the keywords and come up with a Gigantic list like that, but so far everyone seems to have pooped out at around show 200 or so

[03:13] Ah, but there is life at the end of the tunnel. Did I say life? I meant light and life. I guess. Oh, so anyway After my July 2017 seminar, which kicks off in about a month from now I'm seriously thinking of setting up a membership site in along with that membership Looks like I might be posting every single one of those six hundred and sixty-some shows also thinking about possibly Transcribing every single one of them too And if that happens you can read them and pick them apart and do keyword searches right from those word or PDF Documents in whatever format they come out in because you see if I get them all transcribed Then no one has to go through the drudgery of listening to every show and picking out the keywords You can just pick your own keywords and do a search anyway

[03:59] All that's in the works because I do get a lot of emails from people mentioning past shows that I have no idea I even did god. I hope that Alzheimer's cure comes pretty soon. Anyway, just to let you know I'm working on it and that a possible membership sites coming soon. Think about it Wouldn't that be nice being able to plug in a word like Nickerog or Belize or cosmetic surgery? Residency drivers licenses even the retired asheans and be able to search all the related shows and have instant access All right, just to give you a little preview what's to come there and Nelson mentions at the end of his email Wonderful, Jamaica. Yes, Jamaica. I Never recommend Jamaica except for a nice package all-inclusive deal. It's a very very dangerous place

[04:46] I've been there a number of times. Of course, it has a very cool history Errol Flynn used to live there and so did many old Hollywood and Broadway greats in the 40s 50s and 60s For example, Ian Fleming who created James Bond and Noah Coward who wrote all those tremendous Broadway plays And the island's most favorite son Bob Marley, of course Now I went down there and took the Bob Marley tour and got the biggest run around of my life I'm telling you once you leave your beautiful gated guarded all-inclusive hotel complex, man You just better dress way down and hold on your wallet seems like everyone's out to take you Remember Jamaica is one of the very first Caribbean islands that became a tourist destination Starting way back in the 40s 50s and 60s

[05:32] So the natives are very adept at skinning foreigners, especially gringos By the way, if you go on the Bob Marley tour and visit his house and studio You'll see the neighborhoods are real dump and quite scary looking not to mention everyone and I mean everyone's got their hand out on top Of that. I've never seen such a diminished personal space problem I mean everywhere you go people are rubbing against you bumping into you most of the time to see if you got anything That's not tied down on your person so they can snatch it and all the taxi drivers will try to scam you They've all got a brother or brother-in-law who owns a restaurant They want to take you to instead of the one you really want to go to oh and unless you're hanging around close by your hotel Or resort you don't want to get in a taxi at night for that matter You don't want to walk around unless you're in a big crowd at night either

[06:18] Oh, there are some very cool natural and ecological sites to see Waterfalls jungle pristine wading pools, but they've got that almost everywhere else in the Caribbean and Latin America So why do people go to Jamaica then well because it's solidly on the tourist trail and everyone speaks English same reason they go to Belize well isn't that convenient by the way? It's the home of reggae music Being a long time be great musician myself and having spent some time in recording studios with some well-known recording artists Who I won't mention right now Seems like all the ones I've ever spoken to have made the trek down to Jamaica because it's the mystical magical home of reggae Specifically Kingston and Trenchtown both places dangerous dumps only really put on the map because Bob Marley

[07:03] Talked about them in interviews and sang about them in songs and Trenchtown is an absolute slum But Bob Marley's old stomping grounds even so Trenchtown is a must-see destination for Musical first-worlders on a reggae pilgrimage in fact a while back when I visited the place myself I ran into a couple of rock and rollers and some rap and hip-hop guys from New York by the way I generally don't use the words music or musician in the same sentence as rap and hip-hop Anyway, every musician I've ever spoken to who's made that track down to Jamaica They have plenty to say when they get back home and it ain't good And you know a lot of first world musicians go down there to record in those same Studios that Marley used trying to suck up some of that classic reggae vibe right from the source

[07:48] And they all pretty much say the same thing They meet some very good musicians and very likable Jamaicans and they always get ripped off Some of them have even had tens of thousands of dollars worth of recording equipment and musical instruments stolen right out from under them That even happened to Paul McCartney No respect, huh? So how's that happen? Well musicians who've kind of made it especially ones with an entourage leave everything to their managers and handlers and the musicians themselves They're notorious for inviting people They don't know right into the studio not to mention the hang and go bar and house hopping with people They just met too and believe me in a place like Jamaica. That's a very bad move So musicians always want to make that trip to the reggae Mecca and they all come back talking about what a great musical

[08:35] Experience it was aside from all the lies and the BS and the petty theft Oh and not to mention I know a couple of guys from the garment district in New York who ran Maquilas in Jamaica, they tell exactly the same stories In fact, one of them told me he had to hire guards to watch the guards at his factories because he said if you don't Everything starts disappearing So Nelson, there's my opinion of Jamaica. I've been there It's a nice place to take a vacation or stop for a day on a cruise But that's about it. Of course, there's probably a lot of other expat gringos and such you've had good even great experiences in Jamaica Of course, I haven't heard any of those stories, but I'm sure they're out there Alright since we're hitting emails here, let me finish up another couple of them. This one's from the Alti Plano Drifter He says hey, Johnny, just heard your latest show. What's a small novel, but you're a good reader

[09:25] Everything about teaching English to the little brown people All right. It's me Johnny. Well in a word. No, although I have great respect for good teachers I've had a few in my day I have absolutely zero patience for kids Which is why it takes a lot for me to keep my mouth shut in restaurants when Idiot wealthy Latins bring in their entitled kids and they're running around all over the place Raising their voices and demanding attention from their parents and everyone else in the place. Hmm sound familiar Now other Latins who are dining would never think of reprimanding a kid like that because here in Latin America We have a nice reserved Non-confrontational culture, you know, but not me I can be confrontational and sometimes I do let them have it and man

[10:10] Let me tell you that's when the parents really crapped the whip on those kids I mean, come on having your kids shushed and reprimanded in a restaurant by a gringo man That's embarrassing not for me for them You know what every time I've done that the rest of the patrons in the restaurant kind of give me the nod You know good work gringo wish I'd have done that But unfortunately, you see restaurants here in Latin America are only frequented by people with a little bit of money and that means surely they have maids and nannies and their kids are more often than not entitled princes and Princesses and for some reason parents like to drag them to restaurants along with the maid and the nanny that way just like at home The parents don't have to deal with it I can't tell you how many times I've been in a nice restaurant and the entourage comes in course

[10:58] There's a bodyguard in the parking lot, too Mom and dad dress just like first-world gringos Followed by a couple of loud disruptive youngsters with expensive gadgets even iPhones followed by the maid and the nanny who are easy to spot Because they're wearing their colorful indigenous outfits. I mean, come on talk about a totally unnecessary Display of the class system that's life at the high end in Latin America So get used to it, but back to the LT Plano drifters email. He says Johnny Why have you not chosen to have a seminar with say 50 people or more? All right, it's me Johnny again Well, I've found that if you have more than 25 people, it's not personalized enough nor very mobile Of course with a smaller group We all become friends and have a much tighter connection then let's say if we had 50 people or more

[11:47] Just think of those international living seminars where they've got a couple of hundred people Seems like everyone who's ever gone to one of those is told me they were Disappointed. All right about the seminar since this show is going out on June 4th You've got a little over a month to sign up for my July seminar Just go to www.thenewexpect.com and click on Johnny's seminar link and since we're a little over a month away You can still easily get all your paperwork done if you want apply for Guatemalan temporary or permanent Residency at the very same time you're down for the seminar It takes about a month on the outside To get the necessary paperwork together up in New York State to start the residency application process down here While you're at the new expat.com

[12:33] Checking out the seminar link you'll see information about those famous John Galt pre and post seminar trips I always highly recommend them even more so if you're thinking about doing business in Latin America I guarantee you after you've taken one or both of those trips You'll have way too many business ideas Now if you can't get boots on the ground or come to my seminar You really need to take my expat essentials course you get your three free introductory videos to the nine-hour course by going to www.expatplanb.com and don't forget the triple dub preface or you might not get there So by all means check out my expat essentials course Don't reinvent the wheel get a game plan and a blueprint for your own plan B with my expat essentials course

[13:21] Oh, and by the way, a lot of people are doing one-on-one phone consultations with me so if you're stuck and need some personal guidance with your own plan B, just download my phone consultation form at www.thenewexpat.com fill it out send it back and we'll Skype or get on the phone and work things out by the way I suggest all you listeners download that consultation form because there are questions and talking points on it You just may not have been thinking about or considered before check it out download it There's no obligation to do a phone call, but you will find what it says very interesting Oh, and I've mentioned on this showing previous shows that on the outside It takes about a month to get to paperwork necessary to start the permanent or temporary residency process in Guatemala or pretty much any Latin

[14:06] country, but Some gringos and expats have actually gotten the whole process done in a day even within a couple of hours Listen to this this comes from Kiefer who's coming to the July seminar and is getting his residency paperwork processed as we speak He says Johnny you won't believe this You're talking about how it could take a month to get all your paperwork done here in the States. Well, I just did it I found out that Tucson, Arizona for sure must be the easiest place in the whole USA to do it I still can't believe it. The one thing all of the offices I had to go to are located within walking distance and the police station where I had to go for my police Good conduct report is two blocks south of the downtown library and the Secretary of State's office to get the documents

[14:57] Authorized and certified is only three blocks west of the library Best of all the Guatemalan Consulate office where the paperwork finally has to get stamped is right across the street From the library on the seventh floor of a business building Since it's a small office the people in there are very nice and it's not very busy at all I just walked in and got my paperwork done within 15 minutes So the whole thing took one day heck I could surely have done it in a half a day So I'm done and I'll be in Guatemala in July All right Meet Johnny again You see some people can get all that stuff done in a half a day or a day while others it takes a month So I'll remind you again that you've got a nice one month long window of opportunity

[15:44] If you're planning on getting your residency and coming to the seminar at the same time All right. Let's finish up that email from the altiplinal drifter He says Johnny a question might you say that 80% of the real food in those big markets in places like Guatemala City? Antigua and surrounding areas. I might add in most all of Latin America come from local growers Not of course including American junk food that the trucks bring in Would you guess that a large percentage is mostly organic or mostly covered in Monsanto poisons, etc? Well, it's me Johnny. Mr. Drifter. I mentioned this in a couple of past shows Almost all of the produce you see at those big Latin markets is coming in from small and medium sized truck farms Within about a 20 to 30 mile radius now

[16:33] You do see more and more produce coming in on big trucks shipped in from other Latin American countries For example, Chile They're starting to send a lot of perfectly formed oranges and apples like the ones consumers insist on having up in the states You know the ones that look good picture perfect and tastes like cardboard now I've found that oftentimes the uglier the fruit is on the outside the tastier It is on the inside and that's the stuff that gets sold in these big markets In fact, you should see some of these amazing Giant tangerines that show up in the market about four months out of the year They truly look like they're covered with horrible tumors But inside they're an amazing bright orange and perfect and the taste well beyond belief believe me

[17:19] They're never gonna find an outside market for those things. They're just too damn ugly For prime time, which is perfectly okay with me when they're in season I buy them 50 at a time and you can peel one in 10 seconds with just your little finger No, undue pressure or utensils needed at all In fact many years ago when I first saw these things being sold in the market I looked at them and thought people eat these things Until my cleaning lady no less urged me to try one and man that was it I'm hooked on those things for those of you watching this on YouTube I hope I can get a picture of one of those malignant looking things up there for you But back to mr. Drifter's question about Monsanto and toxins in the food here It's true the locals with the small and medium truck farms do use fertilizer though

[18:05] Most of them still rely on what they call good old abono That would be what's colloquially known as chicken poop So when you walk into an agricultural store out in the boonies tienes called agra pecarios They'll have the usual nitrogen based fertilizers even some of that crap Monsanto stuff or more likely a crap generic clone of a clone of Monsanto junk But they'll also have giant 50 and a hundred pound sacks of chicken poop And the truth is the people with the small farms and the truck farmers kind of just eke out a living You can tell by the beat-up trucks they have and the clothes they wear and the shacks they live in yep by our standards They're poor, but they eat well Like expat Eddie always says do you expect these guys to shell out good dough to buy a sack of first world priced?

[18:53] Monsanto crap the fact is they'll do everything and anything to go natural and avoid buying that junk now Of course, they'd use it if they got it for free Hey, you know the Latin mentality if it's from the first world and must be good right because they don't know any better But man, it costs first world dough. Hey, and I'm not saying it doesn't happen at all I mean you see it in the store So somebody must be using it But if you notice it occupies a very small place on the shelves which should tell you a lot and really through the grapevine You find out that it's only around election time that people get sacks of free fertilizer and stuff That's when local farmers win the lottery courtesy of the political party that stamped all over it who by the way got it for free from idiot first world do-gooders and

[19:39] NGOs so what I'm saying is the big markets are loaded with mostly local produce though not long ago I was in a big market, and I saw something that kind of scared me right alongside the local Garlic bulb sellers who are people selling Chinese garlic bulbs complete with Chinese letters on the wrapper man How'd that happen and the Chinese brand is cheaper? So is the food in the big markets down here contaminated or not? Well, there's certainly some fertilizing and spraying going on but nowhere near like up in the States If you're really worried about that kind of stuff you can do what so many gringo expats do you just make a big old? Tropical garden out of your backyard. That's what I do and my maintenance guy slash gardener tends to this stuff about once a week He has his little tricks

[20:25] He has a sack of a bono chicken poop and once a year he picks up a little 10 pound sack of little white beads Obviously some kind of nitrogen based chemical fertilizer once a year before the rainy season He works it into the soil around the roots of most fruit trees He says to give him a boost so they produce more fruit So that's his method and oddly enough. There's no pesticide use Oh, and did I tell you every time you see a little guy walking around with a machete? That's a guy who knows his gardening and as for pesticides I'm sure they use them here and there but not prophylactically However, if there's some kind of what they call a Plaga, which is a plague of insects or fungus or whatever Well, they've got pesticides for that kind of stuff, but take it from me

[21:10] It's only used as a last resort though Sometimes you see even the big market some fruits like papayas with a dust or a coating on them You know, they've been sprayed with something. So then just ask. All right upset about that Here's that boots on the ground story. I was telling you about just about two weeks ago I was in a really big hardware store Remember I'm way off the gringo tourist trail and almost always and way off the gringo tourist trail Anyway, I'm walking around love hardware stores and I see this big tall gringo guy in the plumbing aisle first of all That's something you rarely see off the gringo tourist trail a gringo that is which should be self-explanatory and you know, I'm way past the point of going up to a Gringo I might see and say hey, what do you know a fellow gringo? Where are you from and all that? Nope?

[21:58] That's green gringo tourist trail stuff, you know Practically every gringo you sit next to hey, where you from what you're doing down here. Anyway, I was Going about my own business until I noticed the guy had a Chicago Cubs tattoo on his shoulder I'm not kidding. Yeah, you know the cubbies perpetual losers until what this year They finally won a pennant first time in like 71 years. Come on. I'm from Chicago So I had to talk to the guy an extreme cub fan obviously from Chicago when he said yep I said, oh man Wrigley Field that brings back memories Turns out this guy's working for one of those do-gooder NGO groups You know the ones I say never to contribute to the ones that make fun of all the time The ones that have all those heartbreaking first-world commercials saying give your money to us and will improve the lives of the wretched poor

[22:49] Yeah, I know how that is It's 20% for the poor and 80% for the management and I don't care how many emails I get from people saying no It's not like that Jenny. Well, it is I'm down here and I can prove it to you However, I'm not gonna jump into that toilet bowl with the guy. I just met speaking of toilet bowls That's why he was in the hardware store Turns out he bought a nice house in the neighborhood in a nice gated guarded subdivision Hmm. How's that happen when you're a selfless do-gooder working for an NGO? Obviously not living in a tin shack in the Pueblo with his constituents, but I digress as usual anyway Apparently even though his do-gooder NGO is building solar outhouses for Jesus or something like that He hasn't learned much about construction himself because you see his new house has a maids quarters that wasn't quite finished off yet

[23:34] It didn't have a sink in a toilet and he was in that hardware store to get the toilet and the sink So the plumber can install it. So how's that strike you a guy running a selfless NGO? Living in an upscale gated guarded community with a maids quarters Hmm, but so do I and most of my gringo friends so scratch that so anyway this guy had picked out his sink and toilet and the little hardware store attendant that was following around said Do you also want the ring to attach the Inno doro? That's the toilet to the floor or just the impact. That would be the thick wax seal You put down on the floor and then you drop the toilet on it in order to make a nice tight seal with the sewer pipe When you flush and with that the gringo look kind of flustered He didn't know how to quite answer and I jumped in to help him out. Why not? I said down here. They installed just the impact the big wax gasket

[24:22] Then they shoved the toilet on and they use silicone caulk around the rim In a couple hours that hardens up nice and tight, but that's not really good enough and it's against first-world code They do it down here all the time. Why because it saves the 10 bucks you have to spend for the mounting ring So get the mounting ring and the gasket. The guy said oh, I didn't know that thanks and the guy obviously not very Knowledgeable or mechanically inclined don't know what he was doing running an NGO Anyway, he looked at me like is this it this all I need I said Yeah, but wait and I turned to the little helper guy and I said this is a mounting ring for a three-inch drain pipe You have any four-inch ones and he looked at me funny and said that's all you need That's standard and I said no I'm mounting for a four-inch drain pipe is standard

[25:10] So I said to the gringo what you have to do now is you got to go back to your house And you got to take a tape measure and measure the opening of the floor drain for the toilet See if it's three or four inches The gringo said okay, but he says it's standard then maybe I should just get the three-inch one and I said buddy if it's three inches You're kind of screwed and in the same boat as 95% of everyone else here in Latin America That means you won't be able to put your toilet paper down the toilet Which is why almost all Latin houses have a trashcan where you put your toilet paper and how disgusting huh? He said yeah I know I've seen it a million times I said you know when a gringo builds a house down here He almost never insists on four-inch drain pipes because he doesn't know anything about sizing Contractors will put in three-inch even two-inch drain pipes because smaller pipes are cheaper and they can save money that way

[25:59] Then I said to the helper if he buys the three-inch one now And it doesn't fit can he bring it back and get the four they said yeah as long as he brings it back today So the guy went away with the three-inch one and sure enough couple days later I ran into the guy at the local Walmart. He shook his head and said yep Three inches alright. I'm screwed. I said no not necessarily You'd be really screwed if you had two-inch pipes I said just go easy on the toilet paper and whatever else goes down their toilet You know where I'm coming from so there you have it one of the things gringles and expats never know about until they finally Bought or rented a house So when you build a house insist on first world codes even though third world countries have adapted first world codes Still builders will cut corners all over the place

[26:45] Which is why you must make a visit to your building site every day or two or have a gringo in the know do it for You or make your architect go every couple days and inspect and insist no material substitutes or replacements allowed By the way, I've always thought that would be a great business opportunity for a gringo open up a little building and construction Inspection site business that would be especially useful to people who are looking to buy an existing property And of course if you're looking to buy one of those famous Obras in Greece You know a project that was started and abandoned due to lack of funds, etc By the way more and more those Obras in Greece are showing up all over the place since we're right at the terminal stage Of the biggest real estate bubble Latin America has ever seen

[27:36] The expat files living in Latin America if you want me to help you out with your own plan B Just schedule a one-on-one consult. Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to learn how to move forward with your own plan B from right up there in the states go to www.expatplanb.com and check out my three videos. See ya nos vemos