#68 – The Expat Files: Life, Love, and Living in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:12] Hi everybody, I'm Johnny Mueller, and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America, the one of a kind show that tells you what it's like to live, work, play, and or retire in Latin America, so let's get started. If you remember, in my last show I talked about what expats in myself really miss about the United States and the First World, and what we really don't miss about it. Now after I did that show, I had a little get-together with about a half a dozen expat friends of mine at one of those popular touristy expat bars that I always recommend you should stay away from. But even I end up wandering into them once in a while, when I want to get some broad-based

[00:58] expat opinions, sometimes on the emails you guys send me, and sometimes just to catch up on the expat and the embassy gossip. And sooner or later we got to talking about that list that I gave you in the last show, about what expats in myself miss and don't miss about the First World. And just like I figured, because a lot of my expat friends are really smart guys and gals, as well as smart asses, well naturally they ended up pointing out a few First World things that they miss and don't miss that never made it on my list. And I have to mention that in that group of expats at that expat bar, the group kept changing throughout the night with people coming and going, but there were about three expat women who ended up giving me a piece of their mind for quite a long time, and more or less seven or eight expat guys doing all the talking.

[01:43] So that was my sample group for what I'm about to tell you. Now I have to mention too that all of these expats do get back to the States or Europe or Canada or New Zealand or Australia, at least once every two years, and they're all very good observers. And there seem to be a consensus between all of them, that when they go back to the First World, especially to Europe and the United States, there's kind of an underlying thread of unhappiness through the whole population, and that's what they're picking up on. And it's not that no one is smiling or having a good time up there, it's just that so many people seem a little distracted and distressed, though they put on a happy face it's a bit obvious that things aren't quite like they were five, ten, fifteen, or more years ago. Where back then you could tell there was still some kind of optimism left in the middle classes, when parents actually believed that their kids had a great chance of success once they

[02:32] got out of college or technical school and went out into the world to make their mark. In fact, every one of the expats I talked to that night had some kind of a depressing story about how on their latest trip back home they visited some relative or friend whose life was going along just fine that previous time they'd visited, and now things seem to be coming apart at the seams. For example, when a 35 year old kid who previously had a good job and got laid off or cut back, who's now moved himself, his wife, and his kids back in with his parents, and now by some strange twist of fate, suddenly he's back in that little bed his mommy once bought for him, and sleeping in the same little room he had till he was 18 and left for college. Now I said back like that to any baby boomer or gen xer would be an embarrassing humiliation.

[03:19] Depressing scenes like these seem to be becoming more and more normal up in the first world. So in effect expats down here are telling me that they used to look forward to those little trips back up to the United States, but now in the last year or two, going back even for a quick visit to the friends or relatives is getting to be pretty depressing. And the odd thing is the vast majority of expats that I know down here tell me that their style and standard of living hasn't dropped one iota while living down here in the third world. In fact, if anything, their standard of living has increased. And now more than ever, they look on their move down to the third world and becoming permanent expats as one of the single best things that they've done in their lives. Okay enough said about that, but now let me add to that list of what expats don't miss

[04:05] about the first world based on talking to more than a half dozen male expats now. And this time it's about one of everyone's favorite subjects, love and romance. Now what so many average looking and average earning male expats say they don't miss about the first world is that when they used to live up there, they really didn't have much of a chance in the romance and love department, especially when they had their sights set high and they'd approach a popular good looking girl for a date or a romantic interlude. Because you see, according to the average expat guy, he and every first world guy up north always seem to fall in love with women way out of their class. And everybody knows up in the first world anyway, popular good looking girls don't much go for average guys. They've got higher standards than that and a lot more options available because they're

[04:53] good looking. And the average guy, well in the end, no matter how many times he tries to hook up with a popular good looking girl, he gets rejected so many times that he ends up lowering his standards because if he doesn't see the light eventually, he'll end up being a depressed loner. That is, unless he's very lucky or his dad owns Microsoft. And you know, I have to admit, I had a bit of that problem too. When I was up in the first world as a younger guy, I always fell in love with girls out of my class. But you know, once you come down here to the third world and you become a full time expat, you realize that none of the ladies are out of your class. And in fact, if you consider yourself a five on the ten scale, a kind of an average lug. The second you touch down at a Latin American airport by a certain kind of magic, you can actually add two or even three points to that depressingly average five points that

[05:42] you rated in a looks and popularity scale up in the first world. Now all of a sudden, you're a seven or an eight on that scale, simply due to the fact, like I've told you so many times before, that Latin Americans love and admire everything and anything that comes from the first world, including you and me and every other expat, whether we deserve it or not. And if you don't believe that kind of stuff happens, think about this example for a second. Any British man on vacation in the United States, no matter how bald, ugly, pasty, or how bad his teeth are, as soon as he opens his mouth with that British accent, suddenly every girl within spitting distance thinks he's Hugh Grant. Have I made my point, ladies? Now I'll go into much greater detail on love and romance in Latin America on a future show, probably a lot of future shows.

[06:30] And in fact, I've actually written an entire book on it called The Expat Files Guide to Love and Romance in Latin America. And though the book's not out yet, in the future I'll be making some of those chapters available to all you listeners for free. So stay tuned and I'll give you the details on that. And about that book, it's actually based on interviews and true stories from over 200 expats who've been involved in love and romance, including marriage and divorce down here in Latin America. And you'll see it from both angles, both male and female. Now not to pat myself on the back, but to quote people in the know who have read the first draft, there's never really been a book like it. And I leave no stone unturned in the love and romance department. I cover every angle, believe me. And it's probably an understatement to say that you'll be both shocked and surprised

[07:16] when you read it. And if not, you'll get your money back. Oh yeah, and let's not forget women expats. The same thing happens when you land down here in the third world. You can add two or three points to your scale, too. So if you're a five, you're automatically a seven or an eight. Yes, and all you lady expats out there and lady expat wannabes is true. There are thousands and thousands of Antonio Bandetta's lookalikes out there just dying to hook up with a first world lady, even if she's overweight and plain. Because Latin guys prefer three things in their ladies, which almost all Latin American women don't have. They love light skin, brown or blonde hair, and green or blue eyes. They're not much turned on by dark skin, dark brown or black hair, or eyes that are dark brown or even black.

[08:02] And yes, I did say black eyes, and I don't mean getting a black eye, as in punched in the eye. But there are actually millions and millions of Latin girls and guys who have black eyes. And they call them ojos ascuros. And you'll find almost all those things I mentioned in Latin girls. Very dark hair, very dark eyes, and dark skin, which is exactly what so many expats love in the women down here. But for Latin guys, those traits are so commonplace that instead they much prefer that first world average American stereotype of the blonde, blue eyed, light skinned girl. Now let me explain to all you expat ladies out there that you don't need to have all three of those all American girl traits, blonde, blue or green eyed, and fair skinned. All you really need is one or two of those traits to hook your own Antonio Bandetta's

[08:48] or Enrique Iglesias, whatever you prefer. There's millions of those guys out there, believe me. So ladies, if you have light, average American skin, you're in. If you have light colored hair, you're in. If you have light colored eyes, you're in. Because you see, Latin men, including the very good looking ones, prefer to have light skin babies with light hair and light colored eyes. Because that's considered the height in beauty down here because it's so very rare. And of course, the only way for a Latin guy with his dark complexion and his dark hair and his dark eyes to have a light skin, light hair, light eyed baby, the kind that are so admired down here in Latin America, is to hook up with a first world woman. Because believe me, when that does happen and the baby does come out with some first world features like that, the whole Latin world treats that baby like a prince or a

[09:37] princess. For example, if a kid is born with blue or green eyes down here, it might sound strange, but that baby's going to have a huge leg up in life. And not only in love and romance, but in business and in friendships, and with favoritism in general. Yup, clear eyed babies, and that's what they call them, ojos clados, which means clear eyes. Babies like that have won the lottery, and in all walks of life, they automatically move to the head of the line. And that's why so many expats down here with fair hair, light skin, and clear eyes, or any one of the above, no matter how deficient they might be in the other physical and mental aspects of their lives. They often win what I like to call the Latin love lottery, which is something a common lug like me could never achieve with the higher class of ladies up in the first world.

[10:24] That is, unless I was in the movies, I was a rock star, sang like Pavarotti, or was filthy rich. And just so I don't sound too moronically superficial here, or even sexist, this romantic advantage that you automatically get as an expat living down here works equally well for women too. So there's no use fighting the fact that Latins would love to hook up with a first world person. Why would any expat object to that? And believe me, it's not about getting a green card either, although there will always be a small percentage of people angling for that. And to weed out those type of gold diggers, both male and female, I always recommend that expats, when they start a romantic relationship, they should make it understood that you live here now, you're an expat, you're not a first world backpacker on vacation, and you're not going back to the first world, because your life is down here in Latin America now, not

[11:13] up there. And if you hold a tough line and are serious about that, that'll discourage anyone that's just out for a green card. But I go into a lot more detail on how to weed out gold diggers in my book. But let me turn back to that special subject of having babies down here that are born with light skin and light hair, or clear eyes, or any combination of the above. Babies like that are considered the prize of a Latin family, and are forever the topic of discussion, especially among all the older women folk. And if you don't believe me, why do you think so many Latin women have their hair lightened a few shades, just like the ladies up in the first world? And what about that huge market in colored contact lenses, where the Latin girls go out and buy these things by the millions, to change the color of their dark eyes, to something

[11:59] that looks kind of like a fakish greener blue. Again, just to look like those North American ladies that they see on TV. It's a multi-million dollar business down here, and almost every young Latin girl I know has tried to change her eye color at least once. It's all the fashion down here, and it's all about trying to look like a European woman or a gringa, because that's what their local Latin boys prefer. Now let's take another example, did you ever notice in those Latin soap operas, and by the way I know those soap operas are so badly acted and idiotic, that no first world person or expat would ever watch him in his right mind. But you have to have noticed when flipping through the channels, that they do exist and that nearly all the principal players have blond hair, light colored eyes and light skin, and that the heavies, or the bad guys, are always the stereotypical Latin composino with

[12:47] dark skin, black hair, and very dark eyes. But let me clue you in on something, less than 1% of the people down here look like the protagonist, or principal stars in these Latin soap operas. The people that they select for those roles have almost no real Latin blood, and it's just another great example of just how crazy Latin Americans are for anything first world, including crazy to the point of racism, and I've seen 100 examples of that. Including going so far as casting entire soap operas with people that look all American, with the only real difference being they're a lot more sexy, and they speak Spanish, not English. Anyway, those are the kind of topics I touch on in my new book, but let me get back to what my expat friends have said, concerning things they miss and things they don't miss

[13:32] about the first world. The consensus is that expats miss deposit insurance, you know, FDIC, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, that's supposed to guarantee and cover 100% of your deposits up to a limit, I think it's $200,000, if your banker fails or there's a run on it. Now lately up in the first world, in this unprecedented financial crisis, a lot of banks have failed, and the FDIC hasn't really been put to the test, because all these failed banks and their assets have been gobbled up and absorbed by other larger banks. So we'll have to see what's going to happen when the next shoe drops and the next big round of bank failures hits up north. The Feds will probably just kick the printing presses into high gear again, but they can't do that forever. And the reasons why expats say they miss the FDIC is because down here in Latin America,

[14:23] although they have laws where the governments are supposed to back up depositors when their bank fails, they almost never get 100% of their money back. And when they do get money back, it could take months and even years of running around, standing in lines, wasting hundreds of hours of time writing letters, hiring lawyers and going to court, and it's a big hassle and you almost never make out. So chalk one up for the FDIC, at least in principle. And that little group of partying expats at that expat bar mentioned another big thing that they miss was customer service. And man, do I have to agree with them there. Now up in the first world, there's so much competition in business and the profit margins are so thin because of so much price competition, one of the only ways to increase and maintain

[15:08] revenue and clients is to have great customer service and customer relations. And down here in the third world, the only businesses that even come halfway close to having good customer service, like in the first world, are franchises that have actually landed and have been transplanted down here from the first world, like Wendy's and McDonald's and Sears and Home Depot and Walmart. And when it comes to all the homegrown local businesses, customer service can be all over the map, but usually simply non-existent. It seems like in the majority of cases, they're just out to sell you something, take your money and get you out of the door. After that moment, you and the product they just sold you just don't exist anymore. As long as you're buying something, they're attentive. But if you walk into that store for any other reason, to ask questions, to get warranty

[15:55] repair or whatever, or even just to use the bathroom, you're considered a nuisance in someone they just don't have any time for. You're not looked upon as a future customer or client, someone you should keep happy and nurture along so you keep buying more products and refer your friends. It's not and never was a service culture. And even though all the universities down here have business administration departments and they offer courses on customer relations, the reality is it just doesn't sink in. That kind of mentality does not exist down here, except like I said, in those transnational first world franchises. But that general rule about good customer services and international franchises doesn't always hold true either. Especially after some time lapses and that first world franchise has been down here quite

[16:43] a while. Because what happens after a first world franchise first lands down here is that a first world training staff also comes down to whip the new workers into shape and teach them all the operational procedures and of course that includes a high standard of customer service. But what usually happens is this, after about six months or a year, after those first world trainers come down from the home office, train the people, and then are long gone, the locals left in charge down here, slowly but surely, slip back into their old third world ways, including and most obviously, bad customer service. And you know, I haven't just been told that by expats, I was told that by a Walmart executive down here, one of the persons actually in charge of the training sessions.

[17:30] And that's why now, some stores like Walmart send first world trainers and troubleshooters back into these stores every six months or so to crack the whip and get them back up to standards again. But the problem is you see, some of these first world franchises like McDonald's or Taco Bell, and by the way, they do have a lot of Taco Bells down here, and just as an aside, you have to admit that just the existence of thousands of Taco Bells in Latin America is another proof that Latin Americans are crazy about anything first world, no matter how bad it is. Because here I am in the very heart of Latin America, where they invented the tortilla, the burrito, and the taco, yet Taco Bell comes down, opens up all over the place, and somehow gets the Latin population hooked on synthetic third rate versions of the same kind of food

[18:17] that put Mexican and Latin American food on the map. And to me and most expats I know, Taco Bell food tastes like something pre-digested and better served to toothless people in nursing homes or to people with dementia that can't complain. I mean, compare Taco Bell to anything that's served at a good Mexican restaurant. If you just go by taste and appearance alone, you have to believe that only a businessman with more money than brains would take a chance on opening a Taco Bell down here. But they have and it works and they're making millions. Go figure. But let me get back to that point when I said that a lot of first world franchises start off with a very commendable high level of customer service and then they start slipping after some months go by after of course that first world training crew from the home office

[19:03] is long gone. Now places like Sears and Ace Hardware and Office Depot are corporate owned and managed and they have their own training and troubleshooting teams that could go around the world and spot check their stores to make sure they're upholding first world standards. But other smaller first world franchises like Subway and the fast food hamburger joints are owned by individual investors who buy the franchise rights and get the training once at startup and after that they're pretty much on their own. Which means their standards can and will deteriorate over time if the manager who's often the owner doesn't have a first world mentality or hasn't had that first world mentality drilled into his head so much that it stayed there. And I've seen it myself where a first world franchise like Burger King or Dunkin Donuts

[19:49] for example where after a year or two they start looking shoddy around the edges the people in the machinery start looking a little haggard and the bathroom start taking a dive. And because the place is individually owned you're not going to see a first world A team come in and slap them back into shape. Instead the place is just going to slip further and further into mediocrity and finally become pure latin which is another good reason not to hang out in fast food joints. Though my mother always told me if you're in a foreign country Johnny and you need to use a bathroom quick just go to one of those first world franchises like McDonald's or Wendy's and those bathrooms will always maintain a certain standard. Well I'm sorry mom but that's not so true anymore but it'll almost always be true if that place is relatively new. And here's another thing expats including me miss about the first world that government

[20:36] inspectors and regulators actually exist and they do their job with regularity. Not that they're all good or noble by any means. I mean take the FDA a thoroughly corrupt organization. Gary Nell talks about that all the time so I won't go into it here. But down here there is no such thing. So if you buy chicken or beef or fish for example which in the first world is always regulated under some kind of inspection process good or bad at least there is some kind of process. Down here in the third world you buy meat fish or chicken you're completely on your own and flying blind. Unless you actually know the farmer that you got it from a piece of meat could be sitting in the back of an unrefrigerated truck for three days completely covered with flies dirt and dust and who knows what else. And I've seen it myself I drive by this one large meat packing plant three or four

[21:25] times a week and I often see a truck parked outside with its back doors wide open and dogs and people hanging around with unrefrigerated sides of beef hanging on hooks with thousands of flies all over them and local lower class people are walking up with their shopping bags and bicycles and they're buying pieces of that old smelly meat from the guy in the back of the truck with a blood-stained apron and a machete. Meanwhile trucks full of cows knee-deep in their own crap are pulling into another entrance where they're about to be killed and processed and sold the same way or shipped off to supermarkets and I assure you those delivery trucks are in no way refrigerated nor are they fumigated or cleaned much. They're lucky if they get hosed down once in a while and once again there are no government inspectors though of course all the governments have sanitation laws down here because they like

[22:15] to copy everything first world but they don't have the will the people or the money to enforce any of that and the only way food really does get inspected is when they export it to other countries then the country that receives the product like the United States or Canada will do a thorough inspection and many times of course the stuff just won't pass or in fact be actually banned. So what happens if you are a meat eater? Well get to know a farmer who has cows or chickens and throughout Latin America you can always hook up with expats on blogs or through bulletin boards at the expat bars or through expats that own restaurants and believe me a lot of expats own very nice restaurants and through them you'll be able to find out how to get good sanitary meat and organic meat and vegetables too because these days there are enough discriminating expats down

[23:02] here in Latin America that there is a pretty steady demand for organic produce so it is available in all countries but mostly through expats and in every country some expats are actually organic farmers themselves and they sell their organic produce to certain higher-end restaurants a lot of them owned by expats too and they sell to specialty shops and gourmet food centers and believe it or not every big city in Latin America has a mall or two or three where they do have a gourmet center and a lot of specialty food shops just like in the first world but a lot of that stuff is going to be imported so it'll always be more expensive than the local stuff and I mentioned buying meat down here personally I don't buy or eat any meat unless I'm invited over to someone's house and they're serving some kind of meat and I can't get around it so I eat it because I don't

[23:52] want to be rude I figure it's not going to kill me and as far as I'm concerned I might as well eat a little bit rather than announcing that I don't eat dirty old Latin American fly-infested meat I guess saying that to your host or hostess might be a little harsh so what do I eat instead of meat I eat seafood and you know what Latin America is a perfect place for a seafood lover you're almost always close to a big body of water like the Pacific Atlantic or the Caribbean not to mention the Amazon the biggest river in the world and the seafood is almost always half as cheap and twice as fresh as anything you might get in the first world unless you catch it yourself and I always like to buy my seafood right off the docks right when they bring in the catch in the morning and they always stay away from the farmed fish like tilapia because there's so much other

[24:38] stuff to choose from fresh right from the docks tilapia looks like a retarded cousin next to that stuff and when you're buying fish right off the dock or at a seafood dealer very close to a port who needs federal inspectors in that case you're your own best inspector now the only thing I can say in defense of meat and chicken down here something that's in their favor is that the farms haven't gotten so modernized yet that they're pumping all kinds of drugs and growth hormones and antibiotics into their cows like we know happens with every animal that goes to slaughter up in the first world so if you eat meat down here the living conditions of that animal might have been very unsanitary in fact just as disgusting as animals kept up in the first world but they won't be contaminated with chemicals at least not nearly at the rate they do it up north

[25:23] so my recommendation to all you meat eaters down here once again check out the local farmers and ask on the expat grapevine for organic producers in your area and continuing on that theme of government inspectors and complete lack of them down here now there's been some news lately where investigative reporters have discovered that a good percentage of gas pumps at gas stations are calibrated down so that you're cheated just a little bit every time you fill up it's been found that up to 40 percent of the time that you buy a gallon of gas or diesel you get shorted on the volume not by much of course only two or three percent maybe but still people who own and operate these gas stations are aware of this they're doing it and they're stealing from you not to mention the fact that it's happening in off-brand gas stations

[26:09] and the well-known ones like chevron shell and texaco but do you think anybody's doing anything about it no and the same thing goes for scales down here in general anything that's weighed and sold like coffee and rice and beans and sugar investigative reporters have found up to 40 percent of these scales too have been tweaked to screw the customer out of a few percentage points and like i said in one of my earlier shows the biggest latin american gas propane companies are screwing every customer out of at least 10 percent on the marked weight of a 25 pound or 100 pound propane tank a pure consumer rip off that no one's doing anything about because well this is latin america and they're not a culture to complain through official channels about anything because they know when they do it's almost always futile so expats do miss that down here there

[26:59] isn't some kind of department of weights and measures that you can call up and have them go check out somebody who you think is cheating you and if they do catch somebody cheating they should really slap a huge fine on them but again that's not going to happen and that's why down here expats miss a certain minimum amount of government control and inspections some kind of consumer protection agency for that and those expats would like to see that and we have our wish lists that'll probably never be fulfilled we prefer no government regulation to the oppressive brain numbing kind you guys have up in the first world you've been listening to the expat files living in latin america and don't forget you can email me on anything at all about latin america the expat files at gmail.com that's the expat files

[27:49] at gmail.com see you next time