#703 – The Expat Files: Death, Embassies, and Funerals in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started today We'll be going into some detail on a subject that's of interest to everyone, but it's not a pleasant one It's necessary to discuss but people just don't want to face it not that people don't ask me about it from time to time

[00:45] Sure, they'll ask me but they don't talk about it amongst themselves That said let me read this email that kind of says it all and this is from well, you know who you are Starts out. Hey Johnny. Never have you ever spoken about kick in the bucket Passing over buying the farm, you know dying in paradise fighting the big one in Latin America I get the impression Johnny that expats never seem to die because you never talk about it Could you chat for once about a plan D? That's ABC D, which would be an event of death What's the best way you think it's to be handled or best way to make plans for the real Final Last Supper. All right, mr. LD. Thanks for that. Let's get into it. Yes, it's true. That does happen

[01:34] Happens all the time and it's inevitable right? In fact, I've been with some ex-pet friends of mine who've been through those final moments It's bad enough if you die up in the States at least people kind of know what to do You dial up your favorite funeral home Like you've got a favorite right and they handle all the details for you though It ain't cheap average costs up in the States around ten grand I understand but at least up in the States everyone's family's kind of gone through that So, you know what to do kind of but you're still vulnerable for the gouge I mean funeral homes are known for that right take for example the casket average cost in the States two grand To my way of thinking it's a terrible waste of dough like a wedding dress two grand two hours Deny it if you will, but it really is all about the show I mean hell we can't very well send off Johnny to the great unknown in a simple pine box

[02:24] He needs the mahogany one with the graphite seals 50 year kookaracha proof guarantee, you know So it's crazy enough when someone dies up in the States, but what about down here in Latin America? Well, it's got its own peculiarities Even though you and your family are never really ready for a thing like that. You do need a plan to checklist It's especially important to get a head start if your Spanish sucks So where do you start? How do you start? The biggest mistake is to not have some kind of plan Now some mostly older retired expats have chronic illnesses and on a ton of medication They know they're only gonna last a couple of years, but still even faced with that They don't want to talk about it. So they don't put together a plan, you know There is that attitude especially among guys when you're dead, you're dead

[03:10] However, that does cause a lot of problems for the living who are forced to take care of the situation from there So I thought the best way to approach this subject is to start with some real tips from expats Who've actually gone through it with their own loved ones? Let's start first with some do's and don'ts related to me by one of my favorite expat ladies We just went through the whole thing with their own dad By the way, her Spanish sucks, which makes this tale even more interesting Since all the forms and paperwork go will be in Spanish and almost everyone in the funeral home will be speaking Spanish, too So here's her take on it. Number one. Don't assume the US Embassy is gonna help you in any way For that matter. Don't assume the Canadian or Australian Embassy is gonna help you or any so-called friendly embassy from whatever first world country you hail from

[04:02] Alright, it's me again with my two cents. Your so-called friendly US Embassy is not all that friendly anymore Things have drastically changed for the worse in that respect when I first got down here 27 or so years ago You could walk right up to any US Embassy in any Latin country Flash your passport get a handshake and a smile There'd be free milk and cookies and sit down with someone who actually knew what he was talking about It's totally different today You can't even get past the door unless you go online first and make a frickin appointment Which could take a couple weeks. Oh and by the way, a lot of older expats ones receiving social security or expats Who just turned 62 and are ready to sign up They think it's an easy enough thing to just pop in to the local US Embassy and there they'd find someone manning the social security

[04:49] Desk. Well, that used to be true Most embassies did have a social security desk with an actual English-speaking gringo who could walk you through that mess Yep, it used to be easy. Well kind of easy anyway. Oh But that's not at all the way it is anymore Now you have to go online and make an appointment forget this Not an actual sit-down at the embassy with a real person But instead it's just an appointment to receive a return phone call from somebody in the social security administration And last I heard if you're living in Central America The nearest social security desk is at the embassy in Costa Rica So for example, if you're living in Nicaragua, this is how to work You'll go online submit whatever question or questions you have about social security and in a few days

[05:38] You'll get a reply by email saying something like this and this is from an actual case Let me read a little bit of an email coming from the US Embassy in Costa Rica their social security division The email starts dear taxpayer. You have left the barn before being sheared Well, they didn't say that but they might as well have what the email really said was on the morning of November 3rd 2017 someone from our office will be contacting you by phone to discuss your social security issues Please briefly state the nature of your inquiry and supply a phone number where you can be reached Then it says now get this we will attempt to call you twice If you don't pick up you'll have to resubmit your questions and set up another phone session

[06:25] By the way, the person that showed me this email said that it took two weeks to set up that first embassy callback date So if for some reason you don't pick up on those first two calls, you'll have another two-week delay at least Anyway, that should give you a good idea on how concerned the US Embassy is and how Responsive they are to your questions whether they're for social security or anything else So bottom line if you think the US Embassy in the Latin country of your choice is out to help you forget about it Though isn't it funny once you've landed in a foreign country Latin or otherwise Your embassy will want you to register your debts with them You'll have to do that online because like I said, you can't even walk through the door anymore without getting an appointment So then what's that all about? They don't want to see you face to face

[07:12] But they want you to register your location and debts and such Oh big brother does want to keep track of you in the worst way Even though you've left the barn, especially since you've left the barn In fact US embassies run ads all the time in English-speaking rags on the gringo tourist trail Of course when you're off the gringo tourist trail, you don't see those ads because no such English language rags exist So then what exactly do those ads say? They're all saying pretty much the same thing. Let me read one. Here goes Are you an American citizen traveling or living in Latin America? Help the US Embassy contact you or your loved ones in an emergency register now online at travel registration dot state dot gov slash IV RS slash

[08:01] I you did you get that it says help your US Embassy contact you or your loved ones in an emergency man That's got to be one of the biggest lines of BS. I've ever heard so then why do they run those ads? Well They want you to sign up give up your debts Tell you where they're living because they're just another tentacle in the malignant big brother apparatus It's all about trying to keep tabs on you cuz you've left the barn You know, you're no longer up in the States. You've grabbed some of your freedom back and you're not that trackable anymore They don't seem to like that. Not at all. Now. That's a laugh They say they want to help you if there's an emergency Meanwhile, you can't even talk to a real person at the embassy unless you set up an appointment on the internet I'll tell you the plan as things up in the states get really bleak and they've milked all the cows and sheared all the sheep

[08:49] They can what they've got left is the gringos and expats living overseas because they know most have Substantial assets or they wouldn't have made the move in the first place And if you give up your direction and debts and everything else to the embassy They'll know exactly how and when to find you so my advice never Register with the US Embassy no matter what those happy little blurbs say in those gringo English language Tourists and expat rags, of course, you know if an expat dies, there'll be some inevitable contact with the embassy Just don't go there thinking they want to make friends with you. There'll be no cookies and milk Oh, and it's not just us big brother that wants to keep tabs on everybody who's left the pen Right next to that blurb. I read you from this gringo tourist rag

[09:35] We've also got a nearly identical ad coming from the British Embassy It's worth reading here goes to all British Nationals residents of Central America Guatemala El Salvador Honduras, etc You are encouraged to register your details at the British Embassy gov Then it says registrations can be done online at fco dot gov dot uk Or you can send your details by email to the Consular General at FC gov uk Hmm. Yep. Let's find out where our sheep have gone man If that isn't a great case for getting your ass and assets out of your home country. I don't know what is It's also a great case for cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, too However, you do know if you visit any of those gringo invested tourist trap areas

[10:24] You'll find most of the long-term gringos and expats living there have registered with their Big-brother embassies because they just don't know any better You'd be surprised how many expat gringos drank the Kool-Aid though Thankfully most all of them are on the gringo tourist trail by the way If you're watching this show on YouTube right now, you'll see those very embassy blurbs I was reading from and you know funny thing but it makes sense those same clueless expat gringos who happily register with the embassy and give up all their debts are the Same ones who belong to pathetic organizations like Democrats Republicans and imbeciles abroad And if that's not the very definition of clueless, I don't know what is but I digress as usual though Not much. So again about loved ones who've gone through the mess of taking care of someone who's died in Latin America

[11:15] Here's more of what our lady expat friend had to say She says don't assume the US embassy is there to help you Contrary to what you might think the embassy is there for their own benefit as is true for all government bureaucracies They may help notify your family if you're traveling through the country and something bad happens That is if you're just a tourist passing through But if you have permanent or temporary Residency in the country that you pass away in your family will most likely never get a proactive call from the embassy However get this they will happily notify the social security branch in the US immediately So if the person who died was on social security, he'll get cut off in a New York minute that they'll expedite immediately

[12:01] Oh boy, they're quick on the draw with cutting off the funds Oh and a lot of gringles and expats think if someone dies in Latin America The US Embassy will help ship the body back to your hometown in the states Complete with a military escort headed by Kevin Bacon himself coffin wrapped in the American flag Hmm. Could it be we've seen one too many war movies You think the fact is the only time there'll be any real help with that if that's your intent having the body shipped stateside Is if you happen to croak overseas as active-duty military embassy contract employee Or if you happen to be one of those clandestine a whole alphabet agency nation-building types All right, let's continue with some more tips You really have to know from a lady who just went through it with her dad

[12:47] She says do make sure you understand the rules for funerals in the country You're in for instance in many Latin countries. You must take care of the deceased body within 24 hours You may delay this a bit, but it's fairly common to have a burial slash cremation Whatever on the very day after passing away Then she says if you've ever come across a funeral in Latin America and thought wow That's a whole lot of drama going on there. It's a real rush job. So, you know, why? Unlike in the US where traditionally families wait three to five days for a burial things are done very fresh and rapid here in the third world So then why in so many Latin countries do they have that one day rule? Why the rush those rules have been in effect for a long long time. We're talking about tropical

[13:33] Climates here things spoil rapidly now throughout Latin America even in recent history There have been many many reports of some pueblos, especially ones way out in the boonies Not having electricity or it's been very spotty and thus refrigeration problems. Not good You can see where that's going So it was a prudent tradition to get things done right away and though it's not at all necessary anymore It's still a tradition as well as the law. So down here in Latin America Everything's on money on a time except when you die Alright for her next point she says do plan ahead as dreary as it sounds You'll want to make sure you plan for the inevitable ahead of time Most Latin funeral homes will allow you to plan your memorial service burial cremation, whatever well before you need the services

[14:21] So you can prepay for all the services and save your friends and family from having to figure all that out on short notice Also, if you prepay you can negotiate a deal This is Latin America, you know, you can bargain for practically anything However, if you haven't made some kind of a deal or signed a contract once a person has passed, there'll be no Negotiation after the fact, by the way, just like up in the states all funeral homes provide package deals Often including the cemetery plot and what they call the ocereiro That would be like a mausoleum or a place to put your whole family to rest Note that throughout Latin America, there are three different classes of cemeteries Yes, there's even a class system with cemeteries here. Of course. You want to be buried with an acceptable class of people

[15:06] Yeah, right like it matters. Well, it really does matter to Latins. Let me tell you It's definitely not cool to be buried in a public cemetery They're kind of boot hill last resort cemeteries, you know And they're just like what you'd expect from a government run organization dingy badly planned run down overgrown with weeds Then next step up from that private cemetery middle-class style no great shakes either But a little better planned nicer landscaping and better security Then there's what you might call the higher-end cemeteries They look like high-end cemeteries and states beautiful wide open spaces fantastic gardening and really good security That means that not any old riffraff could just wander in with a bottle of tequila and spend the night passed out on a headstone So you get the scruffy badly laid out public cemeteries which are virtually free

[15:55] Then there are the so-called middle-class private cemeteries And if you were to buy a prepackaged plan including service casket plot and all that probably run around a thousand to fifteen hundred bucks While a complete package in one of the high-end cemeteries probably starts around two thousand bucks and up from there With the package deal, they'll pick up the body do the government paperwork provide the plot the casket the works Of course, if you're into ossuaries, that's mausoleums where you'll have above-ground spaces for the whole family You'll probably pay five grand and up for that now here in Latin America Where the average person is what we'd call poor by any first world standards. That means many funerals Perhaps fifty percent of all funerals take place in the home Now that's something I don't think is even allowed in many states up where you live but down here

[16:45] It's done all the time, which is why often you'll pass a little funeral home And they'll have posted outside the place the price of their bare bones funeral. Did I really say bare bones? If you're watching this on youtube right now, you'll see one of those signs. I know I know complete funeral service 300 even 400 bucks you're thinking that can't be right, but it is and it's perfectly normal done all the time But it's in the home. It'll include the bare bones coffin. Did I say that again? They're not the cemetery plot or marker But that's what probably 50 percent of Latin population or more take advantage of those cheap $250-300 funerals They have the viewing in the home and the body ends up in a plot in the public cemetery

[17:30] By the way, sometimes when you're driving around especially in a small town out in the boonies You'll get stuck in a traffic bottleneck due to a funeral procession Yep, they'll be walking right down the center of the road Could be 20 50 100 even 200 people And what they're doing you see is they're bringing the body and generally a religious statue ahead of it From the home to the church where they have a service back to the cemetery That's another thing you'll never see up in the first world a funeral procession right on the street So in many small towns, there is no need for a hearse at all The procession and the movement of the body is all done with pallbearers carts and wagons and pickup trucks By the way, when you're stuck in a bottleneck like that and I have been many times You just have to bite your lip go with the flow respect the solemnity of the occasion and try not to get pissed

[18:22] In fact, it's extremely rude to whip right past and make adolescent hand gestures But you knew that already, right? Hope so However, that is perfectly fine. If you're stuck in a bottleneck caused by some upper middle class sunday cyclers and their stretch leotards For them it's part of the show to block the road and slow down the traffic So by all means lay on the horn and bring on the adolescent hand gestures Oh and speaking of hearses Yes, all the funeral homes have them man I'll tell you if you think you've seen some strange looking hermin monster hot rod hearses up where you live You should see the oddball vehicles they use down here Oh, they have the traditional Cadillacs and Lincoln's and such but until I moved down here I never even knew that Chevrolet, Pontiac, Buick, Ford, Oldsmobile or Imperial even made hearses

[19:08] In fact, I bet most you listeners never even knew there was a car called an Imperial But you know since this is latin america and the word maintenance or manta enimiento is an ethereal thing A hearse might look fine from a distance, but the closer you get the worse they look All right. Let's talk about cremation You know until recently down here in latin america the word cremation was considered a kind of a sacrilege because Well 90 percent or more people are catholic and catholics do not believe in cremation because according to catholic tradition After the second coming you can't very well pop up out of your grave hole and in one piece If you've been cremated, so needless to say until now cremation's been kind of a dirty word But these days as evangelical religions are on the grow and catholics are waning their cremation businesses sort of catch in fire

[19:58] Ooh However, since not too many funeral homes are equipped for that the price is unusually high compared to the first world However, if you compare regular funeral packages and services down here As you've heard the price differences are sort of astounding Anyway, the cremation price down here around 2 000 bucks or so about twice what they cost up in the states Speaking of state-side funerals the gouge is on and there's always a lot of extra charges padded in Some say they nickel and die me to death, but I wouldn't say that it's too crass All right Let's get back to some of those dos and don'ts Do arrange for someone ahead of time to help you and your family Someone that can step in in the event that someone dies whether it's a trusted friend business partner lawyer assistant

[20:45] Whatever you'll need somebody to take care of things when you pass yourself If you don't there'll be a lot of wasted time even chaos and panic until someone takes care of the details So you'll need to select somebody beforehand to be in charge of everything from notifying the rest of your family to submitting paperwork In the country you pass there will be steps that need to be completed depending on the country and most likely you will need to have Some official paperwork completed at the nearest u.s embassy in order to settle your estate Of course that person should be ready to consult with your family in english Should they choose to fly down and that person should have all the necessary paperwork to give them To take back to the states and settle things there And this is very important do make sure you write a will and leave it in a place where it can be found

[21:34] If you own property in a foreign country, you'll want to research what happens to it after you die So you'll need a local latin lawyer He'll know the rules and should be able to help you file it in the country Which is sometimes required if you still have assets in the states or your first world country Make sure you have a separate will for that stuff, too Each country will have different rules in regards to writing up wills and heredity who inherits what so make sure other Important documents are easy to find too Also, do let your family know all of the plans you've made ahead of time Let them know who to contact when and if they have questions and what to anticipate after you pass away That'll take a big burden off of their shoulders during this sad time Then again, they just might be happy if you were a lifelong jerk that sometimes happens, you know

[22:22] In any event you have to arrange for these things ahead of time Step number one get yourself an english-speaking latin lawyer who can draw up that will And then with him set down some basic instructions that are to be followed in the event of your death Oh and this will help If you have any kind of health insurance policy here in latin america and since they're so inexpensive I always recommend you do The good news is nearly all of them have a funeral and or death benefit And i'd say even with a basic health care policy where you're only paying 50 to 100 bucks a month There'll be a minimum death benefit of around 2500 bucks. That's enough to adequately cover most everything in an average funeral Not to mention lots and lots of latin banks who issue credit cards will offer a death funeral or life insurance benefit, too

[23:11] Sometimes it's free and sometimes just a couple of bucks a month So if you're covered in that respect There's really no point in going out buying a package deal from a funeral home well before the fact Oh, and this is good to know more and more funeral homes are setting up little weekend kiosks in big commercial centers That's shopping malls by all means stop there pick up the reading material and pamphlets and keep them on hand They'll be in spanish, of course But even if your spanish sucks bring them into your lawyer's office You could have him or her go over that stuff with you Certainly a lot of your questions will be answered and it will be a good start to get you and your lawyer focused on the unpleasant But necessary details again, I can't emphasize enough how important it is to get a trustee lawyer Your longtime listeners might remember a story I told a long time ago of when I bought a car

[23:59] From the estate of a military guy who retired down in panama and then costa rica Never met the guy, of course because he was dead, but I bought the car from the estate Turns out the deceased military guy was living for many years with his young panamanian girlfriend And when the guy died his daughter flew down from the states To meet up with the guy's lawyer to settle the estate only to find out to make a long story short Her dad's house was barren basically cleaned out of all the appliances furniture, etc Turns out though when she was visiting the lawyer's office She recognized some of the appliances and furniture from photos her dad had sent her over the years So it was actually the girlfriend and the lawyer that cleaned her dad out after he died

[24:44] Of course, the best way to prevent that is to have a good honest lawyer Obviously that guy's lawyer was a crook another precautionary move would be let's say once a year Maybe january 1st take some photos or a video of everything you've got in the house Then hand that off to the person who's the executor of your estate So yes, it's true bad and crazy things can happen if you're not prepared However, if you have a good honest lawyer, you will have sat down and talked about those eventualities So how do you locate one or more of the good guys? Well to come down to my january 2018 expat insider seminar, you'll meet a couple of them In fact, i've known our seminar lawyer for 20 years now He does speak english and he has the quality you most want to see in a latin lawyer honesty

[25:31] Of course, you have to understand every latin american lawyer No matter what he says or does is on manana time like every other person in latin america That's why it's a third world country, man Which means if they say they'll get back to you today It'll be tomorrow and if it's tomorrow, it'll be next week you get the idea You just have to understand that's the way things are down here No one's in a rush for anything even though it always seems like we are It's just something you have to try to get over once you're down here But you knew that already, right? So anyway, you'll meet some good honest lawyers if you come down to the expat insider seminar And believe me the attendees will get to drink from the fire hose You'll get daytime lectures and afternoon and evening Very quality boots on the ground by the time the week's over you will have built a nice solid knowledgeable network of people You can lean on so when you finally get your own plans in full gear

[26:19] You won't feel like you're out on a limb like you're the lone ranger So check out the seminar itinerary in the early bird discounts by going to www.thenewexpat.com And while you're there check out those famous john gault pre and post seminar trips, too Believe me You'll kick yourself all the way back to cleveland if you don't take advantage of one or more those great trips Of course, that means you'll have to add three or four days on to the front end or the back end of the seminar But hey once you're down here You want to make the best of it you want to get in as much quality boots on the ground time that you can Now for those of you who just can't make it down to the seminar The next best thing is to take my expat essentials course Just go to expatplanb.com and check out the video that tells us all about it And while you're at it download my free phone consultation questionnaire. Look it over

[27:08] You'll also find that link on the main page of the newexpat.com And don't forget since we're doing the next seminar in and around guadamala You can kill two birds with one stone by coming to the seminar and applying for permanent or temporary residency at the same Time yep, things are getting crazy up in the states And when that reset button gets pushed you'll want to have what we call a second flag a way out an insurance policy south of the border This is the expat files living in latin america If you want me to help you out with your own plan b just schedule a one-on-one consult Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to learn how to move forward with your own plan b from right up there in the states Go to www.expatplanb.com and check out my three videos. See ya nos vemos