#711 – The Expat Files: Funerals, Power, and Planning in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here So let's get started. If you remember a couple of shows ago I was talking about funerals cemeteries and well gringos and expats kick in the bucket here in Latin America That does happen, you know So today we have when gringos kick the bucket in Latin America part two now if you remember I mentioned that as usual

[00:48] Things are a hell of a lot cheaper even when you bite the big one However, even here in Latin America funeral companies and funeral homes know that you're very vulnerable when someone dies And because here in Latin America, it's all about the show It's a perfect time for them to gouge the locals and take advantage of the families of gringos if one happens to be in that predicament so Naturally to upsell you they'll use those time-tested guilt tactics. I mean really the guy was tops You have to give him a first-class send-off, right? After all, you don't want to look cheap in front of all your friends and relatives Hmm and most people fall for it so as it turns out almost every Latin family pays way too much for the funeral and the trimmings that go with it just to Impress the friends relatives and well anyone else who's watching the spectacle sound familiar?

[01:38] And then there are the funerals of the rich and powerful In fact you longtime listeners might remember me mentioning that in whatever Latin country you're in There are 20 or 30 powerful families that have been around for hundreds of years They own the big coffee and sugar plantations the cement companies Pepsi Coca-Cola You get the idea and now more recently when the big first world franchises came in they started buying all those up to McDonald's Kentucky Fried Taco Bell Gold's Jim, etc And when you're with a bunch of gringos and expats sometimes the question comes up. Who are these families? What are their names? And of course the names are always different from country to country But I always tell people if you want to know who the big guns are Pick up the biggest daily newspaper in that country flip to the very last pages the back section

[02:24] You'll see page upon page of condolences when one of the big wigs dies Yep, there'll be all kinds of people in businesses putting in those ads and kissing his backside Even if he was the rottenest person on earth and of course big ads in any newspaper are expensive So when you see quarter half page in full page Condolence ads just have a look at the last name of the person who died You'll know who the big guns are now some gringos think just like in the US All you have to do is pick up Sunday newspaper look in the society pages and look at the photos there And who's running this or that charity event etc And you'll know who the big guns are but that's not true here in Latin America Not anymore that'd be mostly the new money and the trophy wives just showing off Whereas the old money the ones with the real power the ones that have control over elections and precedents etc

[03:11] Just like in the states are not big on publicity however when one of them dies That's when all the kiss-assers come out they compete by jockeying to see who can take out the biggest Condolence ad in other words who spent the most dough buttering the dead guy up with a flowery eulogy Even if he was a world-class asswipe in those circles people are keeping score because remember these big Oligarchic families can hand out or hold back a hell of a lot of favors That's the way of the world right now another way that many gringos and expats find out that Latin America is a very Classist and socially delineated society is when and you'll probably only realize this when you're down here a couple of years and you get to Meet know a lot of Latin people is that their eyes absolutely light up when certain names are mentioned

[03:57] My favorite example the name Castillo that means castle in English You see in more than one Latin American country that name is huge Why because they own plantations and beer companies the Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola franchises They've got pieces of radio and TV stations now that name Castillo as well as a dozen or so other names It is so well known. It's spoken with awe amongst the sweaty masses I'm not kidding in fact occasionally a little social gospel slip-in and you'll hear one of them say something like Sylvia you won't believe it. No take reas Guess who came into my department in Sears and bought a coffee maker so-and-so Castillo man over the years I've heard plenty of gossip like that and you know that Castillo family is so big a lot of the cousins are ne'er-do-well

[04:43] Dumbasses that perpetually live off their parents and their family wealth and there ain't enough of it to go around I'm telling you but because the public and the sweaty masses are so enamored and impressed with that last name Wherever they show up with or without their bodyguards. They get the best seats and preferential treatment Even though chances are the Castillo that's in the house is a do-nothing moron kind of like the stories my old Engineering buddy from Chicago's name was Greg Hyatt just like the Hyatt hotels But not related at all and you know Hyatt's not a very common name Sorry where he'd go he'd get comped VIP service freed this and free that especially when he went to Vegas And yet he was not at all related to the Hyatt hotel people and when people asked him He'd just smile and act like he said Hyatt ish. So just know that here in Latin America

[05:33] There are 10 20 or 30 big names well known as the country's power brokers now note I'm not talking about the big names in politics presidents vice presidents senators and congressmen They come and go by the way down here. They're not called senators or congressmen. They're called deputados English translation deputy. That's deputados as Shakespeare once said a scumbag dickhead by any other name would smell as putrid or something like that So the big political names though the locals bow down to them, too Just like most common people up in the states will bow down to their political pustules Yeah, and even though in private conversations We all call them worthless scumbags if one were to come face-to-face with such a creature in the toothpaste aisle

[06:19] Chances are the average American would check his and or ask for his autograph same here in Latin America I've seen it for myself by the way I mentioned that last name Castillo because I once played in a Americanized rock and roll band here And our drummer was one of those Castillo boys nice guy all around to people within his class or people He perceived within his class like gringos But born with a silver spoon in his mouth then with an entitled attitude that well kind of made me cringe sometimes Imagine going to gigs or band practice and your drummer arrives in a big black Bulletproof suburban with two bodyguards though. I have to admit there were their best roadies we ever had And we didn't have to pay him either imagine that we didn't pay him and they hated our music, too

[07:04] Yet they still hauled our junk they had to look what do you expect bodyguards come from the lower classes? So they're into cantina and mariachi music not gringo beach party blues and rock and roll anyway for a couple of years I got to see exactly how the entitled upper classes with mega Well live when you longtime listeners know this story, but if you just happened to have tuned in lately I told a story about this drummer guy who was engaged to get married to a beautiful Colombian girl who'd gone to university in the US that happens with the wealthy people They always try to send their kids to the states She really was smart beautiful and came from a really big and powerful Colombian family, too She really didn't much like the class system at all, but hey, you know, she was born at the top of it

[07:50] So you can't fight City Hall. Anyway, she was engaged to the drummer in my band But that didn't last long and one day she came crying to me and said Johnny. I'm breaking it off He's a nice guy and everything when he's around me But you know when you marry someone in Latin America Yeah, marry their family too And I just cannot stomach the people in his family and I said good for you and that was the end of that But I digress as usual man. Did I digress? Where were we? Oh, yeah discussing what happens when gringos and expats die in Latin America as mentioned in a recent previous show part 1 You really should have some plans or at least a kind of a checklist Available because when someone dies things are done a bit differently down here in Latin America And if you don't speak Spanish and all you do is hang around with and talk to gringos

[08:38] You'll be at an even bigger disadvantage Although admittedly things are so inexpensive down here, especially off the tourist trail Even if you get clipped at the funeral home, you probably won't feel it much But still you want to get through it in the smoothest way possible Turns out just lately all through Latin America Banks are offering funeral insurance policies, of course that kind of stuff's been around 50 years or so up in the states But down here it's just starting now for Latin banks It's all about them expanding their services and getting people to sign out for debit and credit cards and checking accounts It's all about getting new clients because you see in some Latin countries Let's then half of the adult population even have a bank account. So then is it worth it or not? Is it a good deal or not? I say it's a very good deal and gringo should sign on

[09:26] So why is that and how do you go about doing it? Well, for one thing when you walk into a bank They'll usually have a row of little pamphlets on the countertop explaining all their extra services car and health insurance credit card plans CDs. Yep They got CDs down here even in dollars By the way Just checked out the rates and depending how much you put in and for how long you can get between two and a half And five percent a year. Anyway, I just happened to be in a bank the other day And I picked up a pamphlet that says we are now offering funeral plus insurance and I'm thinking plus what? Seguro Funerario plus and that's just a funeral insurance they have at this bank many banks have it and I'll tell you why it's a good Idea for gringos and expats the downside is the pamphlets all in Spanish

[10:13] The bank tellers and customer service people will be speaking in Spanish, too So you'll need a little help to sign up But you can have your lawyer your lawyer's office help you do that Or if you're in and around Guatemala or Central America You could have our famous expat concierge service help you with that Or if by some miracle you happen to speak Spanish, you can do it yourself Speaking of Spanish, you can still get the free second edition of Jack Brett's fast Spanish book He's offering it for free only to my expat files listeners. Just go to the expat files calm backslash fast Spanish Alright, listen to this I'm gonna translate this pamphlet a little bit and you'll see why it's such a good idea First of all, if you have this insurance and you or someone in your family dies All you do is make a phone call and they'll do everything for you

[11:00] Of course, if you die, you won't be able to make that call unless you're Houdini You'll get the idea number one. They'll do all the legal and government paperwork necessary number two They'll move the body from wherever it is to the funeral parlor of your choice or to your home Because you know here in Latin America, you heard me explain this on a previous show Many many people still have the viewing of the body in the home Number three, it says whether you have the viewing in a funeral parlor or the home They'll decorate with appropriate flowers and arrangements. They'll organize the religious service of your choice Then they'll provide the funeral procession in the hearse to take the body to whatever cemetery you've selected Now get this and here's the big surprise and it doesn't apply to you But is why so many Latins are buying this policy

[11:48] Remember you can get a family plan and guess what it says if you are a covered family member happen to be in the u.s Or Canada when you croak they will do all the legal consultations paperwork, etc And have the body shipped back to your Latin country Now the family plan covers husband and wife and up to six kids. Now, this is unusual You're allowed to buy into the plan up to 74 years of age and the premiums don't go up They're the same no matter what age you are Which makes this thing truly amazing if you've got some kind of chronic disease and you know You're not gonna make it too long. I can buy in right before you're gonna go Now this might be the best part you might be wondering about the cemetery plot and the casket and all that well This policy has a life insurance benefit too

[12:33] So if someone dies you automatically get 3,000 bucks Which down here in Latin America would easily buy you a nice cemetery plot and a nice casket now in the States The average cost of a single plot is around 1,500 bucks and the average no free list casket around 2,500 So already you're looking at four grand even if everything else is paid for but the key is you see if you get the insurance They'll do everything for you. You'll just have to pick the plot in the casket Or you can elect for cremation which will eat up probably two grand of that death benefit as mentioned in a past show They don't do many cremations here in Latin America because of religious reasons, of course Then again, you don't need a casket unless you're gonna show the body then you'll rent one for a few hours and with cremation

[13:20] There's no plot because you'll have an earn. Alright, so this funeral insurance What does it cost if you're just buying an individual plan a single it's three dollars a month Regardless of age and for every person in your family that you add to the plan up to six kids It's a dollar extra a month So looking at the plan here for husband wife and six kids it runs around nine bucks a month now in the States We're just a single it varies with age Averaging 30 if you're real young to a hundred bucks a month if you're older So just know that it's available. It's dirt cheap. It's something you don't have to think about it's a no-brainer Then if you croak whether expectedly or unexpectedly no worries now, of course for you if you're the one that croaks

[14:05] No worries at all, but it's your survivors that'll have to deal with the carcass You know, by the way I would be remiss if I didn't mention this very strange some would say kind of revolt and development that's happened Just recently, you know with millions and millions of illegal Latinos sending back monthly remisses from up in the States You won't believe what's been happening here in Latin America at some of these lower-end banks who are on the receiving end of all those Millions in remisses lower-end banks. What does Johnny mean by that? Well, I mean that in every Latin country There's maybe three or four really solid 50 to a hundred even hundred fifty year old banks that are very solid owned by some of The biggest agricultural and mining families you heard me speak about this in past shows Anyway, so there's three or four very very solid banks

[14:53] Those are the ones you should be banking with and your lawyer will know that which is another reason why you have to have a Latin Lawyer, but the thing is every Latin country has 10 or 20 other banks, too So what about those? The thing is if you don't have a lot of money in the banking just have a standard account with a few hundred bucks in It doesn't really matter what bank you're with though There are banks specifically set up for Latin workers Like for example, there is one called Banco agronimo and Banco agro mercantile Then there's ban cafe lot of banks with the word cafe or la barral which is work or labor somewhere in the name Then there are a lot of banks with the word trabajador or worker in them Those are the smaller lesser-known and often little bit scruffier banks that cater to the population out in the boonies

[15:38] the farmers the hayseeds the sugar cane cutters the coffee pickers and The minimum wage factory and Makila workers now remember these aren't the banks at the big coffee pineapple sugar and mining Corporations bank in these are banks for the common worker They're used to handling many many very tiny accounts because the average Latin grunt worker only has only a hundred bucks or so in his savings Account read that in a local paper lately. I guess it's not much different than up in the states Huh, the surprising thing is that just recently some of these small banks that cater to regular laborers and factory workers These are also the banks that receive most remisses from illegals up in the states Stands reason because most of these banks have clients who are lower middle class or poor the ones who are most likely to have

[16:25] Family member or friend up in the states or Canada illegally Anyway, I'm holding in my hand right now one of those little bank pamphlets that offers special services It's a kind of rough-looking black and white not well designed pamphlet like the bank It's a little rough around the edges the banks called Banco Agro Mercantile. It says in big letters Seguro de vida immigrante. Well get a load of this It's life insurance you could take out on your legal and illegal relatives and friends up in the states In other words, you can buy insurance on the people up in the states who are sending you those remisses So what do you get when you purchase the policy you the monthly receiver of the dough and your latin country receive a five thousand dollar life insurance settlement and It says in case of accidental death of the migrant up in the states

[17:14] The policy will cover assistance and the paperwork and repatriate the body back to the home latin country and once the bodies return home They'll pay for the complete funeral service So here's the deal if you're in a latin country and you're receiving remisses from someone up in the states 90% of the time it's from an illegal family member right could be legal though Most likely not and the banks know this if the person or family member who's been sending you the monthly money dies That means you're out the money, right? Then what well you're back to being dirt poor again unless you get this insurance then you get five grand plus The person up in the states sending you that money gets a free trip back home and a funeral And what's the cost of that plan? Well five bucks a month to be deducted from the bank account where those remisses are flowing

[18:03] So you got to know that bank marketing and sales departments here in Latin America are not stupid They know with all the millions of people sending back remisses and the billions of bucks coming in every month People on the receiving end of those remisses have a bank account they have to because it's generally it's a wire transfer coming in in dollars and They know the biggest fear of a person who's addicted to or I should say accustomed to getting those remisses monthly is that he'll lose his job or get deported and that would be the end of the cash flow and a personal disaster for the person on the receiving end and The second biggest worry is that the person will die and then what no remisses and if he's illegal and dies Not only is it a massive paperwork storm for the state officials that have to deal with it the Latin family back home almost

[18:50] Always tries their best to get the body back and that's another paperwork mess and cost a lot of dough So then what happens when an illegal person dies up in the states? Well, I asked around fact I asked my cleaning lady and maintenance guy They've all got a few friends and family members who are up there illegally living the so-called American dream So here's what I found out Normally when someone's illegal and dies up in the states, they're connected with the local Latin Church So the church takes up a collection to have the body processed and sent back to the home country But they never collect much. They always come up short They also connect with the family in Latin America asking them to send as much money as they can to to cover expenses All in all the whole process costs around four to five thousand bucks and someone's got to come up with that money

[19:35] The government's of the US and Canada will not ship those bodies back out of the goodness of their hearts And you know Latin families back home almost never have that kind of money So they'll go to the local loan sharks who will be glad to give it to him at 20% Interest a month which as you might imagine puts a huge burden on the family even worse There's no more remisses coming in. Wait a minute What about those remisses for years a person might be sending them back. There should be some money somewhere, right? Wrong. Latins are not savers as far as remisses They usually always spend it all building or buying a newer better house or improving the one they've got and thus the banks down here Came up with that brilliant idea to have immigrant insurance and man for five bucks a month The plan is taken off like gangbusters Yep, you heard right five bucks a month

[20:23] Hey, I know this has nothing to do with living working playing and or retiring for gringles and expats here in Latin America But it's just another little piece of the social puzzle here in Latin America and the more information the better, right? By the way, if you're watching this on YouTube, you'll be seeing a screenshot of the funeral insurance pamphlet I'm talking about courses in Spanish But you'll get the idea and you'll be seeing a screenshot of that black and white scruffy pamphlet that describes The immigrant insurance policy. Just want to give you a little backup proof here in case Maybe you're thinking all this is hearsay because you know when I have mentioned this stuff to a few gringles and expats He said come on Johnny. You sure who told you that that can't be right Then I direct them to one of those pamphlets man. I went a lot of bets that way All right now said about that now, this is important You know You've got a little less than two weeks to sign up for my expat insiders seminar and still take advantage of the early bird discounts

[21:15] To sign up just go to the new expat dot-com website and hit the seminar link Remember on December 1st the price goes back to normal That's five hundred dollars more and do remember if you're planning on killing two birds with one stone That is coming down to the seminar applying for your temporary or permanent residence in Guatemala at the same time You'll need about a month on the outside though It might take a lot less time than that Still you should plan for a month for dealing with government offices and a couple of rounds of snail mail to collect the documents That you'll need from your state. Remember you'll have to have them notarized and apostilled at your state's state department I know that sounds weird, but your state does have a state department and Remember as soon as you sign up for the seminar I'll be sending you the step-by-step information on how to do that So the trick is to try to sign up for this seminar by December 1st. Oh, you can sign up after that

[22:04] Of course, in fact in past seminars. I've had people sign up just hours before we got underway But when you hesitate and sign up at the very last minute You're really at a disadvantage if you want to get your temporary or permanent residency started right away By the way, you know There's all kind of conflicting information on blogs and internet sites about residencies and stuff here in Latin America In fact, I want to point out a glaring bit of residency misinformation Coming from a site. I normally really like Doug Casey's international man. So even they get it wrong. Sometimes listen to this I just got a report from them entitled Panama the easiest country to obtain residency. You get that the easiest country wrong Then later in the article, it says one of the easiest countries

[22:50] Anyway, it says Panama has a program referred to as specific countries or friendly countries program I've mentioned this before did a show on it maybe two years ago now remember Of course, the US is one of those countries then it says it requires one simple application And a deposit of five thousand dollars in a local bank, but then get this it says applicants will also have to show proof of some meaningful economic activity or employment in Panama such as ownership of a Panama corporation that actually does business or a purchase of income-producing real estate or an employment contract from a business in Panama then it says of course it's at the discretion of the Panamanian authorities to determine if your situation or Business qualifies as meaningful economic activity

[23:38] Then it says you'll be able to get your passport and nationality after five years as a permanent resident However, then it says the Panama government has discretion on the naturalization process If you don't spend significant time in the country during those five years They may decide not to grant you your passport and citizenship So basically they're strictly counting the number of days you are in Panama And if you just come in and out a couple of days or weeks a year, they're not gonna like that So technically if you have residency in Panama They say you can be out up to two years and then come back in and maintain the residency It also says they're counting the days you're in the country so that when you go for your passport If they feel you haven't been in the country long enough, they'll deny your application and this according to international Man is the easiest country in the world to get residency. Yeah, but then what about passport?

[24:27] That's what you get residency for right so you can get your passport in five years. Anyway, here's something else They don't tell you as a tourist. You can stay in Panama for six months That's without having your permanent residency, right coming in as a tourist after that You need to leave the country for 30 days before you can reenter Now if you plan on driving in Panama as a tourist you can stay six months But they only let you drive for 90 days Then you have to leave the country for 30 days before you can return and drive Yep, it's nuts. But that's the new rule Not only that used to be when you apply for residency You only needed a sheriff's or police good conduct report from your city or county But now you need an FBI report, which is nationwide So for example, if you have a DUI or a small infraction in a state outside of your own

[25:14] It'll show up on that FBI report So lately Panama's tightening up on residency and you know, a lot of those things I just mentioned for me are deal-breakers But that's not all if you get temporary your permanent residency and you don't plan on staying much in Panama You can get a multi-entry visa stamp on your passport for 50 bucks And if you forget or you don't know about it and you leave and come back in it's a two thousand US dollar fine They'll note that on your US passport. Now, how's that gonna look when you go for your Panama passport? Then there's Guatemala, which is one of the reasons we do the seminar there still all you need is a police or sheriff's report and after five years of permanent residency you apply directly for passport and nationality and you only have to return to the country one day a year to maintain your residency and unlike Panama when you finally

[26:03] Do go for your passport. They won't hold it against you or arbitrarily Disqualify you because they say you haven't spent enough time in the country Oh, and by the way in Guatemala, you don't have to open a corporation by land have a business or have an employment contract Not for temporary residency All you need is a sheriff's report no FBI report and a Latin lawyer to get the ball rolling and Bouch for you and after two years you automatically go to permanent residency You don't have to prove any income or make any kind of investment or business at all and to go to permanent residency Directly Guatemala has it all over Panama, but you knew that already, right? So as for this information It's all over the net even from so-called trusted sources Which is why you absolutely have to get boots on the ground in one way or another

[26:49] Oh and before we finish up today Don't forget if you're thinking about or working on your plan B and can't make it down to the seminar The very next best thing is to take my expat essentials course Just go to expat plan B calm Oh and for all you guys and gals out there who are juggling your schedules trying to work it out so that you can Come down to my January seminar if you're looking to save an extra 500 bucks on top of the early bird discounts I can usually hook you up with a roommate so you can share double occupancy Same sex of course because you know here in Latin America. We don't break things down into 65 different genders That's one of the reasons to have a plan B to get far far away from that kind of crazy South of the border This is the expat files living in Latin America

[27:38] If you want me to help you out with your own plan B Just schedule a one-on-one consult send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to learn how to move forward with your own plan B from right up there in the States go to www.expatplanb.com and check out my three videos. See ya nos vemos