#719 – The Expat Files: Navigating Life, Traffic, and Legal Challenges in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play And now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great And it's all right here so let's get started Alright, how about this for a wild and crazy boots on the ground story Since I'm usually in one of the big Latin cities, I'm driving through traffic all the time So I do see accidents, plenty of them In fact, I can't say a single day goes by without me seeing at least a pile of glass

[00:49] And a bumper laying on the side of the road Man, they have so many fender benders here Mostly, and you've heard me say this before, it's because of the diminished personal space issue Which extends beyond people to parking lots, cars, elevators, bank lines, even beaches Of course, a lot of that has to do with the fact that Latins are kind of pint sized Compared to the average, you know, hulking gringo I mean, we're not only taller but we're a lot fatter Except of course when we're talking about Latinos from Mexico They may be short, but they're running neck and neck with the US in the poundage and flab department So anyway, if you move down here to Latin America or even visit You're going to have to get used to that personal space problem It'll drive you nuts at first People leaning on you in bank lines, kids touching you

[01:37] Especially way off the gringo tourist trail where most of them have never been really close to a gringo before Like I mentioned in the past show I'd roughly estimate that probably the only one in 20 Latinos has ever actually spoken a single word to a gringo Of course, when you're on the tourist trail, practically every Latin speaks to a gringo once in a while But when you're off the trail, like I am, I can tell you I've had people come up to me and say, man I'm a little bit nervous This is the very first time I've ever had any personal contact with a gringo So even if you kind of get used to the personal space issue You'll never get used to it when you're driving or in traffic Like I said, practically every single day I'm riding around a big city I'll see little piles of glass Which of course means there was a fender bender and you just came a little late on the scene So be prepared to get pissed off

[02:22] The worst offenders being motorcyclists You've heard me say that before But before you accuse me of being obsessed with the motorcycle issue because I talk about it quite a bit Well, I can tell you, even if you have a calm, steady personality And give them a pass as they whip right next to you Maybe you don't mind the soot they blow out of their exhaust And the whine of their motors Or the handlebars scratching your paint job Maybe you think it's cute when your side view mirror gets knocked out of joint Even if you can put up with that and not get too pissed off You'll find if you drive at night Which isn't recommended, you know that But is unavoidable sometimes Without a doubt, you'll be quickly confronted with a motorcycle or two Or even three Without taillights or even headlights So the trick is not to ram into these guys

[03:08] I know you're thinking, what do you mean, Johnny? I drive better than that, I can at least spot a guy in front of me I mean, even if he doesn't have a rear light You can hear him or even see the silhouette Well, I'm here to tell you that's not always true Because in my favorite place, the Altiplano Which is above maybe 3,500 feet All the way up to maybe 10,000 feet above sea level You are now in a place that's considered in the geography books To be the Cloud Forest Now, what do you think they call it the Cloud Forest? Well, it's not the rain forest Because it's not exactly tropical like at lower sea levels But there's a ton of vegetation Especially in the rainy season, it's very humid So you can bet at least a dozen times a year Probably a lot more If you drive kind of regularly

[03:55] You're going to end up in a cloud, which is fog, right? And the fog will be so dense You won't be able to see five feet in front of you I've been in it hundreds of times And I'm talking about in the daytime Imagine what it's like at night In fact, just a couple of years ago I was in that situation at night And was sideswiped by I don't even know what But I think it was a white truck Because the next day when I looked at the huge crease Down the whole side of my car There were lots of remnants of white paint And the way the crease was, I kind of deduced that it was a pickup truck Though I'll never be sure because the guy just kept on going So how'd that happen? Why didn't I see this guy? Why didn't he see me? Well, I had my lights on And I always, like every gringo, have most of my lights and safety features in good condition

[04:42] However, this guy appeared to be a motorcycle But what had actually happened was he had a burnt out headlight And my bad luck, actually his bad luck too Was that the burnt out light was on the center line side of the road And since on most roads in Latin America, they don't even paint a center line Well, we kissed and didn't make up So then whose fault was it? Obviously 100% his fault No headlight So how can you plan for that or avoid it? Well, the only way? Don't drive Not a good alternative for most of us So as far as fender benders, don't say it won't happen to you Even if you have barely drive, it's gonna happen, I guarantee it Luckily for me and everybody else who lives here in Latin America

[05:27] Body work is extremely cheap I mean unbelievably cheap Unless of course you go to a body shop at a car dealer Like Toyota, Nissan, whatever And really the only reason to go to one of those places would be if you have car insurance And they say take it to so and so's body shop because they gotta deal with them Oh and that reminds me, remember last week I told you we were gonna have a Bitcoin miner Speak at my next Expat Insider Seminar in January? Oscar? Well, it just so happens that he got in a pretty good sized wreck not so long ago And he's got a nice car, even though it's 10 years old, it looks very sharp Something here in Latin America that only gringos seem to be able to pull off Fact is, if you see a car that's 10 years old or even older And it is in really good shape, chances are it's owned by a gringo or expat

[06:14] Or it's owned by a little old lady from Chi Chi Castanango when she only drives as a church on Sunday Anyway, Oscar got broadsided so hard that his front door was completely collapsed Practically cratered straight through to the interior And really no possible way to repair it, he had to have another door Now there are plenty of boneyards here in Latin America And since probably only 3% of the Latin population have full coverage insurance And maybe 5% having any kind of insurance at all That's the first place that body shops will scrounge for spare parts Now as for gringos and expats, up in the States almost all of us have full coverage So when we get in a wreck, it just goes off to a body shop And if it needs any replacement parts, they're always new Up where you are in always tall cases, boneyards are for very old cars

[07:01] That probably don't have full coverage only liability And they aren't really worth buying original parts for Because new parts are just too expensive Especially if you don't have full coverage and you're paying for them out of your own pocket You may have heard a while back, I think it was Consumer Reports Decided to price out every single part on a particular car In other words, they priced all the spare parts down to last little screw and nut From a certified dealer's supply counter Turns out if you assemble a car that way, it costs six times as much Than if you bought one straight off the lot By the way, with most junkyards or boneyards up in the States The parts they mostly sell are mechanical parts Like motors, alternators, blocks, radiators, transmissions, etc So for gringos here in Latin America, if you're getting a wreck, your mindset is Well, sure the body work's going to be very cheap

[07:47] But if I have to get real replacement parts, man, that's going to cost me Coming from a dealer, I'll be paying gringo prices all the way And maybe even shipping if it's coming from the States Well, you know what, that ain't necessarily so In fact, if you've got a car like a Nissan Honda, Kia, Hyundai, Chevrolet All the common models If you get in a wreck, you may never have to order an original replacement part Down here, the little independent guys in their little body shops Will always be able to hunt your parts down However, if you're the kind of person who didn't put much thought Into the purchase of your vehicle, you just bought one because you liked The way it looked at a price and it doesn't happen to be a common model Like for example, Mini Cooper, Fiat, Alfa Romeo, Skoda, Seat Or any of the kind of off-brands you almost never see up in the States either

[08:34] Well, they've got them all down here and all the dealerships you have up in the States Except if you get in a wreck with one of those models There's so few sold as compared to, let's say, Ford If you get in a wreck, your body guy will have to order original parts And it'll probably be new and very expensive However, having new replacement parts is the mindset of most gringos up in the States You have insurance, so the body shop puts in new parts, right? And you really don't get much thought to what it costs Because you're paying the deductible, that's it Now for example, our cryptocurrency guy, Oscar, who got broadsided He knew he needed a new door and he said, Johnny, this is going to cost me Even if the body works cheap, he said A door's got to cost four, five, six hundred bucks And who knows what other original parts I'll have to get

[09:19] I looked at the car and I said, Oscar, how much do you think it's going to cost you to fix it? He said, two grand maybe And I said, Oscar, let's talk to my guy You know, I've got a guy for everything Then I told Oscar about my guy Now here's a guy that worked at a well-known body shop for at least twenty years But he moonlights on the side Does work out of his house Here's a guy that doesn't even have a car, in fact The very first time I met him, some years back He was, by the way, turned on to me by my Latin lawyer I said to my lawyer, where does this guy live? I'll drive my car over there, because I had a simple fender bender And he said, Johnny, you'll never find the place Better you park your car at my office and we'll have him come over and look at it So next day, we set a time, he was mañana late And this you'll never believe, you can't make this stuff up

[10:06] He came riding in on his bicycle Took out a little toolkit Unbolted the front right fender from my car Strapped it onto his bike with bungee cords Set a date to meet me back in the parking lot two days later And he came right back with that fender Toting it on his bike again He took it up, bolted it on, and man, good as new Cost me something like forty bucks I mean, really, up in the States, you can't even get a Maytag repairman Or an electrician to come out and give you an estimate for forty bucks However, here in Latin America, it's like flashing back to the 1960s I'm telling you And how can prices be so ridiculously low? Well, for one thing, the guy doesn't have a body shop, no overhead He's got no car I mean, think of the irony A body shop guy who doesn't have his own car

[10:53] And not even a motorcycle But someday, he said, someday So anyway, before we had this little guy come over and take a look at it Oscar said he thought, two grand Because it needs a new door, definitely And who knows if you could find a door for his model But it was a common enough brand And I said, well, I think maybe my guy, since I know him And I know how cheap he is And he does really good work I said, I think maybe a grand Then Oscar said, well, if it's just a grand, sure, I'll have it done But you know, if it's two grand, maybe I'll just sell it really cheap I'd be better off buying something new or light new Since two grand goes a long way here in Latin America Alright, so then came the day of reckoning, the estimate So I phoned up the little guy and said, hey I got a client for you

[11:39] But we're not coming down to your place because he'll get lost Now, it's not a dangerous neighborhood It's just full of wild and twisty little alleys and stuff Big time personal space problem Everyone parks on the streets, so man It's like a giant neighborhood maze you might not find your way out of Unless you know your way around Anyway, I said, let's meet at a Walmart parking lot There's a lot of Walmarts around And everyone knows where they are Convenient location, no way to get lost By the way, when people here in Latin America sell Used cars on OLX.com or in the newspaper, whatever Or just advertising that a car is for sale The old fashioned way by taking a white grease pencil And writing for sale your phone number and the price On the back windshield Man, you'll see that all the time Well, one of the usual and safe meetup places for prospective buyers

[12:27] Is a Walmart or McDonald's or mall parking lot Oh, speaking of writing the price And your phone number on the back windshield My mother tells me in Chicago That's illegal now, you can't even write for sale on your car And put the number down Oh man, am I glad I don't live there So be aware when you've got people interested in buying something from you Often the best place to do a deal is in a Walmart, McDonald's or mall parking lot Works for body shop estimates on cars like Oscar did That goes for selling dogs, appliances, musical instruments Anytime you want to sell something and you don't want people you don't know Traips in through your house, that's not a good idea In fact, I know a gringo lady who was selling a master bedroom set People came through her house and started taking pictures of the place with their cell phone

[13:17] And she said, oh no, no, none of that Now, of course, in that case a bedroom set's way too big to haul around in the back of your car Or even a pickup truck, you get the point When at all possible, show what you're going to sell in a safe public space like a Walmart parking lot Of course, there's a limit to how long you can stay in a parking lot and show your car off, for example You can't just pop the trunk in the hood, set up a lawn chair and grab a beer from the cooler You try that and the rent-a-cops in the parking lot are going to kick you out real fast So you've got to be a little discreet about it Which is why if you're going to sell something like, for example, even a dog You just make arrangements with whoever phones you up and wants to look at it Tell them you'll be in the last row at the far end of the parking lot Usually not too many people park there Then it's unlikely you'll irritate or cultivate the ire of the rent-a-cops

[14:04] I've been through it myself a number of times, both as a seller and a buyer But remember, this is Latin America when you make a date to meet somebody for a rendezvous like that We're on mañana time, so 10 o'clock might be 11 or 11.30 Meaning you just might be sitting around for an hour or so And the rent-a-cops, well, they'll notice that Now, if you're just a local Latin, they might surely kick you out But when you're off the gringo tourist trail especially Your gringo advantage will likely kick in as it has done for me many times Which tends to buy me a lot more lingering time in the parking lot Sometimes unlimited lingering time in the lot Relatively speaking, of course So anyway, Emilio the body man showed up in the Walmart parking lot

[14:51] Right on time, I might add Highly unusual First thing he said in Spanish, of course, was, man, you need a new door I can't bump that out He paced a bit, said, you know, this job's gonna take four or five days Now, Oscar knows about as many words in Spanish as Groot knows in English So I did all the wheeling and dealing and the little guy said, 500 bucks Wow, that price was so much lower than even I thought it would be It was so low he caught me off guard I didn't even feel like haggling with him And for a second Oscar was in disbelief He said, what about the door? Does that include a new door? Yep, includes the door Of course, you'll find one at a boneyard Who cares, right? Then Oscar said, 500 bucks I was thinking that was what a door would cost, maybe more

[15:37] So anyway, we made the deal, Oscar shook on it Generally, these lone wolf corner operators get 50% down and 50% when things are done However, you just don't give them the money if you don't know him I've used this guy many times before, so no problem Though I did give Oscar a little word of warning, a caution You see, almost every time you deal with anyone who's doing repair work Whether it's fixing your washing machine stove, plumbing, electricity They'll give you a price, and they'll say, yeah, that's it, man, that's the price However, being that this is Latin America A person's word is not necessarily binding, neither is a handshake You know, up in the States, a handshake is supposed to be a gentleman's agreement Down here? Forget about it Was it Mark Twain that once said, in some places, a handshake ain't worth the paper it's printed on

[16:24] In fact, as ex-pat Eddie says, and you know, he's hired and fired many people Ran a lot of businesses He says, if, as they say, you're only as good as your word Your word is your bond and all that You might as well not come down to Latin America So what am I getting at? Well, like I told Oscar, do not be surprised If on the final day, or a couple of days before the job is done, you get a phone call Hello, Senor Oscar There's good news and bad news The good news, the car's done, the bad news, the paint costs a little more So it'll be around $25 extra Expect a little bit of that Happens almost all the time But remember, it's never a big chunk It's maybe 5 or 10 percent Then Oscar said, $25 I was going to offer the guy an extra $50 if he'd just get the car done in that time frame

[17:14] Five days So just a little heads up here Expect a little surcharge, maybe 5 percent along the way And expect a lot of the usual and wild excuses too When they try to break that news to you Been through it a hundred times, no biggie Now I started out telling a little story today, and I wavered into another Let me wave her back I was talking about motorcycles, called motos down here Which everyone driving a car hates with a passion However, driving a motorcycle is a big step up For any poor or lower middle class Latin who have to take the chicken bus every day That would be from 60 to 80 percent of the population So you've got two factions there People driving cars, maybe 10 percent of the population Who, if they could snap their fingers and see every motorcycle disappear

[18:02] And every motorcyclist too, they have done it yesterday Then you've got all the people that can't afford to drive a motorcycle yet That would be moving on up They're all dreaming of having a motorcycle some day Because that instantly transports a person into another strata or class As my gardener once said to me No pretty girl in her right mind wants to ride the chicken bus, but she has to That's why a young guy with a motorcycle is on every young girl's wish list Anything to avoid the fate of riding a chicken bus the rest of your life So if there ever was a society where looks were a woman counted above all That's Latin America, because a poor girl with good looks If she plays her cards right, will never ride the chicken bus again She'll have a guy with a moto

[18:48] So there's that societal love-hate relationship with motorcycles down here People with cars and trucks hate them Meanwhile it's a dream of the poor and lower classes to get one And yesterday I saw a classic example of that Cultural motorcycle love-hate relationship in spades Turns out I was merging into that famous Pan American highway You know it goes from Alaska all the way down to Panama City That's the main growth corridor throughout Latin America Anyway I was on a wealthier section of the Pan American highway Actually on a ramp merging in An area of lots of upscale malls and gated communities So naturally a lot of nice cars So you have that Along with the usual quota of annoying motorcycles As usual doesn't matter if it's an upscale area

[19:35] You see them blow in smoke clogging up the intersections Passing like fools, weaving in and out of traffic Pulling all those crazy stunts us gringles and expats Never really get used to Anyway I was stopped at an overpass Waiting for my turn to merge into the Pan American highway As I was waiting there I was looking at another part of the Pan American highway The entrance ramped in the other direction I saw a little guy on a motorcycle In fact it was a Pizza Hut delivery motorcycle Going the wrong way up the ramp Because it was a shortcut A lot of motorcyclists do that They go against traffic Why? Because they can And there's pretty much no law enforcement officer Who's going to stop them Yeah right, law enforcement in Latin America Talk about an oxymoron Anyway a guy with a rather nice car was stopped

[20:22] Waiting to merge on the other side And he started to pull out And the motorcycle going the wrong way down the ramp Cut right in front of him The car nailed him He flipped end over end The motorcycle got destroyed And the guy was laid out like a pancake In the middle of the road So there I was stopped at the ramp About 30 feet from where the guy and his motorcycle were laying And suddenly a half a dozen people Who were waiting at the chicken bus stop About 30 feet away Ran over to help the guy They were so concerned Meanwhile the ramp traffic is at a dead standstill And all the people in there are nice cars And I could see this very clearly through the windshield They were smiling and making hand gestures As if the guy who hit the motorcyclist Had just made a goal

[21:07] Not only that I saw in another car The guy high five his passenger Like man score one for the team, you know So to get what was happening there All the little people The ones that ride the chicken bus The ones that are looking to buy a motorcycle Someday, that's their goal They ran over to help the guy So concerned for the guy Who went the wrong way up the ramp And paid a high price for it Meanwhile, drivers in nice cars Viewed the incident as a Kind of a karmic payback For all the jerks on motorcycles that have ever pissed them off And as for me, where did I stand? Well I was thinking Darwin was right Now I don't know if the guy survived But I know who's going to pay the price The driver of the car Because you see

[21:53] Judges in Latin America are quite partial to the little guy Even if he's drunk and driving the wrong way down a street And you hit him Like my lawyer once said Unofficially, you either get the hell out of there Or if you can't You pull out your wallet And offer to make a settlement on the spot Even if it's 100% the other guy's fault And that's why almost none of that kind of stuff ever ends up in court Because the guy with the car or a little money Pays off And if the driver of the vehicle Who hits the pedestrian or motorcyclist Is driving a rusted out wreck In other words, he doesn't have a pot to pee in either Well when the cops arrive He'll get hauled down And there'll be a court case He'll lose no matter what And because he's got no money to grease anyone

[22:38] There'll be a judgment against him He'll get put on the five year payment plan He'll pay maybe two or three payments And skip out on the rest of the deal That's what usually happens if the person he hit survives That includes pedestrians Now if you're driving a vehicle And you happen to kill someone Even if that person's drunk in the middle of the road at night Or he's driving down the wrong way drunk on a motorcycle You'll be going to jail Which is why you definitely have to have a Latin lawyer on your side A guy in your pocket Your regular lawyer Because he'll work it out generally So you only spend a day or two or a weekend in the slammer In fact I know of two cases One in Colombia One in Costa Rica Where a gringo killed a pedestrian And another guy killed a guy on a bike

[23:24] The gringo without a regular lawyer Kind of a backpacking guy He spent about six months in jail And his parents and relatives up in the States Had to kick in quite a bit of dough to work it all out That kind of ruins your life for a while And the life of your friends and relatives up in the States They'd have to bail you out Calm down, do the legwork and get the translators Because the legal system's all in Spanish Now the other guy who had a friendly Latin lawyer on his side A guy he could ring right up and get through to He ended up spending three or four days in jail And they took his car of course He had to go to court a couple of times However he did have liability insurance So the family got paid out Though it cost him around five thousand bucks To grease the rusty manana time skids of the Latin court system Now the whole time as it was going through court

[24:10] Took about a year The guy, the gringo, couldn't leave the country They put an embargo on his passport Sounds scary doesn't it However his lawyer did tell him That if he just waited it out Everything would be fine Remember he was not in jail He just couldn't leave the country And his lawyer said If things did take a turn for the worse Which he didn't expect He explained that Latin country borders Are even more porous than the Mexican US border Oh and I knew of another such case of a gringo With an embargo on his passport Now that doesn't mean they take your passport That just means if you go to the airport Or a land border When they swipe your passport Through the barcode reader There's a red flag and they won't let you pass through However as mentioned All Latin countries have extremely porous borders

[24:58] Almost completely unguarded porous borders too Which means all lawyers Though they won't tell you this unless you really get into trouble Have ways of scooting you out of the country Into a neighboring one Now I know that sounds like a drastic measure And it is But hey, riddle me this If you were in that kind of trouble up in the states Would your lawyer on the sly Offer that kind of clandestine service? I don't think so Hey I'm not recommending any of this But remember the name of this show is The Exped Files Living in Latin America So would you rather hear the international living Nice cutesy sanitized version of Latin America Or what it's really like? I think I know the answer to that And why you're listening to this show Oh and one more thing Talk about law enforcement being an oxymoron here

[25:45] The other day I was driving on a busy section of road And there was a motorcycle trying to pass me And on it Where a husband I think his wife And three little kids That's five people on a 150cc bike On a major road with lots of traffic Trying to pass me And dead ahead On the same side of the road I see some construction and a couple of traffic cops I sped up a bit to distance myself from the idiots on the motorcycle I pulled over to the cop Rolled my window down and said Hey you gotta do something about that Give those guys a ticket Do something Look five on a bike They're coming up behind me right now And the cop looked at me like I was nuts So the road construction went on another couple blocks At the end of it Another bunch of traffic cops

[26:31] I did the same thing Pulled up a little ahead Said hey you gotta do something about that There's five people on a bike Little kids Give them a ticket Stop them Do something They looked at me like I was crazy They too did nothing That's your so called law enforcement for you Alright we're near the end of the show now I'd like to remind you You can still sign up for my January 2018 Expat Insider Seminar To check out the itinerary And the pricing Just go to the New Expat dot com website And click on the seminar link Remember this time Along with the rest of the drinking from the fire hose treatment We have two very special guests Talking about how to make money in a cryptocurrency game Let's face it Many people with a plan B coming down to Latin America Will eventually have to make some money And these two guys are gonna show you how

[27:17] They're both doing it and you can too Believe me you won't want to miss this One is the world famous Bitcoin Dan and the other Oscar A genuine cryptocurrency miner You heard of them before By the way Great miner Bad driver South of the border This is The Expat Files Living in Latin America If you want me to help you out with your own plan B Just schedule a one on one consult Send me an email at theexpatfiles at gmail.com And if you want to learn how to move forward With your own plan B From right up there in the states Go to www.expatplanb.com And check out my three videos See ya Nos vemos