#74 – The Expat Files: Mormons, Litter, and Living Securely in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:02] Hi everybody, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you what it's really like to live, work, play, and or retire in Latin America. I tell it just like it is, not the version they give you in those glossy travel magazines, or the picture they paint for you in those international traveler websites, where they're only trying to sell you something. What's it really like for expats living in Latin America? Well, it's time to take off those rose-colored glasses and find out. So let's get started. One of the strangest things I've ever come across, since I've been down here in Latin America, is that no matter where you go, whether you're in a big city, small town, out in the boonies, in the jungles, at the tourist sites, everywhere you go, it seems that sooner or later, you always spot or run into a pair of young Mormon guys.

[00:50] And generally they fit the pattern of a pair of young tall blue-eyed blonde kids that look an awful lot like a short-haired version of Hulk Hogan with half the muscles. Now I don't know where they get these guys, but they all seem to come out of the same mold, always at least six foot tall, which means that they stand at least one head taller than the average Latin guy down here. That means when you're in the big city, where there's throngs of people, these guys stand out like sore thumbs because their blonde heads pop way up above the crowd, especially when they're in elevators. And of course, they have the usual black pants and white short-sleeved shirt regalia, along with a medium-sized backpack, which is generally always black too. And you know, I don't know how they keep those shirts so white-impressed, because when I have a white shirt, it doesn't last me more than three hours before I get a spot on it,

[01:38] or worse. You know, I don't know much about the Mormon faith itself, except that their founder, Joe Smith, was an absolute nutcase. And if he lived today, they'd probably have him in a straitjacket. And I don't actually know what these Mormon kids do when they're down here, but I can tell you, they got some kind of good luck, because in all the years I've been down here, I've never heard once of a Mormon kid getting assaulted, robbed, or kidnapped. Maybe they knew a few Hulk Hogan moves, who knows. And over time, I've talked to some of these Mormon kids, and they're always in such a good mood, happy-go-lucky, smile on their faces, ready to give anybody a hand, unpretentious, so unconcerned about first-world creature comforts, and things like blackberries, iPods, video games, the Kardashians, Lady Gaga, and Jersey Shore, that it seems as if, somehow,

[02:23] these kids have been transported to this world from somewhere back in the 1950s, back in the leave-it-to-beaver days, that, or they've had a lobotomy. In fact, for all you older expats out there, I'd say these guys are just the kind of kids you always hoped would date your daughters. I mean, they're just full of kind words and respect for elders, and the thing is, they have respect for everybody. Isn't that a far-out concept? Which is exactly the opposite of what you find when you encounter the normal first-world kid these days. And I say normal because these Mormon kids aren't normal compared to the average first-world kid living in 2011, but they'd fit in perfectly fine with kids living in the 1950s. I'm sure of that. By the way, when I said before that I thought John Smith had a screw loose, I can't just say that without a little proof, right?

[03:09] Well, one day, one of these Mormon kids told me that the Book of Mormon says that when you die, if you're a good Mormon and follow all the rules, you get your own planet that you get to occupy with all your wives. Did you get that? They believe that when you die, you get your own personal planet. Hmm. Now that's when the image of the straitjacket came into my mind. Anyway, so you see them all over down here, and sometimes in the oddest places, like right out in the middle of a desolate stretch of road. Sometimes you'll see a couple of these guys just walking along at a leisurely pace, not the least bit concerned that there's not a town within 20 miles, or that it's about to get dark. And the last place you want to be is on a desolate road in Latin America, when the sun's going down. Now to me, what's even stranger is that sometimes I'll pull up to them and I'll say, hey, you

[03:56] guys need a ride? And they'll say, no, we're just walking. Hmm. And I'm certainly no threat. I don't look like Jack the Ripper, that's for sure. And they're walking around at sundown, out in the middle of nowhere. I don't get it. Then again, you might be in a tiny town of maybe 800 people, sitting in a little cantina, and all of a sudden, a couple of Mormon kids will walk right by, as if they were on their way to some kind of important event. Which makes me and a lot of other expats think these guys are either on ecstasy or are just plain fearless. Because often, you see them in some of the worst sections of a town, places where me and other expats wouldn't even drive a car through in the daytime, yet you'll see a couple of young Mormon kids sitting on a stoop or waiting for a bus. And they'll always have at least a half a smile on their face. I don't get it. And I don't know what kind of training they get.

[04:42] I mean, what kind of a crash course they give them before they send them down here to the third world. And what they prepare them for, but whatever it is, it works. Maybe the whole key is that they travel in pairs, and they act completely cool and calm, and unshakable. Yeah, like I said, you might call it fearless. Not that they're aggressive in any way at all, of course they're not. But people just seem to leave them alone, including the bad guys. Maybe it's that universal uniform. Everyone can recognize him a mile away, just like you can recognize a nun or a monk, and no one bothers them either, even if they're in one of the very worst neighborhoods. In fact, in my 20 years down here, the only time I ever heard of a formal clergyman being victimized or assaulted was some years ago, when a Catholic priest got killed in the alley of a gay bar in Nicaragua. Which kind of spells out the rest of the story now, doesn't it?

[05:28] And yes, folks, Nicaragua does have gay bars. But I'll be talking about the gay scene down here on another show, so stay tuned. Not that I have any personal experience in the gay scene, of course, but I know enough to give you the heads up on it. So stay tuned. Now there's a good reason why I'm bringing up this Mormon connection. Because expats, expat wannabes, and tourists, if you ever feel like you're in trouble, you're lost, you need to ask a question, or you need some information. Just head in the general direction of those big blonde Mormon heads bobbing above everyone else's head in the crowd. Because they're awful helpful, and they know a lot about the general goings-on in the areas that they're stationed in. But the thing that seems to baffle me is that they're always young guys. I've never seen Mormon girls down here. Or anybody over the age of 25. And since I'm speaking about religious and charitable organizations that send people

[06:17] down here to do good deeds, at least they think they're doing good deeds, it seems that in some places down here, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting some first-world do-gooder who's hooked up with a church, a non-profit organization, or some kind of charitable group, or even an NGO. And NGOs are short for non-governmental organizations. And I'm going to do a whole show on NGOs in the future, because what started out as a good idea has turned into a loophole for big corruption. So stay tuned for that. Anyway, when it comes to individual small-time charitable organizations, and I emphasize small time here for good reason, anyhow my hat's off to those little groups that come down here, sometimes on their own or with a small group of friends, and they come down usually to the boonies, and they help build schools, and little hospitals and clinics,

[07:05] and they help provide clean water and sanitation, and that includes small groups of doctors and dentists who come down and donate their time, and set up moveable medical clinics in far-off towns, and give treatments to kids that may have never seen a doctor before in their lives. Now, that's the kind of help these people need. They don't need the kind of help that comes from first-world governments, with all kinds of strings attached, where the dollars filter from the first-world country into the hands of the third-world politicians, who are supposed to organize aid programs and distribute resources, and all they end up doing is creating another huge bureaucracy within the third-world government, and it just fattens the wallets of the politicians and their friends and families. I've seen it happen a hundred times, and it's just pathetic. And worse yet, it's when first-world governments and big charitable organizations send food

[07:52] directly down here, sacks of rice, flour, beans, whatever, even fertilizer. That stuff almost always ends up on the black market, or they hold it back right before election time and give it away for the promise of a vote. And if you don't believe me, just look at the case of Haiti. Analysts are saying now that not even 20% of the money that was sent down there, hundreds of millions after the earthquake, has trickled down to the actual people that need it. All that money's gone to the gangs, politicians, and warlords. Man, how could we be that stupid? And speaking of charities, especially high-profile ones, I'm warning you first-worlders up there. Forget about those TV campaigns where you see a malnourished, starving kid, and they're asking you to donate so many dollars a week to feed a kid in need and send them to school,

[08:40] Sally Struthers-style. In my experience, those are the kind of charity programs you want to stay away from, at least when they say they're going to help kids down here in Latin America. I've heard that story before. They end up having a huge bureaucracy and only a tiny fraction of that money ever gets down to where it's supposed to. Now I'm not saying that all those televised charitable campaigns are bogus, but listen to this. Last year, in a hotel in Honduras, I met a 40-something Canadian named Eldon. Now he was traveling alone through Latin America, on kind of a low budget, but not exactly backpacking it, and part of his mission was to meet the young Latin American girl that he'd been supporting monthly for the past five years. He'd been sending a small amount, like $15 a month, Canadian that is, to a Save the Kids-style foundation that does a lot of TV advertising up in Canada.

[09:28] And they also do big snail mail campaigns every once in a while. And in this particular program, if you send so much a month, in his case, like $15, they'd assign you your very own young kid, who in this case was living in some small town in Honduras in abject poverty, and they'd send you updates and reports every six months or so. That way, you can monitor the progress of your surrogate child, and you'd even get the occasional photo, and if you knew some Spanish, you could correspond with the kid if you felt like it. Now my new Canadian friend Eldon, who by the way is a real estate developer up there, and we all know right now real estate is a complete bust, and that's why Eldon was able to take a few months off. He was not kind of a life-affirming trip, because he figured he wouldn't have much to come back to, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Eldon was carrying a little file on that little Honduran girl he'd been supporting

[10:17] for five years, ever since she was about three years old. He had pictures, report cards, little letters in Spanish, photos of the little schoolhouse and her friends, which shows this guy Eldon has a really good heart. And he told me that since he started sending money, since the girl was three years old, he would keep sending it until she was 18, or even longer if necessary, because he said, you know, she's on the edge of poverty, and if suddenly I was to cut off that tiny bit of money, $15 a month, who knows where she'd end up. In my experience, I gotta say, Canadians are like that, at least the ones I've met down here as an expat. And there are a lot of Canadians down here, not many as permanent expats, but there are a lot of Canadian backpackers, and tourists in general. Most of them come down here, because up there, their weather really sucks, and though they're

[11:03] not likely to complain about it. Canadians aren't like that. They all really know, deep down inside, though they don't admit it, you can only live like a popsicle for so long, and they just gotta get out in the hot sun and tropics every once in a while. Though they all say they love hockey and skiing and winter sports. Deep down, I know they'd all rather be frying in the sun, because the first thing they always do when they first get off the plane, is to get so sunburned, that they turn into a red lobster, which is part of the Canadian third world vacation ritual. Now being that Eldon and I were on the same general trajectory, we were both on our way down to the capital of Honduras, Tegucigalpa. Try saying that three times. Anyway, I decided to go with him down to that charitable foundation's headquarters, where he wanted to make a surprise visit and meet the little girl he was supporting.

[11:49] So we made our way down to a middle class, residential area of town, and I mean middle class in a Latin American sense, which in first world terms would be on the edge of poverty. Somewhat like a first world ghetto, with a thousand more potholes, but with much better front yards. And though to a first worlder, you might say these houses were run down and pretty tacky. But every once in a while, there'd be a much nicer looking house or business. All spiffed up, freshly painted, and with a real nice garden. And when we got to the address of this charitable foundation, we noticed that the house, which was first world style and very big, about four or five thousand square feet. It was by far the best maintained and the best looking house in the whole neighborhood. It was the only house in the area that was absolutely perfectly well manicured, with

[12:34] a very nicely done lawn and garden, with a gardener working out in front. And it had a big, guarded, fenced in parking lot, which took up a whole extra lot and had about 20 cars in it. And I said, Eldon, you see what I see? And then he gave me a kind of a weak nod. The parking lot was in perfect condition too, and just filled with late model cars. It looked like executive row in a parking lot in a big company in the United States. Half of them SUVs and even a few late model Range Rovers. Now that was a huge contrast to the rest of the cars in that neighborhood, parked along the adjacent street and in the neighboring driveways. There wasn't a new or late model car to be seen in this neighborhood, anywhere else but in that parking lot. And by now, I was a little suspicious, but Eldon, he wasn't getting distraught.

[13:22] Like every other Canadian I know, he's an eternal optimist. So we walked in the front door, and the first thing we saw was a secretary at the front desk and behind her, a big open room with about 6 or 7 desks, each one with a new computer and one of those expensive wide body LCD monitors. Not something you see every day in a standard Latin American business office, let me tell you. And the office furniture was high tech and modular, and if you could believe this, they had Herman Miller office chairs. Now those things go for $1,000 a piece. Is there something wrong with this picture? Anyway, the walls and partitions and artwork were first world all the way, including one of those $1,000 imported cappuccino machines from Italy, and of course, I took advantage of that. And on one big wall, there was a montage of photos of little kids, just like the one that

[14:11] Eldon was supporting. And that was the first sign that we had since we got there, that we were in the right place. Now when Eldon walked up to the secretary and pulled out his little file, and asked if she could direct him to the school the little girl was attending, or to the house where she was living, she looked a little surprised and taken back. Then she asked him if he had an appointment, and he said no, he was just passing through and he'd like to look up the little girl that he's been supporting for 5 years. And being Canadian, Eldon was polite and said it very nicely. Well then the secretary got up, said excuse me a minute, and walked behind a big tropical hardwood door that would have been worth $5,000 in the states if it was worth a cent. And she didn't come out for about 10 minutes, and when she did, she asked Eldon to write down his name, his email and his telephone number, and she said she'd get back to him

[14:57] shortly, probably within a day, and she'll give him that information. Well anyway, after 3 or 4 days went by, Eldon still didn't get a phone call or an email. And believe me, he held onto that phone and went to sleep with it under his pillow. He was really determined to see that kid. And when he finally phoned the secretary to see what was up, she was actually pretty abrupt with him. And he said that she explained that their administrative policy does not allow outsiders to have contact with the children, for security reasons. And he said, but I'm not an outsider, I've been paying $15 a month for 5 years, and that little girl sends me letters. And she said, well I'm sorry, that's our policy and I don't make the rules. And I wondered why they didn't tell us that when we first got there. And after that, when we took off and went to Roatan to hang out on one of the best beaches

[15:43] in the world, I might add, Eldon had a long face the whole trip, and I asked him what he was going to do now, because obviously it looked like we needed a good investigative reporter to come down and check out that place. To me, it looked like it was tailor made for 60 minutes or 2020. Anyway, and then Eldon said, you know Johnny, I still think I'm going to send that $15 every month just like I have been doing, even if it could be a scam, because on the off chance that it's legit, I don't want to cut that little girl off. Now isn't that just like a Canadian, didn't I tell you they have a heart? Anyway, that was my only first hand experience with those big time charitable organizations who've got the money to advertise on TV and send out mass mailings. I mean really, who doesn't want to send $15 a month to a kid that's living in a garbage dump?

[16:28] It's your money, but personally, I wouldn't do it. I've heard way too many stories, and I've seen it up close, it's just so easy to scam somebody when they've got a big advertising budget and they're two or three thousand miles away. Instead, if you want to donate, I'd look for some local church organization or charitable group in your own town that's coming down to do some kind of work. Usually there'll be some kind of story in your local newspaper when some group is planning on doing something like that. Or donate to a doctor's group, like Doctors Without Borders, where doctors actually donate their own time and spend their own money, and actually help the people down here one on one and face to face. Okay, enough about that, let's move on to something else. Now this might seem like a small thing to you, but up in the first world, someone throws a plastic cup or a wrapper from a fast food joint, on the ground or out of the window

[17:16] of his car, he's definitely going to get some dirty looks and even a fine if a cop happens to see it. And for that reason, even the biggest of cities are relatively clean up in the first world, except, if you've noticed, in ghetto land. And if you really keep your eyes open, you'll notice that Latin American ghetto land up in the first world is possibly the worst when it comes to general littering. Because you see, Latin ghettos up in the first world are populated by immigrants, legal and illegal, who brought their bad habits with them. They left their own even worse ghettos down in the third world, only to create a kind of Americanized copy of what they came from. And to tell you the truth, down here in the third world, Latins of all social statuses seem to be oblivious to littering. And though you see signs everywhere announcing fines, I've yet to hear of one single case

[18:03] where anyone's actually been fined. Police tweet it the same way as they tweet someone who's openly urinating in the street. They do nothing. Because you see, the police themselves litter too. Many times I've been behind a police car and I've watched them toss litter out their windows. And by the way, like I said, it doesn't matter what class of society you come from, practically everyone litters. I've been behind brand new Range Rovers and Mercedes SUVs, and I've watched kids and their parents throw McDonald's wrappers right out the window. And I'll never forget 20 years ago, the first time I was in Costa Rica, when I was on a chicken bus, there was a sign up front by the driver that said, please don't dirty the bus, throw your litter outside. And you know, I even took a picture of that sign because I wanted to send it to some publication. Preferably a publication like International Living or Conde N'est Traveler, so I could

[18:51] show people what it's really like to live down here. But no dice, that would be bad publicity, wouldn't it? Especially since Costa Rica's Department of Tourism advertises big time in a lot of those magazines. And we can't have reality interfere with that now, can we? And you know, I think I've got a handle on why littering is so prevalent down here and why no one pays any attention to it. It's because Latin America is the land of handbills and flyers. The fact is, all you have to do is park your car in any supermarket or shopping mall parking lot. And I guarantee that two hours later, when you do get back to your car, there's going to be at least two or three flyers shoved in your windshield, whether it's a two for one offer at Pizza Hut, a coupon for a free haircut for your dog, or a fundraiser or rally for some corrupt politician.

[19:37] The way they pass out handbills and flyers out here is completely out of control. So when the average guy gets back to his car and he pulls those flyers out from under the windshield wiper, he looks at them for a second and tosses them right on the ground. But that's not the end of it. As you drive your car out of the parking lot, there's always a couple of guys standing on the out ramp handing out even more flyers with still more offers and deals from different businesses and of course, yet another group of corrupt politicians. And believe it or not, the people in Latin America are so polite, they always roll down their window and take them, even if they have absolutely no intention of even reading them. Now me and every other gringle, we shake our heads no and make a face as if to say, don't bother me with that crap. And you know, the guys handing out those things look disappointed because hardly anybody refuses

[20:23] to take one. And it's just the same when you first drive your car into a parking lot. When you go into one of the automated ones, at some of the newer malls, you know the kind where you press a button, take a ticket and a gate goes up. More than half the time down here, there'll be a guy standing there with an official uniform and he'll actually press that button for you. The gate will automatically raise, as usual. And the guy will take your parking ticket, bundle it up with some flyers from that mall and hand you the whole mess. And now you're stuck with a handful of flyers. Now what do you do with them? Well the average Latin guy scans them for a few seconds and tosses them on the ground. And I forgot to tell you, when you're walking through the mall, as you make your sweep through, you always end up running into four or five people standing in the aisles handing out still more flyers. And usually they're pretty young girls in tight fitting uniforms, so you can hardly

[21:11] resist taking a flyer now, can you? Now you're stuck with yet another handful of flyers. And what do you do with them? Well eventually they end up on the floor again, or in the parking lot, or on the street. And eventually they clog the gutters and the sewers and the drains, and they get into rivers and lakes and yards. And that's why in fact, nearly every city in Latin America, big and small, looks like the aftermath of a tailgate party at Cub Stadium, except for of course in those gated high end subdivisions where the wealthier people live, and that includes a lot of expats of course. And these subdivisions have full time maintenance crews who are forever cleaning up junk like that as part of their job, and doing the gardening. But if you live in the average middle class neighborhood down here, no such luck and you have to depend on the city maintenance crews, which are sporadic at best and sometimes never

[21:58] come around. And while I'm on the subject of how they load you down with flyers, I have to mention that when you buy something in a store, especially in a big supermarket or shopping mall, when they hand you the receipt at the checkout counter, more often than not the cashier will hand you a flyer or two, that two for one pizza hut thing again, or some other kind of offers that are going on in the mall, but no flyers for corrupt politicians because they're not allowed to hand them out in a place of business like that. Not generally that is. And in that case, you're stuck with the damn things too, because she just handed you the whole mess along with the receipt. There goes the rainforest. Whatever happened to the paperless economy, please tell me. Okay, let's move on. I've been getting a lot of emails lately asking me about security. Specifically, how to secure your house or apartment down here when you're not home or

[22:46] you're away on vacation. And that's of course for people who don't happen to have the luxury of living in one of those high rise luxury towers where you have to go past a gated checkpoint just to get in the parking lot. Then once you get in the building, you got to get past another guard to get to your apartment or condo. And when you live in one of those residential high rise towers, they usually have cameras in the elevators and in the halls on every floor. So it's very unlikely that you're going to get a break in even if you go on a long-term vacation. Personally, I've lived in a couple of those high rise residential towers and I've been away for months at a time and I've never had a single problem, except for a few chameleons and scorpions that decided to move in while I was away. But for those of you expats who can't afford to live in a tower like that, or you just don't like that style of living, some people I know need to have their own land and a house

[23:33] to go with it. Well, let me give you a few pointers now. First of all, the one thing that thieves down here hate the most are big dogs. So if you have a fenced-in yard, and that's a must, you have to have a fenced-in yard down here, or you're asking for a break in. Anyway, the two kinds of dogs that Latins fear the most, whether it's your typical criminal or your average Joe on the street, it's Rottweilers and Dobermans. Now any dog that's a Barker can be somewhat of a deterrent to criminals. But if you really want to get serious about it, get a Rottweiler or a Doberman or one of each, and you'll probably never have a break in, even if you're gone for days at a time. But then again, if you're gone for more than two or three days, you're going to have to have someone come in and feed and change the water for your dogs, which complicates things a bit. But if you're gone because you have to go to work every day, or if you have to leave

[24:20] for a day or two, you don't need someone to come in. The fact is, if you have a Rottweiler or a Doberman on the premises, you won't have too many people of any kind coming around. And if you think these dogs are going to sit around and bark all night, that's normally not true. In my experience with Rottweilers, they'll only bark when someone gets pretty close to them. And Dobermans, if you get a high strong one, they'll bark quite a bit. I suggest you get one as a baby, and if you pick the calmest one in the litter, then chances are he'll be just like the Rottweiler and only bark when someone walks up close. Anyway, I'm pretty much an expert when it comes to having dogs for pets and security down here. So if you're interested, I'm preparing a detailed report on just that subject, from soup to nuts on dogs as pets, and exactly how to use them for security and deterrence down here.

[25:06] And by the way, I should mention that if you do have a big dog like that, I suggest you take him for a walk around the neighborhood once in a while, just to show the neighbors and the passerby's what a thief or a trespasser would be up against if they try coming anywhere near your house. Now, I'm not saying Rottweilers and Dobermans are evil and mean, they're not. If you get them young and you treat them right, they will be the best dogs in the world. And the ones that are bad and evil are that way because people mistreated them when they were young. It's the same thing that happens when you constantly mistreat a young kid. You're asking for a future adult that's gonna be bad news, maybe even a Jeffrey Dahmer. Anyway, like I said, Latins are scared to death of these particular two breeds of dogs. Now, you can have a lot of other big dogs around your house, and even a pack of pit bulls if you like. But for some reason, and I don't know where it comes from, it's these two breeds that

[25:54] the people are absolutely petrified of. In fact, down here, when you go into the big cities in some of the industrial neighborhoods and even in middle class neighborhoods, first off, you'll notice that almost everybody has a flat roof, both businesses and residential homes. And that's because people often add an extra story to their house when they get some extra money, which isn't possible if you have a pitched or slanted roof. Well, anyway, a common sight to see on a lot of these flat roofs, especially in populated areas, is a big old Rottweiler sitting there all day and night, just watching the people walking by on the street in the sidewalk below, hardly ever barking, but just watching and biding his time, waiting for some stranger to get close enough so he could take a whack at him. And of course, no one in his right mind would ever do that, because you really can't win

[26:42] a fight when it's with a Rottweiler unless you have a gun. Now, the reason why you occasionally see a Rottweiler lounging on the roof and holding down the fort is because down in the busier and more congested parts of the cities, the houses and businesses are often wedged together with common walls, and if the rooftops weren't fenced in with cyclone fences, which they usually are, you'd be able to walk from one rooftop to another for blocks and blocks and blocks. And almost all of the rooftops have a skylight or two on them, a cheap flimsy plastic one or two usually, and that's maybe the only way a business or a house can get some light into a dark room. Anyway, if a thief could get to one of those skylights, he could break in with one swift kick. And that's why there's a Rottweiler on the roof. Sorry but I'm getting to the end of the show right now, so I'll continue with much more

[27:32] on household security next week. You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America, and don't forget you can email me on anything at all about Latin America. The Expat Files at gmail.com. That's The Expat Files at gmail.com. See you next time. Nos vemos.