#753 – The Expat Files: Life, Culture, and Challenges in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Hey, let's talk about what it takes to leave the USA You know, there's a lot of tire kickers out there You know what that means don't you of all the thousands of people listening to this show? I bet around 15 maybe 20% of them actually act and get the hell out of the US and move down to Latin America

[00:48] Like I said lots of tire kickers out there, you know, I've been to all 20 Latin countries many of them a number of times I've lived in five or six of them for long periods of time even went to Cuba a couple of times You know Americans aren't supposed to go there. So you have to fly in from another Latin country or Europe Hey in the Cubans aren't dumb, you know, they might be stupid, but they're not dumb There's a difference when you land at the Cuban Airport and they see you've got a US passport. They don't stamp it Nope, no entry stamp highly unusual You know in the last couple of years the US has loosened its immigration policy with Cuba and then tightened it again Then loosened it then tightened it hard to know where we're at with that now Maybe these days they will stamp your passport But maybe not and of course the Cuban people and the Cuban government are more than hungry for the US dollar because the Cuban peso

[01:36] Can't be converted to any other currency. So they can't buy anything internationally They've got to use someone else's convertible funny money US or Canadian dollar euro pound, whatever Oh, and by the way, since Canadians don't have any restrictions against Cuban travel There's ton of them in that country just visiting and touring Anyway, Cubans just love American and Canadian tourists because we tip and tip heavily Compared to Europeans and you'll hear that all the time Especially German tourists claimed to be the second worst tippers of all the worst tippers Backpackers and you know a $5 tip to a cabbie is a week's wages in Cuba. I'm not kidding It's a week's wages or more in Venezuela, too Yep, socialism certainly does equalize everybody makes them equally miserable

[02:21] Unless of course you're in the upper echelons of government Then you get a beach house an iphone and netflix So like I said i've been to every latin country and you know I've always made a point whatever new latin city of men to ask around for the nearest gringo slash expat bar You know every latin city over i'd say 20 000 people has at least one of them Yep, even when you're way off the gringo tourist trail Hey, that doesn't mean you're gonna find a bunch of gringos in there you might walk in there's only two or three scraggly looking gringos gone native and some local latino and latina hangers on who speak a Bit of english looking to get their hooks into a gringo for something or other Oh, and when you're in one of those bars do take note of who's sipping on a quart bottle of beer By the way, that's a sure sign of a gringo backpacker or a long-term expat gone native

[03:09] When they're drinking quart bottles of beer because you know, that's the cheapest way to drink here in latin america Yep, unlike in the states all latin beer companies sell quart bottles, you know the jumbo economy size like an all-day sucker Remember those things slowpoke all-day suckers, man showing my age again I guess so note if you pop into a gringo and expat bar who's drinking out of a quart bottle And remember if you pal up to one of those guys You're more than likely going to end up buying him another or maybe lunch Because they're drinking on the ultra cheap and probably don't have the dough to reciprocate But if you want to pal up nothing wrong with that, you know It's a way to meet people if you don't know anyone especially if your spanish sucks and you're desperate for english conversation That can happen by the way But pretty much only when you're off the tourist trail by the way when you're way off the gringo tourist trail and you stop

[03:57] Into a gringo slash expat bar Like I said, there might be only two or three gringos in there But chances are there'll be double or triple the number of european travelers And you know i've noticed a few obvious differences between gringo us backpackers and european backpackers And note if you're down here long enough, you'll be able to pick them out right away They have more diverse and stylish tattoos than americans and a lot more body piercings Not only that they're generally much skinnier than american backpackers By the way, you rarely see a homemade or so-called prison tat on a european person They prefer to have an artist do it and spend the dough could be that they're smarter and just thinking ahead what that thing's gonna Look like 30 years from now speaking of dough seems like all european backpackers are on vacation from really good jobs

[04:42] They get a month or so off work every year and they actually like backpacking unlike americans who do it Because they're cheaper really are short on dough Though american backpackers will bs you and tell you how much they love it The truth is they'd stay in a hilton in a second if they had that kind of dough Oh, and here's another thing european backpackers have funkier beards goaties and mustaches and they're generally more manicured than their american backpacker counterparts Though often for some reason even the females seem to reek of bio a lot worse than gringo backpackers Who sometimes don't reek at all till late in the day? I don't know if it's an aversion to deodorant or what but there's a lot of that going down You'll notice if you take a trip through europe Oh and european backpackers are usually paler whiter and they walk with a more determined strut and purpose

[05:29] Oh, and there's another big difference european backpackers wear lots of leather leather pants leather purses Leather vests shoes sandals underwear. Hey, whatever turns you on right arm bands headbands hats Nope, not the fake stuff. They wear the real thing Whereas most gringo backpackers have an aversion to wearing animal products and that is a fundamental difference European backpackers seem to be just as tuned into if not more regarding ecology and saving the planet etc But they love wearing leather Somebody might want to explain that to me sometime though. That is further proof that europeans have a lot more disposable income Real leather is very expensive. Hey, I prefer real leather myself. So sue me By the way, you'll find most backpackers gringos and europeans don't hang out at expat bars

[06:18] Not in the daytime or afternoon. Anyway, normally they've got a purpose They're gonna go climb a mountain do some hiking hit the ancient ruins Check out a waterfall swimming some mystical pool in the jungle Whatever and generally at night when everyone likes to party backpackers will hang around the communal areas at the various hostels Any place they can get free wi-fi and suck down quarts of beer But note backpackers are generally nice communal type people who share stuff Including but not limited to bug spray sun black emodium and quarts of beer now as for me I never stay in a hostel In fact when I walk into those places, I won't even sit on the furniture in the sitting area That stuff's usually so old and ratty and saturated with sweat coffee soda beer and stale pheromones You know organic remnants of a thousand dysentery backpackers

[07:06] That's why if I go into one of those places for whatever reason I prefer to stand. Thank you very much Now you might think this is anal. Maybe it is But when I walk into any latino's house or a public place and I see they have fabric chairs and sofas I'll look around for a plastic wooden or metal one Even if it's slightly uncomfortable That's my preference because chances are a maid or a cleaning lady has wiped it down and maybe even disinfected it Hopefully since the new millennium. However, there's no way to deal house sanitize or kill the cooties When it comes to fabric furniture in a high traffic area, especially in the tropics I know I know a lot of you are thinking i'm going overboard on the clean freak stuff Maybe I had too many biology courses read too many science books and looked under the microscope one too many times

[07:51] But you know, I haven't had montezuma's revenge for more than 10 years Must be doing something right since most backpackers get a regular dose of it at least once a month But I digress. Anyway, let me tell you what usually would happen when I walk into one of these expat slash gringo bars Usually the first gringo you come face to face with will say hey, where are you from? They all say that but so what it's non-threatening and it works Hey, bro Where are you from is the universal icebreaker? And of course the next line out of a person's mouth is usually what brings you way down here And you know if it's 10 or 11 in the morning Every one in the place is a boozer and from that you can infer most of them have gone native too In other words a little scruffy look like they slept in their clothes Discolored tooth or two or even missing one by the way

[08:39] That's a 100 percent sure sign that a gringo's gone native when he flashes the pearly whites and they ain't so pearly or white And if there's a black hole or two in that grin, you know He's gone native because if there's one thing gringos are known for throughout the world is good strong white straight teeth Yes, us gringos like no other culture have a vanity thing on steroids going when it comes to our teeth Which is why we get an instant negative first impression of anyone who's got a damaged or missing front tooth Prize fighters and hockey players being notable exceptions All right, speaking of gringo expat bars going native and quarts of rat-got beer Sometimes, you know, you have to wonder how many tens of thousands of social security and disability checks have gone for booze

[09:25] Bar snacks and tacos here in the third world Because you know if you're down here, especially on the tourist trail You'll see a lot of older gringos have gone to seed which begs the question Why are there so many homeless people or people who've hit the skids in places like? Chicago, detroit and new york when they're just a greyhound bus ride away from houston or my jammy Hey, if I was homeless, I definitely want to be in a place that was warm all year round. Wouldn't you? Anyway, when you're down here in latin, america Especially off the gringo tourist trail where there aren't many gringos or expats at all when you do run into one Suddenly it's old home week Even if you live seven states away from each other then comes question number two What brings you down here? And by the way rarely will someone be totally honest with you at that point

[10:13] However, I am because I like to see the reaction I get i'll say i'm here because the us is just really Up beyond the point of no return and generally if you're talking to a long-term expat There'll be a little pause. He'll nod his head and say something like it's sad But you know, you're absolutely right Of course, if you say that to a tourist who's just down for a week of sun and fun You're probably going to get a different kind of look They're going back. That's their life and they'd rather not think about it All right So you're in latin america off the tourist trail you meet a gringo The first question is where you're from. The second is what you're doing down here Question number three. How long have you been down here? That's when people's eyes light up. They really can't believe it

[11:00] 27 years here in latin america, man. I always win the longevity pissing contest by the way ladies with most guys Everything is a pissing contest. You can blame it on testosterone So anyway, once you get talking to a gringo You just met a lot of the time you start discussing news items and the problems up in the states And you know There was a time 20 or 30 years ago when I first took off myself when the top problems The u.s. Head could actually have been fixed funny enough You could say I even tried to do my part to improve the system Hell I even share with my brother and another engineer 13 us patents. Hey, I wasn't the inventor I was just the facilitator got lucky, you know Anyway inventions like that are supposed to help the common good, right? And you know You really get a high off the fact you've done something that no one else has done before

[11:48] But that patent business turned out to be one of the seeds of my undoing Or I should say my awakening because and get this i'm talking about 30 years or so ago I found out I just couldn't send to the us patent office get the paperwork fill it out Send it back to them with a model to prove that it worked and that it was a brand new idea Oh, I tried that all right, but the us patent office would have none of it They said i'd have to hire a patent attorney So at the time we were looking at 10 grand for the patent attorney plus Around five thousand dollars for each of 13 patents a total of about 75 grand Plus about a hundred hours of paperwork in correspondence with the patent office Not to mention we did our homework and found that only about one in 20 patents actually gets produced

[12:36] And only about one in 50 makes the originator any real dough so figure it out 49 out of 50 patents are just an exercise in spending in dough and burnishing up your self-esteem Turns out everyone who invents something and goes for a patent thinks it's gonna catch on like wildfire The odds are greatly against you believe me then there are some really stupid patented ideas that make tons of money Because the marketing is excellent. Take the clapper the chia pet ginsu knives the kitchen magician and the ever so popular in the yiddish community pocket circumciser Just kidding, but who knows it could be big or for that matter small So when it comes to non-technical patents, anyway marketing is everything I mean look somewhere in millions of garages and attics everywhere even here in latin america is a dusty rusted ab cruncher

[13:24] That made someone I think it was ron po peel Millions of bucks meanwhile right now as we speak there are lots of lonely little dedicated guys in their garages and basements Cutting and sawing and drilling making a prototype of something they invented so pumped up with adrenaline so gung-ho until They apply for that patent find out it's going to cost 20 grand and a hundred hours in paperwork I wonder how many say effort throw it in the towel and give up So in my case or I should say our case the three of us threw in the dough And one guy who was a math and engineering professor on the side He was the guy on our team with a double doctorate he was the real brains behind the operation by the way and volunteered to do the hundred hours of paperwork And a bit later by the way went to work at a top level position at the canadian space agency

[14:15] But you didn't even know they had one Well, they're really good at one thing they make robotic arms In fact, they made the big arm you sometimes see in videos when they show the international space station You know the arm that launches and retrieves satellites and scoops up space junk and other debris Well, he went on to be one of the guys in charge of that project now during the patent process We all got terribly frustrated all because of the stifling u.s patent office bureaucracy Now some of you listeners might know people who have patents or have applied for them and most likely you've never heard stories like this That's because about 99 out of a hundred patents. That's 99 percent of them are inventions Systems devices or biological processes, whatever that were developed by people working in a corporation

[15:02] Although you may be the inventor or developer with your name on the patent When you work for any company as an engineer or technical person you sign away your rights to patents when you get hired So if you develop or invent something they paid the patent attorneys, they do the searches the paperwork, etc Then shortly after that the chinese steal it Hmm you think i'm kidding, right? So anyway after that patent business was over just as things were going along quite nicely Suddenly, we got a series of irs audits Turns out they flag people over and over again who go to a lot of work related and educational conferences In other words, they don't like people who travel a lot and write it off no matter how legitimate it is So you invent something new something that'll improve the modern world and you're stuck in an expensive uphill

[15:51] bureaucratic battle And if that's not enough often your own government will punish you for it So if you've got a really good idea and you try to develop it on your own in your garage attic or basement Whatever in many cases and i've heard a hundred stories to that effect It's either death by a thousand cuts administered by bureaucrats Or you throw in the towel and you get a job working for the man But I digress as usual anyway When having discussions with long-term expats here in latin america You'll almost always hear them say their move from the usa was the best thing they ever did And often latinos especially who can't believe gringos would actually want to move to latin america Since the latino tsunamis in the opposite direction. Well, they ask long-term gringos and expats this question all the time

[16:38] Will you ever go back and most gringos and expats will say yeah, i've got friends and relatives up there Sure, but only for a short visit. I'm not gonna live there. I live here in latin america now Oh and lately you'll hear many expats say once they've come back from a visit from the states They feel genuinely sorry for those fake book addicted iphone jockey millennials who never known what personal freedom is like or what it's all about Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, gringos who've gone native There's no denying if you're down here long enough You're gonna run into a certain number of washed out scruffy gringo alkies who've gone native But you'll find most long-term gringos and expats are creative intelligent and of course adventurous They wouldn't be down here if they weren't when you leave the us

[17:25] It's a big change and most people don't like change. That's why it's imperative You get as much boots on the ground time as you can the more boots on the ground The more contacts you make the more confidence you have and the easier the transition now as for me I never was one of those lemmings who couldn't make a move without the nanny states Okay, you know when I left there was no such thing as a nanny state At least no one had coined that phrase yet. Guess we can thank that malignant pusbag hillary for that, huh? Now I don't know about you, but I don't want to be owned or controlled by my own big brother country of birth I want to own my own life. Don't you make my own decisions good or bad though many dependent people will say They need the government. What would we do without those safety nets? You know what safety nets are for bad performers

[18:13] Tell me when you go to a circus and you pay your dough How exciting is it to watch the high wire act when they've got a net under them? Hey, i'm not saying you should drive without a seat belt here But that is why pharmaceutical companies have developed drugs like valium prozac xanax and a hundred others the object being to level Everybody's mood anything to temper life's highs and lows. We can't have that now, can we and to me that's not living How about you now leave it to expat eddie to test the limits once in a while. He likes to go out on a deserted road I've been with him. He'll take off his seat belt go about 50 miles an hour over the limit It's good every once in a while to disable things and get some adrenaline going as far as i'm concerned No, government's got the right to tell you you can't smoke a coheba or a joint on your own porch in your underwear

[19:01] If you want to which begs the question Is it you or your government that controls your life? Are you gonna get that plan be going are you just a tire kicker? Hey, everyone said I was crazy when I told him I was moving down for good now That was before cell phones and the internet and don't think in the early days I didn't look outside my hotel window once in a while and say hey Was this the right thing to do by the way? Not only were there no cell phones or internet back then to get a landline phone call to the u.s Sometimes took three or four times at a buck to three bucks a minute And during those calls i'd always get cut off so i'd have to call back again So naturally as I got more acclimated to living in latin america those phone calls back to the states became less and less frequent

[19:47] But I left and I made the move without my parents or my families. Okay They laughed and my mom cried and said you'll be back with your tail between your legs That is if I wasn't kidnapped or held for ransom or airlifted on a flight to life with some incurable tropical disease So when you do come down here permanently or otherwise be prepared for 50 questions Why are you leaving? What are you running from? By the way, I used to say i'm running from people like you But you know these days less and less people are saying why are you leaving? Because they know how bad it is up there and strangely enough and I thought this would never happen lately at My expat insider seminars i've been having more and more people that is attendees who work government jobs

[20:34] Sure enough. There's a lot of smart people working for government They know what's up and want to get the hell out too and most of them tell me it's a tough thing You know spending years and years at a job where they have to keep their mouths shut and check their brains at the door But you know, everyone's got to make a living and as the years go by and you get closer and closer to that pension You don't want to rock the boat and put it in jeopardy But back to the point so when i'm traveling and I hit a fresh new latin american city or town I've never been in before like I said It's been my practice to stop in the local gringo or expat bar And if it's before known you can bet there are some gringo luscious in there Spending their social security and disability checks on booze and bar snacks and they'll see me a new gringo And one of them will pop that where you're from a question

[21:21] Then comes the what brought you down to this part of the world question now Sometimes, you know, these guys who've gone native might look like they've hit the skids But don't let that fool you some of them still have quite a lot going on upstairs Hey, you know a lot of great artists philosophers and writers were stand-up drunks Look at hemmingway berrymore bing Crosby too In fact nearly all the most famous writers and poets out of ireland were hopeless drunks So you can't really write all these guys off who've gone native They've all got things to say and great stories too All of them are refugees of sort. So am I but what kind of refugee? political social romantic eclectic artistic refugees Are they economic refugees more and more that's certainly true

[22:07] Could be all or none of the above too Now, you know refugees leave a place because of some kind of oppression They've been pushed too far and reached a limit in some endeavor But most don't leave a bad situation until it's almost Intolerably bad and then they have to leave and don't have a good plan. It's not good to make big decisions under Uncertainty stress or a lot of pressure now in my case. I planned my move for at least three years I wanted to start fresh have a tiny footprint and be as Anonymous as possible when I left so about a year before I made the move I went to a nearby county Not one I was living in and I rented one of those used storage units and back then, you know You didn't have to give any idea at all. You just paid the deposit and filled out a form then little by little

[22:53] I started selling off all the excess junk and baggage I had in my house and the stuff I wanted to keep and I knew I wouldn't be able to buy wherever I was in latin america I packed inside the storage unit because remember back then there was no amazon either no internet which begs the question How did I know what I could and could not buy in latin america if there was no way to search it on the internet? Well, I made a few boots on the ground trips before I came down permanently my first stop of course, costa rica I mean, hey What else would a person do way back when almost 30 years ago? If he wanted to live in latin america and didn't speak a lick of spanish Your choices were either costa rica or bellis. Oh, I checked out bellisa All right Couldn't do that not when at least three times a week the power would be out for eight hours or more at a crack

[23:39] So I had that you storage unit for about a year. I loaded it up with machinery tools stuff I knew I couldn't get easily in costa rica and I had my lawyer in costa rica ship it down Yep, I used one of those boots on the ground trips to find myself a good lawyer I actually had two lawyers in costa rica a straight lawyer and a crooked lawyer You longtime listeners heard me tell that story already back then that was the way to go Which just reinforces the fact that you have to plan you have to get some boots on the ground You don't want to be in a bad spot like the day after a hurricane and there's no power and there's a riot at walmart speaking of walmart When you're deciding on your plan b and you finally come down for a boots on the ground trip Do by all means visit the local supermarket chains and not the walmarts

[24:28] Then again, you just might want to go to walmart to see if they've got everything your walmart has and believe me Anyway, do visit the local supermarket chains There will be many of them and if you find most of the goods are imported You know that country is totally dependent on other countries and importation So read the labels see where the stuff's coming from Even if your spanish really sucks the country of origin you'll recognize In other words, you'll really want to move to a place where the local supermarkets are stocking mostly local items Otherwise you'll be in the same fix When the reset button gets pushed up in the states if a store stocks mostly imported items or in the case of the states items from Seven states away after a crisis within two or three days the shelves will be bare But you knew that already, right?

[25:15] Oh and another thing on your boots on the ground fact-finding excursion You'll want to check out some of the local hardware stores too to find out the level of the products available And of course check out the cost of that stuff too as compared to what you pay for it up in the states And also it's very important when you have boots on the ground to visit a private hospital Check out a few doctors look for some health food stores Not a gnc. They're all over the place down here But what a rip-off, huh and check out those big produce markets and go to local restaurants Not mcdonald's or taco bell to see what fresh local foods are available So in the end don't worry if other people think it's a crazy decision you've made for me It was the best thing i've ever done. But what about you? What's your reason for wanting a plan b you want adventure you want to invest in a part of the world?

[26:02] That's actually in a growth phase Do you want to be buffered against the reset? That's surely going to happen up in the first world and soon Are you thinking about coming down because you know in the future you won't be able to afford first world living? Or are you going ahead with your plan b because you've got a long list of reasons you want to leave Is it maybe that you're becoming more and more depressed with the way things are turning out up there? And you just have to leave for reasons of sanity and health Well, you can always follow the herd and suck it up and stay where you are If you do, I hope you're an optimist not many left, you know Or keep pushing ahead with that plan b first step get some high quality boots on the ground We're not talking about an all-inclusive trip to cancun or costa rica either best way to do that Of course is to get the fire hose treatment at my july 2018 expat insider seminar once again in and around guatemala central

[26:55] america 5000 feet above sea level right in the middle of the alti plano So to get all the info and the seminar sign up details Just go to www.thenewexpat.com and click on johnny's seminar link I've got the early bird discount specials going so do take advantage of those deals And remember if you sign up for the seminar you and I will be doing a one-on-one phone consultation call That way you can get in all the questions you might have about the seminar and anything else you want to talk about your plan b doctors lawyers hospitals insurance banking shipping your pets down housing rentals land utilities internet anything You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b, you can schedule a one-on-one phone call with me But first download my free plan b questionnaire at

[27:43] www.thenewexpat.com Better yet if you want to get your plan b going from right up there in the states Just sign up for my nine hour expat essentials course Get the perfect plan b blueprint by going to the expat files.com slash academy most famous