#754 – The Expat Files: Life, Regrets, and Residency in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Hey, how about this for an email? Dear Johnny a while ago on a show you talked about how people chicken out on their lives goals and dreams and desires Often they just shrug and give up most of us have grand plans when we're young But we end up thrown in the towel because we have to get real and live our lives

[00:49] I remember in that show you talked about people's biggest regrets I'll tell you mine. Number one not learning to play a musical instrument I mean not just taking it as a credit in school taking it seriously Oh, I played in junior high school band and such but clarinet not so glamorous It's okay for Woody Allen types, but let's face it. It's no chick magnet My second biggest regret not learning another language though. I did take that obligatory one semester Mine was Spanish that you needed to get into University I don't think they've got that requirement anymore But you might remember there was a time when you had to have taken a language to get into college and my third biggest regret Not traveling hardly at all outside the US now I don't think anyone in your audience is old enough to remember this but there used to be a TV commercial very popular to

[01:38] See the USA in your Chevrolet. Hey, wait a minute me Johnny here. I think I've got that one. Listen to this see USA in your Chevrolet America's asking you to come Drive your Chevrolet through the USA America's the greatest land of all On a highway or a road along a levee Performance is sweeter. Nothing can beat her life is complete her in the Chevy So make a date to date to see the USA and see it in your Hey, you'll never guess where that came from but did you notice she said America's the greatest land of all. Well, it may have been in the 50s

[02:25] Anyway, our emailer goes on to say I did get to see the USA nothing wrong with that I did get to appreciate nature and got to see bears and otters and eagles up close and personal But really Johnny one of my biggest regrets is that I did not get to travel much at all outside the US and Johnny I know you'd probably say Canada Tijuana and Cancun don't count right? So Johnny what I regret is not Traveling as one should really travel that is getting away from the tourist spots and hanging with the real locals Sure luxury hotels all inclusive resorts and cruises are awful nice But I too am a firm believer that things are going down the toilet and those kind of options Just will not be available to too many at all in the future That's why one of my biggest regrets is not going outside the country and hanging with the real people

[03:13] So just recently I took some baby steps and went to Mexico No, not Tijuana, but to visit one of my friends who's got a condo in the Baja So I didn't found out he was in a pretty much all gringo eyes community with most of them the over 65 crowd which gets old pretty fast even though I'm kind of up there, too But I like to think of myself as a 60 is the new 40 kind of guy So I did venture out for three or four days at a time on my own trying to meet up with the locals Like you said Johnny in Mexico It's kind of hard to find places where you don't run into gringos practically all the time Except when you get to those tiny towns way out in the boonies and for me a dyed-n-wool city boy from New Jersey I have to admit unfortunately life out in the boonies is a little bit too slow and laid-back for me

[04:03] I'm the kind of guy Johnny, and I think you are too that gets nervous Just sitting around doing nothing seems like my mind's always running faster than my mouth, so I have to be doing something yes I like looking at mountain sunsets and beaches as much as the next guy But after a half an hour or so that I get kind of fidgety It's that first world programming kicking in I guess so alas. I did have good intentions I came down to meet the locals and what I found out about myself is Johnny No one can stand too much reality for too long or at least I can't so I found out after a couple of days Strictly with the locals I found I was craving gringo companionship again So I believe your advice is a hundred percent right on when you say if you're first moving down to Latin America Especially if your Spanish is rather poor

[04:50] It's best to be somewhat near to a place where there are some gringos to mix with and hang That purely off the gringo tourist trail stuff you talk about is probably just fine for people who can speak Spanish Or have had enough of hanging around with gringos and are sick of them I'm sure that can happen, but living completely with the native population. I don't know Even in those nice beautiful first world like areas to be honest That's not for me though. I have to admit I don't want to live in a gringo wise tourist area either. I don't want to buy something and be stuck there That's exactly the case of my friend who I was visiting living with a bunch of retired gringos No, thanks that to me is artificial and it gets pretty old fast, too So I think you pegged it just right Johnny by saying you live outside the tourist area

[05:37] But close enough you can pop in once in a while to get your gringo fix Plus I found out as soon as you get to areas where you don't hear English anymore the prices drop like a rock So Johnny I am getting boots on the ground even if it's in a country You don't much like and since I've never been south of Mexico as you call it south of south of the border I am coming down to your next expat seminar though as far as the folks back home I'm keeping it to myself. They got worried enough when I told him I was visiting Mexico I can just imagine the riot act. They'll give me if I told him I'm going to Guatemala It's so true Johnny Americans don't want to face reality They prefer to bond with their devices instead of people and amuse themselves to death that I think is ultimately What's in store for everyone who tries to stick it out up in the first world?

[06:25] That's about all I have to say Johnny. Hope to see you at the seminar should be signing up for it soon meanwhile I'll keep on keeping on signed Lester from Joy Z well. Thanks for that Lester Looking forward to seeing you there just one comment Lester I can't emphasize just how different things are south of south of the border once you cross that border and you're in Guatemala Belize Honduras Nicaragua and any of the countries south of Mexico. There's a whole different feeling different atmosphere Different kind of lighter vibe much more laid-back Almost all the cops are actually friendly and nice the locals are absolutely less jaded Except of course in places like Costa Rica where the gringos have flooded in and pretty much morphed the place into something that's twisted and kind

[07:10] Of perverse in a way, you know saying that a place like Costa Rica is typical Latin countries Like saying Las Vegas is a typical US city I mean really how many neighbors and friends do you have who say yeah, I know Mexico. I've been to Cancun It's like a visitor from Europe, Canada, Japan, whatever saying yeah, I know the US I've been to Disneyland and Vegas, you know what I mean now since Lester brought up my July expat insider seminar I know everyone wants to get in on those early bird discounts That means you get $500 off the regular price if you're coming down to the seminar as a single and if you're coming down as a Couple or two people sharing double occupancy you get a thousand dollars off the regular price or 500 each By the way, if you sign up as a couple or two people sharing double occupancy

[07:57] I passed the entire hotel savings on to you It's a thousand dollars less expensive than two people coming down as singles confused yet Well, you won't be if you go to www that the new expat calm and click on Johnny's seminar link there You'll get all the info and the sign-up details and you'll see the early bird discounts explain, too And when you're there, you'll also find information on those famous John Galt pre and post seminar trips And how to kill two birds with one stone that is apply for Guatemalan permanent or temporary residency at the same time While you're at the seminar a lot of people do that You know because Guatemala's got one of the best deals going on permanent and temporary residency though It won't last as for now Anyway, the paperwork and the hoops you have to jump through a lot easier than most Latin countries and it's one of the least

[08:46] Expensive options to for example It's around 1,500 bucks for a local lawyer to get you set up with permanent or temporary residency Of course, you know If you're fluent in Spanish and live here in Latin America and whatever country you can slog your way through the residency process yourself And it'll cost you about half as much or less than using an immigration lawyer and I'm talking about any Latin country now However, it'll take twice as long guaranteed and you'll spend 20 or 30 hours on average Standing with your finger up your butt in various government lines So do bring a couple of books and one of those booster batteries for your smartphone That's a fact and there's hundreds of gringos and expats that'll testify to that Of course, even if you hire a Latin lawyer to take you through the residency process again in whatever Latin country

[09:31] You'll have to stand in some lines and visit some government buildings and I'd say your maximum combined time Standing in government lines two to four hours still no picnic But that's as opposed to 20 or 30 hours if you're doing it all by yourself By the way, you'll never be able to do it by yourself. If you don't have fluent Spanish, just a little heads up there Oh, I just checked another Latin residency program. That's quite easy and fast to accomplish the Dominican Republic You may have heard it's an easy go. Of course, they change things all the time But right now it's an easy go then of course you have to hire a Dominican attorney and that'll cost you on average 3,500 bucks more than twice as much as going through Guatemala residency Plus since Guatemala City is the largest city in Central America

[10:20] The airlines are connected through all the big airports up in the states Whereas if you're going for residency again in the Dominican Republic, you have to fly into Santo Domingo So you almost always have to make a change in my jammy and since there aren't that many flights from the u.s To Santo Domingo, you'll always pay a couple hundred dollars more Then you'd pay for a round-trip flight from a big US airport to Guatemala City Now, you know, some people come down to the seminar just to take advantage of the residency option Then again about half the people coming down just want to go to the seminar And their goal of course is to get some high quality boots on the ground See what the LT Plano is all about Make some new like-minded friends and some excellent personal and professional contacts Oh, and remember previous seminar attendees coming back again as repeat offenders

[11:05] Get a thousand dollars off We always have repeat offenders, you know Now that speaks volumes, doesn't it? And don't forget everyone who signs up gets a free one hour one-on-one phone or Skype consult with me before the seminar All right, here's a news flash You know, there's all that talk about gun violence up in the states I mean, you've got round-the-clock news blips about guns, gun owners, gun legislation, the NRA And of course so-called assault weapons Speaking of assaults There's a news flash out of London this week It says A surge of stabbings in London was blamed Monday for the city overtaking New York's monthly murder telly for the first time in modern history Then it says 15 people were murdered in London during February compared to 14 people murdered in New York in February

[11:51] Hmm, that doesn't seem like a lot of hell In Chicago, there's that many murders every time there's a commercial during the Oprah show But I digress, but not much You see, what people are completely missing in all this gun hoopla is that England's got some of the toughest gun laws in the world You just can't have one Unless, of course, you're a member of a prestigious old man's hunting club, you know In fact, most cops can't carry one So then what a deranged Londoners do? They stab people In fact, there's so many stabbings going down in England that get this In 2015, British politicians passed a two-strike law You've heard of the three-strike law in the states, right? Well, England's got a two-strike law That's an automatic jail sentence for people caught carrying a knife during the commission of a crime

[12:40] Hmm, might that include butter knives or Swiss army knives or those little plastic knives they give you at McDonald's and Taco Bell? Hey, I'm not kidding England has a two-strike law for possession of a knife Well, as ex-pat Eddie always says, where there's a will, there's a weapon Hmm, much I'd have thought of that On a lighter note, you'll find when you move or visit down here in Latin America They don't have daylight savings time Why? Because there's no daylight to save Since most Latin countries, except for the southern parts of Argentina and Chile Are in very temperate, even tropical zones Very much closer to the equator than you are in the states You'll find all year round the sun generally rises and sets Within the same approximate hour Or thereabouts

[13:25] For example, if you happen to be located in Managua, Nicaragua Sunrise around 6 a.m. sunset Around 6 p.m. And that's the way it is pretty much through all of Latin America And that, believe me, does screw up gringos and expats who are used to daylight savings time Especially if you're making calls or doing business with people up in the states Now, about that strange coincidence where the sunrise is at 6 a.m. and sets at about 6 p.m. I'm from Chicago and remember when I was in grade school During the dead of winter, sometimes the sun would set at 4.30 in the afternoon And even by 3.30 it was getting quite dark And in late June, the sun would set around 8.30 at night Definitely excellent for unsupervised neighborhood sandlot baseball games Of course, if we did that today, children's services would call the cops on our parents

[14:15] But I digress, though not much Just remember you'll get none of that variation here in Latin America So you better plan your road trips wisely Because remember, if at all possible you do not want to drive at night No, not because you're gonna get stopped, held up for ransom, or kidnapped It's all about nighttime road hazards and visibility Because generally, the roads, especially out in the boonies, are badly lit They've got some man-sized potholes out there And gigantic unmarked tumelos You know, speed bumps that'll tear out your oil pan Oh, and you can forget about guardrails, safety warnings, barricades, and such If there's any kind of road work going on And there's always work going on Not that you won't find warnings or guardrails It's just that there's no consistency, especially out in the boonies

[15:01] But back to this sunrise-sunset thing Now, let's first-world people are conditioned to setting our alarms I mean, that's first-world life, right? Most of us live in 15-minute segments And doctors, of course, in 2-minute segments And you know what baffles me? People wearing watches Why? Since every electronic device we have has a clock in it From your refrigerator to your coffee maker to your hair dryer So what are watches for? Ego? Show? Fashion accessory? Yeah, more than likely Now, as far as getting up in the morning I always had kind of my own built-in alarm clock I'm sure some of you listeners do, too Now, I'm here to tell you If you live out in the boonies or even slightly out in the boonies Or, for that matter, have a decent-sized garden Anywhere you live here in Latin America You just might have what I have

[15:47] A daily ornithological wake-up call A fine, feathered windowpecker, too I've got it figured out Early in the morning, they see their own reflection in the window Right around sunrise And they try to communicate with their own reflection by pecking away at it And that's my 6 o'clock wake-up call every single morning However, some bird species aren't always on the money And they have their migration patterns, too So, as it turns out, at least in the house I'm in and the coffee fields I've got three different bird species rotating through every year Each of them waking me up at a slightly different time in the morning For example, right now I have this one bird in his mate, gray with a pure yellow stripe down his head Like a mohawk, tapping on the window at precisely around 6 in the morning For about 4 months a year Then, when they migrate off wherever they go

[16:34] A pair of almost fluorescent orange birds take their place And, man, are they striking Speaking of striking, they strike the window around 6 30 For the next 3 or 4 months By the way, a season here in Latin America is called a temporada in Spanish Temporada And sometimes they'll use the word estacion, like station So anyway, I've got these fluorescent orange birds tapping away at 6 30 A couple of months of the year And when they're gone, another pair of birds settle in Kind of a soft yellow and blue color And they do the 6 30 in the morning window tamping rounds, too And if that's not annoying enough, those guys like the window so much They come back 2 or 3 more times a day and start pecking away Of course, they all leave a telltale mound of doo-doo on the window perch

[17:22] Yet another reason I'm glad I have a maintenance guy slash gardener So just a heads up there if you live out in the boonies, have a big garden Or you're close to a wooded area or stand of trees Speaking of peckers, the ornithological kind, that is Got some big trees out here and some very big woodpeckers Thank God they're not into pecking on windows But man, they can kick out the jams and decibels when they're going at a tree Sometimes when they're close, sounding like a small caliber machine gun, really By the way, we call them woodpeckers But latinos call them carpenteros Carpentero, spelled like carpenter Hey, makes sense, right? Wood, tree trunk, carpenter, carpentero By the way, I know a few other gringos and gringas Living out in the boonies and it's pretty much the same thing

[18:08] They've got their own birds pecking at the windows at 6 or 6 30 in the morning And I don't mean like an Alfred Hitchcock movie I mean, just one or two birds pecking away And you know, when I tell people about that, sounds kind of cool Connecting with nature like that, right? I know you're thinking, why can't that happen in Cleveland? Well, you know, it's amusing for a while But sometimes you really want to sleep in And those birds just won't let you Not exactly trouble in paradise, but annoying for sure Be careful what you wish for and all that But sadly, the more windows you have The more likely it is at certain times of the day For birds to be deceived and sucked in Not by their own reflection, but by the reflection of the sky Which is why you'll find almost everyone who's got substantial windows Has substantial bird casualties

[18:54] Even I have a bird casualty once or twice a month myself Oh, and you'll know when it happens That sound, that certain thump At my place in the coffee fields I'd say about half the birds die and half recover A lot depends on how fast I get to the scene of where they're passed out That's why when I hear that thump, I don't dilly-dally If it's still breathing, I'll pick it up Wrap it up in an old shirt or sweater so it stays warm And more often than not, when I come back to look at it in a half hour or so, it's gone Now you might ask, why do I bother to pick it up at all? Well, if I don't, one of the dogs will find it And parade it around like a trophy hanging from his mouth And you know, that's not quite conducive to the chances of that bird's survival What I mean is, I'm not the only one who knows the sound of the thump When that bird hits a window

[19:39] The dogs know that thump too So it's always a kind of a race to see who gets it first Me and the dogs Because you know, if I get there first, they got a 50% chance of survival And if the dogs get there first, there's a 100% chance they won't So do remember, especially if you're gonna live out in the boonies The more large windows you have, the more bird casualties too I know, it's a sad thing Especially when it's a real, colorful, tropical species That's just bit the dust Which begs the question, why should that be? Why is it we're much more sad and it's such a shame When a tropical bird smacks a window and bites the dust As compared to a muddy, gray little finch Which brings to mind that old saying Beauty's not everything, but it does open doors Not windows

[20:25] Or something like that Alright, switching gears here How about a little irony? How about a lot of irony? You know, one of the biggest bits of mainstream news right now What's on all the channels is that caravan of illegal immigrants Heading for the US They say there's around 1200 of them Well, how's this for irony? According to The Daily Wire When the caravan crossed the Mexican Guatemala border With mostly Hondurans in the group The group's leaders praised Mexican officials for stepping aside And allowing them all to enter And they all celebrated that as their first little victory With hundreds of little posts on Facebook Funny, they're down and out in destitute But they all got Facebook, huh? But here's what they didn't tell you The Mexican foreign ministry said the caravan Made up mostly of people from Honduras, Salvador and Guatemala

[21:13] Turns out later on Once they were deeper into the country Mexican officials did check paperwork And found 400 of them Did not have passports or papers in order And were subsequently deported back to their countries of origin With the Mexican foreign ministry saying That is our strict legal framework You cannot enter our country without the proper paperwork Say what? Insert belly laugh here Isn't it funny? Mexico does not want illegal immigrants in their country So if you get caught without the right paperwork You get deported According to strict Mexican immigration policy They don't want poor uneducated people with no skills Emigrating into their country And utilizing Mexico's resources But they'll gladly look the other way And permit millions of their own

[21:59] Uneducated, unskilled countrymen To exit their country and slip into the US illegally So why is that? Well, it's about the money Isn't it always? I've heard high-level Mexican officials Say that off the record at parties and such They say Mexicans up in the States Are sending back billions in remisses And those remisses have become a fundamental part Of the Mexican economy In fact, newspapers in Mexico have published data Saying that one-third of the Mexican economy Is directly or indirectly related to remisses Coming from the States One-third oil, natural gas, and other legitimate enterprises And one-third directly resulting from the narco trade Speaking of oil, gas, and narcos Listen to excerpts from this article It starts out The first call I got was in February 2015

[22:45] From someone claiming to belong to the Michoacán family drug cartel They said they knew who I was Said Alberto Arenbando Who got a call at work Turns out Roberto is an oil pump technician At the National Oil Refinery In the central Mexican city of Salamanca They wanted information, he said, about my job About the pumps About the oil Then he said Over the next few years He was hounded, kidnapped, pistol-whipped, and stabbed So severely that surgeons had to remove his gallbladder So he continued to give the cartels details On which fuels were going to be pumped And through which pipelines It goes on to say, since the U.S., Mexico's biggest drug customer Is now legalizing marijuana, etc. Mexico's drug cartels have splintered

[23:33] And are eager for new sources of revenue And why not? Cartels have found the oil smuggling and stealing business Much more profitable than drug trafficking Because there's a lot less risk And no international police interference Or international law-breaking As one involved, Narco said, Look, we don't have to risk crossing the border And paying off people We're hauling gas and oil, legal products everyone uses We're not hauling drugs Well, how about this? It says, a May 2017 study commissioned by the Mexican National Energy Regulation Department Found out that thieves in Mexico had tapped those pipelines Roughly every 0.86 miles That's 1.4 kilometers Meaning every single mile along Mexican's Pemex company, 14,000 kilometer pipeline

[24:20] Has been illegally tapped into That's around 13,000 individual illegal taps According to that study, it says Mexican refineries have accumulated annual operating losses of $5 billion a year The crude oil and natural gas themselves bring Mexico a lot of profit Meanwhile, the refineries are operating at a loss Then it says, police routinely find mutilated corpses of refinery workers That are suspected fuel thieves or involved in gang rivalries Mexican officials decline to mention the extent to the problem In fact, it says one of Mexico's famous legendary singers, Jose Alfredo Jimenez Wrote a famously sad song about the Mexican oil business Because one of his own brothers died under mysterious circumstances

[25:09] Working for the state refinery Then the article talks about how the Narcos bribe refinery workers Turns out they earn around 100 bucks a week as laborers But for 200 extra dollars a week, you can work a clandestine job as a lookout or informant It says one of the most common ways to steal oil is to become a fuel tapper At night, you go to an isolated area where the pipeline runs Dig a trench, put in a hose, bury a long section of it Perhaps 3 kilometers to a nearby ranch Tap the main pipe on the underside of it Where it touches the ground and can't be seen When you're done, rebury the equipment and re-smooth the terrain It says some of the tappers are so good at their work One particular area that was tapped almost every night ran for 4 years undetected

[25:56] Then the article says there are lots of independence too In other words, you can steal oil, get your own small gang And sell it, but you'll have to make a deal with one of the big narco gangs Like the Zetas In other words, you have to get permission and you'll pay them a bounty for protection For example, 3 pesos for every stolen liter of fuel That would mean the independence pay around 50 cents a gallon to the Zetas By the way, regarding narco is especially the big players You know, these guys are extremely macho Many of them like to emulate the bad guys in John Wayne movies Now some of these guys, when they get enough money and power They want to become legends They know they might die at any time There's always rivalries So they'll hire famous Mexican Ranchero bands You know, the guys with cowboy hats and accordions

[26:43] The out of tune brass section and the drunk tuba players Anyway, they're known for hiring these guys to actually write songs about them To manufacture a kind of mythology So that when they croak They'll play the song or songs at their funeral And the pueblo they come from Will keep the memory alive every time there's a dance party or wedding No wonder these guys have the biggest, most chromed out And foolish looking cars and pickups That's why in Mexico There's a huge market for Tahoes, Suburbans and Hummers Even though they don't make them anymore Oh, and in the end, the article says Pemex technicians and pipeline workers are showing up dead all the time So what can we gather from all this? The big question is Do you still have Mexico in your sights for that plan B?

[27:28] Hey, one and a half million gringos can't be wrong, huh? You've been listening to the Expat Files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B You can schedule a one-on-one phone call with me But first, download my free plan B questionnaire at www.thenewexpat.com Better yet, if you want to get your plan B going from right up there in the states Just sign up for my 9-hour Expat Essentials course Get the perfect plan B blueprint by going to the expatfiles.com slash academy Los famos!