#764 – The Expat Files: Volcanoes, Golf Courses, and Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play And now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great And it's all right here so let's get started All right, according to recent emails I've been getting people are kind of worried about me They think I'm either dead or scorched or buried under lava or ashes Well, I assure you the reports of my demise have been slightly exaggerated You know, you've heard me talk about volcanoes before in Latin America is just filled with them

[00:50] There are hundreds of them and maybe only five or ten active ones What I mean by that is that they're constantly blowing up a little plume Or sometimes shooting a little lava Talking about a little lava and a little plume And of course it always stinks of sulfur So for example if you're standing at the base of one of these things You sometimes feel a little heat and you see some smoke But you never get sprayed with any ash or lava or anything But you see at the very peak there's something going on And at night sometimes it's glowing charcoal red Those are the characteristics of your long-term smoldering active volcano Believe me some of them are smoldering low-key for years Decades even centuries And people get so used to the predictability of that

[01:36] Especially since some of them are that way for generations People really forget at their own risk too That they're really sleeping monsters And it's well known that people have short memories I mean look at how people rebuild in the same places right after a flood So after a volcano has been smoldering low-key After dozens of years or even centuries Little towns and villages will grow up around them I mean look at Pompeii right? There's one called Adenal for example in Costa Rica That is a real tourist spot There are little hotels and bungalows and hot springs all around it Tourists come from all around to spend the night there They even got some nice hotels right up the side of the mountain And what's cool about is you see about every 5 or 6 hours The ground shakes a little bit you know

[02:23] There are predictable localized earthquakes I've been there But you see all that development's very risky You could lose it all in a flash Because active volcanoes are sleeping giants And sometimes they blow in a big way So that's why I recommend to gringos, expats, and tourists Go ahead, visit them Do a climb up to the top People love that stuff There's always tours and guides and well organized excursions I've done a few of them Hey it's human nature We love thrills Skydiving, hand gliding, extreme sports, roller coasters And we all know once in a while people die while doing those things But that doesn't stop most people because they know There's a very slim chance you'll actually get hurt or die I mean look at the airlines right? And the funny thing is over the years I've heard many geologists and volcanologists

[03:12] I think that's the word Talk about how a volcano that's steadily smoldering year after year Well that's a good thing And a pretty safe bet that it's never going to blow big time Because it's releasing the pressure little by little I'm sure you've heard that theory before And so there's a slim chance there'll be a massive blow off Kind of like slowly twisting the cap off of a soda or beer bottle To keep the bubbles at bay Well you know in the last couple years a lot of holes have been punched in that theory And by the way the land around active volcanoes is very cheap sometimes free Which is why you'll always see little manicured plots of farmland And little shacks all over the place And these are the people that will suffer when the big blow comes And eventually they do

[03:57] Like for example the case last Sunday in Guatemala Where Volcan de Fuego blew big time What do you think Volcan de Fuego means? It means the volcano of fire because it's an active one And it's always always smoldering By the way it usually has a big blow off about every 12 to 20 years And everyone who lives around there knows that Yet every time there's a blow off and some people die After a year or two the people start moving back The shacks start popping up again Those plots of land get developed For beans, papayas, avocados, whatever Because you know volcanic soil is some of the richest in the world Ask Mrs. Olsen, you know the lady from the Folgers commercial? There I go showing my age again

[04:44] So again anyone who lives within around 10 miles of an active volcano is really rolling the dice In fact some very wealthy Latin idiots built a fantastic PGA golf course right next to that volcano In fact you may have heard me say before it's the only golf course in the world Or I should say it was the only golf course in the world Where you could tee off I think it was on the 17th hole Right towards the side of that very active volcano Where there is always a little bit of a lava flow Whoa, I mean hell it's a fantastic experience to see that and play that course I've done it But really the guys who planned and built that thing They were first world people all the way It's a PGA course one of the finest in the world Designed and built by first world lughead Americans But now that course is no more

[05:31] And that's a loss of untold millions of dollars And you've got to wonder how could people be that stupid In fact I'd say most of that golf course is within 1 to 2 miles So the base of that volcano Now you've heard me say that I wouldn't recommend anyone live any closer Than 10 miles from an active volcano Oh by the way you should look up that golf course on the internet It's called La Reunion Like Reunion You'll see that thing was rated up till last Sunday One of the top golf courses in the world But one small consolation comes out of the fact that that course is no more Now you see according to one of the past members of that golf course The famous John Galt Who was himself a terrific golfer He actually had a golf scholarship in college So you know he's addicted to the sport

[06:17] He loved that course and said it was the finest one he ever played on But he also told me that since this is Latin America And rich Latins belong to that course And Latins whether they're rich or not Rarely pay their bills on time Yep you've heard me say that before And why I don't advise you being a landlord down here anyway Good old John Galt told me a while back That the course was heavily in the red Because the members were up to almost a half a million dollars behind In their monthly dues And you know what happens when you're behind on your dues If you belong to a course up in the states Well they don't allow you to play on it You can't check into the clubhouse And old John Galt he said That doesn't make one bit of difference to Latins Because they only join the golf course for prestige

[07:05] They never really play on it They just buy the best clubs Best clothes, bags, and balls Put them in their locker and never really get out on the course Because he said it's all about the prestige and the show of belonging Being a member Because it was designed and built as the best course in Latin America All the high rollers bought memberships and condos on the course But you have to pay monthly dues also And since most of them don't golf And in fact most of them never even go out to the course at all There's no pressure on them to pay their dues So on the bright side that absolves those wealthy deadbeats Of getting further behind on their payments Now as far as inactive volcanoes Of which there are hundreds in Latin America Well the word inactive means It's never born in recorded history And recorded history in Latin America goes back

[07:51] 500 years with the Spanish And many thousands of years with Incas, Mayans, and Aztecs So there's really no problem at all Living near the base of an inactive volcano Because well if it hasn't blown off in a couple thousand years You can expect it's not going to do it ever again And not in your lifetime However anything's possible For example you could be living in Idaho And have a huge earthquake Though they've never happened there before But anything's possible Lots of really crazy earth changes lately Wouldn't you agree? So in the end over 60 people died In that recent volcanic blowout in Guatemala And think of the countless hundreds Maybe even thousands of roasted driveway chickens Hey don't send me any hate mail on that one I'm just trying to lighten things up here Anyway let's talk about the people

[08:38] All of them were dirt poor And though that volcano itself is quite close To the colonial city of Antigua Which is a UNESCO World Heritage Site So it's kind of the most touristy area in Guatemala I'd say Though it's nowhere near Costa Rica style tourism It's what you might call eco-tourism You know do-gooders, tree huggers, backpackers, and hikers Yeah right Outdoors people who want to hike those volcanoes And Antigua Guatemalan's known For it's very cheap Spanish schools And Spanish immersion homes and programs So in a way it's a backpacker's paradise And really a great place to hang out and learn your Spanish But it's also only around 10 miles from the volcano that just blew Which I've mentioned before is my personal limit

[09:24] For living near an active volcano So what happened with Antigua? Well it got a nice dusting of ash So it'll be about a week or so to clean that up I know what it's like And even though in my place in the coffee fields I'd say I'm about 25 miles away from that one And I'm about 35 miles away from another active one The fact is there were two times In the past I'd say 7 or 8 years Where the place where I live got a small dusting of ash Only because when the other volcano blew The winds just happened to be high And blowing in my direction So what happens then? Well your maintenance guy or you or your cleaning lady Or all three of you Go for the brooms and dustpans And that big old heavy duty Sears or whatever Wet dry vac Yep, you heard me say in a past show

[10:11] You really do need a heavy duty wet dry vac And I don't mean in case of volcanic ash That might never happen to you It's just that it comes in handy for so many uses Alright so twice it's happened to me And note in those two cases None of the dust got into the house Unless I or the cleaning lady tracked it in ourselves And I'm sure there was some of that But in those two cases I'm talking about a very thin layer of ash Probably only around a 32nd of an inch But like I said it's only happened to me twice In the 27 plus years I've been down here So even if you're within 25, 50, even 100 miles Of an active volcano If it really blows And the wind is coming your way You could get a little dusting And that ash is acidic So it will burn your eyes and your lungs So the question is

[10:56] Is it over? Is Volcan de Fuego done? Spilling its guts? Well who knows But I can tell you this When it calms down completely And everything's back to normal And the ash is all swept away And there's new growth of vegetation The poor people will come right back And build those laminate huts with the dirt floors And once again there will be small time farmers growing stuff Right up the side of the volcano And as mentioned previously Guatemala's busiest somewhat touristy area Antigua is at about the 10 mile limit And you know how many gringos died? And how many gringos got injured? According to the news so far A grand total of zero Though I did see on the Spanish TV news here That there was one gringo Trekking that mountain at the time And they rescued him

[11:42] They showed him on TV Looked like he fell in a vat of mud Meanwhile as usual The do-gooders and international help is coming And for all the pain and the deaths And the injuries and the gnashing of teeth Here's the biggest problem as I see it There's this government agency in Guatemala Called CON-RED And every Latin American country has one too Only with slightly different letters in the acronym And it stands for, loosely translated The National Disaster Response Agency You could say they're just a bad Latin copy Of the US agency FEMA The Federal Emergency Management Agency Which says it all because FEMA sucks Remember Katrina? And like up in the states, down here These are the guys that are supposed to be trained in

[12:27] Emergency medical procedures, etc. And they go in and help out People who have been affected by national disasters Anyway if you're down here in Latin America long enough You'll notice if you're watching the local TV news Or any of the local TV stations at all Wherever you are You'll see the occasional public service announcement Coming from that disaster response agency CON-RED or whatever they're calling it In your Latin country You'll see these fat ass bureaucrats With their orange vests and helmets Talking about the rainy season and the floods And earthquakes and basically It's just a whole group of government employees Sitting on their fat asses in government offices Sitting there surfing the net or on Facebook all day Putting out press releases nobody reads And even appearing on TV once in a while When there's a hurricane or disaster

[13:12] They tell you they're here to help you And give you hour by hour reports On whatever disaster is going down right now But these are guys with soft hands Who never get themselves dirty it seems But you know the sad thing is We've been seeing in the last few days With this volcano blow off and more than 50 people dead Is an exact repeat of what happens every other time A volcano blows off The lower middle class and very poor people Who are living in shacks around that mountain Either die, get injured or displaced And there's no way those government slugs From that so called disaster relief agency Can get to the site for hours and hours And by then all the damage is done And they claim they're on the job 24-7 And have all the equipment to predict that stuff And the people who are around to help

[13:59] And are digging people out are usually The bomberos that would be the local firemen And the citizens living nearby And unfortunately how it turns out Is that at least half the people who die Or get really injured Are the same ones who've been living there a long long time Even generations and they should know better But it always seems to go like this They see suddenly that their volcano Is making a few different moves Something's not right And instead of having a plan They just stand there and watch And say to their neighbors Look the volcano's acting up isn't that amazing Yeah it's amazing and fun to watch Till the lava starts flowing And the ash cloud starts rolling down the mountain Now unfortunately sad stories are coming out right now In fact one I just heard Is there a bunch of kids standing on a bridge About a mile from the base of the volcano

[14:45] Just excited to watch the thing blow And when the pyroclastic cloud rolled in They got fried So what's the government disaster relief organization Doing about cases like that I mean before the fact so these kids know what to do So they have a plan And I just like to line up all those government slugs And give them a bunch of molarion curly slaps Across the kisser I mean come on don't you think job number one For them would be to go to the local schools Maybe every six months or so And give them a little demonstration for ten minutes On what the hell to do And maybe even hand out some cheap masks They can put on because That'll save half the lives right there Or forget the masks Just teach them how to wrap a little towel on their face Make it the first priority So they can breathe While they get the hell out And really job number two for these government fat asses

[15:32] Is to prohibit anyone from living within around five miles from the base Sure that's still pretty close But it gives you a lot of wiggle room When the feces hits the ventilator Now that's not to say you kick out the farmers They can still have their little plots As precarious as they might be But they just can't have their houses And their kids in the red zone But no We're talking about a government agency Where everyone's got poop for brains Which only goes to show that governments all over the world Are corrupt malignant dinosaurs Who just want to get on fake book And collect their paychecks So anyway, contrary to what you might believe Or what you might have heard The rumors of my demise are slightly exaggerated By the way, I stole that line from Mark Twain Anyway, for all you who've been paying attention

[16:20] You know, I'm having my seminar in about a month now It'll be taking place in and around Guatemala City And in that UNESCO World Heritage City Antigua Guatemala Which I just mentioned got a good dusting from the volcano But as usual, since people are used to volcanoes And earthquakes and other natural disasters They know how to do the cleanup in the aftermath So in a week or so Things should be back to normal Only you might see some piles of ash around the side streets Like you do up in the states after a big snow But you know, for people coming to the seminar That'll give them a sight to see Because when we're doing the rounds through Antigua We'll surely take a ride down the big highway That now is blocked by a gigantic slab of lava

[17:05] Now, that's something you don't see every day All right, speaking of my July seminar It's coming up in about exactly a month now Still have a few spaces open So for sign up information and details Just go to www.thenewexpat.com And click on Johnny's seminar link All right, shifting gears for a second You know, the other day, this expat gringo I know quite well Was walking down the street And he wasn't paying attention, typical for gringos His foot slipped on a piece of broken concrete He fell down, skinned up his leg something fierce And twisted his ankle and it swelled up to twice its size And he's been here long enough, he should know better And you know what, about a year and a half ago He did exactly the same thing That time, our stupid gringo wasn't watching again

[17:50] Slipped on a slippery metal grate Fell down and it was more serious That time he tore his Achilles tendon And had to wear a cast and get on crutches for a month and a half And wouldn't you know it, just last week, it happened to him again So here's the thing, when you look around at people Whether in their cars or they're walking down the street Half of them are screwing around with their devices And not paying attention to anything And apart from the fact that you might get nailed by a pickpocket anywhere In any big city in Latin America or the world The problem is you see in Latin America, in the third world Your basic infrastructure maintenance is inadequate at best And sometimes downright terrible In fact I can honestly say when you're walking down the sidewalk In any Latin city, town or village

[18:36] You have to be alert You really do have to check where you're walking And I mean it, on every city block there's a lawsuit waiting to happen But down here you know you can't sue anybody Especially not the government Which in a way is a good thing But the lack of maintenance sure isn't So it's a case of, as it should be, being aware And you know, everything's a risk I mean, every time you walk out the door Even in your house, in fact Statistics show the most dangerous places in America are Guess where? Not on the job or outside, but in your own home People fall and trip and cut and burn themselves all the time At home, hell that doesn't happen at Walmart, right? And if it did, you'd sue them So anyway, most people have the double whammy now Of all those screens to look at So they're walking down the street, looking at the screens

[19:23] Talking on the phone, sporting earbuds They just don't have much situational awareness Neither did that idiot gringo I just mentioned Now I repeat, walking down the streets of Latin America Especially in older parts of any town Is not much like walking down Main Street USA As far as the path you actually have to step on Because not only will you repeatedly see sidewalks That are cracked and heaving, with chunks missing I'd say about every third or fourth utility cover You know, those brass or concrete hatches That you see once in a while when you're walking along the street Access points to wires and valves and water pipes and such Well, I'd say about one in five of those things are completely missing Meaning stolen Especially if they're made out of a metal like brass or cast iron That can be taken to a local recycling center

[20:10] And sold for a few pesos or lampires But not to worry, as long as you make it a habit to glance down once in a while It's ridiculously easy to avoid the pitfalls But by no means should you have your head down all the time That's stupid I mean look, situational awareness by definition Means you know what's going around all around you Not just by your feet But really, the big problem these days are those devices Man, there's such a screen addiction thing going on these days Even here in Latin America with shoeshine, boys That you gotta wonder what it's gonna be like in a couple of years Since just about three to five years ago Hardly anyone here in Latin America even had a smartphone And back then the cost for the average latin was out of this world Though now, for thirty or forty bucks You can get a phone with a nice screen

[20:56] That'll have WhatsApp on it and Waze and Fakebook Twaddle So locals can now buy lower IQ smartphones To link up to their three favorite services They can talk to their friends and such practically forever Fakebook Twaddle and Wazap And that's all because it's voice over to internet And they know with their internet plans They don't have to pay hefty phone charges At least hefty for them So it's true nowadays A good percentage of Latin Americans are addicted to their devices But still not as much as you guys up in the States Who got quite a bit of lag time there too So anyway, the lesson here is Don't be like everyone else When ambling down the street, keep your eyes open Because you know if you do slip and fall and hurt yourself There's no one to sue Though if you do as I've often mentioned You'll have a very good insurance plan for peanuts

[21:43] But you know a lot of towns and cities in Latin America Have cobblestone roads and sidewalks Why? Because they're cultural colonial sites And some of them, just a few of them Are UNESCO World Heritage sites So you'll see very little cement pavement there It'll almost all be hand placed stones But that shouldn't discourage you Even if you're an old timer with a baston That's a cane or a walker or a wheelchair Because you do see valiant handicap travelers All the time down here And they enjoy the journey just as much as the next guy Anyway, just a heads up there Oh, and who is that idiot gringo Who took two falls in one year? Ended up with a sprained ankle, crutches, and a cast That idiot was yours truly, Johnny Hey, so it's been a wild week for me What with the volcano falling down

[22:30] And spraining my ankle And just two days ago, I hit another motorcycle That's three for me in 27 years I guess that's pretty good Considering if you drive a lot You're going to have at least three near misses a month So yes, it was the third motorcycle hit for me My first hit a while ago was when a motorcyclist ran a red light And I walloped him Man, he was all over the road And so were pieces of his bike Second time, a few years later I was driving on a busy one-way road About four lanes wide Heavy traffic And a motorcycle that's in a hurry, aren't they all? Decided to whip across four lanes of traffic He made it through three lanes I was in the final lane Kind of obscured by a truck to my left And man, I nailed him good And number three, that was just two days ago Now, you know, the only way to stop motorcycles

[23:15] From weaving in and out of traffic Alongside and in front of your car Even when you're stopped And there's a long line of traffic Waiting to go at a stoplight The only way to prevent that Is to pull up very close to the next guy's bumper Then the motorcyclist can't squeeze through Oh, but they'll try You just give them one foot of space And they'll find a way So it's true, I've nailed three motorcycles Well, what I'm saying is I nailed three motorcycles And put them out of commission permanently No, not the drivers, just the bikes But I can tell you, since I've been down here At least 50 motorcycles have done damage to my car That's usually when they're pulling up alongside of you Holding onto your bumper mirror for balance Scraping your car as they go by Edging their way between you and the next car

[24:01] In a space you just can't believe They can wiggle through Kind of like they say How a mouse can wiggle through a hole That's half the diameter of its head Hey, here's a good idea You know how those fighter pilots in World War I Like Eddie Rickenbacker in the Red Baron And then in World War II When they'd shot a plane down or made a kill They'd stencil the enemy plane with an X through it On the fuselage of their airplane Or with a skull and crossbones The more kills, the more stencils I'm thinking someone ought to make a stencil With a motorcycle for just that purpose You know, like those windshield stick people I think if people started putting a few of those on their cars The motorcycles would get the hint real fast Oh well, just another crazy idea But who knows? Could maybe sell a million of them on the internet

[24:49] I mean, hell, there's 20 Latin countries, right? And think of the market you'd have for that in Asia and India Ever see how those idiots drive? I mean, look, they've got cows and buffalo And elephants in the road, too At least they don't have that town here in Latin America Well, they do have the cows Oh, and goats and, of course, chickens Oh, and oxen, too, yeah, even oxen And man, you don't want to plow into the rear end of one of those guys That happened to a Brazilian friend of mine Neither his car, computer, nor his left leg Were ever the same again Oh, and don't forget, when you're out in the boonies There are occasional horses and cows just wandering along the road At any time of day or night Reason number 2426 Why you don't want to drive at night if you don't have to Oh, and while we're talking about roadway incidents Now, here's something funny

[25:34] The other day, I was in the center of a really big Latin city And right in front of me, there happened to be a police cruiser pickup At Toyota They're almost all Toyotas down here in Latin America, you know I don't know how that happens They seem to be the number one choice of Latin police departments And ISIS, I guess Toyota, Hilux, police cruises, man, they're everywhere Anyway, there's one in front of me Now, we all know exactly what they look like And how much the bed holds, right? Well, get this I counted 12 people in the back of that thing Four cops, and get this Eight gangbangers all cuffed to each other But I have to say, they didn't look like hardened gangbangers They were more like gangbangers like They had neck tats But none of the evil-looking facial tats Or expanded earlobe crap Man, doesn't that drive you nuts?

[26:21] You know, when I see someone with an expanded earlobe I'm thinking, he belongs to the minimum wage club That's like their calling card Their union card So, have I offended any of you listeners out there Who just might be sporting expanded earlobes? I'm thinking, if I ever get in a fight with you That would be my very first offensive move Then I'm going for that nose ring But, where was I? Oh yeah There's eight gangbangers handcuffed in police pickup in front of me Oh, and another reason I don't think they were very hardened gangbangers Because they didn't have standard prison jumpsuits But their heads were all shaved the same And they had a goofy little pattern cut into the hairline You see a lot of that these days You know, straight haircut on one side and the other side Could be a swastika, the Mona Lisa, or even Jesus But funny enough, for all the crazy haircuts I've seen here in Latin America And you see them on the TV music channels too, don't you?

[27:10] I've yet to see anyone copy Trump's do Probably because down here that wouldn't go so well So, why am I bringing this up about the gangbangers? Well, they and the cops were having a grand old time Laughing away And you know how the Italians kind of talk with their hands Well, the guys had these cuffs on And they were talking with the cuffs Motioning with them, pointing at things I mean, really, it was like they were all good buddies And maybe they were You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America If you need some help with your own Plan B You can schedule a one-on-one phone call with me But first, download my free Plan B questionnaire At www.thenewexpat.com Better yet, if you want to get your Plan B going from right up there in the States Just sign up for my 9-hour Expat Essentials course Get the perfect Plan B blueprint by going to the expatfiles.com

[27:56] Slash Academy Los Famos!