#834 – The Expat Files: Air Travel, Bathroom Etiquette, and Living in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right. How about this for an email? This one comes from Jody in Manhattan He says Johnny about body shaming and airplane etiquette, you know, the two are related I find it hard to sympathize about the rights they talk about for extra large and triple X people

[00:48] I fly a lot out of New York City So the flights are almost always full and you know It's a huge relief when I could move to another seat no matter who's sitting next to me because well cabin space is just not What it used to be that's why when I get on the plane I'm always scouting out a couple of moves ahead like a chess game thinking where can I move? Where can I move? Will I even have the opportunity to switch spots and move but that's only maybe five or ten percent of the time when I can Actually get away with it. And even then I take a big breath because it takes a little nerve and when I do I always have the sneaky kind of guilty feeling that the flight attendant is gonna come over and say get back into your seat Like you Johnny. I went to Catholic school too. So I'm always waiting for that reprimand Then he says what was it? You said on a past show Johnny you went to Catholic school

[01:38] So now you've got a master's degree in guilt I'll give you props for that cuz I couldn't have said it better myself You know Johnny I fly so much and get so aggravated in those tight cramped flights that I'm using my airpoints now Not to get free flights, which I've been doing for years and years, but not anymore Instead now I'm using them to upgrade to business class Where the seats are a few inches wider and you've got a little bit more foot room Johnny if it sounds like I'm pining away for the good old days when you didn't get patted down and go through the Humiliating experience of taking your shoes off and walking on those filthy airport floors in your socks You know really that's the worst for me. No one talks about it, but that's humiliating Yes, Johnny is on PC as it sounds

[02:24] I long for the good old days when you called flight attendants stewardesses They were all female thin and attractive and they didn't pack in like slices at a loaf of Wonder bread Hey, if that's sexist sue me, you know airlines state the size and weight restrictions when you book the ticket They've got pages and pages on their websites about that stuff. Why shouldn't they have the same for people? That would make sense when you arrive at the airport and check in You know, they have little square frames and scales to make sure your baggage is not overweight or oversized You know the drill if the bags too big you got to check it in if it's overweight I think it's 55 pounds now You got a ditch some of that stuff or pay an overweight fee that was never the case five or ten years ago Sure, they had the scales, but if you were overweight, they'd let you pass now

[03:12] Most airlines will charge up 50 to a hundred bucks And you can't just pay the check-in attendant when she gives you your boarding pass They make a call right then and there and send you off to another desk and another attendant a half a block away You'll be stuck there for at least a half an hour to just for the privilege of forging out an extra 50 or hundred bucks Yep, I'm old enough to remember that flying used to be part of the fun of any vacation and now it's the dreaded part I'll tell you Johnny once I got stuck sitting next to this really big lady who was wheezing and breathing hard Like she was in labor Then she took out a little plastic container and laid out around 15 pills on her serving tray Then wouldn't you know it came up bump and a little turbulence two or three of them rolled off hit the floor And what do you think she turns to me and gives me this dopey helpless look and there I was

[04:00] On the floor looking for pills because she certainly could never pull that off So the question is how can you avoid sitting next to people like that without having to upgrade to business or first class? Is it even possible? Well, Johnny, there is a little known fix. They call it a hack these days, right? I probably shouldn't mention this because if you tell it on the air, then I guess the gig is up So Johnny, it's your call buddy. I'm trusting you to do the right thing Anyhow, the fix is like this you pre-select your seat in the row of one of the emergency exits Generally with most planes anyway except the huge ones There are four emergency exits two over the wings and two towards the back The trick is you do online check-in a day before the flight

[04:45] That's where you give up even more your dats and print out your own boarding pass and you go to the section that allows You to select your own seat. So do that but select a seat in one of the emergency exit row aisles Why because there's a half to a full foot of extra legroom Those emergency exit aisles have to be wide enough So all sizes and shapes of people can file out easily on some airlines The seats are actually wider too and most people don't know this at all only frequent flyers and not many of those either And here's another good tip always always always pick a seat at the window if you can Because if you're stuck with a large person next to you in whatever aisle When he or she needs to use the bathroom you won't have to get up every time you won't have to get up at all

[05:30] No matter who you're stuck next to the aisle seat is the worst place to be because you'll be getting up all the time As other people get up to stress your legs go to the bathroom or dip into the overhead luggage rack for something They forgot now about pre selecting a seat at an emergency exit. Why don't people select those first? Why aren't they always filled right off the bat since there's more room and it's definitely more comfortable You'd think it'd be a no-brainer. Well, that's because if you're on any kind of international flight or a flight through Latin America Especially you have to be bilingual In fact when you're online selecting the seat as soon as you try There'll be a little pop-up window that says just that it'll say you must be able to speak Spanish in English or German in English If you're flying Lufthansa Italian in English if you're flying Alitalia and Russian in English if it's aroflat

[06:21] Etc. Etc. And that pop-up window will list more restrictions Like you can't have any kind of physical handicap and you must be able to lift the heavy exit door So it's a certainty that at least 95% of people who try to book those emergency aisle seats Just give up or are discouraged when they read the pop-up window, but mostly it's about the language restriction It's like you said Johnny at least 95 probably 98% of all gringos and expats can't speak fluent Spanish Ah, but here's the hack. How are they gonna know? No one's gonna give you a reading or spelling test in Spanish my advice if you've got any cojones that I'll go ahead and book it even if your Spanish sucks like mine does and Here's what'll happen when you get on the plane You'll sit down at your assigned emergency row seat and hopefully you'll be at the window

[07:09] Remember do not pick an aisle seat at any time no matter what unless you're the one with the bladder problems a frequent peer so what'll happen is right before the plane takes off the flight attendant to walk over and Ask the people in the emergency exit aisle if they speak Spanish and you'll not you won't have to prove it and that's it Then they'll take out the laminated emergency exit instruction card and they'll read it to you very quickly in both Spanish and English Sometimes if they're in a rush, they'll skip all that and say just familiarize yourself with it. That's all and you're done now Johnny s for my Spanish. It completely sucks I can't read or write it but that's never stopped me from getting an emergency aisle seat when available In fact, I do it all the time now speaking of window seats recently

[07:56] I had a very nice window seat in the emergency row aisle so things started out Well even better there was no one assigned to the center seat And just as we were getting ready to buckle in and take off a very obese man wedged himself into that center seat Oh, no, his body covered the armrest so completely I couldn't plug in my headphones or access the controls on the armrest and it was a long flight a completely full flight I'm sure he was a nice guy and I didn't want to make a scene and end up on Yahoo News So I endured the situation the best I could but there really is no way to completely relax in a situation like that So you have to ask yourself why do companies ship by weight and often by volume too? Just check out how the US Post Office UPS FedEx and Amazon ship their things even regular airlines

[08:47] Ship things by weight and volume unless you happen to be a person How about toll roads you pay by size and weight of the vehicle right you buy produce by size and weight So why not travel fares by weight it only makes sense if that would happen I bet the secondary effect would be tens of thousands of people would go on a crash airport diet to save a few bucks Hell I'd buy the book and the video and give it to my brother then he says Johnny How about this suppose airlines in an effort to make more dough and not discriminate or at least discriminate softly? Why couldn't they offer skinny person discounts? I know I know that could never happen because up in the states that would have just invite class action lawsuits But it's nice to brainstorm and dream up possibilities if we were living in a perfect world

[09:36] Another thing when I buy a ticket for an airplane seat I pay for one whole seat not three quarters or a half a seat and I'm entitled to at least one armrest And don't tell me Johnny if you travel enough, it'll all balance out Sometimes you'll get two armrests and sometimes none net result you average out with one armrest. I'm not buying that argument I want my one armrest now and I mean it I've personally have been in the position of not having a whole seat many times and it really pisses me off And you know, it's a fact that when you're in an airport or on a plane the squeaky wheel does not get the grease The squeaky wheel gets tossed on his can or it gets jail time a lot of that going around lately check the news In fact just a week ago two very large ladies

[10:23] Traveling together booked the window and the aisle seat so I was stuck in the middle That was one of the days I had to book at short notice and couldn't pick my seat So there I was seated in the middle of these two with no armrest action at all I might add those two ladies were very good friends and travel together all the time And when they did travel by plane, they pulled the same bit They'd pre-select their seats with a spare one between like the one I ended up in and how did I find that out? Well from the very start they were gabbing with each other and I was right in the middle And I said to one of them listen if we switch seats It'll be easier for you to talk to each other and the lady said thanks for the offer But that's how we travel we plan it this way. Yes. They had a plan

[11:10] They did that all the time and they were so large They couldn't even buckle their seat belts or put their tray tables all the way down In fact, they asked me if they could put their drinks on my tray table because mine was the only one that remained completely Horizontal so for a couple hours there. It was pure torture. I could barely move I could barely breathe and neither could they even reading a book was out of the question, but here's the topper a Flight attendant even took pity on me and asked me if I'd like to have my meal in her Jump seat in the back of the plane. I'm not kidding You can't make this stuff up and you'd think when the flight attendant made that offer It would embarrass the two extra large ladies. They were right there They heard the whole thing, but no it was yours truly who ended up red-faced. Talk about irony here

[11:57] I'm the guy who gets embarrassed and as for having to go to the bathroom I thought I dare not nowadays. I react to these situations depending on my mood Which usually isn't good when I'm flying for example a couple of weeks ago a nice very heavy man arrived to claim the middle Seat once again when he asked me to raise the armrest so he could have some room I politely said no thinking to myself I don't want to spend the next four hours in direct body contact with someone I don't even know hell Johnny when I was a teenage kid in a Catholic high school I didn't get that close to my Protestant girlfriend till the fourth date, but oh those Catholic and Jewish girls Sorry, I digress there a bit didn't I? Then Jody says get this I originally came across your show the expert files on prn.fm

[12:47] Station out in New York because I've been listening to Gary Nall a true health guru Who's been on that station for years and years though something really puzzles me Johnny? I know Gary Nall travels all the time seems to be on airplanes every week. He's doing remote shows shooting Documentaries giving lectures all over the world. I wonder how does he handle present-day travel Situations TSA and all that and what about hanging around airports flying and planes and using airplane Lavatories I've heard him say when he travels and goes into restaurants He disinfects his chair and armrests and his place at the table with colloidal silver and other stuff And he's got a tiny air ionizer that he wears around his neck

[13:33] He uses that when he's flying and I understand he disinfects his silverware or brings his own And you know every time I fly out I think about doing that stuff myself Then I'm thinking that's all for not when some guy or gal You've never met is suddenly stuck to your arm and for four hours. You're mutually exchanging sweat then Inevitably that person's got to get up and take a whiz and that's a huge undertaking, too Then sooner or later the time will come when you too have to use the airplane restroom How are you supposed to disinfect and deal with that? If you think too much about what's really going on in that little room You'll never go in there then again Maybe the best idea of all is go on a 12-hour fast right before you take off for the airport

[14:20] Then again, the common wisdom is that you should really hydrate yourself when you go on a flight You can't win then Jody says Johnny speaking of airplane restrooms, man I'm a skinny guy and even I have trouble maneuvering around in them now I don't want to sound course or crude here But I have to tell you and all the hundreds of flights have taken I've never had to do the number two at 30,000 feet That's the Mile High Club. I don't want to join then he says, you know, I stress about it a little bit Every time I'm waiting at the airport lounge. I'm always thinking someday. The odds are not gonna be with me Then you've got those disgusting airport John's no offense John Of course the John's in the VIP and executive lounges are a cut above. They're meant to be

[15:08] I'm sure Johnny if you read any of this for your show some of your listeners are gonna think I'm Obsessive even neurotic about airplane and airport John's it's just I spend so much time at airports and on planes After a while, you can't help but notice this stuff. Yes. I'm sure I've thought about it more than most I figure seriously I'd actually pay five even ten dollars to have guaranteed privacy and a speak-and-span really clean environment if and when duty calls Hey now, there's an idea an airport hygiene upsell now Johnny to prove that I'm not such in that case after all Let me offer a couple of observations in my defense Question have you ever been to Germany Austria Switzerland or even northern Italy? Well, if you haven't did you know they actually have public John's in their cities and metro stations

[15:59] Which under most circumstances and in most countries are generally the worst restroom Habitats in the world barring gas stations But in those previously mentioned countries that have restrooms Some of them open 24 hours a day or an older lady is camped out with a TV dog hot plate Microwave an easy chair and sometimes a tiny kitchenette and you pay her a euro She maintains that John as clean as an operating room. I'm not kidding. It's a job. Yep. That's an actual job And guess what if you don't have a euro tough crap pun intended, it's pay-to-play and it's worked like that for decades I first saw it in fact in 1985 on my first trip to Europe

[16:44] Oh and that was well before the third and fourth world illegal immigration Invasion of Europe which has taken its toll even on those restrooms and the ladies who take care of them nowadays those Monitored spic and span bathrooms still exist But the nice European cities are deteriorating in a big way And you just walk a couple of blocks off the main tourist drag and the main business districts and it stinks like urine and worse And sadly I've even heard of cases where those nice old bathroom ladies who've worked those jobs for years They've been beaten up robbed and extorted by gangs of illegal thugs What's the world coming to my advice see Europe while you still can and my advice to those oh so nice bathroom ladies And they really are team up or get a bigger dog

[17:32] Alright me Johnny here again. Well Jody. What can I say and about those bathroom ladies in Europe? Yeah, I've seen them too and man I agree what's happening in Europe is sad You know I don't think they have any full-time older bathroom ladies any place in the States though I could be wrong kind of wonder if anyone would take the job, but you'll be happy to know her Maybe you won't that here in Latin America. They do have such things in certain public bathrooms and private bathrooms, too Yep, occasionally you'll run into a nice old lady restroom attendant But here in Latin America you don't pay a euro or a buck usually pay 10 to 25 cents and when you do she'll hand you a couple of sheets of toilet paper single ply Sandpaper style and I'm not kidding and direct you to what'll be 95% of the time at least a very

[18:23] Disgusting stall so even though my mantra is almost always you get what you pay for Including this show in the case of public restrooms here in Latin America and a lot of private ones, too You're better off taking a walk into the woods Oh and just one more thing about restrooms specifically here in Latin America You've heard me say I've been down here is something like 28 years now So I should be used to pretty much everything and anything Latin America has in store for me You know the good the bad the ugly and the great even so you long-time listeners have heard me say there are a certain few things You just can't get used to no matter how long you're down here In fact on the last show you heard me say one of those was Kukarachas and on earlier shows you heard me mention that gringles and expats never get used to how badly people drive here in Latin

[19:11] America you've heard me say if you've got road rage you never get rid of it It'll likely get worse in one of the main reasons. You don't want to have a gun in the glove box Well, here's another thing even being down here 28 years. I just can't get used to it's always a bit unnerving to me When I walk into a bathroom public private or otherwise and see there's a lady in there cleaning up and mopping I know I know you're thinking well at least someone's cleaning up, right? But look having a lady a female type lady often a young lady just an arm's length They're so away from you while you're doing your thing well, some gringles and expats find they just can't do their thing under those circumstances as Mr.. Rogers might tell the kids at home. Can you say pea shy? All right, let's go and reverse for a second and talk a little bit about what we weren't able to finish in the last show that

[20:02] Would be sustainability here in Latin America after one of those many critical tipping points But the dust up where you live in other words What's it gonna be like here living in Latin America when the reset button gets pushed? So we've got all these nasty things on the horizon including economic collapse global warming threats of nuclear and biologic warfare Terrorism on a large-scale hackers bringing down the net in fact. I'm surprised that hasn't happened yet entire countries defaulting hurricanes tsunamis new in crazier diseases and on and on Anyway last show we were discussing your plan be here in Latin America and sustainability When those nasty bad and evil times come and some people say they're here already Anyway, we left off last show talking about how lots of gringles and expats are thinking about homesteading having a little place out in

[20:52] The boonies planning on being self-sufficient or nearly so growing their own crops or growing something anyway By the way, if you have some land and don't plant a garden big things will start growing there anyway. Oh Yeah, and last show we were also talking about mini climates mini climates You have to decide what kind of general climate you want to live in that would be elevation and how close you are to water And that includes the odd subject of humidity here in Latin America. I'll tell you it's not something to forget about or just glaze over It's got a great effect here in Latin America Especially on your clothes and your house and practically everything you own just ask anyone up north who has a beach house anyway, as mentioned there are enormous variations in annual rainfall depending where you are in Latin America as a result of these micro and macro

[21:41] Climates some people, you know have a problem with high humidity if they're on inhalers or medicine or allergies and such So humidity can be an important consideration Basically, if you choose to have a lush lush landscape your typical tropical garden with the bird of paradise flowers and fantastic Vegetation everywhere. It's gonna be humid not so much in the dry season But definitely for six months of the year in the rainy season now If you've been listening to some of my past shows, you know, there are solutions to all that skylights and closet ventilation the way you orient your house the way the Sun penetrates your windows, etc Lots of variables, but if you build their own your own home, you're in control of most of them However, if you're renting you have almost no control over anything but the airflow remember most Latin American houses and dwellings probably

[22:31] 95% of them they put almost no thought at all into controlling humidity If you rent you'll certainly have some humidity problems But what can you do you can't very well punch a hole in the ceiling and put in the skylight though in most cases It would increase the value of the property and be a huge improvement You don't do that to rental properties now If you're a long-term renter and you get along with your landlord Well decide to punch a few holes put some skylights in get the airflow going get the humidity down I guarantee when you move out you won't be reimbursed a penny Just be aware if you don't have a skylight in your closet, doesn't that sound weird? I mean really who's got skylights in their closet? Why me of course and I think every expat and gringo who's been down here a while has had their shoes and clothes

[23:17] Destroyed by mold and they have to think about putting skylights in their closets if they're gonna build That's right. Everything you've got that's real leather shoes belts wallets leather jackets Indiana Jones hats and that's an M whips Even those plastic jackets that look so much like leather these days They will if left in a typical closet here in Latin America will eventually get attacked by mold Hey, wait, there are dehumidifiers down here, right? That's what they're for. Yep You can buy them down here at Sears Costco Walmart. They're in all the appliance stores But is it worth it to run those things? 24-7 when electricity and most of Latin America costs about three times as much per kilowatt hour than it does in the states Well, I found that most people who buy those things mostly gringos and expats by the way quit using them after a while

[24:04] They just cost too much to run So just know after a while if you don't air your closet out and move your shoes and clothes around You'll be throwing stuff out regularly. Oh and Latin America has fog FOG fog That's why they call most elevations over 3,000 feet the cloud forest That means most all altiplano regions are in the cloud forest though The fog is only generally dense during the rainy season and even then when there's fog 80% of the time It's going to be at night and man it can get extremely thick lots of pedestrians Horses and cows have found that out the hard way Meanwhile day and night chicken buses still pass on dead man's curves with no tickets ever issued by cops because they do the same

[24:50] Owen you know up in the states when truckers have a white light that's pointed in reverse and they use it to signal you that It's safe to pass Well, I'd say about one in ten thousand trucks here in Latin America have those and it's a true gift when you get behind one Of these guys. Why hasn't this caught on? Is it lag time ignorance laziest? Who knows one trucker? I talked you said he got used to one in the states He drove truck up there and used it all the time that is until he got caught and deported. Oh, well And if you think having so-called fog lights on your car is gonna help forget about it Unless you've got a jeep or a four-wheel drive vehicle with a huge rack of them on the top That'll help but simple fog lights on a regular car forget about it, but let's get back to growing your own

[25:36] Yep, needless to say elevation and rainfall are critical factors for gardening Don't buy country land with a preconceived idea of what you will grow Let the land and the local weather conditions and the locals make that determination for you. Just watch what they're growing They'll even help you they'll be glad to help you get this You can steal water from a river if it's going through your property and you're not a pig though It's probably illegal But there are no water police here in Latin America unless your neighbors report that you're stealing more than they can steal Now I'm not condoning the practice I'm just telling you what a lot of gringos and expats do here in Latin America in the end If you don't live in one of those more deserty parts of Latin America You'll find you can grow all kinds of stuff and in massive quantities. Just talk to the locals

[26:24] They know what grows best in the area you're interested in they know it all and you don't though That's not to say you can't experiment. Go ahead order some seeds from the states Give it a try see what grows and since there are three or four growing seasons in most of Latin America The possibilities are endless. Oh and don't forget there are plenty of University trained professional Agronomists here, too So if you've got any particular questions about crops and soil and stuff just go down to the local University and there'll be plenty of people to talk to you and don't forget about flowers and orchids I have a gringo friend who's got a wall of orchids in his backyards You know their parasites and live on other plants and trees. It's kind of strange They seem to exist on air and you know wherever there are cloud forests that would be altiplano and higher There will be orchids

[27:10] I see them growing wild all the time and fruit trees grow like crazy here too and even if you have just one tree You'll get way too much fruit and most of it will be ugly no way pretty enough to export to the gringo market But who cares the citrus and apples will be especially ugly, but they'll be fantastically tasty nutritious and huge You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B You can schedule a one-on-one phone call with me But first download my free plan B questionnaire at www.the new expat.com Better yet if you want to get your plan B going from right up there in the States Just sign up for my 9-hour expat essentials course get the perfect plan B blueprint by going to the expat files.com

[27:57] Academy