#876 – The Expat Files: Spam, Business Failures, and Bilingualism in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America the show that tells you just what it's like to live Work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Alright, so I checked my spam box, you know You have to do that once in a while and you know It used to be a good excuse if you didn't get back to someone right away. How many times have you heard this one? Oh, I'm sorry didn't see your message must have went into the spam box

[00:45] Yeah, that excuse worked for a while, right? Because you know if someone sends you a message and you don't get back to him within a couple hours People feel slighted. They think you demoted them to the B list Especially if you're using anti social media a lot like fake book and insta crap. So check your spam folders once in a while Well, I just did this morning and I found out I've no longer popular with exiled Nigerian princes Haven't had an email from one of those guys in a couple of weeks now Though I did find a couple of long-lost emails concerning the Libra, you know that fake book cryptocurrency I guess by now everybody knows about that In fact, every time you flicked on your computer to check out some news site There is that very strange-looking mug of that manboy mark suck a turd. Oops. Did I just mispronounce that?

[01:32] Hmm poop will happen, huh man. Talk about a face that only a mother could love or that's asking to be slapped He's got that kind of face that always looks guilty Don't they like a guy denying he's got a timeshare on Epstein Island Speaking of timeshares, one of the world's worst investments. There are exceptions. There's always exceptions You know They are going great guns here in Latin America Especially Mexico where it seems every Latino with a decent line of credit is always trying to prove to his neighbor that he's moving on Oh, that's why timeshares are so popular But now you know the latest thing in timeshares like the one that just hit my spam folder is get this Private jet timeshares, you know Those things are expensive like five to ten million for a new Learjet

[02:18] And you know in that case a timeshare seems to be a good idea Because those things sit idle and hangers something like 95% of the time or at least they did Until someone came up with a timeshare idea So yep, you could buy a week two weeks even a month and bragging rights to your own private jet Like the average traveler could afford that hmm and the advantages are not just bragging rights It is an excellent idea people who travel a lot for business and fly business and first-class quite a bit Spent tons of money if you add it up I know on long-distance flights Anyway You could pay two or three times as much for first-class or business than a coach seat and even if you fly first-class and pay That extra dough you still have to stand in sweaty lines with screaming kids and get the TSA pat-downs and proctals

[03:04] Now the cool thing is when you fly on a private jet you go to a different part of the airport all together It's very low-key. No crowds no lines and you even get free parking right in that terminal Oh, and there's no connecting flights You're flying direct all the time and there's no airport layovers Therefore no airport food or skanky smelly cattle call airport restrooms The seats are wide and comfortable and there'll be no Slavic guy with bad teeth Reeking of cigarettes sharing an armrest with you like I had on my last flight Oh, and there's no baggage constraints or weight limits either By the way, have you ever flown on a private jet? Well, I'll tell you on takeoff. It's a little bit scary I did it once and it was fun was an invite. I didn't pay

[03:50] Speaking of Lear jets, you know, not all private jets are Lear jets That's just a generic name like Kleenex is for tissue. All right now for today's fun fact Do you know how Lear made his money initially? Before the jet well for you people who actually lived in the dinosaur rock era you remember those eight track tape players Man back then if you had a car those things were the soundtrack to people's lives They had miles of recording tape in them tons of moving parts So they broke down all the time But they were good enough and all we had and everyone knew if you weren't careful They'd eat the tape and you know boomers today can't believe they call it classic rock I mean back then in the day if someone were to tell you what you're listening to is gonna be called Classic rock in the future. You just said shut up and have another hit and pass the ripple

[04:40] Yep, classic rock it somehow cheapens the word classic doesn't it even here in Latin America? Every major market has an English classic rock station if you can believe that you'll know it when you first arrive at an airport in A big city. It's almost a guarantee the first uber you take that the driver most likely seeing you're a gringo will tune it in I can't tell you how many times I've secretly died inside an uber listening to Rod Stewart Michael Boulter Airsupply, of course, it's infinitely better than listening to Daddy Yankee or pitbull But then again, there's that poisonous secondary effect of hearing a Bee Gees song and not being able to get it out of your head Shouldn't there be an app for that? You know, there's an idea Yeah, right Michael Bolton Bee Gees and yet they have the nerve to call even that crap classic rock

[05:25] But I digress actually that last few minutes was an experiment in digression for your information I just want to bet at there regarding how many coherent digressions I could fit into the first three minutes of the show You know, I started off this rant by saying check your spam folder. Why well, for example, here's an email I got stuck in my spam folder that should be of interest to a lot of you He says Johnny, I'm just a few months away now from coming down to Latin America I've listened to all your archive podcasts paying special attention to the business success stories Though I can't help but have a healthy dose of skepticism. However, can it really be that easy for gringos? One of my main goals of coming down is for business opportunities And one thing I don't remember you talking much about were business failure stories

[06:15] I know you mentioned a few and maybe my memory fails or just has a bias toward hearing what I want to hear I don't know So my question is do you have examples of people who should have succeeded but didn't rather than people who? Shouldn't have succeeded but did you know like someone who came down with a good financial cushion worked hard and still failed in business Ended up broke and had to go back to the US Obviously, this is definitely what I want to avoid Anyway, I'm looking forward to coming down soon and hope to meet up with you buy your coffee dinner lunch a drink, whatever Thanks signed Paul. All right, Paul good question Before we get started on that why don't people offer me a free trip or a free room at the Panama Hard Rock Hotel

[07:00] It's always Johnny. I'll buy you a lunch or a cup of coffee. Oh, well, I guess it's the thought that counts, right? All right, Paul then let's get to your question Now you hear me talk all the time about the gringo advantage and how it's alive and well Except when you're well on the gringo tourist trailer very near to the gringo tourist trail because then your competition is gonna be gringos And that's the worst kind of competition to have now the best business move Of course is to have an individual niche that needs filling and no one's filled yet Then you'll clean up but most times a gringo has a business idea and there's gonna be competition Though you want it to be Latino. That's where your gringo advantage will really shine All right. Let's talk about failed gringos and failed gringo business ideas. How about first? Let's talk about mine

[07:48] You know throughout the years. I've had at least 13 different businesses some lost money some broke even in a few Whoa, well first business I had was in Costa Rica right across from the international airport one Santa Maria airport The first you storage business in all of Latin America and guess what it didn't fail me But my business partner did he was a Canadian one day I was in my lawyer's office and he said Johnny I think you ought to know that the six months you're in the country watching the thing It's always making more money than when your partner's watching it for his six months Now you see my Costa Rican lawyer also had an accountant working with him in the office So they could see what was going on with the books. Anyway, he was telling me that my Canadian partner You know those Canadians are supposed to be so kind generous and honest and nice

[08:36] But he was dipping in the till and ripped me off because it was that kind of business that was almost all cash Hey now, that's the way to go, huh, but it also invites temptation So on the good advice of my lawyer who told me not to accuse him of anything Play cool and just tell him you're leaving the country and you want him to buy you out And that's exactly how I got out of it. I sold out for what I had in it So it was not a net win for me. I lost something like two years in time and effort So the business wasn't a failure, but I was at failure at picking my partners Next I was partner in a bar and restaurant in Antigua Guatemala Had a partner who was half Belgian half Canadian again. The guy turned out to be a liar We were supposed to put up the front money equally as expenses and bills came in

[09:22] We'd each come up with half of that amount whatever it was and as we were closing in on the home stretch He ran out of money went back to Canada to sell his Harley in the wintertime Impossible and I caught him in a few more lies along the way little white lies and a couple of big ones, too I know I know everyone lies once in a while though. Some lies are universal and quite acceptable like the one you tell your grandma when she comes back from the hairdresser and Then there's the fact that women of most all cultures lie about their age and their weight and guys lie about their sexual Conquests and income but this guy was a chronic fibber So how did I meet this guy and even trust him enough to start a business with him? Well, he was one of the guys in my outdoor in the park Spanish class So I was with the guy in the morning for something like two months three or four hours a day

[10:10] You get to talking about your life and he told me that he ran a very successful bar and kind of hard rock cafe in Belgium He was the manager and administrator and he said his great dream was to open up a similar place in Antigua Guatemala, but he couldn't do it alone. He needed a partner. So voila enter clueless gringo Johnny Little did I know most of the story he was feeding me was bullshit And when the bar was almost completely ran out of money, I had had enough of his lies So I definitely knew I didn't want to be in business with this guy So I sold my half out two weeks before the bar even open made my money back just broke even but lost all the time And effort same story is Costa Rica. The sad thing was it opened and within two or three months It was the hottest bar and disco splash restaurant in all Antigua

[10:58] Guatemala was raking in the dough and I was so pissed off I didn't get to enjoy the spoils at all that it soured me on Guatemala for a long long time And I left the country for more than ten years I ended up in Panama, Colombia Honduras and a couple of other very nice choice places Which in the end turned out very good for me You know what the Chinese say when one door closes two more open up You just have to decide which one to walk through though Some people remain so indecisive they're flummoxed and don't walk through any of them That would be most people stuck on a treadmill up in the States So that was two strikes for me two failed businesses here in Latin America But did I give up and go back to the States? Nope Then in one of the crazier businesses I decided to invest in

[11:43] I became silent partners with a beautiful Latina who had a good idea She had this idea to set up what she called a bikini girl car wash I was a silent partner she did everything She rented a defunct gas station on a busy corner on the Pan American highway Great place great location safe tons of traffic She was a model by the way and hired a bunch of out of work Latina models To wear bikinis and wash cars and work the bar and restaurant etc Oh and here's a tip about serving booze and beer in Latin America Turns out if you get a permit to sell food as a restaurant Or even have a kind of a 7-eleven corner market you don't even need a liquor license At least that's how it is when you're off the tourist trail When you're on the gringo trail the local government's always more strict about that stuff Plus you know they want to soak the gringos for taxes as much as they can

[12:31] Yep that's what happens when the gringos pile in Anyway after about two or three months the place was going like gangbusters Then one day the local cops came and shut the place down Why? Because it was close to a fairly upscale neighborhood And a school and a church and a kindergarten within a couple of blocks of the place And as we found out some of the old ladies living in the neighborhood Had seen their own husband's cars parked at that car wash For a little too long and a little too often Well they petitioned the municipality and dug up an old law that said There couldn't be an establishment that served liquor or beer Within a hundred meters that's about two blocks of a kindergarten or grade school And when the girl who ran the place went to court with a counter argument Pointing out a half a dozen situations where there were places selling liquor and beer

[13:21] Right next to grade schools and kindergartens and other parts of the city Well no good the judge wouldn't budge he still wouldn't have it Even though and this is the kicker He would often come and get his car washed there himself So strike three for me I lost my investment in that business And who'd have thunk for the craziest of reasons huh? So bottom line sexy sells as long as it's not in your wife's neighborhood Now I have to admit when I first was approached by that beautiful young model I had my doubts the place was never going to take on But I thought hell it certainly is going to be interesting and a lot of fun and it was So I didn't put a lot of money into it Not enough maybe five grand that if I lost it all it would wreck my style of living In fact that's how I always look at investments here in Latin America The first thing I ask myself is if I lose all this dough Is it going to affect my lifestyle?

[14:08] That is to say I never invest so much that if I lost it I'd lose sleep over it Or worse have to retreat back to the states with my tail between my legs Just like Bitcoin and cryptocurrency never invest more than you can afford to lose But by all means do invest Now it's obvious most gringos and expats looking to start a business Will go to the touristy areas thinking you know Let's market to clueless tourists and wealthy gringos Like no one's ever thought of that before Just remember as mentioned if you're on the gringo tourist trail there'll be lots More government rules regulations and hoops to jump through Lots more permits even an inspection once in a blue moon That is if you have a brick and mortar business And as for me I've been down here a long long time now I am of the opinion that I never really want to have a brick and mortar business

[14:53] In Latin America or anywhere in the world again There's just too much money to be made with online businesses And plus there's almost zero overhead You could do it from your living room in your underwear or in your home office Or in a bathtub full of red bull and cheese whiz Like for example one of my buddies who has a very successful online software business Well oddly enough all the keyboards at his business Are permanently stained the color orange Not sun-kissed orange cheeto orange Or as Latinos like to call them chetos Speaking of business failures the funny thing is I'd say about nine out of ten gringo businesses start out as hobbies Things gringos and expats like to do You know lots of time on your hands You can pursue some of the dreams you never had time space or money for

[15:39] When back on that treadmill Even tree-hugging gringos with esoteric artsy dreams Often stumble into success Like for example I know two gringos in two different Latin countries Doing pretty well enough to support themselves in a first world style anyway Just making their own handmade soaps and scented candles if you can believe that Shades of petulioil huh Hey you boomers remember that stuff Was kind of a 60s and 70s poor man's Chanel number five And one of those girls yes the woman She makes all kinds of money and doesn't even have a shop She just goes to gringoize tourist spots And makes deals to place her candles incense and stuff In existing stores and boutiques on consignment And she provides a nice little rainforest hardwood display rack

[16:26] There's this other guy I know an artist Who makes mini figurines and funky little items out of Get this silver spoons and forks Heats him up bends him whatever he does And turns him into mini chairs Sofas and tables figurines They really are little works of art And he's got them consigned out to boutique clothing stores And jewelry shops in mostly gringoized area And high end Latino shopping malls off the tourist trail Now he's no Yuri Geller but he does make a nice living So I figure a good nine out of ten businesses started by gringos Evolved from tiny little one man or one person operations As a kind of a hobby And I can't tell you how many of those never really made it or failed Because a lot of those people didn't start out To have any kind of big money making operation

[17:11] It just was something they wanted to do But I can tell you this And you've probably figured it out already The gringo businesses that do tend to fall apart or go bust Are the ones where one of the partners isn't pulling his weight Doesn't have any skin in the game Which is really important A lesson I learned way too late myself by the way And often as in my case you have a business partner Who simply rips you off or lies and misleads you Another thing is over the years I've met a whole slew of gringos Who've been in business to try starting a business Only to find they've placed way too much trust In what some latin guy, businessman, latin neighbor or lawyer has told them Because you know down here in latin america Everything's on manana time and everything is no problemo No problem man we can do it And that's just not the way it is And remember here in latin america unlike the states

[17:58] A handshake is not a deal I hate to be so cynical as to say don't trust anybody But in truth you really shouldn't trust anyone Especially as expat Eddie likes to say If he speaks english Although as mentioned earlier There are always exceptions always But I'll tell you one thing If you're going to start a brick and mortar business Even if you're on the gringo tourist trail And everybody around you including your clients speak english I personally these days anyway Would never start a brick and mortar business If I didn't know some spanish Because if you don't You're going to always depend on other people that translate for you Not only is that a pain in the ass But that person most likely won't have any skin in the game Worse yet we'll be in the perfect position to take advantage of you And as it turns out many gringas looking to start a business

[18:44] Will hook up with a latino boyfriend Who will serve as the translator and more And vice versa if it's a lone gringo looking to start a business He'll hook up with a latina And when that happens and I've seen it happen a lot Especially in laid back beach and surfer towns Let's just say most times it does not end up well And another thing if you don't speak spanish And you end up off the gringo tourist trail Now remember I was on the gringo tourist trail myself For about two and a half to three years living in costa rica So initially I had a very soft landing And was stuck with gringo speaking english everywhere Including latinos speaking english Who by the way I'm always a little suspicious of Because for one that means either went to bilingual schools And are tainted children of the latin rich And believe it you don't want to get involved with those folks Especially not in business Because like their american soft palmed counterparts

[19:32] They usually suffer from over coddling And will not pull their weight as business partners And then you've got latinos who will try to warm up to you They speak english because they got deported And you definitely don't want to go into business with one of those guys I mean look they've already committed quite a few crimes To get back and forth across the border So you're dealing with somebody who's not quite trustworthy from the get go Though quite a few clueless gringos will hook up with these guys Because they're not bilingual and they're starting a business And they need someone to do the translating Big mistake and that's happened to a couple of my very best gringo friends Who unfortunately still don't speak spanish So that's why I'm often suspicious of latinos and latinas Who speak pretty good english Whether they're on or off the gringo tourist trail

[20:18] Not saying they're all bad people It's just that if you partner up with them you're taking a risk But I have to admit even for me After being a couple of years in costa rica I just couldn't learn spanish I said to myself I have to get off the tourist trail And I ended up for years In places where I would meet a single english speaking person for days on end And even when I did finally learn my spanish I had a real craving once in a while To be around people who got my jokes You know people you could hang with Who could give just as good as they get And could fire one-liners and zingers back at you As well as you could at them I mean you know that's part of sitting around And hanging with the boys or the girls right? And really gringos are the best at having that kind of fun Because I'm being 100 honest with you here I don't care if your spanish is 99.9%

[21:05] The camaraderie you have with the local spanish speakers You're gonna meet and hang with Will not be on par creatively speaking With the gringos and expats you hang with on the tourist trail Then again the tourist and expats you meet on the tourist trail Always seem to be a cut above on the iq and social and cultural awareness scale Then the gringos back home on the treadmill in cleveland Because travelers at least international travelers Always seem to be culturally, socially, and intellectually A slight cut above the good old boys that hang in the sports bars back home Hey I could be wrong but I bet I could write a book on it But then again you'll find a good share of distasteful gringos and gringas On the tourist trail too Many of them do-gooders, tree huggers, backpackers, retired public school teachers

[21:50] And pensioned out government workers out to cure the wrongs of the world like they know how to do it Oh you'll find them down here alright You know, or maybe you don't know The ones that crowd the sports bars on the gringo tourist trail Rooting for the yankees and the bulls and the bucks They're joiners too, they love to start and join groups Self-help clubs, republicrats abroad Sunday barbecues and cookouts talking politics Man I'll tell you when you're on the tourist trail It'll take you about two seconds to locate a gringo self-help group Loaded with Trump haters and Obama Clinton lovers Now in my mind I don't care who you happen to love or hate in a political arena I just think it's stupid, foolish, and counterproductive To bring that baggage down here when you move to Latin America The truth is the smartest, happiest, most content gringos and expats I know

[22:39] Just don't concern themselves with that crap at all They came down here to get off the treadmill And bringing down that social justice warrior and political baggage with you That means you've got one foot still firmly stuck on that treadmill Though it's not your usual work a day treadmill It's a different kind of treadmill It's going on in your mind I could be wrong but I doubt it Hey I'm not an expert on anything except my own opinion But you knew that already right? So in the end do gringos fail in business here in Latin America? Of course they do But I think if you follow just a few simple rules It's very difficult to fail One, try not to have a partner Especially a partner you're romantically involved with Unless of course you're married Number two, don't believe half of what people are telling you Be especially leery of Latinos who speak English

[23:25] Who are giving you advice Unless of course they're trained professionals Like doctors, lawyers, architects, etc Keep away from brick and mortar businesses if you can Especially hotels, restaurants, and the bar and entertainment business Number four, if you've got competition Make sure it's Latino and not gringo Because remember, you've got the gringo advantage and they don't And finally, gringos will rip you off too So will Canadians, eh? Alright, speaking of speaking Spanish I was on an airplane the other day And you know here in Latin America They've got the in-flight magazines in English and in Spanish So I came across this tiny article entitled Learning a foreign language can stave off Alzheimer's It says in many studies of Alzheimer's, patients in northern Italy, Germany, and Switzerland

[24:10] People who spoke both German and Italian Were on average admitted to Alzheimer's words Five years later than people who could only speak one language And it says as it turns out People who were bilingual for any particular stage In the Alzheimer's progression had the same apparent five-year delay In other words, being natively bilingual Slows the process of dementia five years So it really is worth putting the effort in But I'll caution you again If you work, play, and or retire in Latin America On the gringo tourist trail The chances are very good That you'll never learn to converse in Spanish Enough to even talk on a basic level to your cleaning lady Much less watch a movie in Spanish Read a book or even understand What people are talking about in the elevator However, if you're living off the tourist trail

[24:57] You pretty much have no choice Even if you resist to pick it up Because the people you meet and hang with Aren't going to learn English just to talk to you Though you'll always find some gringos Living off the gringo tourist trail Who seem to home in on other gringos and expats in the same boat Which is why every small, medium, and large city Well off the gringo tourist trail Has its so-called gringo slash expat bar or bars And they're almost always located in and around The business, hotel, and convention areas Oh, and here's something that hits home Talking about home whether it's in the States or in Latin America You know, lately this buying your way into elite colleges Has been all over the news up in the States Especially with these Hollywood people, right? Well, don't think it doesn't happen down here in Latin America As you will see from this article

[25:43] It just came out in a Cuenca Ecuador newspaper Listen to this It says just last week a document was sent to the rector of the University of Cuenca The rector's name, Pablo Benagas The document reports that the entrance exam To the School of Medicine and Dentistry in Cuenca Were leaked and shared on WhatsApp and up for sale Days before the exams were to be taken Again with the WhatsApp, huh? Or as some prefer to call it WhatsApp Anyway, it says the third year medical student Who sent this data on WhatsApp and put the answers up for sale Included in his sales package The answers to six complete exams Those entrance exams were taken on May 31st of this year By 8,000 people aspiring to get into medical and dental school

[26:29] Apparently they caught this guy and he's got a lawyer now Turns out some of those students paid up to $600 For advanced copies of these exams that were transferred over WhatsApp Bottom line Latin American universities Just like up in the states have their own particular scandals By the way, the other day I was talking to our own Captain Mango And he was telling me about his former landlord One of these entitled children of the rich Who's now a grown adult and who should know better Is actually in the business of selling fake university diplomas Offering fake degrees, titles, and all the paperwork For the most well-known degrees and careers Which reminds me of an article in Spanish I read not so long ago It stated that up to a third Of the senators, representatives, congressmen, and diplomats They're called tiputados

[27:15] When they're in congress by the way Tiputado means deputy Anyway, the article said that up to a third Of the people sitting in congress right now Have false university degrees listed in their credentials I know, I know a pustulant, magnetist thing to do But if you're going to swim with the turds You're going to get some poop on you You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America If you need some help with your own Plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email The Expat Files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list For my next week-long Expat Insider Seminar in Central America Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your Plan B Send me an email The Expat Files at gmail.com No spambos