#933 – The Expat Files: Work, Culture, and Dating in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right. Let's get started by talking about how to make 20 plus bucks an hour Teaching Chinese kids online. Why am I bringing this up again? Well, because I'd say at least half the people coming down to Latin America and living their plan B or part-time plan B

[00:46] Will need or want to have a job sooner or later Let's face it unless you're retired or an old cotcher or as the Brit say a geezer By the way, that was the name of the bass player in Black Sabbath geezer Anyway, if you come down before you retired your nest egg, whatever it is, we'll eventually run out unless you're independently wealthy And I'd say probably about 20% of the people who come down with a plan B fall into that category In other words, they really don't ever have to work again But you'll find if you come down here and you don't eventually find something to do a hobby or hobbies Whatever you could end up totally bored and fate Could end up choosing your new hobby whether you like it or not. The most common one for idle hands and minds down here is booze Specifically beer because you know, we are talking about the tropics, right?

[01:32] So anyway, those cards letters and emails are always coming in asking me about teaching Chinese kids online because that and call center Work and English teaching in schools here in Latin America and of course bartending or being a hotel receptionist If you're on or near the tourist trail are the quickest and easiest routes to making some money in a hurry And there's an especially great demand for real live gringo and gringo English teachers because you see down here in Latin America There are many many upscale helicopter schools and private language academies. They're all over the place, too By the way, it's always been a pattern of mine when I run into a Latino that speaks pretty good English I always say where'd you learn your English and man, it's surprising I've never once had a person say they learned it at a private English Academy. Those places just seem to be for show

[02:20] Glorified coffee clutch and hangouts for upscale mostly Latinas and bored wealthy housewives and their entitled kids Hey, I'm not saying you can't learn your English at one of those academies But I've never met a Latino or a Latina who has so then what about sitting at home on your sofa in your underwear? Eating Cheetos and teaching Chinese kids for 20 something bucks an hour now because I get so much email on this I have to tell you about some new changes going on that mr Be our resident expert in teaching English to Chinese kids online Just set me wise to and to that effect mr. B has put together a very up-to-date PDF document Explaining the whole English teaching online thing how to apply how to get started the works in it He answers all the questions people usually ask me and I'm not the expert

[03:07] So I'd like to once and for all set you straight on exactly what it's all about and what you have to do And in the end, we'll talk about some English teacher recruitment ads I just came across I'm talking about upscale helicopter schools that are looking for gringos and gringas and Those private English teaching academies now if you get one of those jobs You'll soon find out you'll be teaching mostly entitled rich kids and their parents And if you wonder how I can make a blanket statement like that, I know some of you are thinking Johnny You're such an ass. You're so cruel Well, they're upscale gringo want to be parents are the only ones that can afford those schools And if you think it's not like father like son like daughter like mother, you'd be wrong I've seen it in action a thousand times if you're a Latino or Latina and your parents are extreme gringo

[03:54] wannabes whose big motivation in life is to shop in my jammy and go to Disney World and post all that crap on fake Book. Well, how do you think their kids are gonna turn out when speaking of wealthy gringo? Wanna bees in their Facebook posts the ones that really make me laugh and used to drive me nuts I did get over it are the ones showing that Latino family somewhere up in the States standing or playing in the snow I tell you there is this Latino obsession to take photos in the snow and paste them all over fake book It's that old one upmanship game. You know what I'm talking about I get around more than you and I'm more gringo wise than you are how could it be? Otherwise, they've got the same things on their wish list. Number one to visit and go shopping in my jammy Number two to visit Disney World three to take photos in the snow and post them on fake book to make their friends and relatives at home

[04:44] Envious though I suppose it's the same thing for gringos who've never traveled and when you do and first land in a tropical port You take a bunch of pictures But if you have a half a brain and decent self-esteem after you've posted a few it's over but it seems with most Latinos It's never over the ones with dough that get to the states are forever posting pictures on social media Milk in the hell out of it just to show off and make their friends and family back home envious Doesn't that sound familiar? I mean really what else is social media about posting great destinations parties restaurants and activities Showing your friends family and acquaintances. What a great life you're having think about it with posting all that stuff They're implying that they're great and happy life is better than yours So anyway, that's just one of my pet peeves, especially when Latinos post photos of themselves playing in the snow

[05:35] All right. All right, one or two pictures in the snow. Well, that's all right, I guess but when they start showing up everywhere Fakebook, Instagram, Pinterest, tinder, screensavers, photos on dating apps Please spare me. I don't want to see any more of your playing in the snow photos. Thank you very much Am I being too petty here too harsh? Well, we all have our pet peeves Oh, and I've had a few conversations with upscale Latins who sent me those playing in the snow photos And I almost always take that opportunity to pop their bubble. I say, you know what? I'm from Chicago if you took a random poll of a hundred people on the street and ask them how much they liked cold And snow 90% would say are you nuts? It really sucks and the other 10% would say they like it

[06:22] They're lying or only like it when it happens on Christmas Eve You know to set the mood and all that The truth is if you live in the snow belt a nice fresh snowstorm is all right for about 10 minutes But the next day or even in a few hours after the cars have made a total sloppy dirty mess out of it That's when it wears on you. You got to shovel it You track it into your house and car and when it melts it gets slushy you get soakers then often overnight It gets cold and refreezes. Everything's slick as hell. You got to chip it off your windshield. There's more car accidents Hey, I don't have to explain any of this to you guys up in Jersey or Cleveland But trying to explain that to a Latino forget about it. And as far as Christmas Eve Well, a nice little dusting of snow is cool, but we're talking about maybe 10 or 12 hours out of the whole year

[07:09] You know, I don't get it. Why Latinos think posting a photo Frolicking in the snow is the be all to end all even crazier with upscale Latinos It's a talking point at parties. In fact, I've actually seen what seems like family snow photo Competitions imagine people getting together at a party sharing and comparing snow photos on their cell phones But I know how to rain on that party You should see the looks I get when they're doing the snow photo thing when I tell them I hate snow If you want to see some crazy looks and twisted smiles try that sometime Oh and I forgot to tell you I've been in many upscale Latino homes where they've got framed photos of themselves playing in the Snow in strategic locations around the house. Come on. Did you ever know anyone up in the states by you? Who's ever done that?

[07:57] Maybe a few shots in a scrapbook where the kids are playing in the snow tobogganing skating Whatever but never a nicely framed snow shot grouping for bragging rights though I have to admit a lot of gringos and expats up in the states have beach and vacation shots stuck all over their refrigerators But at least there's nothing permanent about that. I know I know a lot of you're thinking right now Johnny What are you ranting on such a stupid topic for well? It's because there comes a time You know when you've just had it with Latinos telling you the same old thing that their greatest wish in life Aside from winning the lottery is to shop in my jammy go to Disney World and post a million shots on social media Playing in the snow Yeah, I know. I know I must have said it a hundred times for upscale and wealthy Latinos

[08:42] It's all about the show and bragging through social media how great their lives are But really it's not all that much different compared to what's going down with social media up in the states Is it except for the fact that up in the states people are deathly afraid of hurting some snowflake or snowflake groups? Feelings on social media boo-hoo all right back to mr. B's brand-new nicely documented PDF explaining exactly what you have to do To get in on the teaching Chinese kids English on the internet all right I'll go through these points quickly number one you must prove you are from an English speaking country Number two some companies have an age limit in some cases if you're above 60 you don't qualify But it's very flexible and depends on your interview. Yes, you will have an interview online

[09:29] So don't think the age restrictions are solidly enforced. They're not number three You have to have a decent desktop or laptop PC they frown on phone and tablets for this kind of work Some companies make you sign contracts others don't and the ones that do Offer them for six in twelve months though the contracts are not really binding you or the company can terminate with notice number four You have to do your teaching in a spot. That's very quiet. No noise. No air conditioner noise No barking dogs or chicken buses though mr. B says sometimes he'll hear some dogs barking or there'll be some noise in the background and Nothing happened so with him there's been noise, but no complaints number five. You'll be working on the Beijing time So if you're in Central America like mr. B is it's a 14-hour difference in other words 6 p.m.

[10:19] And Beijing is a 4 a.m.. In Guatemala or Panama Costa Rica Belize anywhere in Central America number six You'll have to have at least 10 megabytes per second download internet speed Easy enough to do most internet providers offer double that and more by the way He says some companies will actually require you to do a speed test that they can see number seven. I think it's number seven Remember you'll be teaching kids. Are you comfortable teaching kids between the ages of four and 16 that means mr. B Says you must have patience Well, I guess that counts me out. I don't have patience for kids never did and I've never denied it Hey, I'm not the only one remember WC fields. He used to say he liked kids with ketchup Oh, and then mr. B says if you have a phone or a tablet you really can't teach kids

[11:08] But you can teach adults but teaching adults is not a stable enough income. He says number eight Most companies pay monthly on the 15th Sometimes though you get paid on the 10th and once he said he got paid on the 24th. That's nine days late Hey, he's telling it like it is number nine some companies require you to work at least four to twelve Contracted hours a week. This is just the minimum. You can always request more and they'll give them to you now Here's the thing a lot of people get stuck on mr. B says you must have a tesol or Tefel with an ico es Number that says certain kind of English teaching certificate, but the good news is mr. B says he knows a great place You can get it very cheap and fast now. You have to remember mr. B himself is a high school graduate

[11:58] It's got a GED so you don't have to have a college degree It's something people are always asking me and the answer is always the same No, though a lot of people investigating these things on the net insist you need to have a college degree That's not true. You've got it from the horse's mouth here. Mr. B is the expert number 10 in the area You're doing your teaching you need to have a childish or child like background Attraction in other words happy colorful smiley things in the background now, of course, that doesn't mean kids like that stuff But adults seem to think kids do so it's kind of required Mr. B says you can set this up on some kind of background board after the interview But it looks better if you have it done before the interview says in his case he taped two poster boards together

[12:46] Tape them to the wall and then printed out a map and some cartoon characters He says he knows the companies he works with like the idea that he put a map up there good idea Mr. B Like I said, it might not mean anything to the kids But as long as parents in the company you work for think it does, you know how life is It's mostly about appearances. Remember that old cliche half of being a success is just showing up on time Hmm that seems to be true All right Then Mr. B says all of the points that were previously mentioned have to be addressed before you fill out your application Next number 12, you have to have a good Logitech or Microsoft headset preferably the USB plug-in type The headset must be purchased before your interview. That's what you're gonna use You'll need it for you interview and for them to see that you have a decent headset

[13:34] It doesn't have to be the best but don't go too cheap either if they can't hear you because you purchased a really cheap job This will affect the outcome of your interview. Try to be a detailed gringo type I paid 65 bucks for mine He says and I only could find it at office depot a few years back when I first started this and had to buy it In Guatemala, but now they're all over the place online and much cheaper at Amazon Then mr. B says if you don't think this kind of teaching is for you teaching Chinese kids online He says he knows of some other online work options for you. Mr. B will answer your questions, too On this PDF he gave me he's got a list of services It says here I'll answer all of your questions for 30 bucks and we can talk online till we get it sorted out He says if you work with him

[14:20] This will include an accredited easy and cheap way to get your Tesla TFL Certificate with all the proper links to the recommended companies, too He said the Skype or online consult will be around 20 minutes and he'll give you all the pointers Necessary for your interview and as mentioned he says he has some other online work options of teaching English It's not for you. All right, so right up front. I have to mention that $30 consult with mr. B It's his thing 100% I don't make a dime off it. So then why am I doing this and for me you guys right now? Well, there's two reasons for one. I'm not the expert, but I get lots of inquiries number two I know and like mr. B. He's an honest guy upbeat Happy really a great guy who came down here to Latin America and had to find his niche and he found it So there's no BS or no fluff to what he's got to say

[15:08] So if you're interested and I know a lot of you are Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com and I'll shoot you this PDF That's got all this contact information on it, too And you know besides the fact that get a steady trickle of inquiries about teaching English There's something else you really have to know if you're looking to get a job teaching at one of these private English academies There's a lot of them like for example one called harmony once called Oxford Then there's European Academy. That's Academy at europe. Oh, there are many of them private academies where they'll contract Ringos and expats even locals who speak pretty good English to teach hourly Well, I'm here to tell you right now if you hire on with one of those outfits, you won't like it You'll get pissed off in a hurry

[15:54] I know people have done it they get used and abused if someone doesn't show up for the lesson You don't get paid and worse. In fact, let me read you this classified ad from a well-known English language news website coming out of Ecuador They're looking to hire 100% gringo and gringo English teachers I'll go ahead and read part of it to you now The fact is if you didn't know anyone who's ever worked at a place like this, you'd probably think it wasn't a bad deal Here's what it said. There's an English Academy in Ecuador called CEDI They're seeking teachers for the April 2020 cycle They say here we have three locations in Cuenca offering English classes to more than a thousand students with a staff of at least 50 teachers We currently have a high need for English-speaking teachers for our Saturday classes, which are three to four hours long

[16:41] We have children's classes teen and adult classes, too It says applicants should be able to commit to teaching a minimum of one ten-week cycle starting dates Saturday April 18 2020 and here's what they require from you It says teachers are expected to participate in an approximately three-day unpaid Orientation to be done before the cycle starts with minimum requirements an associate degree or bachelor's degree Number two some teaching experience number three must be a native English speaker or have fluent English Then it says we strongly prefer you have a TEFL CEL TA or TESOL certificate Then it says to get that certificate. There's a minimum of 100 hours in the program including classes hmm. That means you'll be paying for that yourself and put in that time

[17:30] It says interested candidates. Please submit your resume to the contact listed at this posting Then it says the pay is get this $7 an hour Does that sound good to you? Would you bite now if I happen to have read you this classified ad Before you ever knew about mr. B and the fact that he makes more than 20 bucks an hour from home Well, if you needed a job, you just might go for that English teaching Academy job Then there's that little matter of the hundred plus hours and those teaching certificates. You'll have to get hmm Now if you remember mr. B said he knows of a very fast cheap and easy way to get those certificates So then what's it gonna be making 20 plus bucks an hour from your home or work for one of those English

[18:16] Academies like this place in Ecuador C E D E I where you have to show up at their offices to teach the kids And you only get seven bucks an hour what they're not telling you is if the kid or kids don't show up You don't get paid whereas mr. B is often said when you're teaching Chinese kids on the line You can pick up extra hours really quickly by checking a daily list of opportunities to fill in for people who are sick or have a last-minute Problem or schedule change and just can't do it So then what's it gonna be seven bucks an hour or 20 plus dollars an hour a no-brainer, right? And do remember I know some people who work at these academies and every one of them complains about it Whereas mr. B is a happy camper. He likes his job. Why well, I think it's because if you do it mr. B's way You're not really working for the man. You're sort of your own boss setting your own hours. All right enough said about that

[19:06] Oh and feel free to send me an email the expat files that you mail that come if you want me to send you A copy of this Ecuador English Academy classified ad then you can see for yourself What it takes to make seven bucks an hour Question is would you really work for seven bucks an hour? A lot of gringos and expats do especially backpacker types who don't have a real definitive plan They travel around find places they like and they stay sometimes weeks months even years And you know most of them are backpackers for a reason They don't have a lot of dough so to stay for a longer while in a country They really like they have to pick up little jobs here and there and that's why you see so many of them Bartending waiting on tables and working the front desk at mom-and-pop hotels But mostly on the gringo tourist trail when you're way off the gringo tourist trail like I am probably

[19:51] 98% of the time you almost never see gringos and expats work in those kind of jobs But they do work teaching English in helicopter schools and in English academies Oh, and you heard me mention that if you get a job teaching at a helicopter school You'll get a regular semester or yearly contract and you also heard me say that one of my friends has been teachers One of the top Guatemalan helicopter schools for many years now, so he's at the very top of the pay scale naturally So then what's he making? 14 grand a year he told me at his school starting pay for an English teaching gringo. We're talking full-time teacher now It's around 8 grand a year and that's your salary for the first couple of years question is what's that work out to an hour? Well, you know for teachers. It's not just about classroom time

[20:37] It's also how much time you spend at home prepping for your classes Rating papers and all that unpaid extra time you spend when kids have events and field trips, etc However, it's easy to calculate an hourly rate If you just want to find out how much a teacher is getting paid by the hour just for the time spent at school All right Let's do the numbers based on what my teacher friend tells me he shows up at eight leaves around four or five He spends around 40 hours a week at school And you know all schools have something like a three-month vacation period spread out all over the calendar figure 12 weeks So multiply 40 hours a week times 40 weeks you get 1600 hours divide that into the $8,000 a year starting salary that'll remain the same for a couple of years and it turns out just counting the time at school a

[21:24] Teacher makes around five bucks an hour. You got that five bucks an hour teaching at a high-end private helicopter school So that's what you're in for if you decide to take one of those jobs. Hey, nothing wrong with that Some people like teaching kids. I hear that from teachers down here, but I certainly don't hear it from people up in the States anymore That's a whole different universe of metal detectors and political correctness safe spaces Snowflakes ritalin psychotropic drugs and plenty of four-letter words emanating from the kids in class and in the halls as well I'm sure as the teachers lounge. All right, let's take a few emails Here's one from good old captain mango here He's referring to a show I did a week or so ago talking about rebar sticking through the roofs of so many occupied buildings Yep, a really ugly site

[22:10] That's kind of the textbook definition for third world because you don't see it up in the first world. It's just not permitted Anyway, he says Johnny the late Anthony Bourdain the famous chef who offed himself possibly Clinton body count member once referred on his show to roof rebar as Quote the ubiquitous symbol of third world optimism. I like that he had away with words Well, thanks for that captain mango. By the way What is the unofficial Clinton body count up to now last I heard it was 60 something seems to me Whoever wrote that book should be updating it every six months or so Don't you think and now an email from longtime listener Edison? He says dear Johnny I like it a lot when you talk about mating and dating in Latin America There are lots of mating and dating sites and blogs

[22:57] Referring to gringos hooking up with latinas and latinos mating and dating gringas But for my money, no one tells it like it is nor the way you particularly phrase it like you just for reference Johnny I'm an older guy on the wrong side of 40 you could say who gets obsessed obsessively devoting an ungodly amount of time to whatever I'm interested in or Searching for on the net at the moment and at the moment, it's dating little background here, Johnny I'm what you might call one of those anal techie gringos formerly known as pencil necked geeks That was what they called us in the 80s and 90s I was called that name many times early in the game What I'm saying Johnny is that when us pencil necked geeks get obsessed we get anal about it So here's my two cents in my research about dating in the 2020s

[23:46] Coming from a 40 something two-time divorce you with the plan B So I'm back in the dating game again This time homing in on latinas has the objects of my affections south of the border Actually south of south of the border as you recommend about a year and a half ago after my second divorce I looked at myself in the mirror and said man You got to get in shape if you ever plan on getting back in the game funny enough Johnny whilst at the gym I noticed some guys actually use corsets talk about a humiliating experience Can you imagine going on a date with a girl talk about a passion killer with the final reveal being a corset? No, gracias, so I did it Johnny I got into shape and I don't even have to photoshop myself when going on the dating sites So it is kind of disturbing now that everyone does it used to be the dating sites after my first divorce

[24:37] Were the real thing because it wasn't sophisticated and you could see what people look like nowadays You could have an ongoing chat with someone for weeks and weeks and that first date will still be scary like a cold call You never know it could be sitting down with a completely different person to me looking back Johnny The 80s and early 90s were grand sure you had AIDS, but it was still a man-on-man disease There was no social media. No cell phones at least not like we have them today. No screens. Anyway Prozac and Ritalin weren't handed out like candy drinking and driving wasn't necessarily a crime But practically a way of life and the single ladies went out drinking specifically to lose their inhibitions While not being held accountable if someone were to shame them afterwards and back then if you wanted to meet people

[25:24] You actually had to leave your house. Yep. I miss those times They were fun and no one was in your business with social media. No cell phone madness You know what? I mean speaking of the benefits of male success Something that was important to know for geeks like me I finally had the realization of what women want in their men Simple power money or both and no matter how on PC this may sound some perhaps the majority are willing to sell Access Weinstein's the perfect example But predictably women who make trades for their bodies often have sellers remorse though I'm sure guys in the single scene sometimes feel that way too and another thing It's amazing what money and fame can do to improve a guy's looks think of Quentin Tarantino Danny DeVito or some of the comedians like carrot top come to think of it most all comedians

[26:15] If you analyze it who knows maybe that's why they got into comedy I bet for those guys It's always lights out and fantasy time for her when he finally gets her in the bedroom and Weinstein Wow those women that didn't put up a fight They must have been pretty drunk or beyond desperate or clinically blind then you read about some of those ladies Testimonies saying he was not only unattractive and gross but sorely lacking in personal hygiene Wow as they used to say back in the 80s and 90s gagged me with a spoon So in talking about the fairer sex Johnny, I don't even know if you could say that anymore Can you don't get the wrong idea simply because I mentioned anal Couple of times in this email the word has multiple meanings, you know, and thus makes for a much more interesting dialogue

[27:01] In other words, I just tossed it in a couple times hoping it would stand out in your pile of correspondence signed Addison Alright, thanks for that Addison. By the way, the a word the anal word got my attention All right, by the way, how do you go through life with a name like Addison without getting bullied? I suppose it's like having the name Thurston howl the third Just imagine if they ever did a Gilligan's Island prequel I kind of think that young Thurston howl the third would get his ass whooped with monotonous regularity You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B, we can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat insider seminar in Central America

[27:50] Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com Nos vamos