#981 – The Expat Files: Tourism, Culture, and Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Now you may have heard tourism is dead. It's a worldwide phenomenon Airbnb is a bit the dust cruise ships are dead in the water Meanwhile hotels and all-inclusive resorts are struggling to survive in no way Can they make money or even break even at 50% occupancy?

[00:47] So some if not most have closed up never to recover However, if you've got the disposable cash and you go on any of the big travel agency sites You'll find some of the biggest franchise hotels and resorts are offering spectacular deals right now. They have to it's their last-ditch effort to keep the doors open so in the interest of getting deep down into the problems of the tourist industry and To have a great boots on the ground story for the show Last week I did an internet search for deals on all inclusive resorts And I noticed some of the major outfits were having deals on up to 50% off the regular price Now over the years, I've been to lots and lots of all-inclusive hotels and resorts Ranging in price went on sale or when they're running a deal before

[01:33] Covid to around a hundred bucks a couple for the decameron chain of resorts That's a hundred a night and you longtime listeners heard me talk about the Cameron resort many times It's a very big resort chain in Latin America that started in Colombia And I think by now they've got over a hundred different locations throughout Latin America and a couple in Europe even And being that it's an exclusively Latin American chain Everything's in Spanish and yes He almost zero gringos and expats there because they don't know about it and since everything's in Spanish meaning most all the waitresses waiters helpers Staff don't speak English. It's just not marketed to gringos though. Even before this cove idiot crisis Yep, there are lots of cove idiots out there. They're everywhere aren't they? Well, I'm not I'm no lemming

[02:19] We can get into that later Anyway, when they run deals, you're talking about two people all-inclusive including drinks and everything else for a hundred bucks a couple Hell you can't even get a dumpy budget tell up in the States for that. So I've checked a lot of those places out I've also checked out some of the medium and high-end places too and last week I decided to do some checking knowing that Prices are dropping like a stone and I booked a couple of days at a very high priced outfit You know the name hard rock. Yep. Just this last week I spent four days at an all-inclusive hard rock resort for half the normal price I thought hey, I got to check this out and see how they're handling this cold idiot crisis Why not now I've been to the all-inclusive hard rock towers in Panama City many times and that place is spectacular I give it four and a half out of five stars and almost nothing no matter what you pay in my book gets five stars

[03:09] So I thought hey I'll go to a hard rock resort for just a few bucks more than what it would have cost me to go to one of Those two and a half star d-cameron resorts and being that I stayed in quite a few hard rock hotels Especially the one in Panama my expectations were very high and man was I disappointed in fact I'll never go back there again But first on a positive note you longtime listeners have heard me whine and complain about the state of Latin Rock and especially Ragga ton with those mind-numbing retarded rhythms you hear everywhere throughout Latin America those throbbing beats and awful Macho sexist videos with those second grade lyrics that don't even rhyme booming out of houses buses taxis cars and every cafe and mall You just can't avoid it and you know to us expats and gringos is one of the few truly negative things about Latin America

[03:57] You just can't change you really do have to learn how to turn it off or it'll drive you nuts Well, the good news is I finally found a place in Latin America where you're not bombarded with that Well, don't you know at the high rock resort and hotel chains Why because the theme is American and British rock and roll if you've ever been to one of those places as soon as you walk Through the door you're bombarded with classic rock and roll It's everywhere and as you walk through the lobbies restaurants pool areas and on the beach Nothing, but good old American and British rock and roll So for all you gringos and expats out there who just can't stomach the ragaton or aren't able to somehow turn it off in your head Those high rock hotels and resorts are a real oasis of good and excellent music and not the mind-numbing beats and vocalizations

[04:43] You hear everywhere else vomited from gold-tooth prison tat morons And I mean that in the most forgiving Christian way Of course you got that cat and mango bring him up because if there's one gringo expat I know who really loves his rock and roll served up in the proper manner and who's all for Eliminating ragaton from the face of the earth that would be cats and mango. Hey, I'm with him a hundred percent But I'm just not that vocal about it except for right now All right So first off when I pull into the place all the porters and greeters are masked up with a little girl squirt net Mucus gel on the hands of everyone who enters except me I wouldn't have it oh and then to the right there was a big table full of gloves and masks hand wipes and all the Covid it paraphernalia. We've been told are necessary for all the good little sheep

[05:30] Then from there you walk into the big lobby to check in the counter is blocked off with a giant piece of plexiglass and Every worker behind the counter is wearing a mask making it almost impossible to communicate cuz you just can't hear the people It's too muffled. So about every fifth word is what excuse me The scoop of a and you end up repeating yourself about six times But all the people check in and checking out loitering around aren't wearing masks Even though there are signs everywhere leading out of the place that say a mask is required beyond this point yet When you walk beyond those points very few people are wearing masks except the hotel staff And there's always a few really anal people who are afraid of everything who are wearing masks face shields and gloves You know what I think if you're really that scared You should wear a mask over your mask to protect you from the bacteria and viruses that are growing in the humidity of your first

[06:21] Mask, of course that would justify wearing a mask over your mask over your mask Well, you get the idea. Oh and this made me laugh You go out to any one of the dozen pools and you've got maybe three-quarters of people having a good old time Just splashing around but you'd also see six or seven people young adults in the pool with their trunks and bikinis on Sporting masks and face shields in the pool Just a crazy thing to see everyone else in the pool splashing around just like before covid Then you've got a group of paranoid disease freaks in masks and face shields huddled together in their little section of the pool Feeling totally protected safe and vindicated whilst waiting and splashing in water that countless kids have peed in Man ain't humans weird. Oh and as an extra added attraction at the hard rock pool. You could rent a hookah

[07:11] Yeah, you know I'm talking about those gigantic vaping machines So you had groups of people in the pool sucking on a hookah Passing the mouthpiece around to seven or eight other people even people they just met and don't even know and then when they get out Of the pool to go to their rooms or have dinner. They put their masks on Now doesn't that make sense? Aren't humans weird? Oh, and I forgot to mention of the thousand people or so that were staying at that resort I only ran into one gringo and he approached me. So why only two gringos in a thousand at that place? It's because gringo tourism is virtually dead meaning all the other people were locals So then had this lone gringo get in from the states with all those airport restrictions though I have to admit they're slowly being lifted

[07:57] Well, he told me when he and his wife came through by the way He was there on his honeymoon and when I first met him, he'd only been married for 18 hours His wife a pure Latina. I'll tell you the rest of that story later Anyway, this guy really stood out He was as white as what could be except he was very burned in certain areas of his body He was a redhead of Irish extraction So, you know how they doing the Sun he and his wife had only been there less than a day And he was already burned to a crisp and of course we fell into the usual gringos on vacation small talk He told me he was from Arkansas and he met his wife in my jammy And he said when he flew in at the airport They actually pricked his and his wife's finger to take some blood for a covid test They did a saliva swab, too Then they had to wait around 45 minutes for the results longest 45 minutes of his life

[08:46] He said then again with this cove idiot stuff things are changing day by day and anything's possible Then he said as they were mulling around He saw a very fat Latino and his young very surgically enhanced better half Actually, she was more like a quarter and he was three quarters Anyway, this guy said when they passed through the line at the airport When the lady tried to prick the big guy's finger He gave her a hundred bucks and she escorted him right out of the place So palm greasing is alive and well that Latin American airports in the age of covid. Hey, it is the third world You know, so anyway this young American guy, I guess he must spend around 26 or 28 years old He naturally told me his story That's what gringos do in foreign countries when they meet and even though they don't know each other They always seem to reveal a lot of personal info, especially if you're at a bar having drinks with them

[09:36] They'll tell you things because they might not even tell their friends. It's a very interesting phenomena I must have heard a thousand gringo secrets from people I've only known for 10 minutes or so if you're down here long enough, it'll happen to you, too Funny thing is, you know once they give up something really personal to you You feel obliged to reciprocate and give them a juicy piece of your own story. That's what they expect I find that's a good time to get creative Oh and another thing with all the airport restrictions and on and off lack downs in the States Europe even Latin America The effect it's had on this particular hard rock resort is that virtually all the guests are wealthy Latino gringo wannabes Practically every one of them having been back and forth to my jammy because they have money practically every one of them showing off

[10:21] Their high-end bling their Rolexes and gold jewelry real gold jewelry and stuff their real designer outfits handbags, etc Not to mention at the pool the vast majority of ladies were exhibiting their most recent surgeries if you know what I mean, man I'm telling you I was in the world of high-rolling gringo wannabes And boy did they want to chum up to me being that I was the only real gringo in the place besides this other guy In other words, I was smack dab in the middle of a rock and roll world jam-packed with plastic fantastic operated on women Every one of them it seemed accompanied by her overweight out of shape guy You could tell a lot of these ladies had so many surgeries and good ones too that they surely paid for their plastic surgeons Porsche Yet every single one of their guys had a basketball pot belly or worse. I'll tell you it was a real study in gringo wannabe ism

[11:11] I think of a sociology student spent a week at that place They'd have more than enough material for a master's thesis on gringo wannabe ism. Hmm gringo wannabe ism I have to remember that well just file that alongside the other 10,000 isms in the neurotics handbook Now other than the fact that all these Latino gringo wannabes wanted to buddy up with me You know telling me about their condos in my jambia and what schools in the states They're sending their entitled kids to man. Does that get old fast now for me One of the best things about those all-inclusive packages are the great gigantic buffets 24-7 Doesn't matter if you're on the paleo or keto diet and all you eat is meat or you're a pure vegan or vegetarian You never get bored because there's hundreds of items to choose from But for this case, I've given the hard rock a d-minus for food

[12:00] Why because the hard rock cove idiots in management decided to completely eliminate the buffet You now have to order from the menu and guess what when you walk into one of the restaurants They won't even give you a menu. It might be contaminated with the dreaded kovit Instead you scan a barcode with your smartphone. How do you like reading a menu on the 4-inch screen of your smartphone? Let me tell you it was more than disappointing. Oh, and how about this when you walk into your room and boy They are beautiful rooms. They're Fantastically appointed with giant jacuzzi double sinks double shower Well get this when you walk over to the mini bar and open it up There's nothing in there. Nothing not even a bottle of water and there's no fruit and snack tray in the room either

[12:45] This is the first time I've ever been to resort where they've got nothing in the mini bar It's usually overstocked and they've got all kinds of fruit munchies on the countertop, too Nope, not anymore. What a disappointment the cupboards were bare So how do you get even steal the bathrobes in the towels, right? No, that's a thought so it turns out if you wanted anything even water you had to dial room service and room service was always busy because everyone was dialing at the same time and When you finally got through it took an hour and a half for them to get it to your room and other revolting experience Talk about cove idiots being that the theme of the hard rock cafe is music and instruments and guitars and drums The whole rock and roll thing you'd notice as you were checking in or checking out at the lobby They didn't have your standard white or blue mark on the floor saying stand here and maintain your distance

[13:33] They had in fact a guitar sticker on the ground. They were everywhere with the neck of the guitar Measured out and labeled as one meter 39 inches just slightly more than three feet It was a cutesy way of grabbing your attention so that you stayed one meter apart However in some lobbies and entrances to restaurants that have not one But two of those guitar stickers on the floor and to end Telling you to stay two meters away from the next guy. Tell me what's wrong with that picture Why one meter social distancing in one place and two meters and others? Meanwhile when you get into the people mover shuttles that take you everywhere throughout the place to the beach to the pools to the restaurants There was absolutely no social distancing at all You were just jam-packed ear hole to a hole with the next guy

[14:22] Then when everyone jumped off the driver would spray down the seats with disinfectant. I'm sure that helped. What a knucklehead move Meanwhile, I kept running into my new beet red gringle friend who always seemed to look like he was in pain Who by the way was in really good shape because he was ex-military and those guys always seemed to be in good shape At least when they're in their 20s Anyway, he said Johnny guys like that And he pointed to a really out of shape fat guy an extremely curvy and beautiful wife He said have a look at that Johnny You know guys like that take a lot of heat especially from women up in the states who say how disgusting Henry She's only with him for his money Obviously then my new gringle friend said you know what they're right She's with him for the money and he's with her because she's young beautiful and looks like a sports illustrated model. What's wrong with that?

[15:10] It's a fair trade. I had to laugh because his new wife of about a day Was standing right there and she didn't speak a word of English. She was also a lady who was muy oparada That's Spanish for having had lots of plastic surgeries. Of course, you'll never hear Latino men say that it's always Latinas The Latino women who are on the plain side or don't have the money to get plastic surgery. They'll say yep She's beautiful. All right, but she's muy oparada Implying with a little jealousy and resentment that without the surgery. She'd be unremarkable like the rest of us I've heard latinas say that it truly is a backhanded compliment when for your information. Here's how it usually goes I've been told this by many a young Latina. They say first you get the boob job Secondly, you get the lipo makes your waist very thin

[15:58] Thirdly you get the butt done and after that the icing on the cake a nose job though I've noticed that most latinas that say to me they want to get a nose job have very nice noses But what do I know I got a pretty good hunker myself Oh and another thing I've been told by latinas at many times after a couple of years They go back for another liposuction because you know There's this universal belief at least here in Latin America once they've had lipo and your waist is very thin your fat cells have been Removed and you're just not gonna punch out again So latinas who are normally yo-yo dieters figured they can pound down McDonald's tacos chicharrones and mayonnaise Yeah, latinos and latinas love mayonnaise and still keep that hourglass figure So why bring this up because I do get a steady stream of emails from gringas up in the states who have plastic surgery

[16:47] Specifically lipo on their wish list. Oh and just one more comment on the subject when you're down here in Latin America And you see amazing latinas with gravity-deplying bodies You should never assume that she's rich or her boyfriend or husband is rich, especially if the girls from Columbia Argentina Venezuela Panama or the Dominican Republic because those are the countries in Latin America that the girls really value a perfect body Which in many cases can only be achieved through plastic surgery And that's why plastic surgeons in all of those countries have a very very flexible payment plan Same thing with orthodontics. It's been a big fad for a couple of years now for ladies of all classes Not men so much but ladies to get braces even if they don't need them But it's la moda the fashion now up in the stage you could pay five grand to get braces, right?

[17:37] And though down here it might only be five hundred to a thousand bucks Dennis and orthodontists have very very flexible payment plans stretching out over years same thing with plastic surgery So you should never think a Kirby Latina with braces is upper class The truth is she might just be working behind the counter at Payless for three to five hundred bucks a month It's all about competition between the ladies and it's fierce In other words, it's an ongoing beauty pageant No matter what socioeconomic level a girl happens to be in seems like every young lady wants to get oparada I'm not kidding. There's absolutely no stigma against it. Hey, I'm just telling it like it is meanwhile Keep those cards and letters coming. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. No cards and letters anymore, huh? That's a lost art Isn't it funny though when you talk to grandmas and great grandmas, they still send out Christmas cards

[18:26] I know my ma does and then of course you feel obliged to send one back. Don't you? When how about when the wealthy and upper-middle-class people send out their Christmas card They get a professional photographer at the lake house with the kids and the two thousand dollar pug in front of the warm hearth of the fireplace One big happy dysfunctional family, right? Hey, I've got a sister who does that but that's old-fashioned now We got fake book Twitter insta crap tick-tock and other social media platforms to one-up people and brag on right, but where was he? Oh, yeah, the story about the lone gringo at the hard rock hotel resort Now, like I said when you're in a foreign country and you run into a gringo, especially off the tourist trail They spot you out try to bond they buy you a drink and suddenly it's like old home week with someone you never met before I got to say though

[19:12] You won't be feeling that urge if you speak Spanish because the whole root the seed the germ of why gringos will want to Bond here is because they feel kind of like a fish out of water because they're dying to speak English to someone Hey, I've been there the first couple of years I came down to Latin America and my Spanish was absolutely Well minus one and you know back then there was no Skype or internet or anything and the phone calls back to the states We're a buck a minute. That means you were starving for someone anyone to speak good old first-world American English to you But again, if your Spanish is pretty good, you'll have plenty of people to talk to even off the gringo tourist trail You won't have those strong cravings to speak to someone in English Do I have to admit and this sounds racist and classist no matter how good your Spanish is or how? Educated a latino speaking to you a traveling gringo expat like you and me one who's been to a lot of places and seen a lot

[20:00] Of parts of the world will have a huge store and breadth of knowledge that no latino can match Unless of course his parents had dough and sent him to a university up in the States I've met a few of those and they can hold their own but still and believe me I'm not saying I'm the sharpest knife in the drawer. I know I'm above average. Okay, I'll concede that But I also know I've met dozens maybe hundreds of gringos and expats were smarter than I am But in all my 30 years down here I've only met a handful of Latinos who are versed on a vast variety of subjects like the average expat gringo It's not to say I haven't met really bright Latinos with higher IQs than I have but still being smart Having knowledge and having wisdom they're all related but different In other words, what I'm saying is the average above average gringo

[20:46] That doesn't sound right the average above average gringo. Oh Can generally talk circles around a smart Latino not because the gringo is smarter. He might not be it's just that He's got a wider range of interests and knowledge We're just more curious about life in general the proof that is I've met a lot of smart Latino engineers We're really good in engineering But they don't know how to do deep searches on the net or even change a flat tire But if you show them they can learn I'm sure it's a cultural thing how they're brought up So call me racist call me classist say I'm a bad boy All I'm saying is if you've been down here as long as I have you notice certain things about the culture and people in general Hey, you know, that's why they call it the third world, right? So anyway, I'm talking to this 26 or 28 year old red is the beat gringo Who's only been married something like 18 hours and we got to talking probably spoke for an hour

[21:35] Sitting in the water in the pool bar. You've seen those things, right? You sit down There's a bar right in front of you and your ass is on a little stool below the water So we exchanged the usual suspect questions along with the universal gringo question What do you do for a living by the way when you first meet a Latino person? That's not a question He'll normally ask that's a gringo thing. What Latinos want to know is where you from then They'll tell you about their relatives in the States and their trip to Disneyland or their dream of visiting Disneyland But for us gringos, especially male gringos when we meet other people we say where do you work, man? And this guy told me he was in the Air Force. He'd done five or six tours in Afghanistan and the Middle East Now he's out and it's into boat rentals, but the business is dead Then I noticed he had a huge scar on his arm and I said wow what happened there

[22:23] He said shrapnel in Afghanistan and then he pulled his leg out of the water Showed me another huge scar and a gouge out of his calf. I said wow doesn't bother you He said not too much at all But he said he got addicted to the painkillers the VA doctors gave him Like I said when gringos meet gringos strangers will tell you things I mean really what stranger can you meet for 15 minutes who's gonna tell you he's addicted to painkillers Then he amazed me with the story of how he got injured He said a 10 year old kid walked over to their transport and blew himself up and killed six of his buddies He said it was the worst day of his life and he said to add insult to injury. It was a kid They all knew who sold the guys in the barracks soda and candy and baked goods and comic books

[23:09] They knew the kid for a long time and liked him and his parents strapped a bomb to him gave him the old ala akbar He told me he has a tough time dealing with it psychologically. He was a good kid. It had nothing to do with him It was his parents then he admitted the US has no business getting involved in any foreign wars It's a huge mistake to have troops on the ground in another country They'll always hate you in the end It's only politicians defense contractors big pharma and the bankers who make out whether it's declared war or not And let me tell you man when you hear something like that from a guy who's been through the wringer I keep thinking I'm so lucky to be living in Latin America. He said all his friends who saw action came back Psychologically screwed up there on drugs or they drink He said they've got short fuses and are abusive to their wives and families or just chronically depressed though as for him

[23:59] He said he won the lottery with this new Latina wife, but wouldn't you know it? He said she wants to live in my jammy and he wants to live in Latin America That's the irony of it all people from third world countries want to pile into the US Meanwhile, the US is the biggest arms producer warmonger and boogeyman of them all Like I said, even smart Latinos don't seem to get it. They still think the US is four things Vegas my jammy Disneyland in Hollywood. Meanwhile, if you've been keeping up with the news There's a thousand percent increase in just the last half year in the US persons renouncing their citizenship It's still not a lot of people just a few thousand a year But it's way up over the past years and it's on a log rhythmic trajectory Now, of course I don't recommend because then you're pretty much on everyone's shit list and the family back in Cleveland will think you're nuts

[24:50] Or even that you're a traitor. They'll bring up uncle Harry who died in World War two Cousin JJ who lost his leg in Vietnam And they'll think that you're abandoning this great country that these guys in your family suffered and fought for not to mention You got to pay a hell of a big exit tax now If you want to renounce and really for now anyway, unless you're a mega millionaire, it's just not worth it Financially or psychologically though by all means get that plan be going become an expat and get the hell out of dodge But don't give up your citizenship Just apply for residency in another country preferably a Latin American country and wait out the five years or so and get the nationality and passport By the way, you guys have heard of Joe Rogan right the Joe Rogan experience. He's the highest rated youtuber of all time He gets well over a million views every time he does a podcast which I think is like three times a week

[25:37] I listen to it. Sometimes I don't listen to the sports guys He's got on that's pretty boring, but he has a lot of scientists and brilliant thinkers on there I don't know if you know this or not But it ties in to the getting the hell out of dodge movement because Joe Rogan's been living in California for over 20 years now Doing his podcast there and he just announced he's moving to Texas because you see he just got the greatest podcast deal of all time He's getting a hundred million dollars from Spotify to move from YouTube to Spotify. I think that comes up September 1st Anyway, he's moving because the state of California has the highest personal income tax rate for wealthy earners in the nation And Texas has no state income tax now get this the tax rate in California is twelve point three percent for guys in his income bracket plus a one percent surcharge on

[26:25] Taxable income of a million bucks or more. So simply by him moving from California to Texas. He's gonna save 13.3 million dollars just by picking up and leaving by the way That's what a lot of gringos and expats who have a plan B and move to Latin America are doing Ones that live in California now are moving to a state like Texas or Florida for at least a year to establish Residency in tax-free states so that when they finally leave to Latin America They're not stuck paying California state taxes because you see if you're a resident of California if you don't live in another state for at least a year Before you head out to Latin America, that is established residency in another state You still much report and pay state taxes to California for the rest of your life Ain't that a kick in the teeth, especially when the feds will automatically exempt from federal taxes the first

[27:15] $107,600 of your foreign-earned income as long as you live outside the US for more than a year yet California will tax you the rest of your life seems like politicians bureaucrats the homeless and illegal aliens are the only ones who want To live in California they can have it You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at Gmail dot-com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat Insider seminar in Central America where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B Send me an email the expat files at Gmail dot-com nos vamos