#1320 – The Expat Files: Life in Latin America, Security, and Cultural Insights

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right, and we're live again. Well kind of live anyway You longtime and dedicated listeners probably figured out already that the last show was a repeat show meaning I couldn't get a current one out that does happen sometimes after all I'm down here in the third world

[00:47] sometimes I end up in the jungle or in some area way out in the bony's and the signal is spotty or my equipment fails whatever and Sometimes just sometimes I forget to pay my internet service fee The thing is I have an internet plan for my living quarters, but it's not in my name I never put much in my name at all. It's a kind of nice feeling actually sort of like being completely out of debt By the way, how many of you listeners are completely? I mean utterly out of debt. No car payment. No house payment No student loan debt. Hey, by the way, I meet gringo experts down here people in their 60s and even 70s Who are still paying off their student loans or in fact getting it deducted from their social security payouts?

[01:33] And here's some of them thought hey, I'll get one over on uncle Sam I'll move out of the country and quit paying my student loans. What are they gonna do to me? Well, guess what they take it out of your social security check How about it though? How many of you guys and gals are completely and utterly out of debt? Well for those of you who are and I'm sure there's some of you Ain't that a good feeling waking up in the morning and having nothing like that hanging over you no nut to crack But I digress as usual. Where were we? Oh, yeah talking about how I don't put my name too much of anything For example, I've got my internet and utilities in my cleaning lady's name And I suggest you do that too. If you treat them nice, they're glad to do it It's no big deal for them and it insulates you the gringo a lot. It's no skin off her back

[02:19] She doesn't care. She just signs up for it. You pay the bill And if for example, you don't pay that bill because you left the country or you died or something She doesn't get penalized at all. They just cut the service off Now you might be thinking something like that will ruin her credit, you know They have credit reports down here now in a kind of a rudimentary basic rough kind of way Well, guess what about 40% of Latin Americans like cleaning ladies and people who work off the books on the street they're not even listed in the credit bureaus at all because most of them don't have credit cards and In many cases don't even have bank accounts Yes, in some sense down here in Latin America It's as if a large segment of the population is living in the 1960s or 70 by the way Sometimes when I'm out in the boonies hauling my little laptop around I use a hotspot off of my cell phone

[03:08] You know when there's no local Wi-Fi. The thing is I don't have a cell phone contract plan either I have what you call a recarga smartphone pay-as-you-go I'll bet almost none of you guys up there in the US, Canada or Europe have a plan like that You're all in a contract, right? Now my internet plan which like I said is pay-as-you-go is completely anonymous That's exactly why I like it You know who gets all the text messages and the promotions and pop-up windows and crap people who have contract cell phone plans Because marketers know that people with cell phone plans are in a higher socioeconomic bracket Let's face it Toyota Costco and Starbucks. Do not want to waste their money advertising to maids cleaning ladies and gardeners So then how do you get a cell phone sim chip for a pay-as-you-go plan?

[03:57] Well, they sell them in little tien does supermarkets and hole-in-the-wall stores everywhere here in Latin America They cost about five bucks to shove in your phone and you recharge the thing every so often I usually recharge mine about every week. So how do you do that? Well, you go into any little kiosk that's got the sticker on the door that says they recharge telephones here in Spanish Ricargas a key give them my phone number and say una Ricarga por favor and hand them in my case three bucks Now you can charge your phone up with ten twenty thirty fifty a hundred bucks if you want Then just keep drawing on that till it's gone Twenty bucks usually last me almost two months So for me my smartphone Ricarga plan cost me around three bucks a week Now if you're worried that when you buy one of those sim chips

[04:44] They might ask you your name or want to see your passport or something Which may be the case if you go to an official kiosk that's run by the phone company like Claro though It's easy to avoid all that Just give your cleaning lady ten bucks tell her to go buy the chip for you and keep five for herself Problem solved and she'll be absolutely glad to do it By the way, if you want to know how I keep my phone safe from hackers and data scabs, etc I never check my email on my phone. I never do any banking on my smartphone either I don't even check my accounts. I never do any crypto stuff on my phone. I never activate my phone's GPS Unless I'm far far from home and I need to find some location and when I reach that destination I always switch it off. Now, of course, I do have what's up on that phone You absolutely have to have it or you can't find a plumber or a doctor or anybody it's there on my phone

[05:34] But I rarely use it though. I use the signal app almost all the time. So that's about it for my smartphone I probably use a thing less than 10 minutes total each day Unless of course, I'm organizing something or having a consult call on signal. Whatever now I know a lot of you guys and girls are thinking. Yeah, I know what's ups compromised It's wide open to hackers and big brother and not secure at all Which is true and why I hate using it But that signal app that Johnny talks about in so many geeks and nerds use that's just an NSA Construct so obviously big brothers looking at that too. That's the rumor, right? You may have heard that and you know, we could go back and forth in all kinds of arguments and discussions on it But I've got one thing to say that'll set your mind at ease go into your search engine put in has

[06:24] What's up ever been hacked? You'll see hundreds and hundreds of hacks and people saying oh, no, what do I do now? My what's up's been hacked. They've got my credit card numbers my bank statements my bachelor party dick pics everything Oh Lordy Lordy I'm ruined Okay. All right after you've done that search then put into your search engine has the signal app ever been hacked Well, you'll see a few accusations and claims that it's been hacked But then you'll see a number of legit articles saying it was a false alarm just rumors coming out of Eastern Europe By the way, some of my super smart nerdy friends say it's misinformation Actually spread by US alphabet agencies makes sense government agencies hate that people are using signal

[07:09] Because they can't crack it and monitor you in fact There is proof that US government alphabet agencies have started a disinformation campaign against signal You know spread the rumors It's been hacked try to scare people off from using it if you're a contrarian like me You gotta love anything that government alphabet agencies hate in actuality as many times as people have tried It's never been hacked Go ahead do a search if you don't believe me But who knows in the future if the government's going after a really big fish or they get AI involved all bets are off However, the really good news is that the signal app doesn't save anything. None of your texts voicemails. Nothing Whereas services like what's up save everything that means in the future if signal gets hacked

[07:56] They'll only be able to recover real-time data. Nothing that's ever been said or done in the past. That's what I like about the signal app It's like a chalkboard that's constantly being erased, you know, like an etch-a-sketch. Am I dating myself here? They still sell those things. I had one of those as a kid. Did you I Remember getting an ass whooping over it too. I was in the living room at my mom's house side disassembled it I used to take lots of things apart when I was a kid Clocks toasters radios my sisters chatty Kathy and I often couldn't get them back together again Anyway, I took apart my etch-a-sketch on the living room floor Spilled the little silver beads and chemicals all over my mom's carpet ruined it Who knows what kind of forever chemicals were packed into those things when my dad got home

[08:43] I got a whooping My mom wouldn't whoop me. She'd just say when your dad gets home He's gonna whoop you and when he walked through the door, she said John get out the belt. Your son was a bad boy again Yep, that's how parents of boomers discipline their kids back in the Camelot days Way back when there was no 800 number to call to get your parents hauled away by social services By the way down here in Latin America There never has been a number for kids to call to get their parents hauled away And guess what when I mentioned to Latinos such a thing exists up in the States. They don't believe me They think I'm lying. It seems like nothing can dissuade them from their belief in the American dream and Swenio Americano Meanwhile down here in Latin America, they still discipline their kids the old-fashioned way the occasional ass whooping when necessary

[09:31] Man, I'm so glad I'm living here in Latin America The dirty little secret is there is no American dream anymore No, Swenio Americano, but there certainly is a Swenio Latino Americano a Latin American dream Though only Americans and first-world people with half a brain seem to recognize that oh and one more thing about corporal punishment here in Latin America I have noticed that that 5% of educated upscale gringo wannabe Latinos. They're so enamored with everything gringo They would never consent to lift a finger to discipline their little princes and princesses They're the ones, you know that can afford to bring their whiny ass troublemaking kids to restaurants and let the little jerks run wild Where you can see for yourself just how the gringo attitude has contaminated their minds All right, just a little plug here. You know as this show first goes out on February 23rd

[10:20] That means my latest expat insider seminar to be held in Guatemala and El Salvador kicks off in about two weeks There's still time to drink from the fire hose and get in on the fun Just go to expatplanb.com and click on the seminar link for all the sign up details, etc Speaking of ass backward and immigration in the wrong direction. Here's a revolt and development for you You can't believe what I'm hearing from every Latino and Latina. I know I'm hearing a kind of totally misplaced excitement coming from them. They all have immediate family cousins brothers uncles who are either illegal aliens up in the states or right now presently in illegal caravans on their way by coyote to the states or

[11:06] Just getting their money together to make the trip up to the u.s Because they know the borders are wide open. The word is definitely out. Everyone knows it Latinos everywhere are talking about this and the number one thing that makes it possible the app you love to hate What's up I mean look every latino has got a couple of down-and-out relatives Who never previously would have thought to make the trip because so many people get caught and deported hell I once met a guy in El Salvador who was deported six different times You know, there used to be a risk of getting caught and deported but everyone knows that doesn't happen anymore They all to a person believe that once you're in you're in. Oh, and they absolutely love biden They're hearing all this talk from candidates like trump and kennedy saying Vote for me and i'll slam the door shut at the border

[11:53] So all the latinos down here know there's an end date. They figure it's around november 2024 when the us elections come they're all thinking if biden goes out the wall is up So they're not taking any chances. They're heading for the states now Anyway, like I said, there's this energy this excitement smoldering down here in latin america every latino I know has a friend or relative who's either in a caravan up in states right now or getting his money together to make the trip In all my years down here. I've never heard that kind of talk. So up front and in your face I even know some latinos who've got pretty good jobs and never want to leave to the states But they're getting calls from their uncles or cousins up in new york or jersey saying come on up Now's your chance i'll find you an instant husband or wife. It'll make you legal All you got to have is about five or six thousand bucks

[12:40] There are thousands and thousands of x illegals who are now citizens due to those amnesty programs of clinton obama carter reagan and bush There are millions of used to be illegals who are now citizens or have the residency. They've got a very lucrative scam Offering their services marriage services to lulily arrived illegals as long as they have the dough I hear latinos talking about that all the time how there's an arranged marriage waiting for them They just got to get their money together by the way regarding those amnesty programs of clinton obama carter and bush You know how those things work don't you at the time the us immigration department says if you were in the united states Five years or more as an illegal but committed no crime had no police record

[13:25] You could come down fill in some forms and you could automatically become a us resident And then after 10 years with no police record or criminal convictions You could become a citizen millions and millions of illegals has got their citizenship and residency that way And practically none of these people had college or even high school education So they became part of the maid gardener and grunt worker class of america And now a lot of these guys and gals are in their 40s 50s and 60s and they're open to getting married to gain five Or six thousand bucks What a scam, huh? Why is no one reporting on this in fact? I personally know a 29 year old venezuelan girl who is hooked up online with a 63 as she calls him fat Dumpy latino guy a cab driver in new jersey

[14:11] She's paid the down payment on her arranged marriage and soon enough. She'll be up in the states as a permanent resident Then after two years, she says they get a divorce and guess what it doesn't affect her residency He does it again with another illegal makes another six grand Yep, she told me that she's the third wife for this guy all extensively illegal Of course according to u.s Law anyway, the only kicker she said is you have to stay married to the guy two years That's the probation period for your green card And you know for me as a gringo who grew up in a different kind of us altogether when I hear stories like that It makes me sick. It's pathetic What the u.s has morphed into you know at this point I can mouth that off repeated phrase How's your plan be coming but I won't instead i'll just say that the us was a fantastic place

[15:02] While it lasted took 200 years to record, but you do get what you deserve Face it you were stupid Because you voted for those shit for brains psychopathic parasites who slowly but surely took the place down So just to ask how's your plan be coming doesn't cut it anymore better to say if you don't have a plan b by now you're lost All right and more good news. How about this revolt and statistic? Did you know that according to the university of virginia national marriage project? United states men under 30 who were raised in a single parent home Are more likely to spend time in prison than get a college degree According to the same study. It says fatherlessness Is a better predictor of incarceration than race religion or growing up poor

[15:54] So for all you fools ninnies and dweebs out there i.e. You wokesters Railing on about toxic manhood and how single mothers are perfectly capable of bringing up well-adjusted children You wokesters that believe that a dad in the home is not necessary Well, that might be true sometimes, but the odds as you just have heard are heavily against it All right moving on you know in past shows you've heard me talk about how Latinos and latinas often name their kids in the most peculiar way you think you've heard some crazy names up in the states Especially in those ghetto communities now latin americans give their kids oddball names too But with a lesser degree of craziness by the way parents might think it's cute to give their kid a crazy ass name More often than not though a kid will suffer kids will bully each other mercilessly

[16:44] They will pick on any flaw or discrepancy. You know that meanwhile down here in latin america Although there are some funky names given to kids I've found they're not nearly as crude stupid or pathetic as some of the names coming out of mostly The hip-hop and rap culture in the states. However, i'm old enough to remember a time way back when When almost everyone had a normal or traditional name was that such a bad thing when kids didn't have to suffer for their parents Momentary laps into perceived cuteness. In fact, one of the first times I was confronted with sort of a laughable crazy ass name Was in engineering school first year 50 kids or so in my class one black guy's name was napoleon Bonaparte jackson. I shit you not Was a nice guy kind of a dim bulb for an engineer

[17:30] But in fact at one of our freshman fraternity bashes I remember him saying to a bunch of us guys you can call me napoleon call me bonaparte or call me jackson But please don't shorten them up to nappy or boner and you know, we all cracked up that really broke the ice But we're talking about latin america, right? And just when I thought i've seen it all something else comes up like for example Just in the last couple of weeks. I ran into three latin american guys With names really out of the ordinary, but I don't think they're gonna hurt him none I mean nothing to laugh at or poke fun of or bully though. Definitely memorable First off I was at a restaurant and I got introduced to a little kid about seven years old. His name was goliath sanchez sava You know like in davey and goliath i'll tell you man lots of daves out there

[18:19] Thousands millions of days i've got hundreds of them listening to this show But not a single goliath Could it be because he was the loser in that famous biblical battle? I don't know, but have you ever met a goliath? If you think about it, not such a bad name for a kid. Everybody will remember it That's for sure and it's biblical and then just a couple of weeks ago I was at a hospital clinic sitting in the laboratory area waiting for some results And right down the hall there were a couple of doctor's offices and one of the doctor's name was get this hamlet Romero as in hamlet, you know shakespeare now i'm certain if an american named his kid hamlet He would take lots of shit, especially if he was overweight a lot of bullying a lot of ass woman But down here in latin america apparently not I mean the guy's a full-fledged doctor

[19:06] Obviously the name hamlet didn't hurt him one bit And lastly case number three I took an uber from the airport the other day It was ripe smelled like a mixture of glade and fresh ass the cabbie's name on his little id sticker I'll never forget it Geronimo castillo. Yep. That's right Geronimo Now there's a cabbie. I'll never forget not for the stink but for the name and I asked the guy Does everyone call you geronimo? Seems like a bit much. He said nope Just call me jerry moral of the story. It's not nice to your kids to get cutie with their names You might think you're clever, but you could permanently scar your kid By the way, according to a book on why names matter Research suggests that names influence your choice of profession where you live who you marry the grades you earn the stocks you invest in

[19:56] Whether you're accepted to a given school or picked for a team even how people perceive you in a first impression In other words millions of parents, especially Undereducated parents up in the u.s. Are just plain stupid But you knew that already, right? Just saying By the way once I was in berlin a long long time ago before the internet when they still had phone books Berlin has a massive phone book that must have had six pages of john mueller's though. Oddly enough not a single hitler Hmm Oddly enough. No parents in europe or america ever named their kid adolf Oh except of course dolph lungren's parents What do you think dolph is short for or dolfy? Something to think about, huh?

[20:43] All right moving on, you know, sometimes I think i'm nothing but a big failure Why because still so many people write me emails saying they've got a plan b going all right. They're gonna be moving to mexico It's as if they listen to me, but haven't really heard a single word i've been saying Though that's okay in a twisted way, of course because who wants millions of americans going farther south south of south of the border Ruining our little off the tourist trail paradises Which brings me to this newly received email from longtime listener and friend of the show mr B who's been living in mexico for the last eight years with eight years in mexico under his belt He can summarize the situation nicely And i'll paraphrase this a bit to shorten it up. He says hola, johnny Hopefully the eternal spring altiplano climate treats you well

[21:30] I'm just a bit north of the ring of fire here in the altiplano of Oaxaca state did I say that right in mexico the weather is equally as fine, especially here in the dry season And nope, it hasn't gotten old after the eight years. My wife and I have lived here But we do have one glaring difference between what you're experiencing in your shangri-la of guadamala and my shangri-la Of mexico and he says it's the one thing that eventually may drive us out of mexico You've mentioned occasionally your ownership of firearms in guadamala and your freedom to own a bunch of them there Problem is johnny legally having a gun here in mexico means multiple years in a squalid prison And it's something most gringos easily just gloss over given the great food the pleasant people

[22:15] Low-cost and the magnificent oaxaca beaches and mountainscapes here He says on top of that it was easy to get residency in mexico which made it a great deal He says we've made local friends gotten our favorite mechanic have a favorite dr. Dennis and favorite restaurants, too Oh, and did I mention the 101 varieties of tequila all of that positive stuff johnny makes it Oh, so easy for us not to think at all about this self-defense aspect The lack of being able to purchase and use firearms Nope, we don't think about that much until at night when we're in our homes and we hear loud gunshots Then we're suddenly reminded how truly helpless we are Of course here in oaxaca local gun ownership certainly does exist But it's illegal, of course

[23:03] Many times i've heard a high caliber pistol go off down the street or across the field and i've gotten out of bed Being careful not to turn on any lights And quietly go outside on the porch with a machete to make sure no one's creeping up on the house It crosses your mind that it could be some drunk lunatic or some guy on a bad meth bender Just moving through the hood kind of trigger happy Problem is there isn't a damn thing. I can do about it Someone could roll up on us anytime midday or night Take their time crossing through our house and by the time the local Ineffectual small town cops get here to our little rural spot. The crooks will be long gone in the usa I was always a gun owner and responsibly use and maintain them, but there's just no option for that here in mexico

[23:50] Then he says examples abound around here Of disarmed civilians gringos and locals being jacked a few years ago For example a gringo couple we know farther out in the countryside in a custom spread Had three guys bust into their house at midday They tied him up with lamp courts took their time ransacking the place and took everything Now those folks live behind a seven foot razor wire top fence with a custom security gate Certainly an efficient solution. But in the end is that any kind of way to live? Then he says there's the tragic devolution of peace in the neighboring chiappa state down south on the guatemalan border Where over the past few years drug cartels have moved in and virtually terrorized and destroyed local communities

[24:38] All of that with almost no response from the local and federal police forces And the local population they arm themselves even if it is illegal Yep, that's right. They arm themselves whenever possible And stick up for their rights and whatever freedom they can So in the end he says being disarmed in a land of heavily armed criminals is to me A basic admission of stupidity and abdication of personal responsibility Whatever happened to personal safety and the protection of private property? And that johnny is the main reason we may finally have to move out of mexico because it's not getting any better He says so far our place is relatively off the main cartel business corridors, but the overall national trend is not comforting

[25:25] It's so very easy to just put it out of your mind go buy a six pack Sit with the neighbors on the porch play some music and light a fire. Look at the stars Have a tequila party though. It's better to keep your eyes open and try to stay one step ahead of problems My advice if you're looking to escape the gulag usa Don't choose mexico as your plan b in the first place Better to follow your example johnny and fortify your homestead with some real fire power Real guns with some fire power not mace and machetes Yes, you guys got it going on there in guatemala shining example of gringos who are not going to take any hoodlum crap I admire folks who are unafraid to exact some uncle sam style frontier justice if the occasion arises Unfortunately, he says this will not happen up here in mexico

[26:13] Tough talk and 30 pesos will get you a good cup of coffee though One question though johnny can we count on you guys to storm up here with said devastating fire power when armed thugs arrive at my front door Here in wahaka You know good neighbor policy and all that Anyway, johnny best wishes from the altiplano land of eternal spring here in wahaka Well, thanks for that. Mr. B Sounds like a job for the neighborhood watch As long as the federales at the border don't frisk us. We'll be right over Can't promise how fast we'll get there due to manana time and all that So in the meantime, put your rottweiler and doberman on a diet. Keep them hungry At least until the cavalry arrives But seriously, mr. B in guatemala, I believe you're allowed to have up to 12 guns

[27:03] Personally, I don't need that many just three have been fined for me a 12 gauge shotgun a pistol Usually nine mil and a 22 long rifle with a scope for varmints By the way, if any of you guys and gals out there want a copy of the guatemalan official firearms laws and regs Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com By the way to own a firearm or two or three or twelve You have to be a citizen or have permanent residency Yet another good reason to get your residency going, huh? You've been listening to the expat files living in latin. America If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat insider seminar in central america

[27:52] Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b. Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com No spammos