#1264 – The Expat Files: Business, Residency, and Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Before we get started a message or two First off for pretty much the entire month of August 2023 coming up starting. I think next week now I'll be traveling a lot in and out of the jungle So the show is the new shows that is maybe spotty. That means there'll be some repeat shows thrown in there

[00:52] You know the worst of the expat files So expect next month August to be a mixed bag of shows some new some repeats That said, you know one of the biggest topics of discussion amongst expats and expat wannabes are good bees is how to find Business opportunities once you get down here Hey, we all have time on our hands. Once we get down here We're all looking for something to do and if it makes us money all the better, right? You don't want to sit around the pool all day drinking my ties. Do you? Well, maybe Well, you long-time listeners have heard me say many times It's kind of pointless to sit up in Cleveland or Milwaukee or New York Planning the business you're gonna have once you get down here Latin America You might have some great ideas and all that but most of the time that's not the business you end up in I'd say

[01:39] 95% of time gringo's and expats who have really thriving businesses down here in Latin America Never in a millionaires planned on having that kind of particular business It's something that never crossed their mind when they were up in the States They saw the opportunity when they got down here open their eyes and got some boots on the ground That's usually how it happens almost every time Then of course, there's those not so creative gringo's and expats who have this idea in their head They've had it for a long long time that they're gonna open a mom-and-pop restaurant or Airbnb You know boring businesses, but to each his own and sometimes they work out But you know a traditional sort of tourist based businesses like that Restaurants Airbnb's etc are not born out of creativity or discovering a certain niche to fill if that's your dream

[02:27] You can expect lots of competition so you better have something to cut above to offer or you ain't gonna make it and Of course the worst competition they have is gringo and expat competition. It's one thing competing against the locals You could beat them with your eyes closed But gringo and expat competition that you'd like to avoid at all costs, but you knew that already, right? So then what about these business niches gringo's and expats find once they've been down here a while and add some boots on the ground Some gringo businesses are pretty wild. You can hardly believe they make a profit, but they do The amazing thing is that some of the most successful ones didn't take much startup money at all Some of them are just straight internet businesses With no inventory and almost no overhead. How cool is that better yet?

[03:15] No employees to pay but yourself for example I know as certain European gringo expat lady who's been in Guatemala for I think about a year boots on the ground now She started a new business in a most unlikely nation internet business that she calls Ola Mia more Which means hello my love? I know I know you're curious. What's that about? I'm actually plugging it here Cuz I think it's a really good idea. I hope it works out for her Let me read the explanation of this thing to you that she has up on her website. She says Ola Mia more is a premium membership website for expat men and women who'd like to date locals in Guatemala Well, there you have it that says it all. So what it is is a mating and dating app

[04:01] Exclusively for Guatemala. She further explains It was born out of discussions picked up amongst the male expat friends. She knows She says they find the Guatemalan ladies quite charming, but they don't have many opportunities to meet them a Lot of them by the way are just plain shy and the ones that don't speak any English at all Feel a little bit self-conscious talking to a gringo. She says besides being a dating site online There'll be six weekly face-to-face speed dating events in Antigua Guatemala and Guatemala City So then how does it differ from the usual cupid sites, which we all know can be minefields You've heard me talk about that plenty of times on this show a lot of scammers fakers and gold diggers out there

[04:47] Anyway, our expat lady who set up this business created an intense questionnaire to help weed out the good the bad the ugly and the scammers Anyway, it promises to be a different kind of dating site and just the fact that it's run by an expat first-world gringo lady Who's been down here for a while a lady that I know personally, I know it's on the up-and-up Alright would not be talking about it here So then how do you sign up? Will you just go to a lot me a more GT calm? That's h o l a m I am OR GT calm Check out the website. It's pretty cool. All right now for some news, especially for you gringos and expats up there who are on the fence or Haven't really got that plan be going yet But you're thinking about it or you've got some kind of five-year plan you're working on

[05:34] You better step on it because certain forces are conspiring against you Well, you know one of the key steps in getting your residency in a Latin American country or any country for that matter Is to get an FBI report and with some countries you need both an FBI report and local sheriff's report Guess what a listener just sent me the news that he's going for Residency in El Salvador, you know El Salvador that extremely safe little country in Central America that the US government loves to hate Well, guess what? This listener just received notification that the US government straight-up refused to produce a criminal record check for him That FBI report even though that's what you need It's required for the purpose of migrating and receiving residency in El Salvador bottom line. He's screwed

[06:23] He can't get residency. Now, of course, the person has every legal right to this document, but it's being withheld and denied Regardless, I repeat sourcing your FBI and criminal records documents our absolute keys to getting your residency started in any country and For the US government to start withholding that information because you want to move to El Salvador a country They love to hate to pull that off to spring that on you. It's very disturbing news Now it's unknown how often this has been happening. I personally never thought of this scenario I didn't think the government could do that The law says everyone has the right to check their own criminal records You pay your 25 or 50 bucks, whatever and they have to give it to you. Apparently, that's not so anymore

[07:09] The government's playing dirty Haven't they always though when they felt like it play dirty? What else is new? So anyway be advised if your plan B involves applying for residency anywhere, it's only getting harder and harder It's obvious uncle Sam does not want his cows leaving the barn I was gonna see sheep leaving the barn, but the sheep don't even know they're locked in the barn Alright moving on got an interesting email from longtime listener Douglas who is living in Maryland But his wife was born in Guatemala a long long time ago. I think she came to the States Maybe when she was three or six or something. Anyway, if you've been following his story Which I've mentioned here and there on the show His wife has inherited some property and stuff down in Guatemala and they're getting the hell out of Dodge as soon as he

[07:54] Gets the hell out of his commitment to working in the States Anyway in a recent email he mentioned some interesting things that haven't been brought up before like for example His wife is Guatemalan but doesn't have a Guatemalan passport and she's looking to get one. Of course She's entitled to one she was born there But when she was in the States producing her original birth certificate at the Guatemalan Embassy there It was one of the old hand-written ones and is not considered valid anymore That ratty old dog-geared paper document has to be upgraded That means a couple of more hoops to jump through with a Guatemalan agency called a re-nap re-nap Who will issue a new one in time? Manana time, I guess that's sort of understandable. Anyway The odd thing is and they are moving to Guatemala and therefore her husband Douglas will be applying for residency there, too

[08:43] He'll have no problem getting it either because he's married to a Guatemalan So it's more or less instant Again, according to the rules of manana time the odd thing is though He discovered that is Douglas discovered in trying to get his residency in Guatemala That the country of Guatemala does not recognize a USA marriage Which complicates things and so with getting her new registered Guatemalan birth certificate and Guatemalan passport She's registered as single even though they've been married for 28 years The marriage of course performed stateside So in order for Douglas to get that quick and easy Guatemalan residency and final passport He has to jump through a couple of more hoops with the Guatemalan consulate closest to where they live in the States

[09:30] That's how they'll get their marriage registered in Guatemala By the way, that's why I've heard so many stories about Latinos I've met a few personally myself who end up with two different secret families One family in Latin America and one up in the States with another woman all those guys, of course moral scumbag low-lifes By the way, that's how a lot of them end up getting their permanent residency by marrying a girl up in the States Almost always a Latina from the barrio who is a US resident or citizen They end up in a Latino barrio because they can disappear there blend right in plus in the barrio Everyone speaks Spanish and there's no necessity to speak English. In fact just yesterday I was with a Latina and her brother who told me that very same story about their so-called useless cousin

[10:18] He's 25 years old got a wife and kids in Latin America Abandoned them paid coyotes to take him to the States and within six months found a girl and Mary up there Of course, she's got no idea. He has a whole other family He'll never tell her and she might never find out unless he gets deported But being a legal resident by virtue of his marriage to her He can't get deported even if he commits a crime or I should say if he gets caught committing a crime By the way after I heard that story. I said to that Latina and her brother I'd say your cousin's one of the reasons regular Americans can't stand illegal Latinos sneaking into their country But I digress as usual back to Doug's email he says Johnny I ran by Home Depot today He's in Maryland looking at cordless lawnmowers and guess what the tool sections all of them Ryobi

[11:09] Milwaukee DeWalt now have metal screens locked in place to prevent theft He says the area I live in starting to look more in third world than most third world countries I've traveled to isn't it funny He says store owners in third world countries can defend themselves against theft Mmm. Thanks for that Doug man. He's right about that Believe me. You don't want to get caught shoplifting in a third world store. Let me give you a little example It just happened this week in Cuenca, Ecuador Title of this good news headline thieves once again beaten by residents It says two men suspected of robbing a South Cuenca Tienda That's a little store were detained and beaten and their motorcycle set on fire last Thursday. Oh

[11:55] Yeah, if he only could get away with that up in the States, huh? Wouldn't be a motorcycle left in San Francisco or Portland or LA Anyway, the article goes on to say after they left the Avenida Loha Little Tienda the store the men were surrounded by a group of at least nine Neighborhood residents they forced the robbers to turn over the stolen cash and then they attacked police arrived within minutes Well, that's something new. There must have been a donut shop next door Meanwhile a day later on Friday a suspected thief was captured by residents on Avenido Don Bosco and was beaten According to residents the man had threatened at least three small businesses in the area if they didn't pay him Protection money according to the police who later took the man into custody. He was beaten and his motorcycle destroyed

[12:43] Yep, sounds to me the local residents are not limp risted cowards Hmm. Let that be a lesson to all you cowards up in the state standing around in stores watching people steal and walking right out the Door. I know. I know you don't want to get involved. You don't want to make a fuss Well, then guess what when it happens to you when you get robbed on the street or in your car Don't expect any help from anyone just saying but who am I just some stupid gringo who jumped ship 30 something years ago Well before the US turned into a wimpy soft nation of woke whiny snowflakes Who knows maybe if I'd never left? I'd be stealing stuff and living under a bridge to having lost my job a long time ago because I opened my mouth and offended Too many sensitive wokesters way too many times and to think when I left they said I was the fool

[13:30] I was the crazy one. Oh And every last one of them said all my friends and family He'll be back with his tail between his legs. That is if he isn't kidnapped shot or sold into white slavery first I'm sure they were thinking poor Johnny. What a deluded dummy what he needs is a shrink but doesn't know it. Oh By the way, remember a couple of months ago. I was talking about snakes in Latin America Well, you know the closer you get to the equator and the closer you are to the Amazon and the closer you are towards Sea level the more snakes the more critters in general the bigger they are in general, too Well, here's a snake update by the way down here. They call him sir. Piente's like serpents in the Bible sir. Piente's or Kulebrous Kulebrous a derivative of the word cobra Kulebra cobra

[14:17] Which is kind of funny because there are no cobras in Central or South America They only exist in Africa and Asia and India is part of Asia. You knew that right? That's why it's sort of odd to hear Latinos called them cool. Leibras cobras, though We all kind of get what the word sir. Piente means Anyway news again this week on Ecuador officials are warning residents to be on the alert for boa constrictors Although the snake the boa is native to the coastal region of Ecuador Recent rains have forced many of them from their native habitat to residential areas Then it says more than a dozen boa constrictors have been removed from homes in western and northern Guayaquil Just this week. That's according to the local fire department the bomb arrows in Spanish It turns out you see it when you find a snake in your house in Central or South America

[15:05] If there's no macho guy around to shush it out with a stick You don't call the cops cuz they might not come till tomorrow. Whereas the fire department probably within a half an hour I mean really you guys up in Milwaukee Cleveland, New York when you have a snake in the house. Who do you call? But I digress again back to the article It says according to the fire department seven more boa constrictors were found in nearby Duran homes as well Of course any snake in the house is a nasty business But some people I've talked to like boa constrictors because they kill rats and mice and the occasional cat So should you panic not to worry? They squeeze their prey to death They don't bite unless they're swallowing something and they don't have venom In fact almost all the snake owners up in the States and in Europe, you know those crazy snake owners

[15:51] They own boa constrictors. That's the snake lovers pet of choice. By the way, did I tell you back in high school? There was a really hot girl who had pet snakes, which dramatically lowered her mating value Hmm snake lovers are funny since 99% of the rest of the world hates him I'm sure it goes back to religion in the Bible and all that So I kind of think some snake lovers don't really love their snakes They just like owning them for shock value when you know company comes over Hey, if that's what it takes to keep this swagra away swagra is mother-in-law By the way, I have to admit here in Latin America I'm not hearing any bad mother-in-law stories from my gringo expat friends who have married Latinas or gringas married to Latinos It's part of that gringo advantage working in your favor again for Latino parents having a gringo or gringo son or daughter-in-law

[16:44] In the family is a huge plus I've yet to meet a single gringo married to a Latina or gringo married to a Latino who says they don't get along with Their swagra or mother-in-law now That's one big cultural difference here in Latin America that you'll never find out about unless you're married to or in a long-term Relationship with a Latino or Latina file that for future reference So anyway about snakes in Latin America and those snake stories that sometimes creep into these podcasts You know after that last round of snake stories I told a couple months ago I got I think three or four emails from guys saying Johnny. I know why you told those snake stories They said because you're thinking too many gringos and experts are flooding into Latin America, and you want to put the brakes on that There's no better way at least from keeping gringas from coming down than to toss out a few snake stories

[17:36] Hmm all right you got me anyway, that's a pretty good segue into our next email He says and as usual I'll paraphrase to cut out the boring parts and the criticisms of me I don't like when that it's my prerogative right Anyway the header on this email is what's your take on the safety in Colombia and Ecuador as of August? 2023 he starts out. Hello, mr. Johnny my friend Dave who is a longtime Regular listener of your podcast and the guy who turned beyond to your show Suggested that I write you to ask about safety concerns in Colombia and Ecuador in 2023 Since I booked a ticket to Bogota for August 1st And we'll just be landing there to explore no other plans made

[18:22] He says I've been living in panhachow, Guatemala for the past two years And though I love it there because the lake is beautiful and the weather consistently comfortable The number of cars and mottos and pollution and noise have all increased quite a bit since September 2021 Not to mention gringo taxes ie gringo prices seem to be unpredictable and quite common here now So my plan is to start exploring other countries in Central and South America to find a clean safe and economical place where I can live Simply peacefully and naturally outside the matrix system of the US in the first world The thing is Johnny. I'm a true minimalist all my possessions fit in one backpack And I only want a small furnished bedroom with a private bathroom and a shared kitchen. I also don't mind living with others and

[19:09] Since I don't trust the fear porn that is rampant in the lamestream media I figured it would be best to ask you an expert expat about the reality of Colombia and Ecuador regarding the safety issues In other words Would you say Colombian Ecuador are safe for backpacking and exploring to find a place to live with only having a small bag and no Major valuables I would also add that I'm a 42 year old English Spanish bilingual a non drinker And don't go out at night and have no interest in buying or selling drugs. Thanks in advance for your time and advice Signed mr. Joe a refugee from the US Alright Joe. Thanks for that. Good questions. How about let's start with Columbia first off You'll find it's a lot more expensive than in Guatemala So you'll find if you want to live cheap backpacker style shared kitchen and all don't certainly end up living in one of the barrios

[19:59] Where it should be no problem to find something for 200 bucks a month The problem is the lower you want to pay in rent That is the noisier the scruffier the more chaotic than neighborhood. That's if you choose the big city like Bogota However, some of those little towns out in the boonies of five or ten thousand people in Colombia are very picturesque calm and nice Very good places to just hang if you're not a person who's real active and likes nightlife Now about the pure safety issues in Colombia I don't want to go through the cliche answer of there are good and bad places in every country even though there are But it is true even the bad guys don't much pick on backpackers or people who are dressed way down and have no blink Unless maybe the backpacker looks too fresh clean and turned out and has real leather paraphernalia

[20:50] And who's outfitted in real brand name hiking boots backpacking gear, etc After all, there are a few rich people back to nature types that slum it as backpackers They're easy to spot expensive watch manicured nails and all I find when backpackers get robbed It's usually by another backpacker It seems to depend a lot on the neighborhood you're living in the lower the rent the more the personal risk The thing is too if you've been living in panachella for a couple of years You've already got kind of a sixth sense for scoping out of place You already kind of know how safe or unsafe it is to be there And of course, you said you don't go out much at night. So you're already off the radar During the times when most petty crimes are committed at least the ones that are singling out gringos and expats because hey I noticed when there is petty crime is pointed at gringos who have a certain pattern. They go to certain bars every night

[21:41] Often have too much to drink live in a low-end neighborhood. That's not gated or guarded In other words when they go out at night alone They're often letting down their guard as people do when they're partying and have a few drinks now The other question is this Columbia getting more dangerous month by month year by year I'd say no, it's pretty much the same. I go in and out and it hasn't changed much to me But I can tell you Ecuador's become a lot more dangerous You longtime listeners know I've never been hot on the place myself ever since international living some 10 years ago Called it the number one gringo expat retirement destination in the world I just knew in time it would be turned into a mini Costa Rica and one of the main problems with Costa Rica besides the fact that gringos and expats have jacked up the cost of living tremendously a

[22:27] Bigger problem is a sort of criminal class of Costa Ricans has been flourishing on the backs of mostly fresh green gringos No, not directly. They don't just walk up and pull gun on you and steal your purse or your camera They're just so good at scamming and gouging the hell out of you You don't even know it till well after you've been had though I have to admit with all the gringos flooding in takward or it's still pretty cheap to live there In fact, the cost of living might even be slightly lower than Guatemala But again Joe if you've been a backpacker style guy pretty much the whole time you've been down here a couple of years now As you say I'm thinking you'll be just fine By the way when talking about an even lower cost of living than Guatemala I mean if you're living very simple backpacker style Because as you've probably heard me say on this show in South America all appliances and electronics and cars are a lot more expensive

[23:15] Than they are in Central America, but you knew that already However food and housing still very cheap though. No problem living backpacker style in Ecuador. That's for sure Different story completely in Colombia, especially if you're into mating and dating You know with the extreme popularity of Colombian girls on the internet now on those cupid sites If you're living backpacker style don't expect to wine and dine the ladies because they're high maintenance Sure high maintenance Latin American style is in no way equal to high maintenance first world style, but still over and over again I'm hearing stories from gringos in the game that the Colombian ladies are always hitting you up for dough for a new phone for the internet bill Grandma's medicine mama's broken tooth. So Joe I don't know if you're in the dating and mating game But if you are Ecuador will be much kinder to your wallet and now an email from a seminar attendee

[24:05] Mr. P says Johnny just a quick update for you on our trip last month down to Guatemala We had lots of laughs exciting adventures and so much fun traveling to Antigua and Lake Atalanta Guatemala City and on and on as always he says almost everyone we met either in a hotel restaurant shop bar park or just on the Streets were so kind and helpful as you always say Johnny very happy people Then he says I heard your show from Friday and you made a comment about never meeting a French person in Guatemala Well, we met a French guy in Antigua who has a restaurant called like Commodore He says Johnny do yourself a favor and stop by to see him next time you're an Antigua Turns out the guy grew up in France and went to culinary school there had restaurants in the states for many years But fell in love with Antigua Guatemala years ago and finally decided to move down and enjoy the manana time lifestyle

[24:53] He says the place was great and the most expensive meal was something like 15 bucks And that was either beef tenderloin or foie gras either one of those dishes would have been seventy five dollars plus in the states Meanwhile, he said I had one of those only in Latin America boots on the ground stories While visiting the volcano Pacaya He says once we finally dragged our tired asses huffing and puffing up that steep seemingly never-ending slope at the lookout We saw two cops two police officers there a man and a woman He says I've been working hard on my Spanish for 10 or 11 months now on the dual lingual app and it's helped tremendously So I proceeded to introduce myself and my wife to the officers I asked them a few simple questions about their families and kids etc. They were both very kind and excused my poor grammar

[25:40] I noticed though the semi-auto pistol that the gentleman was carrying and of course It didn't look familiar like a Glock Ruger Smith and Wesson or any other make-eyed scene. So I asked him what caliber it was He told me it was a nine mil. So without thinking I asked if I could look at it Much to my surprise. He took it out of the holster dropped a magazine Check the chamber to make sure it was empty and handed it to me as I was looking at it The thought went through my mind if only Johnny could see this one A cop in the uniform on the job hands a total stranger his service weapon without a second thought or delay Definitely only happens on a volcano in Latin America So we said our goodbyes and headed off down the trail to see the massive lava flow fields and to buy a few souvenirs After a few minutes, my wife said, you know, I secretly got a picture of you looking at that officers gun. You're such a nerd. I

[26:31] Couldn't wait to send the picture to a couple of my old friends at home or our cops just for a good laugh Then he says I could bore you to tears with a dozen more stories from our week that went far too fast But you got better things to do I'm sure so thanks again Johnny for helping us get a head start on our plan B and giving us the confidence to stretch our boundaries a bit and Enjoy spending time in a place so fun beautiful chaotic and relaxing and at the same time quite simply so different from what we're accustomed to Asta the way go amigo mr. P and company by the way He and his wife came to my last expat insider seminar great people great to have him along By the way, I'm sure if a stranger asked a cop in the states if he could see his gun He'd say sure pull out the clip and hand it to him Yeah, right that would happen. Especially if the guy asking to see it was a Latino

[27:21] Yeah, you know what if someone took a secret video of that it'd get millions of views and the guy'd get fired about three seconds later But mr. P is right things like that happen only in Latin America You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in Central America Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com