#1121 – The Expat Files: Life, Love, and Learning in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] Alright, back in the saddle again, let's take an email that should prove to lead us into some very interesting detours. Here's one from Milton, where he talks about mating, dating, sex, and all that stuff relating to Latin American hookups. Man, do I get the emails on that. And of course, you long-time listeners have heard me say I don't like to talk too much about sex, love, and whatever here in Latin America, because I don't want to turn this into a Lonely Hearts Club, Dear Johnny, achy breaky heart show. Though, I'm sure I'd have millions more listeners. Anyway, Milton says, Johnny, I guess I'm a classic case. That is, a case of gringo escaping the first world and coming down to Latin America because I've had major problems in the love and romance department. I thought myself a failure, just treading water and waking up in the morning wondering

[00:48] what's next. Is today going to be okay, or am I going to get another sucker punch? Yep, when I was young and stupid, I had insurmountable mating and dating problems. First of all, I got married way too young to my high school sweetheart, had two kids by the time I was 21, got divorced about 10 years later, and then the usual story I moved out had to support two households, and I got 60% of my salary garnished every month in child support for the next eight years. And then when I hit 48, my kids were adults and out of the house, hallelujah, and no more support payments, double hallelujah. So there I was, closing on 50, treading water, no love life to speak of. I was no great catch, I couldn't afford to splurge. Up to then, I dated a bit, with some ladies online, but I was hardly a great catch.

[01:35] And the ladies all had kid baggage too. I guess you could say I was a fairly good looking guy, but I had none of the good solid possessions and assets a 50 year old guy should have. Always renting, always leasing a car and in debt. But as luck would have it, I was able to start a little online business, which allowed me to work from anywhere. So my wanderlust kicked in and I started going down to Mexico, spent six months there, just couldn't get my Spanish down, too many gringos and too many locals wanting to speak English. So stumbling on your show about five years ago, I heard you talk about a book called Fast Spanish. I contacted you, you sent it to me, thanks for that. And I'll say it here, it changed my life. So based on that book, I headed farther south, as you say, south of the border, to, you guessed it, Guatemala, to a city called Chela, or

[02:24] get south, Tenango, as it's formally known. Where, according to that Fast Spanish book, which I found was absolutely true, you were able to find the cheapest Spanish tutors in full immersion Spanish families in all of Latin America, very much cheaper than in Mexico. So I went there for two months, did the full immersion Spanish family thing. And you were right, Johnny, regarding what you said, I think it was four or five years ago on the show, about how a single gringo in the house created a kind of a situation that upsets the balance of a normal home. Like you said, Johnny, in that show, almost every night, there'd be a knock on the door, and some aunt, neighbor, cousin, extended family member would pay a visit, just sort of drop in. Yeah, right, right out of the blue, with the beautiful and sometimes not so beautiful, eminently eligible female family member in tow.

[03:13] Usually all dressed up in no place to go. Lots of times you'll end up sitting right next to her with nothing to say. Those 15 minute pregnant pauses are not so comfortable when your Spanish sucks. Yep, I became the principal in the family's matchmaking efforts. But I didn't bite, I didn't fall for it. It felt just a little too weird. Well, in the end, I spent a month at that family, I had to leave. I just couldn't take the food and the fact that the whole family shared the same bathroom. That too was highly uncomfortable for me. It might be all right for college backpackers, but a 50 year old guy, not so much. But I paid for a month and I stuck it out. And then, you know, you start hearing things in rumors. And the rumor was that Antigua Guatemala was the place to go. You could learn your Spanish there as well.

[03:58] It was a little bit more expensive, but there were a lot more things to do. And it was a World Heritage site, so there were Europeans and Americans coming in and out all the time. I was bored and needed things to do. To tell you the truth, after about two weeks in Shella, you do get cabin fever. It is a quaint university town, but there is not a lot to do, at least not for gringos. But in Antigua Guatemala, even though it's quite small, 40 or 50,000 people, there's lots of culture and many things to do. Plus, it's only about an hour or less from Guatemala City by a little shuttle bus for 10 bucks. So if you crave the trappings of a big city, you could always pop into Guatemala City. They've got everything there. The one Shella, a pretty good sized city itself. It's sort of laid back and rustic, and four hours away from Guatemala City. I've done it, it's a pretty rough and tiring trip.

[04:46] Dirt cheap, if I recall, eight bucks or so, but you get what you pay for. So I went to Antigua Guatemala, mostly to keep plugging away at my Spanish. Rented a place for a month, ended up staying there three years. And the love and romance part of this story, well, I'm getting to it. I ended up polishing off my Spanish by hiring a lady Spanish tutor. We'd meet every day at nine o'clock at a little outdoor cafe, and we'd talk, discuss things in Spanish only. And we'd go through the local newspaper, the classifieds. A great way to learn Spanish, if you ask me, I wasn't interested in learning how to write or conjugate Spanish sentences. No way, I just wanted to be able to communicate effectively in Spanish, face to face with people, that's it. So I told her right off the bat, no notebooks, don't write anything down, no homework reading assignments.

[05:33] Let's just talk and I'll try to absorb Spanish that way. And you know what, Johnny, after two months, it worked. So with one month of immersion in Shella and two months of daily private tutoring, my conversational Spanish was kicking in. That happened three years ago. Can you guess what happened next? She's been my steady girlfriend ever since. Yep, it was the gringo and the Spanish tutor, just like in the soap operas in Telly novellas. She's 30 something and I'm 50 something and it works out fine. But man, is she the jealous type. In fact, when I get together with my gringo buddies, some of whom also have Latino wives and girlfriends, we're always comparing jealousy stories. And the jealousy topper with me happened about two months ago. My girlfriend woke up one morning and I was downstairs in the kitchen. She came up to me with a real disturbed look on her face.

[06:22] She said I had a terrible dream last night, a nightmare, a pessadilla, that you were cheating on me with my girlfriend, Sarah. Well, I kind of knew what was going to happen next. Through no fault of my own, I was in the doghouse. For the rest of the day, I got the silent treatment and she didn't do her usual texting with her girlfriend, Sarah, for a couple of days either. I wonder how their next coffee clutch went down. Poor Sarah. So, Johnny, I can't say it's true with every Latina, but even in their dreams, if you're out of line or pull a gaff, you'll pay the piper. And I just chalk it up to the fact that Latinas are very superstitious. That, on top of that hyperactive gene for jealousy, I'm sure, you know, most of them have those little altars in their houses where they burn candles, put up pictures of deceased and sick relatives,

[07:10] along with statues of Jesus, Mary, and their favorite saints. Sometimes that little altar, which is in the corner of our bedroom, gives me the creeps. Thankfully, it's not a big thing, it's just not a small TV table-like stand, but visiting her mother and a couple of her aunt's houses, they have whole rooms dedicated to that stuff. Most of us gringles when we first see that stuff, it's a little weird and spooky. But it's not like they tend to those things daily. As for my girlfriend, it can go for months and she doesn't burn a single candle. Months of no activity at all. And all of a sudden, I'll walk in one day and it'll be six candles burning with a new photo of someone in a little frame that I've never seen before, usually a family member, a relative who's sick or in some kind of trouble. Then Milton says, so what do I have to say about that? What are my comments about that little altar?

[07:57] What do I say to my girlfriend? Well, Johnny, I keep my mouth shut. I think it's nutty but harmless, but part of their culture. I guess it must appear as nutty to us as a baseball card or Star Wars poster collection is to them. Oh, and by the way, there have been times when I've met the grocery store and my girlfriend sends me a list and part of it says pick up some candles, please. But they can't be just any candles, they must be white and long and skinny kind. Who knows why? I haven't asked her. I just know the fat, short, stubby ones just won't do. And if you think my girlfriend and her family might be a little excessive, you'd be wrong. Every grocery store in Little Corner Tienda and Mini Mart has a big stock of those candles. And again, they're always the skinny white ones. Oh, and just a little coda to this story, Johnny. My girlfriend hadn't burned a single candle

[08:44] in at least three months. Then came the day when she told me about that dream she had when I was cheating virtually with her girlfriend, Sarah. Well, that night after three months of no activity, there was a full compliment of candles burning on that little altar. Now, Johnny, if you're reading this on your show, I'm sure some of your listeners might think my girlfriend is some kind of bumpkin. I assure you, she's not. She's got a college degree in finance, which surely takes you out of the bumpkin category. That said, hope to run into you and have a coffee or coheba someday, signed, Milton, P.S. Getting the hell out of Dodge and moving to Guatemala was the best thing I ever did. Well, thanks for that, Milt. I know exactly what you're talking about. Every single Latina girlfriend I've had, either her or her mother, had one of those altars.

[09:31] And it's funny. It doesn't seem to matter how educated they are. Oh, and by the way, I can tell you, Latino guys don't buy into it at all. I've been in many homes of Latino bachelors living alone. And I've never seen an altar or a designated space for an altar. But in homes with Latino families, you'll see them all the time. Latino guys, they've got no say in it, though they don't seem to mind. The one caveat here, you know, Latin America is highly Christian, right? Mostly Catholic. And maybe 10% or 15% evangelical Christian. I understand with Latinos who are formerly Catholic and have converted to evangelical Christians, well, they're not supposed to have those altars because evangelicals reject having statues around. If you ever walked into one of their churches, you rarely see a statue of Jesus or Mary or saints.

[10:17] Most of them reject or just don't believe in that. But somehow even in evangelical homes, those little altars seem to prevail. Old habits die hard. So bottom line, all you male gringos and expats. If you do end up making a Latino of your dreams, make room in the house for that altar. Just let her have it. And if it doesn't match the decor, and it surely won't, don't buck it because it's a battle you won't win. Oh, and by the way, don't be embarrassed if you have gringle friends over and they spot it. If they're frequent visitors to Latin America, they'll have seen enough of them to understand. Though I know if you had one of those up in your home in Cleveland or New York, your buddies would laugh you out of town. Though I have to mention, one of my best buddies in junior high school up in Chicago was a guy named Johnny Gonzalez. First generation Mexican kid,

[11:04] his parents came over illegally, but settled in and got their legal residency. Anyway, they lived in a pretty nice house right across from the junior high. And I used to go over to his house every day and give him a guitar lesson. My little band at the time needed a bass player and he applied for the job. So I offered to teach him, but man, did he suck. Didn't work out. Anyway, that was the very first time I saw one of those altars in a person's house. Thought it was awful strange, even spooky. Here I was, a 12 or 13 year old kid and I'd never seen such a thing. Until about 25 years later, until I got invited into the homes of real Latinos in their home countries. Enough said about that. And now for something completely different, comes this email from Brad. He says, Hey, Johnny, getting killed in crypto today. Aside from that, just a request.

[11:51] You often talk about which countries to avoid, but rarely talk about your favorites except for Guatemala, El Salvador, Honduras, maybe. Panama is out because the canal might get bombed, right? By the way, I love and hate your show, as it should be. Regards, Bradley. All right, Brad hits on two topics there. First, I'd like to say as a plan C or D for people who have tons of money, or first world retirement money anyway, for people who want to be in a pretty much first world situation somewhere in Latin America, but off the gringo tourist trail. I'd recommend a couple places in Colombia. To me, being off the tourist trail is a must that where you're not treated like a dollar sign, a person to be gouged. So a Colombian plan C or D would be Medin or Bugaramanga Colombia.

[12:38] Ever heard of it? First of all, they're both in the Altiplano. So you've got perfect weather, no AC, no heating. Both are safe modern cities with over a million population, if you like that kind of density. But pretty much first world expensive, though you got that tremendous gringo advantage going for you because they're really off the gringo tourist trail. Except for the Pablo district in Medin, that's loaded with gringos in Europeans now. That's what's jacked up the prices there. In fact, in the good areas of Medin, you can't even buy a nice two bedroom apartment in a residential tower for under 250 grand. Now there are a couple of other Latin American countries and cities that I'd call a plan C and D too, but we're talking about Colombia today. We'll get to the others later. Though I feel Colombia's got two major drawbacks. Number one, they've got US bases there.

[13:25] Can't stand that. In fact, I've been in Bogota and Cartagena where I've seen US Marines jarheads. Gives me a sort of bad feeling inside. In fact, I believe Colombia's got four American bases. Not to mention Colombia's addicted to that war on drugs money. The trillions the US has pumped in over the last 30, 40 years. You remember that war on drugs, don't you? The war that we lost the day it was declared. Oh, and the second major thing I don't like about Colombia in general is that you can live nice in one of the big cities. Have an absolutely great style of life. But, and this is a big but, when you're driving between big cities out through the boonies, the notorious FARC. You know, FARC is still alive and well and kidnapping and extorting people. You read about that in the Colombian papers all the time,

[14:11] every single day in fact. So that means you just don't want to take a Sunday joy ride out in the countryside to get back to nature and account cows. Oh, and speaking of more reasons why I never want to live on the gringo tourist trail or in Mexico for that matter. Let me read some excerpts from an article that just came out this week. Entitled, families of travelers to Mexico are being targeted in kidnapping scams. As if we don't have enough reasons not to live, work, play and or do business in Mexico, scammers are calling US residents and claiming their loved ones have been kidnapped on vacation trips down to Mexico. The scammers of course are from Mexico and it's all about collecting ransom money. Turns out the FBI field offices are warning people not to give out any financial or personal information

[14:57] over the phone or WhatsApp nor your location over fake book, Twitter or post photos on Instagram or any social media sites. Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen. Data is showing that 500 such extortion calls a week are being made. So how are they doing it? Well, the scammers are scanning social media to search for people traveling in Mexico after they obtain their phone or WhatsApp number they call the families indicating their loved ones are in danger or were kidnapped. The callers then ask the victims to send money. Though the FBI said most of them are hoaxes many times the scammers are very convincing and the experience extremely traumatic for the victims especially since the scammers have their telephone spiel down to an art. All right, me, John here. What would you do

[15:43] if you had some friend or relative in Mexico and you received such a phone call? All right, that's the abridged version of that article. Now my take on it's kind of harsh. Well, you know, when I read and see things like this I have no sympathy for the people getting scammed. The way people post photos of every last meal and dump they've taken everything goes on social media. Everyone's a show off. The way they share their WhatsApp numbers with practically everyone shoot photos and brag about the sunsets and to loom and plaid El Carmen. The way they just give up their dad's email and GPS locations. People just love to show off. Don't they know by now everything ends up in the cloud, you know. Just begging to be dad of mine downloaded and stolen. You know, if you're an idiot and all over the internet and social media you're ripe to be scammed

[16:29] and I have zero sympathy for you. Even worse, everyone's adolescent and teenage kid are addicted to their phones and giving out all their info too. And parents let it happen or their kids whine. They let their idiot adolescent children make their rules. And even if they crack the whip on social media like any addiction the kids will find a way. They'll find a hack. As if we need another reason to stay out of Mexico. But it doesn't seem no matter how many scams, ripoffs and truly dangerous situations pop up for gringles and expats in Mexico. I still get emails every day from people saying but Johnny, I like Mexico. So go ahead, move, invest, live and play there. And when you send me that email much later in the game when shit happens I'll say it again. I've got zero sympathy for you.

[17:16] All right, now let's talk about the first part of Brad's email where he says, Johnny, I'm getting killed in crypto this week. Every time crypto takes a dump I get emails like that. And you know what? It really makes me laugh because you see everyone who got into Bitcoin or crypto more than a year ago now is still in the money. Often they're in the really big money. Oh, but you got so many winers out there, mostly newbies, who see a big drop like we just had and they get all shook up and panic sell. Meanwhile, everyone I know who just bought and held and sat on it like it was a long-term investment. Funny, but they've all got theses eating grins on their faces. But still every time there's a dump people want to hear my take on it. Well, for starters anyone who's been it at five years or longer

[18:02] has a completely different take on the crypto and Bitcoin situation than someone who just got in this year. I've seen dozens of massive ups and downs and they don't scare me a bit. The thing is us old g's in the space don't let ourselves get spooked because we got spooked in the early days 2013, 14, 17. We had our panicky moments and we wrote it out. The Wall Street pundits said it was dead a hundred times but then came the massive gains. Traditional investors in Wall Street completely lost out on. The thing is what you have to understand now is there's a slow but sure transfer of wealth going on and it's massive. The thing is if you're in the crypto space as a trader which I'm not. You know day traders your profit timelines a day a week or a month. Now to day traders short-term thinkers a big drop like this

[18:48] signals a bear market. That's how they make their money short-term. But you see for Bitcoin and crypto holders we're looking at a five even 10 year time horizon not weeks or months. And you have to look at trends. Global trends everyone on earth is moving toward a digital wallet being able to do everything on your smartphone. You can't buck that trend. That's why crypto and Bitcoin are 100% where the future is going. If you don't want to be part of it because it's too volatile for you well then you'll always be playing against the banks in Wall Street who fixed the game a long time ago. You'll probably always be treading water. But you can't ignore the fact that the cultural trend is countries are globalizing. You see if you live in a country where you don't trust the government and that's most countries, right? Well before Bitcoin and cryptocurrencies in order to preserve your capital

[19:34] you could buy land or gold but your government could always take it away or tax it away from you. Just think of all the terrible fiat currencies in the world the boulevard the peso the dinara the lampira the brazilian real some of them inflating at 50% a year. Huge countries like Argentina, Brazil Venezuela and Turkey who are economic basket cases. You know if they could but their governments won't let them they would switch to the US dollar in a second. Not realizing that the dollar is an inflating doomed fiat currency too. So everything's globalizing. The internet's globalizing information. English is becoming the globalized language and everything's going digital. And cryptos you can hand off person to person with just a swipe of your phone with almost no charges at all. Sure, cryptos volatile.

[20:20] Every new technology and business is very volatile. Look at Amazon. It's down 30% over its all-time high. So are people panicking and getting out? In 2005 you could have bought it for 32 bucks a share. That was a 50% drop from its all-time high in the year 2000. People would have said and did say you're nuts. You're buying that piece of trash. It's down 50% you idiot. And they don't even produce a product. They don't make anything. In 10 years it went up 100x from there. But very few got in because people don't have a long-term perspective. They're looking at things based on days and weeks. Not years. By the way during that 10-year span there was a time when Amazon dropped 90%. Well, you know Jeff Bezos, the second richest guy in the world was stupid enough not to sell his Amazon stock.

[21:06] And when fake book went public it dropped 60% and suck a turd he held. He didn't panic sell. You know the key to huge success in markets like crypto is to figure out the technology trend over the next 5 or 10 years. Where is tech going? That drives the world you know. All the smartest geeks and nerds I know are not getting useless MBAs with their sights set on Wall Street and banking finance. They're going into crypto. I say follow the geeks and the tech trends and you'll never go wrong. Sure, governments, politicians and the banksters will try to kill it. It's a huge threat to the existing system where banks and governments gouge the hell out of everyone. But it's too late. The genie's out of the bottle and it's gone global. The trick is buy the new emerging technology and hold. Don't look at it every hour of every day. It's going to be volatile.

[21:52] I say don't put the app on your smartphone that gives you a running tab of your crypto prices or you'll get spooked. The key is to buy and hold. Ask any crypto adopter who's been in it 5 years or more. But alas, 90% of newbies lose their money because they can't take the heat and they get out of the kitchen. When you're in a new technology you should never obsess over the short term. Unless your real job is actually being a day trader. But that's like 1 in 100. I've seen it so many times. Newbies get in, there's a big drop, they panic sell and suddenly some great news hits the wires and crypto's double overnight. But those people who panic sold just a few weeks earlier they'll never get back in. They panicked and sold and lost any money they could reinvest. Mostly because newbies just can't take the ups and downs.

[22:38] So what I say to people if you can't take the ups and downs you shouldn't be in crypto. But then again you'll never have a chance to make FU money. Because I'm thoroughly convinced in a short time frame Bitcoin's going to get 100 grand and then eventually it'll go to a half million bucks a coin even a million. Now this is not investment advice but man is it a fantastic buying opportunity now. I always tell people if you can just get one Bitcoin I know many people can't get one all at once. You could dollar cost average and accumulate one over a year or two. However the point is if you have one Bitcoin just one there'll come a time when you say that's the best investment move you ever made. Remember there's only going to be 21 million Bitcoins in existence and there are at least four or five million lost or unaccounted for. The thing is

[23:23] all the gringles and expats I know that have FU money did not try to time the market they just bought in hell. They didn't sweat panic or obsess over daily, weekly, even monthly moves. In fact everybody I know who's been in the crypto space at least five years says the biggest mistake they ever made was to flip back and forth between Bitcoin, altcoins the US dollar stablecoins and all that. They all tell me every last one of them they would have been much better off just buying holding and socking it away in a cold wallet somewhere a Trezor or Nano. But here's what I don't understand and remember I've been in this since 2013. People who invest a little bit with their II-rays etc. They're always looking for that magic 10% a year interest rate return which these days is almost impossible with US treasuries bonds

[24:08] CDs and savings accounts all hovering around a 1% per year rate of return a negative rate of return when you factor in inflation the only way you're going to get seven to ten percent is if you throw your money in the stock market at least that's the way it's been for the last couple of years but believe me that cannot last and I say for people who obsess about low rates of return all you have to do is buy some Bitcoin or Ethereum or Cardano and sock it away in a cold storage wallet then sit back a couple of years and wait you've got probably 80 to 90% probability that you're going to 100x your money something that would take you 50 even 100 years using traditional financial instruments I guess it's just that so many people are convinced by the negative press coming out of the banksters and the financial journals if you've noticed

[24:54] they're the absolute enemies of crypto but have you noticed they're getting into it too because their customers are demanding it I heard one guy say Bitcoin is to the banking system as Polaroid cameras were to the film developing business now I don't suppose too many of you remember Polaroid cameras where the picture just popped right out but if you do you remember what though was replaced, right? buying film cartridges and taking them to get developed and that took at least 24 hours and a trip back to pick them up in fact I remember way back when in Chicago they had little what they called photo mats in every big shopping center parking lot you'd drive right up give them your 35 millimeter rolls in film cartridges and you'd pick them up an idea or two and whether they were good bad or ugly you still had to pay for them ah yes I remember those little Kodak photo mats

[25:40] in fact one of my first girlfriends was a good looking photo mat girl I remember she'd show me all those choice x-rated shots so many idiots would take it home in their bedrooms never thinking how the photo mat girls passed him around for giggles oh and with the real wild ones they'd make duplicates one last thing about Bitcoin and crypto if you remember old Warren Buffett had an axiom of course I know he's an old dinosaur will never get into technology or crypto but he's had many general pearls of wisdom like he once said if you're not thinking of buying and holding an investment for 10 years then you shouldn't think of holding it for even 10 minutes and I think that's the way you should look at crypto you wouldn't buy a car a house a washing machine or a painting thinking to yourself if the price goes up and there's a shortage I'm gonna sell this in three months

[26:25] same thing with crypto don't panic don't stress just buy and hold and if you're not sure like a lot of people aren't sure about crypto because it is complicated if you're not a little tech savvy then you should just learn more about it there are tons of great free YouTube videos on the subject but still pulling the trigger for the very first time can be scary it was for me that's why I highly suggest you check out Captain Mango's crypto course for beginners yep you'll hold your hand through all those first steps so you won't make any mistakes and you'll know exactly what you're doing you'll feel comfortable about it by the time you're done