#1174 – Episode 1174: The Expat Files with Johnny Mueller – Procrastination, Healthcare, and Cultural Challenges

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] Now it's time to beat up on a few would-be expats. Expat gonna-be's wanna-be's and procrastinators probably won't like what I'm gonna say next. The question is, how long you been thinking about becoming an expat? How long you been procrastinating? What are your reasons for procrastinating? Is it just about getting the hell out of dodge or is procrastination your nature? You know, there used to be when I first started this show, a nice big window of opportunity to get the hell out of dodge. Lots of options. In fact, when I first started this show around 2010, 2011 now, you know, this show, The Expat Files, living in Latin America, is the longest continuously running podcast, talking exclusively about getting the hell out of dodge and moving to Latin America. Even back then, when we were talking about the 20 Latin American countries, in the early days, 2010, 2011, talking about the best picks for would-be expats,

[00:48] I personally disqualified more than 10 out of the 20. After all, I knew a little bit more than the average casual traveler to Latin America since I'd been living down here already at least 20 years. The majority of that time, well off the gringo tourist trail, and in various countries too. Now, it might surprise you to know that some of the earliest listeners to this show, some of the earliest expat, gonebeez and wannabees, they're still listening to the show, sending me occasional emails, checking in. Yep, they're still talking about getting their ducks lined up, getting their shit together and getting the hell out of dodge. For some of them, a lot of them, 10 plus years have gone by and they're still writing me from Boston, Cleveland, New York and Milwaukee, making imaginary plans for dreams that'll never come true. That said, here's my list of why 98% of Americans won't ever become expats,

[01:36] even if they say they will do so sooner or later. After we go through this list, think a while, which of these excuses pertain to you? So, look in the mirror and listen up. All right, here goes. In no particular order of importance, number one, you want to get out of dodge, but deep down, you care way too much about what friends and family would think. For example, you're sitting around with your buddies, having a few drinks or coffee clutching with the girls, and you bring up the fact that you just might want to get the hell out of dodge. And someone says, they inevitably say, what are you nuts? You want to leave the good old USA when every one of the world's uneducated poor are trying to get into this country? By the way, before the millennia, I'd say around 1990, when I first left myself,

[02:23] that age-old line was actually true. For me, around 1990 was the tipping point, when I knew the US was like the Titanic. It already hit the iceberg, was going down, but didn't know it yet. The second reason people just might want to get the hell out of dodge would never do is because they think the government and politicians are actually smarter than they are. They must be, right? Because they're in charge. They must know what they're doing. After all, the guys at the top have political science and law degrees. By the way, if I had a kid whose desire was to get a polycyra law degree, I wouldn't disown them. I'd just pack his bags, put them on the front porch, and change the locks on the house. Reason number three, white gonna bees and wannabes almost never pull the trigger. They think they need the government to survive. Hey, just look at how many people thought it was absolutely wonderful during the COVID thing to receive that free helicopter money.

[03:11] All it really did was make people even more dependent on those ass wipes in government. That was the plan, and it worked, right? The fourth reason why gonna bees and wannabes almost never become true expats is because they don't believe in themselves. They don't think they can do it. They don't think they'll be able to survive using their own intelligence and wits, which harks back to that government dependence thing. Number five, most people aren't creative thinkers. They need someone to push them along, someone to motivate them. They haven't got an internal motor. They need someone to be there for them all the time, and that scares them. They've never had to depend on themselves alone for solutions to their problems in life and business. They need someone else to wind up their motor. They always had someone else or something else like the government to lean on. And though they don't wanna be dependent on that,

[03:58] wanna break free when push comes to shove, they just can't do it. Number six, gonna bees and wannabes who never make it down, often it's because they don't prioritize their own health. Because by the time you got the resources and the financial capital get the hell out of Dodge, generally you're over 50. By then, if you're an American, you've got chronic health care problems already. You've heard it as saying five at 50. That's what American doctors are saying about people who hit 50. They're taking five prescription drugs by age 50. And naturally, that means they've been seeing their doctor and some specialists quite frequently in order to manage those problems, which makes many if not most of Americans over 50 addicted to the Big Pharma Hospital and Insurance Company Complex. And though they might wanna get the hell out of Dodge in a big way, they never do because deep down, they're brainwashed into thinking

[04:45] they'll never get that kind of care in a foreign country. Even though, according to CEO World Magazine's Healthcare Index, the report comes out every year. A statistical analysis of overall quality of healthcare systems throughout the world, including healthcare infrastructure, healthcare professionals, doctors, nursing staff, healthcare workers, treatment and medicine availability, and government readiness. The US ranks the lowest, 18th in healthcare. Amongst all first world developed countries. But people don't wanna hear that. They still think, especially if you ask the man on the street, which country has the best healthcare? The vast majority of people will say, why the US, of course. It's always sort of been a knee-jerk reaction. You ask anyone on the street about any country comparison statistic, and they'll always say US is number one.

[05:31] In almost everything that mattered. Wealth, health, freedom, GDP, income, finances. Though that was certainly true when you and I were kids. These days, most of those knee-jerk assumptions are totally false. Not even close to present reality. The US is not number one in anything except debt, money printing, military expenditures, malignant bureaucracy and government corruption. But you knew that already. All right, here's reason number seven. Why most gonna-be's and wanna-be's never get the hell out of dodge. They waste most of their free time online with stupid woke people. A big waste of free time when they could be doing something constructive. Number eight, they wish for things while sitting on their asses instead of making plans and working toward it. That's sort of like the previous point, but worth repeating.

[06:17] Number nine, they chase meaningless relationships and hang with time vampires and negative people. I know, I know. We all wanna jettison negative people and time vampires. I had plenty of those in my past life too. But you know, the easiest way to solve that problem completely is to get the hell out of dodge. Then they're gone. They're not on your radar anymore. Unless you're dumb enough to remain in contact with them on social media. Or come down here as an expat and start hanging around expat bars. That's where most of the expat time vampires and parasites hang. Gringo expat bars. But you knew that already too, right? Unfortunately, there's a ton of those places on all the gringo tourist trails. That's where newbie gringos and expats hang out when they first get down because they don't know anyone and they wanna connect. Nothing wrong with that, at least for a little while.

[07:04] But often, it becomes a pattern. It becomes addictive. But there are signs when you know you have to break that pattern. Like, for example, when people start recognizing you and calling out your name and the bartender sets up your drink before you even sit down on your favorite stool. I've watched that happen to newbie gringos many times. It's a bad sign. Number 10. Seems like expat gonna bees and wanna bees who never pull the trigger waste endless energy on mindless YouTube's Netflix shows and waste endless hours scrolling through social media. Number 11. Most gonna bees and wanna bees who never make it down. They follow US politics intensely and vote in every election and actually think that vote counts. Which means in the end, they really believe the US political system works. And if they haven't figured out by now it's a total fraud, then, well, we really don't need you down here as a permanent expat.

[07:51] However, you will fit right in if you land smack dab on the tourist trail. Like, for example, Costa Rica, Playa del Carmen, Cancun, Ecuador, Panama, Medi in Colombia, and every other place the gringos are piling in. Alright, reason number 12. Gonna bees and wanna bees never pull the trigger. They think that karma exists and bad people will get theirs in the end. So, eventually, bad players in the US will be fleshed out and the good ones will walk in. Well, it seems that way sometimes, doesn't it? Lots of classic stories push that premise, including the Bible. Same reason why people keep going to Vegas or playing the lottery, even though you've got about a million to one chance to win any kind of substantial cue money. One thing you learn early in life if you have half a brain is that life ain't fair. Every long-term gringo expat I know will tell you it's true.

[08:38] As soon as they figure out they've got that gringo advantage going for them, some invisible force, the gringo advantage, has tipped the scales in their favor. When you say life ain't fair, it goes both ways. When the scales are tipped in your favor, sure, it's not fair. But come on, you'd be crazy to knock it. Reason number 13. Gonna bees and wanna bees procrastinate and procrastinate and almost never end up coming down. They still somehow believe in the back of their mind that the USA is God's chosen special country and will pull out of whatever mess it's gotten itself into. Of course, that's the same line people of all failed empires believed about their particular situation when they were on top. The British, the Spanish, the Greeks, Romans, Aztecs, Mayans, Incas, Spartans, Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan. If you read their histories, in their own words, they all thought that too.

[09:26] As their empires went down the tubes to the bitter end, they all thought some leader or some general would emerge like a savior, a Napoleon, to pull him out of it. Even the most despotic regimes believed that. The ones that didn't much believe in a god that would pull him through. The Stalinists, the Maoists, the Marxists, Hitler and the Third Reich. They all thought they were special and chosen and their empire would last a thousand years. In the greater scheme of things, no one's special. No one here gets out alive. People are so ignorant of history. The other day I was talking to a 28 year old kid here, a backpacker sitting next to me at an outdoor cafe. We got to talking a bit. Then the subject of government cover-ups, collusion and conspiracy theories came up. I mentioned JFK. And to my complete amazement, he did not know what JFK stood for. But I understood why when he told me his degree was in communications.

[10:15] Oh, and then I quizzed him about FDR. He didn't know what that stood for either. You know, things like that make me so glad I moved to Latin America. By the way, this 28 year old kid was absolutely ecstatic when it came to Obama. He was a dyed-in-the-wool Obama kiss-ass who, up to this point anyway, he was a little bit sour on Biden. Though he said for sure he'd vote for him again because of two things. That $10,000 student loan forgiveness thing. And the promise of more helicopter money. He said, where do you think I got the dough to backpack around Latin America? The stimmy checks, he said. He's got no real expenses because he's living at home with mom and dad. Oh, and he said he's got $55,000 bucks in student debt. Minus 10 G's now and whatever gifts the Democrats give out before election time. Hmm, what a world you expat gonna bees and wanna bees live in.

[11:04] I'm so glad I'm a couple of thousand kilometers from that cesspool. But I digress as usual. Anyway, that's the state of American 20-somethings. They've got college degrees and don't know who FDR or JFK was. But they all know and love Che, Nelson Mandela, and worship at the altar of that criminal O vomit. By the way, that 28-year-old backpacker had a Che t-shirt on. And when I asked him if he knew about all the atrocities that Che committed, including that the regime Che Guevara co-founded with Castro is the only regime in modern history in the Western Hemisphere to have herded gays into forced labor camps. I mentioned to him that I thought it was so ironic. All those rock and roll bands praising Che like Rage Against the Machine,

[11:50] Carlos Santana, who wears a Che hat and t-shirt on stage. They eulogized the guy. Good old Che. The emblem of a regime that made it a criminal offense to listen to rock and roll. You know, in Cuba. In the Castro days, if they caught you listening to rock music from the states or Europe, it was a criminal offense and you'd end up in the booties cutting sugar cane, relocated to crappier digs or worse. And of course, they destroy or take away your record player or radio. Then I said, you know, by the way, you could check out Che Guevara's own diary. It's on the internet. He wrote of the blacks living in Caracas, Venezuela, calling them, quote, those magnificent examples of the African race who have maintained their racial purity thanks to their lack of an affinity with bathing.

[12:37] I told that young backpacker with a Che t-shirt, look it up. Just go to your search engine and put in five inconvenient truths about Che. But my backpacker buddy didn't seem that interested. Meanwhile, you've got all these college kids thinking Che was a handsome, sexy, hip, brainy revolutionary who sought freedom and equality for his people. A Hispanic Robin Hood, a martyr that sacrificed himself for others, a tragic symbol of the righteous rebellion in Cuba. I said to that woke backpacker that Che was the worst anti-LGBTQ person you can imagine. He called gay men perverts. You can see that in his diary. He locked him up in camps, tortured him and forced him to work in areas that had signs that said in big letters, work will make you men.

[13:24] He was a raging hypocrite. You can look all that stuff up. But you know what? The backpacker kid had already tuned me out. And then I said to him, well, look, if you don't believe me, give me your phone. I'll do a search on it right now and prove it to you. And if you think that's fake news, I think that's probably what you're going to say, right? Che's diary and writings were from the 1950s, when the term fake news wasn't even a figment of anyone's imagination yet. More than 50 years later, it entered lexicon. And that educated 28-year-old backpacker guy with a communications degree? He just changed the subject, didn't want to hear about it anymore. Oh, and I forgot to tell you, this guy had so many tattoos on his arms. He looked like he'd been rolling around on a pile of wet comic books. Remember we used to do that with Silly Putty?

[14:10] Stick it on a comic in the Sunday Funnies and it would transfer onto it? Silly Putty, yeah, I think they took it off the market because too many kids swallowed this stuff. Speaking of stupid things kids do, my next door neighbor, name was Phil. I remember he swallowed one of those mini super balls and they had to take him to the emergency room. He passed it though, at least I think so. That kid would eat anything. He swallowed pennies, marbles, guitar picks. He ate his babysitter's lipstick, not the case, just a lipstick. Fingers and teeth all bright red, I remember that. Once he even swallowed a jack. Ouch, those things are spiky. Wonder if he's still alive, probably not. Or maybe he volunteered for one of those Pfizer trials, a Pfizer guinea pig. Perfect test subject. Funny thing you know, when I was in undergrad, engineering school,

[14:57] I'd walk past the campus of medicine and biology. There'd be a big bulletin board off the student union. There'd be all kinds of grade postings, things for sale and sign up sheets for drug testing and medical and psychological testing too. They were always looking for test subjects, guinea pigs, and you got paid to do it too. The biological science and research departments would pay you 10, 20, 50, 100 bucks to be a guinea pig for all kinds of different tests. A lot of them involving injections and periodic blood tests. I knew a few guys who signed up for that stuff. It was easy money, just go in and get jabbed. And or you drink something and they slap electrodes on you, plop you in front of a keyboard, a screen, with a joystick, test your responses and reflexes. Lucky I played in a band on weekends, made a few bucks.

[15:44] I never was that desperate, but some people were. After all, how do you think they do all these drug trials you read about? The second phase after the animal trials, the human trials, that is. You got to have volunteers, people who have signed up under their own free will. Of course, we know now from leaked documents, that's not always the case. In the past, even closer to the present, they'd use kids in asylums, orphanages, military recruits, anyway, another big reason to hate your government. But I digress as usual. Sorry about that. Anyway, I just wanted to read that little list there to call out. Are you going to be some wannabes that are never really going to make it down here? No matter how much you listen to this program or send me emails or how many expat blogs or YouTube's Japanese. I understand it's tough dropping your previous life completely and coming on down and starting a new one, but hey, you only live once.

[16:29] And the thing about getting old is someday you're going to sit down and talk to somebody or maybe talk to yourself about the amazing things that happened to you in your life, things you've done, and the regrets you've had. And when you talk to smart old geezers about that kind of stuff, they'll tell you there's two kinds of regrets. Number one, regret for things you've done. And number two, regrets for things you didn't do. And for every geezer I've ever spoken to, when we hit on that subject, he or she has told me their biggest regrets were the things they wanted to do but never did. And regrets for things that they actually did do, even if they were somewhat nasty or despicable. We're far down on the list. Either way, the fact is your window of opportunity for getting the hell out of dodge is closing. As for now, you can pretty much get the hell out of dodge anytime you want,

[17:16] but you're definitely going to have a higher time getting any assets out of the country because that's the hardest part. Getting yourself bodily out of the country is easy, at least for now. But try getting your dough, or your gold, or your guns out of the country. I could tell you stories, recent stories, that would scare the hell out of you. So my suggestions for all you gunabes and wannabes who have not pulled the trigger yet, but keep on promising yourself, you're going to do it? At least get down and get your network going. Get a foot in a Latin American country. Meet some people, the right people, a good lawyer first. Get a bank account, you'll need your lawyer for that. Check out rentals, doctors, hospitals, and health insurance plans. At least establish that little network here in Latin America, so when things finally reach a breaking point in Cleveland or Milwaukee, wherever, you don't panic, you don't freak out. You've got a plan.

[18:02] You get your bug out bag and head out. I know you've heard this before, but apparently for so many of you, it's not sinking in. Just saying. The best way to get started on that, you know, is to come down to one of my expat insider seminars and get a two to five year head start on that plan B. You'll get yourself an instant, proven network you could lean on. Bypass the usual gringle greenhorn BS and get on the correct path right away. Remember, I've got an expat insider seminar coming up in November 2022, just a couple months away. For all the info and sign up information, just go to expatplanb.com. And remember, if you sign up by September 15th, you get in on the early bird discounts, you save 500 bucks. And for all you past expat insider seminar attendees, you know who you are. If you become repeat offenders, you get $1,000 off the early bird discount price.

[18:48] All right, moving on. You know, last show I was talking about mating, dating, love and romance in Latin America. The whole show was all about that. And I, as usual, ran out of time and I couldn't get to the last little bit. I was trying to get to one last very interesting email. There was just not enough time. So we'll do it now. Get ready for this because I'm sure some of the things he mentions will shock and surprise you. This is from Josh and he entitles his little rant. What I don't like about my Latina girlfriend. Now there is a grabber of an intro if I ever heard one. He says, Johnny, long time listener. I've been living in Guatemala City for four years. You can read this on the air, but no real names, please. He says, Johnny, in the last four years, I've dated probably seven different Latinas.

[19:34] Finally, in the last eight months or so, I believe I've found the girl of my dreams. Dating gets to be hard work and eventually you just have to settle down. But as human nature goes, nothing's perfect. No relationship is either. There are always compromises. You have to remain tolerant. That's why in lieu of the fact that sometimes you talk about mating and dating and romance in Latin America, I thought I'd list the common grievances I've had with practically every one of my seven girlfriends, including the girl I'm with now, the Latina of my dreams. And I believe almost every gringo in Latin America who's gone out with a Latina will relate to most of these things. And if you don't speak Spanish, your list will be much bigger, I'm sure. Then he says, first off, Latinas play their music way too loud. So loud that most times you're at a house or sitting at a table or in a car,

[20:22] you can't understand what anyone else is talking about. And Johnny, I should add, I'm 41. Divorce, no kids, and Latina of my dreams is 27. And as a kid, I have some complaints about that, but that's a different theme altogether. Anyhow, about the music. They all have their favorite songs like we all do, and they'll play theirs over and over again. You'll hear that same song a hundred times in one week. She'll know all the words and occasionally sing along. Some of those songs will have personal meaning to her. She'll say things like, this song is my song, or this song is how I feel about you. So listen carefully, or this is our relationship, or this is how I feel about my mother, or my sister, or my friends. Then she'll look me straight in the face and sing the verse that's most pertinent to her,

[21:09] pumping up the volume in that verse. Oh, and she can't hold a tune, and that bugs me too. You either have good pitch, or you don't, and she doesn't. I don't have good pitch either, but I don't let the whole world know. Though I imagine lots of people who have terrible pitch don't know it. Just check out the local karaoke bar. Anyhow, when the pertinent verse comes, she turns and sings it to me. As if I understand what it means. Now, my Spanish is about 80%. Just fine for day-to-day conversation. But that doesn't mean shit. Your Spanish could be a hundred percent, and you won't understand half of the lyrics in the songs. I can't understand half the lyrics in English songs. And when I tell her I don't understand the words, she'll go to YouTube on her phone. There'll be a karaoke version in English. She'll do that a lot like I really care. I could give a shit. But she is my girl, and I have to keep things rolling smoothly so I play along.

[21:58] You have to picture this, Johnny. It's really funny. We'll be in the car. The music's blasting. Suddenly, the important phrase comes. She gets in my face and sings it really loud to me. Smiling, of course. And I'll just nod and smile like I give a damn, even though I didn't understand a single word. Can you relate, Johnny? Complaint number two. Latinas love to dance, so she drags me to discos and clubs a few times a month for sure. I just hate to go on a dance floor because I don't like dancing. So then, she dances with her girlfriends, and every guy walks up and tries to hit on her and get her to dance, too. Can you relate, Johnny? Complaint number three. She takes about an hour or so to get ready. Just to go to a Walmart. Should I be complaining about that? Maybe not. Complaint number four.

[22:43] She drags me to Sunday dinners at the folks' house in the Pueblo. It's nothing but pure, boring torture. When I'm around her extended family in the Pueblo, I always feel like I'm on display. They're all so pleased that their daughter hooked a gringo. Number five. She drags me to church. I get out of it most times, but she does press and press on the subject. Related to that is the fact she has a little altar table set up in the dining room. And when she's worried about something or stressed, she lights a bunch of candles. Weeks can go by when she doesn't, but when she does, I know she's worried about something. Someone's sick or having boyfriend, girlfriend, or marriage trouble. But when I ask her, she almost never comes out and tells me what it's about. That might be part of the process.

[23:29] Number six. Let me tell you about her girlfriend. She has two or three good friends who drop in at the house sometimes. And because I'm a gringo with a really nice apartment, it's well stocked and they help themselves. Not always, but I can expect when they come over on weekends, I'll be the guy paying for the pizzas and the carryout. Where she had to throw a good looking 20 and 30 something girls with boyfriends, and they'll bring their ratty boyfriends over. Talk about dead boring conversation. You think any one of them would bring a six pack or a bottle of wine? Not a chance. When I have that discussion that her friends, or at least the boyfriends of her friends, are freeloaders. She gets a bit sad and depressed and accuses me of not liking her friends. I tell her that's not true, but I'm lying. I don't much like her friends. They're dead boring. Number seven. Back to the music thing. Say it's a Friday or Saturday night.

[24:16] We're sitting in a living room having a bottle of wine with one or two of her girlfriends and their boyfriends. And they're just blasting out with that terrible ragathon music. What they do is have YouTube on one of their phones and they pass it around after each song. Each one gets to pick. And what gets to be my turn? I put on classic rock or something in English. And I become an absolute killjoy. It's apparent they just can't wait for the song to be over. So they can put on that trashy ragathon. So you know what I do? I just skip my turn and pass it on to the next person. Though it is true. They're not always boring though. Sometimes having a bunch of live wire Latinas and Latinos over can be fun. They really do like to party, tell stories, and just sing along with the songs and break into a dance. Man, can they dance. I'll tell you what I do though, Johnny. I buy good wine and stash it. Put cheap quarts of beer in the fridge

[25:02] because I know what's going to happen when a company comes over. Complaint number eight. If I don't take care of the bills in the house, the internet, the electric, the water bill, suddenly you'll come home and those things will be shut off. The same things happen to me with the three Latinas I ended up living with. It doesn't seem to bother them at all when the internet goes out for nonpayment. Phone service and electric too. Which of course I pay for but I can never give that responsibility of actually going down and paying the bill to her because if I do, I'm taking a chance. Because I know sooner or later, I'm going to get cut off. That's really aggravating. But to Latinos and Latinas, it's just a part of life. It's part of that manana time thing. The first few times it happened, I'd get really pissed off and she'd say, don't get mad. Just pay it and it'll come right back on. Johnny, here's my final and probably strangest kaha complaint.

[25:51] My present girlfriend, in fact, all Latina girlfriends that I've had insist that I shave my pubes. So after my first few girlfriends, it became part of my routine. But at first, the conversation was a bit embarrassing. Didn't take me long to realize every Latina under 45 will insist. Of course, they're into being ultra smooth too. Like the song says, the things we do for love. Oh, Johnny, one more thing. As soon as you get serious with a Latina, she'll go through your closet and throw out all the clothes she doesn't like. She'll take you shopping and dress you the way she thinks you should be dressed. That means if you have a favorite pair of shoes, sandals, pants, Zeppelin or thin Lizzie t-shirt, you can kiss them goodbye. They'll end up in the dumpster. And the clothes she buys for you, you're not going to like some of them.

[26:37] Especially those skinny stretch jeans. Can't stand those things. No breathing room at all. Oh, well, that's all I've got in the closet. That's it. There is my complaint list, Johnny. Does it ring a bell? Well, Josh, thanks for that. I think you missed a few on that list. But you got the basics down, that's for sure. Especially those skinny jeans. I can't stand those damn things either.