#1454 – Expat Files: Love, Lies, and Latino Life

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started today Let's start in with what seems like everyone's favorite subject love sex romance, etc in Latin America funny I get more emails about that subject than almost anything else which sort of means to me That's time someone does a dedicated podcast simply devoted to that delicate subject though

[00:50] It's quickly turning into an indelicate subject. Anyway, it needs its own podcast Don't you think but until someone goes ahead and does it get serious about it? We'll throw in a little bit of that here and there on this show First comes this email from Glenn an expat living in Medellin, Colombia He says Johnny. I've noticed Latina's really like a man in uniform in the States It wasn't much the case at all when I was a kid Vietnam and all that a lot of hate and protest stuff Soldiers were not respected or loved they were sort of reviled In fact, he says I remember some vets coming back home in Cincinnati and getting spit at when on parade by hippies Then of course came 9-11 the Gulf Wars and suddenly men in uniform are cool again The whole thing did a kind of reversal proving to me at least that women are easily fooled

[01:39] They love a guy in uniform hate a guy in uniform You never know another of the advantages or tricks of youth When you're young a teenager or 20 something, you don't own any stock in anything You don't owe much at all young guys will most likely have more good times than are legally allowed Why not? They've got nothing to lose and all the grief and troubles in life Shouldered by the more mature over 30 crowd. That's why only young fools eagerly sign on for service when war is imminent Young guys own nothing and thus have nothing to lose and every young man knows a woman likes a man in uniform That's the rumor anyway, and certainly true in Latin America I guess that's because he always looks clean shined and polished a state almost unknown to adolescent boys and men who aren't in the service

[02:27] The trick is Johnny and I know this for myself because I was an ROTC guy the armed services Take a scruffy guy and make him vastly more presentable to women through no fault of his own I just don't get how easily young women who are normally quite discerning are so easily fooled By the way, Johnny, I went the way of ROTC Lots of guys going to the reserves or National Guard to get the government to pay for medical school dental school law school, etc That's a completely different thing than signing up because it's a license to kill people and yell hoorah When you run into your special buddies at a bar or a pool hall Hey, but it's my contention if you got no career and nothing going for you If you go into the service at least you'll come out with some discipline Glenn says in my case Johnny, I've been living in Medellin for three years now

[03:17] I finally found true love after some false starts with a few chapiadores Golddiggers chappies. He says at 64. I finally think I figured out women a bit Wish I'd known as much 45 years ago After two bad marriages a couple of hundred thousand dollars in alimony payments the loss of two houses Took a while, but I finally learned a few things about American women The crazy thing is he says there are so many books and podcasts on the subject of what do women really want? That is what two American women really want because in Latin America, they don't write books about that kind of stuff It's easy American women do not want the average guy only the top 10 They get all the hits on the dating man

[04:03] The rest of those schmucks are stuck in their basements with video games and porn One thing I do know is American women like guys with shredded bodies But man, the average guy just can't do that It takes a hell of a lot of work determination and time by the way, johnny for a while I had a gym membership in ohio and I decided I wanted to set up a little gym in my home So I asked my trainer What's the best all-round machine to buy if I want to attract a woman? He pointed around the corner to the atm machine Man was he spot on All right. Thanks for that glenn. I hope you have better luck with your columbian girlfriend Though medellin's reputation for nice grounded beautiful women is no longer what it used to be The medellin dating and mating scene has taken a big hit. Oh, the girls are beautiful. All right, but look out

[04:51] Just a little word of warning here Seems like from what i've been hearing anyway, and i've been to medellin a number of times The place has got such a reputation for beautiful women of all socioeconomic classes that the gringos are piling in Looking to have some fun and hopefully Snagging a young sophia vergata as a permanent catch But predictably that scene has caused lots of the ladies probably most of them to become very jaded Most gringos. I know who've been to medellin looking for the woman of their dreams have been disappointed in the end It's almost an impossible exercise finding a beautiful young unjaded grounded latina in medellin columbia Oh, it's a fantastic place to go down for a week or two and have some great fun But don't expect to find a lifelong beauty queen girl of your dreams who loves you simply for your magnetism and great personality

[05:41] On top of that gringo expat tourists and visitors to medellin are not welcomed with open arms by The average salt of the earth working columbia unlike they once were It seems like most all locals in medellin have figured out that gringos and expats are coming down for the women And they don't much like it Yep, we've been stereotyped and not in a good way and that does not bode well for the reputation of gringos and expats One of the biggest problems is that 99.9 percent of gringos and expats who come down to columbia Will find those girls on the dating and cupid sites and those dating and hookup sites pure minefields of deceit and gold digging So even if a gringo or expat goes on those cupid dating sites with the best of intentions You know looking for a beautiful good girl for a long-term relationship

[06:27] There's a very slim chance. He's gonna find a good girl right off the bat But with all those filters and ai prompts many many of them sound like they're good girls Like our previous emailer glen says he and his wallet had to suffer through a couple of gold diggers Until he stumbled on the girl of his dream who for all we know could still be a gold digger It's all a matter of degrees For example, and we haven't spoken about this for a long time high maintenance girl. Yep They exist everywhere in every culture. There's a huge difference in terminology though in the united states high maintenance Well, we all know what that is High maintenance u.s style then there's high maintenance latina style which when seen by the average american Seems like very very low maintenance indeed The problem is as gringos keep piling into certain areas in latin america like costa rica

[07:17] medin colombia etc Just as the price of real estate goes up proportionately in those ever gringoized areas They bring their american standards of high maintenance with them So latinas in gringoized areas keep pushing on the envelope because they know they can Still to gringo's and expats used to a different kind of high maintenance up in the states They accept the latin american version of high maintenance because it's still much lower than up in the states But in the end who's the cause for that higher and higher maintenance? It's the gringos themselves, of course For example down here in latin america when one of the locals sees a beautiful latina Pull up to a gym or health club where she's a member in a decent Unblemished used car. Let's say a three-year-old Honda civic in very nice condition You'll hear the average latino guy especially say look out for her. She's out of my league. She's high maintenance

[08:07] Look out now you and I know a beautiful girl up in the states with a gym membership driving a decent used car Would never be pegged as high maintenance Though I have to say one of the things is setting higher and higher standards and expectations ever so slowly raised in the bar Is unfortunately tick tock and instagram since just like up in the states Gen y and gen z gringas are addicted to instagram and tick tock Same here in latin america. Most latinas under 35 are addicted to instagram and tick tock as well And of course, those are the places young girls like to show off and display all the things they've accumulated the trips The jewelry the cars even if it's mostly fake The ladies on tick tock and their lifestyles are forever driving up expectations

[08:53] Now since I personally don't have the instacrap or dick cock apps on my phone I don't get to see much of that stuff at all and I don't want to but my own girlfriend and other latinos and latinas Even gringos and expats here are always looking at that stuff And when they find something truly interesting they'll say johnny look at this And they'll send me a link on my phone and it won't open unless I download the app, which I won't do But you know every once in a while, there's a super funny or super interesting tick tock reel That my girlfriend or friends will show me on their phone So I can see why it's so addicting And since I've got sort of an addictive personality myself in some ways That's why I won't download the apps and that's why even though some people say i'm sort of a nerd I never got into gaming either because I know I have an addictive personality. What's that mean?

[09:40] Well to me, it means once I latch onto something I just take it to the limit You know lots of engineers and scientific types. I like that That's how nerds and geeks are able to sit in their basements for months at a time Working on projects and inventions and software, etc, etc Ignoring the outside world. Ah for the good old days adrenaline pizza coca-cola and about a month in the basement That's all you needed to create a million dollar app I've got a lot of nerd and engineering buddies who've been through that And most of them are rich because of it. Yep when pointed in the right direction obsessive and addictive personalities can do marvelous things Anyway down here in latin america the big problem with instagram and tick tock Is that most of the girls who get millions of hits on tick tock? Are extreme gold diggers showing up their cars their jewelry their trips their clothes their surgeries and just lately

[10:31] There's lots of girls on tick tock with their boyfriends in the background somewhere playing house in a nice spectacular kitchen A kind of happy smiley homey togetherness video where the tick tock girl shows what a great meal She's preparing for her boyfriend and the expensive wine or champagne they're drinking The latest fad is for that tick tock latina girl to show all the special things She's done for her boyfriend that she's a great all-round handy sexy homemaker too and get this most of the time It's a gringo boyfriend a guy from the states canada euro in the background and those little 30 second videos are getting millions of views So your average latinas are seeing all the things you can have if your boyfriend's gringo or european

[11:16] Which again plants the seed in the mind of every latina that the easy way to the good life Is to hook yourself a gringo expat though? I can't help think since a lot of these videos are staged You've heard the stories a hot chick will go down to a ferrari dealership and take a video sitting on the hood Anyway, I can't help thinking with all the fake and staged videos out there What those girls on tick tock are really doing is marketing themselves showing the world what a great girlfriend she could be Super attentive handy around the house sexy loving and leave make dinner for you Anyway, I can't help but think that most of these girls on tick tock the ones that aren't just on their shake and their asses That is I can't help but think those girls are actually trolling for gringo boyfriends drumming up interest for the guys who are watching though

[12:02] Unfortunately as mentioned all that really does is plant the seed in the mind of latinas That their version of high maintenance might not be that high at all And to achieve that beautiful glorious life as depicted in tick tock video Well, you gotta hook a gringo to make that possible Anyway, just some thoughts on the state of high and low maintenance in the us versus here in latin america Unfortunately because of instagram and tick tock the gap is closing All right on the subject of gringa girlfriends versus latina girlfriends comes this email from clide You know, I don't think that's his real name who would name their kid clide? Well take that back he's originally from tennessee he says johnny I've tried dating many american women, but somehow it always goes badly Maybe it's me. He says it always starts happily along

[12:51] But after a couple of months or so The relationship kind of stagnates settles in gets boring and something else always becomes more important to her facebook instagram her friends the girls in her yoga or pilates class He says i'm 56 years old. I've got my plan b in action We'll be heading to guatemala by the end of the year He says i'm hoping johnny that the women in latin america are a little less complicated And more homebound than american women. He says i'm not saying there's anything innately wrong with american women It's just that i've never found a way yet To return an american woman back to her factory settings Where is that reset button? I don't think he's talking about the g spot here He's talking about that factory reset button

[13:37] I suppose though in a few years with ai sex robots That will be standard equipment. Not an option Signed almost expat clige Well clide thanks for that and I get your question. I hear it all the time clide Maybe you're just looking for a bad girl lots of them out there, you know Anyway, people say to me I get the feeling that latinas are a lot less complicated than american girls. I hope it's true Well, the answer is yes Yes And yes, though as mentioned earlier the more modernized latin america become the more addicted to social media cell phones, etc The higher a latina lady's expectation which complicates things though. I have to mention something i've discovered along the way Turns out if you're dealing with a pretty stable level-headed latina Anyway, i'm talking about city girls now something happens when they hit around 30 to 35 years old

[14:27] Seems like almost all the ones i've met just quit having the desire to go out every weekend to go dancing Even though they love dancing and they'll just bust a move at any time even in a grocery store if their favorite song comes out The thing is somehow and it's a good thing when latina hits 30 or 35 She'll just naturally bug out of the disco and party scene I'm talking about if you're get a nice level-headed good girl now. Oh, but don't worry She won't become a couch potato or slouch out on you latinas are very much into looking good They're in constant competition with each other dressing sharp and remaining sexy even if you're not going out that night She'll meet you at the door as if you did have a big night plan That's what i've found anyway, which also means beware If your latina girlfriend or better half does sort of become a slacker around the house a definite sign something's going on

[15:20] Something ain't right. I repeat latinas of all ages man. They're in stiff competition with each other. Yep It's a beautiful thing That's certainly why you hear so many young gringa tourists bad-mouthed thing and talking dirt About that table across the way at the restaurant full of hot looking latina Man, I overhear that kind of talk from visiting gringas gringas on vacation all the time Oh, they like coming to latin america on vacation and to visit and such but they don't like the sexy latina competition In fact, there's a common sort of personal complaint. I hear gringas say to each other with some frequency They say things like have a look over there at that table six o'clock You know if I dress like that up in chicago or cleveland or jersey, they'd call me a slut Yeah, i've heard gringas say that softly to each other not out loud

[16:07] But loud enough for me to over here But you know, like I said latinas are always in competition with each other not that gringas aren't It's just that they're more subtle about it, but gringas seem to be definitely more caddy Remember i've got three good-looking sisters and they all sharpen their claws at night The irony is i've known lots and lots of latinas and they all seem to have nice things to say about gringas They see on the street or in bars or in restaurants, whatever. They don't cut up on them They give them compliments. It is kind of strange americans will come down to latin america and cut up on latin ladies Meanwhile latinas are praising up the gringas. Yep, for sure. It's part of that gringo slash gringo wannabe thing But man, i'll tell you guys We're just not like that Sure enough. We'll make fun of other guys at bars restaurants clubs, whatever

[16:55] But the thing is the field is open. We'll cut up on anyone any age any height any weight We'll spot a defect and cut up on anyone but latinas i'll tell you they're just not like that Oh i'm sure they'll cut up on each other once in a while, but they'll leave the gringas alone Now you might say johnny. What are you talking about? You're always cutting up on latin guys You call them wife beaters womanizers deadbeat dads Well, yeah guilty as charged, but you know if gringos and expats had those defects I certainly wouldn't let that slide. I wouldn't give them a pass. You might say i'm an equal opportunity asshole All right, let's carry on. Here's an email from clara. She says johnny You're right about how nice it is to live off the gringo tourist trail I've been off trail now four years myself living in that nice college town chichi castanango

[17:42] Otherwise known as chichi in northern guatemala. She says yes living off the trail is certainly nice However, I do admit sometimes I miss american rudeness Latins are just so damn nice. Love the show sign clara p.s. If you're ever up my way i'll buy you a cup of coffee Well clara, thanks for that and thanks for the offer But you know speaking of how kind and nice latin americans are compared to americans There's a double edged sword there You should know about if you happen to be rude or nasty or rebel latin american the wrong way somehow They won't appear to be irritated. They won't scold you They won't show their disdain with a nasty look on their face. Nope, they'll take it and stride They won't want to make a scene in public, but they'll never forget. That's why you hear so many stories about cleaning ladies Maintenance guys bodyguards, etc stealing from their boss their patron or patrona

[18:31] That's why when asked my advice. I always say if you're cleaning lady maintenance guy, whatever makes a mistake Screws up doesn't show up on time. Whatever that will happen You can call him out But never in front of anyone and never never treat him like second-class citizen treat him nice and fair and they don't respect you In fact, i'll never forget what my long-time maintenance guy chepe once said to me. I said chepe Have you ever worked for a gringo before? Yeah, he said some years ago I worked for a belgian lady who had a finca farm. He said she was so nice. He'd have done anything for I said, yeah. Well, what do you mean? He said she was really special once in a while. He said She would invite me and the maid to sit at the kitchen table and have lunch with her And that was it that was the reason he would do anything for her because I found out later latino and latina bosses

[19:19] You know the man and woman of the house the patron patrona They would never share a meal at the same table with their help And just the act of this belgian lady doing that once in a while with chepe Put her in his mind up on a pedestal forever Oh, and he said he worked for her for five years and she always paid him on time another great stupendous feat here in latin America paying your help on time Of course, I said what happened? Why aren't you working for her anymore? Well, she died Otherwise he'd still be eating lunch with her once in a while. Anyway simple strokes for simple folks, right? It's the small things that stick with people. All right next an email from peter in las vegas He says johnny you've been all over the world. What's your definition of a shithole country? Hmm peter, you know, that's an easy one

[20:08] I don't need to analyze gdp or talk about wages National debt crime statistics none of that though. That's what armchair social and political hacks like to do They get government grants and write books on that shit that no one reads To me. It's simple a shithole country will have all five of the following qualities number one It's a country that allows chickens and farm animals on buses Number two. It's a country that'll let you run red lights and stop signs with no real fear of reprisal Number three a shithole country is a country that's got the occasional missing manhole cover on busy streets Number four a shithole country is a country where you'll often see three four and five people on a single motorcycle including cops And finally number five a shithole country is one where you'll often see

[20:55] mountains of garbage piled up under a sign that says No littering allowed and finally for extra credit number six You know, you're in a shithole country when you're reminded as soon as you land not to cook or drink with tap water Of course, we all know tap water around the world is contaminated with plastics and pollutants and pesticides, etc Every gringo expat tourist with a half a brain knows he should be drinking purified water But only in a shithole country will you actually be warned with little signs that say don't drink the water It's not potable Oh and one more thing when you see a sign that says don't put the toilet paper in the toilet You're in a shithole country. So anyway, as for me a shithole country checks all of those boxes. It's that simple Nope, I don't have to know the minimum wage the GDP employment numbers. None of that

[21:41] Now, of course us expats living abroad. We like even love living in certain shithole countries It's all about perspective because you know one man's shithole country is another man's paradigm And now for some really sad and stupid news coming out of ecuador and one of the reasons I would never want to live there Dateline ecuador july 2025 Man, I almost vomited when I read this breaking news. It's in the local newspaper and social media el mercurio It's called listen closely and i'll translate they're starting the new Vaccination campaign against covet it says the ministerial of public the ministerio de salut publica Launched a new national campaign for the annual vaccination against covet It is now part of the regular schedule of vaccinations of all people in ecuador

[22:27] The country acquired 250 000 new doses with priority for vulnerable groups including those who've never received the vax And priority groups also include children from six months to four years old From six months to 11 years old and all children over five years and children over six months With immunosuppression and disabilities also included in the mandatory vax program are pregnant and lactating women seniors over 50 adults 18 to 49 with chronic diseases Healthcare personnel and all workers and homes for the aged and children police soldiers firefighters teachers Recyclers garbage collectors and prisoners are also included in the mandatory vax program

[23:14] now all this information has been translated to english and Published in local english language tourist rags and posted with gringo and expat fake book groups and man Heaven i've been telling you all along Ecuador is just filled with thousands and thousands of woke retired shift for brains gringos and gringas And again, I mean that in the kindest most christian kind of way most having retired from government jobs or government public school teaching job And believe me i've been on this story and i've been looking and looking for comments Some kind of resistance coming from the gringo expat community and living in ecuador And there's nothing idiot gringos are swallowing that bs hook line and sinker as if that deadly scourge kovit Just came on the scene yesterday And yet every gringo expat I know and every gringo

[24:01] I know from up in the states has someone in the family close family that's been vaccine injured faced with this new bullshit man, dude Saying they've got shit for brains This is just too kind and you know in a way It's my bad because I used to think becoming a gringo expat, you know getting the hell out of dodge having a plan B Man, we were the canaries in the coal mine light years ahead of all those idiot lemmings living up in the states But man was I wrong turns out some of the biggest idiot wokesters i've come across Our expat gringos living with other expat gringos on the gringo tourist trip here in latin america and man They just seem to love their woke ass fake book groups So bottom line by all means go and get that free kovit booster Pretend that no one you know got backs injured blood clots brain fog heart problems turbo cancer seizures stroke, etc

[24:49] Those idiots at cnn say it's a wonder drug So it must be fine get one now then get one every six months for the rest of your unnatural truncated life Enough said about that and now here's more from the weird name department Man latinos have some weird names then again There's lots of competition from folks up in us ghettos that said been running into lots of elvises lately Let's see the plural of elvis would that be elvi and most of them born well after the real elvis died Most have never heard of elvis or heard an elvis song now when I was living back in the states I never ever met a person named elvis No one would name their kid elvis. It would be considered blasphemous In fact, I remember when that british musician elvis castello first came out

[25:35] I thought man is he pretentious or what you don't name yourself elvis and come out as a musician Who are you trying to kid? Anyway, that's I guess why I never much liked elvis castello Just couldn't get past the name but down here in latin america lots of elvises I met one in an uber the other day just recently. I met a couple of guys named onassis Yeah, and they don't know they were named after aristotle onassas You know jackie kennedy's ugly-ass billionaire husband guess she needed the money after jfk died Man, he looked like a human turtle without the shell then again. So does jeff basils Anyway onassas seems to be a popular name down here Though none of them i've asked seem to know the history behind that name either But the weirdness does not end there then there was this other uber driver. His name was anger martinez

[26:20] First I thought it was angel because you know a lot of people named their kids angel down here guys and gals Funny too when a guy's name is angel, huh? You don't know what to think. Anyway, I met a guy named anger I found out quickly. He did not speak english if he did he probably would have changed it to angel But my favorite latino name for the week just has to be useless. Yeah, that's right useless At least I thought the guy's name was useless because the man that was with him called him useless And at first I thought he was ripping on him cutting up a put down a derogatory name Anyway, I said your kidman. Your name is useless. He nodded slowly smiled and said yeah But as it turned out his name was really Ulysses and his friends and family just shortened it to useless Yeah, that's the way it goes with names here in latin america. So just this month. I met anger martinez and useless valdes

[27:12] Along with elvis something or other and a couple of onassas is Is that how you'd say it the plural of onassas? Would that be onassas or onassas? Anyway, it's never good to saddle your kid with a weird name I don't get why parents would send their kid off into the world on day one with a handicap South you've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat insider seminar in central america Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b. Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com

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