#1387 – The Expat Files: Life, Culture, and Challenges in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started So I was sitting down with a bunch of gringo expats had a coffee shop the other day and one says to me Johnny You know what? They might as well not have horns on cars down here You could beep your horn all day at someone beep your ass off doesn't do a damn thing

[00:47] Guys won't change lanes. They won't speed up. They won't get the hell out of your way They won't stop texting and talking away on their cell phones while driving yet Latinos are nuts about peeping their horns a Total wasted effort if you ask me and you know, I didn't have much of reply. I Could only agree it wasn't really a question. He was asking it was a statement some hell I just shrugged my shoulders and said, you know what? Sometimes I beat my horn too. I know it's futile. I know you do it too. We all do what else you're gonna do When half the drivers are morons and the other half have shit for brains, what's the alternative? What else you're gonna do roll the window down and scream at the guy that won't help either But just to show you that you learn something new every day and I've been down here so long now

[01:36] You think I know pretty much of everything that is when it comes to Latin American peculiarities Well, guess what? I don't even when it comes to reasons why people beep their horns and get no action Guess what? I got that wrong, too So I did learn something new that day at one of those famous quinceaños parties You often get invited to if you sort of mingle with the locals like I do Especially if you've got a latino wife or girlfriend man, you'll never have a lonely weekend. You'll get tons of invites I'm serious tap for every birthday party and quinceaños party Because you know, you're a gringle favorite status. Everyone wants a gringo at their part plus gringos give good gifts That's the rumor. It's the fact, too. Oh By the way, another thing I've learned is that for Christmas quinceaños or regular birthday parties

[02:24] You don't give cash as a gift. That's a no-no down here faux pas now up the states people love getting cash I mean you get that envelope, right? Think of those Italian weddings You've seen the movie the godfather the first part where it starts out with a big wedding and everyone's handing envelopes to the groom. I Had my communion and confirmation and birthday parties all that stuff. I certainly hated getting close I'd squish the package and think oh, no not another shirt, man I wanted those envelopes. I wanted the $5 bill back then man five dollars was big money to a kid for five bucks You could have a good time all weekend But let's not go into how the US has destroyed our purchasing power. Anyway, I repeat It's not a good idea to give Latinos or Latinos at one of those birthday parties Christmas

[03:15] Cash and Don't hide cash in a nice card with a clever saying that won't work either down here in Latin America Even though Latinos absolutely need the money man, you know, a lot of them are living right on that bitter edge of poverty Well, they've got their pride and just giving them 20 bucks That shows a lack of respect that you didn't put any effort into going out and getting a real present So then the question is what do you give a Latino who's got everything or nothing? Now I admit it one of those parties when you watch the Latino guy or gal open their gifts Man, I can't tell you how many times I was thinking I wouldn't want that knick-knack in my garage or my doghouse But hey, it's about the fact that you picked it out yourself. You were thinking about that person It was a gift from the heart an ugly or useless gift But still a gift from our it proves you're a friend and you thought more about that person than just slipping them a 10 or 20

[04:06] The irony is that same person might come around to you Maybe the next day even and ask for a loan. Hey only in Latin America By the way Did you ever get a really tacky or ugly gift throw it in the closet and then repackage it and give it to someone else At a later date. I've done it. How about you? Yeah, I know it's sort of risky. You're taking a chance Anyway, I was at this Latin American quinceaños party, you know, a 15 year old girl coming out party A very big deal down here. Anyway, you regular listeners I've heard me say many times if you speak Spanish or can speak Spanish well enough that the locals will freely converse with you Man, you'll have a leg up in latin society forever. You'll learn things about latinos and living in latin america You'll never find out any other way Anyway, there's maybe eight or ten of us sitting on the veranda the porch outside on some very rickety and moth-eaten deck chairs

[04:59] By the way, the house was right out in front of a very busy street And suddenly a truck lays on the horn and you know, some of these trucks have air horns. They just blast And I had the normal reaction. I said man. Why do they do that? Doesn't do any good at all That's so annoying. You guys live so close to the road How do you sleep at night with all that noise? And one of the guys sitting in our group, uh latin guy, of course, he said to me look for years I was a truck driver. He said you might think blowing the horns just an annoyance, but it's not He said most of the time when a truck driver blows his horn he's trying to tell you more often than not That is if you're not just pokey and he wants to get around you that his brakes are bad He's saying look out. Give me some distance my brakes suck

[05:47] And I looked at him and said are you serious? You mean a lot of those beeps are because the guy's got crappy brakes. He said yeah, or almost no brakes at all I've been in that situation a lot myself Talk about learning something new every day Man, i'll tell you that gave me a whole new outlook on driving down here in latin america You know what I mean? But you know what he said stands to reason because you know, there are no truck inspection stations You know like on the big highways up in the states you got to pull over once in a while and they do an inspection Well, that's not the case at all here in latin america and obviously up in the states and europe and canada Anyway, if you work for a big trucking company They keep the trucks up to snuff. They've got a maintenance crewers are supposed to have Anyway, just a new little tidbit for you listeners out there

[06:32] If you're down here in latin america and a truck is approaching barreling away blowing his horn He might not just be doing it to piss you off He actually might have problems with his brakes. So keep your distance You don't want to be too close to him if he has to hit his brakes They may not kick in. Oh and another thing I mentioned this in a previous show Probably mentioned it a couple of times, but it's worth repeating trucks love to pass on curves I know I know totally illegal and very dangerous, but still they do it Why because there's no consequences as far as the police are concerned You never see them pull over a stop or ticket a truck for passing on curves Probably because cops pass on curves themselves Though some of the most horrific accidents here in latin america are those caused by trucks passing on curves

[07:18] So eyes wide open especially when you're driving through the mountains. Oh and another thing that x truck driver told me he said That's why many big trucks container trucks and semi-trailers will roll through stop signs yellow and red lights Turns out he said when they see almost no traffic coming from the left or right They'll roll on through to preserve what little breaks they have left Good to know but a fairly terrible thing to contemplate, huh? Again only in latin america, but I kind of wish that truck driver had not have clued me in You know that ignorance is bliss thing On second thought I wish someone would have put together a little pamphlet to be handed out to green gringles and expats on arrival Titled something like this things. You really need to know about latin america before you dive in head first

[08:06] Hmm, maybe I should write that pamphlet, huh? The problem is it wouldn't be a simple pamphlet. It'd be more like an encyclopedia All right moving on. Of course, we all know halloween is over. I got a call from my mom the day after halloween. She told me she had 147 kids come to her door Yeah, that's my mom. You know, she's 100 percent german double phd. Of course, she's gonna count heads I know. I know it sounds like she's a little on the spectrum. No, she's not it turns out. She bought 200 of those mini chocolate bars, you know those little mini hershey's snickers milky way assortment packs So the next day she went through her candy and counted what was left a total of a hundred and forty seven kids hit her door Here's the thing though. She said in her neighborhood in north chicago

[08:55] She said the municipality announced the official hours for trick and treating were from four to seven o'clock That way the sun was just going down at six. That's what she says and the kids got a little darkness, you know They got the full effect of the spooky halloween decorations on porches and all that So anyway by seven o'clock at night the whole thing petered out then she said at 8 30 Someone came to the door more kids way past the allotted official time a bunch of kids that had no costumes A bunch of kids that didn't speak english Hey, look if I was an illegal alien and I knew That certain neighborhoods were giving away free candy and goodies I'd send my kids out on that mission. Wouldn't you? Now normally my mom said, you know, if kids show up in the door and they don't have a costume at all

[09:44] She'd still give them a treat but say hey, where's your costume? That's the deal. You put on a costume I give you a treat. That's how she knew they didn't speak english when she asked. Where's your costume? She said they were talking to each other in spanish or heishin creole, whatever Then I said mom did it ever cross your mind that was their costume Maybe they dressed up as illegal aliens She said yeah, right. Haha Hmm My mother never did have much of a sense of humor Yep, you heard right illegal aliens trick or treating Getting bust in or making their way somehow to nice neighborhoods The point is though, that's just a symptom of the metastasizing cancer. That's afflicting the whole united states man Am I glad I live in latin america? How I got so lucky. I don't know

[10:31] By the way, lots of people ask me about halloween and trick-or-treating here in latin america. Well, guess what? It does go on They're picking it up and catching on to it more and more every year You know it used to be a time i'd go into a grocery store like even bryce mart Which is really costco down here in walmart And there were no pumpkins to buy to put out on your porch or out in the yard And no sections in those stores where they had halloween paraphernalia, you know costumes skeletons ghosts witch hats You know that's what it was like 30 plus years ago when I first got down here and now a couple of dozen years later During the fall season every variety store has a section with halloween stuff And of course bars and discos have a halloween party where they give prizes out for the best costume and stuff You rarely saw that 30 years ago except at american style franchise hotels like hilton's and all the ends

[11:24] And now those kind of things are routine events very common But as far as actual trick or treating that's a different thing altogether. It's not like up in the states It's done down here. All right, but only on a very limited basis For example, if you live in a gated guarded community, you know where people have money money enough to pay high maintenance fees Because you need to pay maintenance fees If you've got a guard at the gate 24 7 checking cars coming in and out And your maintenance fee goes to pay your gardening crew to keep the roads free and clear and chop the weeds etc You've heard me say in a previous show that if you live in a gated guarded community You'll pay a maintenance fee of anywhere from 35 to maybe 100 bucks a month That's if you're living in a freestanding home with a lot and all Now if you're living in a gated guarded community in an apartment complex your maintenance fee is going to be a little higher probably

[12:14] anywhere from 50 to 150 bucks a month depending how many square foot you're living in And if your complex has a pool or not down here if you're living in a high rise residential tower First world all the way or an apartment complex that's first world all the way Your maintenance fee will usually be between 50 cents and a dollar Per square meter of living space. That's how they'll calculate it and the square meter is about 10 square feet So if you're living in a very nice gated guided community in an apartment complex or high raised tower and you've got a thousand square feet Of living space that's a hundred square meters You could very well be paying a hundred bucks a month for your maintenance fee Though if you're talking about an older gated guarded community, let's say built 25 or 35 maybe 50 years ago

[13:03] Not quite up to first world standards. It's a little bit rough around the edges You might pay three to five bucks a square meter That means if you're living in a thousand square foot apartment, you might be paying 50 bucks a month for maintenance And that usually includes water Garbage pickup streetlights in your neighborhood, you know electricity provided to them The salary for the guards that are at your gate and if you're living in a really big gated guarded community Let's say it's got 200 separate houses You'll certainly have a couple of full-time guards walking the beat or riding bicycle Just kind of patrolling around makes for a very safe neighborhood Anyway, those guys have to be paid which is coming out of your maintenance fee, too Now i'm bringing this up because many if not most gringles and expats living down here in latin america live in gated guarded communities

[13:49] Mostly because they're very organized nice clean and safe If you live in one of those so-called colonies, that's what they call them down here colonias Your latino neighbors will definitely be making more money than the average latino to have nicer cars Most of them business owners and professionals Most of them extreme gringo wannabes whose mission in life is to go to my jammy once in a while shopping And of course hid disney world and nova york and some if not all At least once in their life will be able to do that And because most upscale latinos are severe gringo wannabes Their kids will trick or treat in the neighborhood within their own gated guarded neighborhood. That is In fact around halloween time your gated guarded neighborhood might look just like a lot of regular neighborhoods up in the states

[14:35] halloween decorations here and there pumpkins scarecrow skeletons and witches on the porch In fact, that's become sort of a signal to parents who want to bring their kids trick or treating You just go to the houses that have halloween decorations. You know, you'll get some candy then You'll get a treat. They're the ones playing ball and in most gated guarded communities i'd say about every Third or fourth house has some decorations In other words, it's kid friendly for trick or treat night A lot depends though on how many really devout christians and catholics are in that gated guarded community because Some real strict religious folks here in latin america don't go along at all with the halloween thing. They think it's satanic You'll hear people talk about that once in a while, especially old timers

[15:22] I've heard latino old timers. Tell me it's sacrilegious the devil's work But the latino under 50 crown they're very much gringo wannabes and most of them are pretty well bought in And of course netflix has helped a lot with that too. You know latin american netflix Everything's in spanish now too runs all those famous and infamous halloween and slasher movies for at least a month before halloween So latinos are being well indoctrinated to the holiday They're catching on more and more each year In fact, that was in the bank just about four or five days ago the day before halloween and the cashiers were wearing little witch hats and With little paper ghosts and skeletons taped to the glass on the front door Man things have really changed down here in latin america in the last 30 years Thanks to three things basically the internet the iphone and netflix. So is that a good thing? Well, not necessarily

[16:13] But still there's one thing that never changes here in latin america. That's Good old lag time. It seems to be a permanent fixture Funny thing too as much as us gringles and expats complain about if you could snap your fingers and suddenly it would go away I think that would not be a good thing Seems to me for as much as we complain about lag time. It's one of those things that gives latin america. It's charm Though maybe the word charm is too nice a word ironically as gringles and expats have a love hate relationship with it We'd love to see lag time go away completely. Then the plumber and electrician would actually show up on time However, if that were to happen latin america would become way too much like the us Then plumbers and electricians down here would charge a hundred bucks an hour Just like in the states instead of 20 bucks a day

[17:02] I don't know how you guys and gals do it live in the states. That is All I have to do is read the news feeds coming out of the states and it makes me think man How do I get so lucky living here in latin america? When I could have been stuck on that chicago treadmill for the rest of my life Certainly a much shorter and more painful life, too I bet i'd be on six or seven prescription medicines by now. Yep I could be living out my life in chicago a hundred junk food restaurants within spitting distance of my wheelchair Everything including the water fortified with vitamin p you've heard of vitamin p right plastic Hmm what an amazing gift that first world life, huh? Oh, and how about this? I was at that party the other day, you know that quinceaños party And you know, this is a solid middle-class latino neighborhood not a gringo around except me

[17:51] Anyway, we're all sitting outside on the veranda. Maybe 12 or 15 of us I'm the only gringo, of course and suddenly two taxi cabs pulled up to the house next door The doors flung open and guess what? Out came six or seven mariachis, man Yeah, it was a mexican mariachi man, you know with the big sombreros and all that in full rig alia You know the traditional clothes all sparkling and velvet boots so pointed. They look like spacex rockets Anyway, they piled out of those two cars and dusted themselves off Assemble themselves together on the front long instruments and all They walked over to the front veranda of the house next door and started in on a typical mariachi That's when the latina next to me. I didn't know her very well

[18:36] She said oh look that could only mean one of three things. I said, oh, yeah for instance She said number one. She said it's either someone's birthday an anniversary or some kind of special celebration Number two, it could be a guy in the process of courting a girl spending some big bucks on a mariachi band She said that will often clinch the deal if she hasn't committed to him yet Or number three when a mariachi band shows up It could be some unfaithful guy caught in the act who's hired mariachis. It's a desperate plea for forgiveness So I learned another thing about latin culture. I'd never known in my 30 years down here first off Mariachi bands no matter how tattered they look or how drunk they sound when they're playing their music

[19:22] Don't come cheap to me. They never sound quite in tune always sound like they're half in the bag What I learned though is mariachi bands are expensive at least to the average latino Minimum a hundred bucks to get them to show up at your house to play for just an hour And as it turns out doesn't matter if you're in mexico argentina panama peru latinas latin ladies consider hiring a mariachi band to show up at the house is one of the most romantic things a guy can do I've been told that normally only happens two or three times in an average girl's life That is a mariachi band appears out of nowhere and starts serenading you Hopefully though, it's not for reason number three a cheating boyfriend or husband begging for forgiveness So anyway when the girl next to me explained all that I said look

[20:08] There's something I don't get about mariachi bands. You can't dance to their music It's slow and sappy that doesn't make sense because latinas love to dance. So that's one strike against them Secondly, they sound like they're drunk. I'll tequila it up and out of tune They're sort of like an artifact from the past They seem so out of place like a bad black and white poncho via movie yet. What you're telling me is The act of hiring one is an extremely romantic gesture. I said to her. I don't get it Can you explain that to me, please? She says I know you're right, but I can't explain it She says I suppose it's like you gringos have when carolers show up at your door around christmas A bunch of half-drunk people show up at your door. It's snowing out. It's christmas eve They start singing no matter how bad they sound it just sort of touches your heart and you know what? She had me there

[20:56] touche Then something funny happened. I said, how do you even find a mariachi band to hire one? Do they advertise online or something? And guess what the guy next to her pulled out as well and showed me a business card from a mariachi band I said man, that's convenient. He said yeah, every latino has one in case of emergency That way if you get caught cheating on your girl You've got the cure or a fighting chance at a cure anyway a mariachi band on speed dial Man, i'm not kidding you that really happened How could you make this stuff up a guy with a tattered mariachi business card on demand? What's even more amazing is the massively high percentage latinas who will forgive their boyfriend or husband when he's caught Red-handed cheating on him mariachi band or not though mariachis do help certainly the woman scorned does not take it lightly

[21:47] And they don't let him off easy, but after a week or two or a month they come around 95 of latinas will forgive a guy for cheating that as opposed to gringa girls girls up in the states like my own three sisters I have heard them tell stories about themselves and their friends the aftermath of when guys have cheated on them It seems it's exactly the opposite about 95 percent of gringas will not tolerate a husband or boyfriend cheating They do not take those things lightly and do show him the door. Am I wrong about that? I'm judging by what's happened with my own sisters and their friends Man, i'm telling you there ain't no mariachi band in the world Gonna save a gringo boyfriend or husband's ass when he's been caught red-handed cheating I don't care if it's Julio Iglesias singing in that band and it's Eric Clapton playing lead. It ain't gonna happen

[22:36] In fact, I gotta say that latinas and latinos just don't get it when I tell them that up in the states That's gringos and expats have no love at all for mariachi bands In fact when we're in a mexican restaurant or something and they come over to the table We do our best to shoo them away And when I say that latinos give me a look of disbelief like what you don't like mariachis They can't believe the whole world doesn't feel the same way they do about Uh, sorry We hate ragathon too that goes for chicharrones and chicken feet soup, but I don't even like looking at it Yeah, that's right chicken feet soup. They've got it down here in latin america all over the place In fact, you can go into certain grocery stores in the fresh and frozen food section and buy bags of those things Yeah bags of chicken feet Disgusting yuck So if you invite me to your home and I look in your fridge and see a bag of chicken feet i'm out of there

[23:26] All right, let's get to some recent latin american news You know I've been reporting on the fact that for the past month now ecuador Yeah, little ecuador has had blackouts country-wide 10 hours a day for the past month Think about it. How could you live that way? That's why I always say you have to have a plan b when it comes to electricity here in latin america You should have a plan b when it comes to electricity up in the states, too Do you? But more so than ever if you're living down here in latin america You've heard me talk many times about getting off the grid and just how to do it or at least have stand by power minimally a generator Now if you happen to be living in ecuador Which I never really recommended nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there But then again, you wouldn't want to visit if 10 hours a day you've got no electricity, right? Anyway

[24:15] Turns out surprise surprise the government of ecuador has been lying to the people about the electric crisis That according to the news that just been breaking out this week. Listen to this according to the guy that used to be In charge of the country's electrification institute Ine cl he's spilling the beans as an insider name is ricardo butran former chief of the country's Electrification institute he's come out this week and is saying the government is Misrepresenting the entire situation claiming the dire shutdown of electricity 10 hours a day is not Due to the fact they haven't got enough water to spin the hydroelectric turbines This is not true. He says now remember. He's the former head of the whole electrical power grid and distribution network in ecuador

[25:03] He says their main electric power plant the coca coda sinclair built in 2014 has to shut down frequently Because it was badly designed. He says the screens and filters the water must go through Must be cleaned over and over again because of design mistakes It means the plant goes in and out of service all the time He says the coca coda sinclair plant their main plant cost 2.6 billion dollars Designed to produce 1.5 megawatts, but almost never reaches that level Butron and other energy experts agree that the problems that the coca coda sinclair began long before the plant went into operation Despite its large size and expense the project was a rush job and improper studies were made the proper experts were not brought in

[25:50] To do the analysis. He says the geology of the real coca was not suitable for this type of flow through technology But the government built the plant anyway He and the studies state that type of hydroelectric plant works well in europe due to terrain and soil conditions But not at all suitable for mountainous areas like ours The government knew that but built it anyway, unfortunately He says because of gradient issues with our terrain we cannot go back and fix the problem That's why the facility has a very limited life span and will need to be abandoned completely within a few years Electrical engineers brought in and former assistant director of the ion ecl say that this coca coda sinclair plant will go out of service within 10 years They said many people will be blamed for the problems in the design and construction in particular

[26:40] He says the chinese contractor who built the thing should bear much of the responsibility But government engineers also made big mistakes Also, they added that corruption played a major role in the fiasco and it's not clear When the chinese construction company sino hydro began paying big bribes to the government officials in charge of the project However, they know those bribes probably began in the early planning stages Which has put us in the position we are today Says the former chief of the country's electrification institute Hmm so me johnny here again, you know This just once again drives the point home. You should never trust government So by all means have an energy plan b backup like a generator or solar power

[27:27] No matter how beautiful and wonderful your paradise is. It's no fun without electricity You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in central america Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com