#1253 – The Expat Files: Car Washing, Parking, and the Pitfalls of Charity in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Let's talk about something that seems mundane but for gringles and expats has practical applications Since mostly or 80% of you anyway down here in Latin America who will have a plan B You'll also have a car or two or three. That means once in a while. You'll have to have the thing washed, right? Oh

[00:51] And by the way down here in Latin America even guys and gals who own the shittiest of wrecks You know rusted out pieces of garbage that the cops would pull you over for if you're up in the States Well down here even people who have absolute shit boxes wash them once in a while They wash the exterior of the car anyway tell your truth I've been in cars and ubers that I swear to you have never seen a cleaning on the inside Some of them smell so bad like repeated spill after spill of coke's and soft drinks and juices Melted ice cream sweat you name it In fact, I've been in cars when I looked in the backseat there were seedlings sprouting out of the floor I'm not just talking about Latinos who own those kind of cars either are some gringles who go native Their cars and their living quarters look like that anyway when it comes to getting a car wash

[01:41] Well, you know, there's three or four ways you could have that done You can either do it yourself like a lot Americans do, you know, some American guys and gals even like to do that Well, I don't For some Americans, it's a personal thing. They don't like other people touching or getting in their cars I know a few gringles who have a lot of money won't even use Valet parking because they don't want a stranger in the front seat or anyone else They don't know driving their car but back to that necessary Exercise known as a car wash, of course some Americans do it themselves because it's too expensive to get it done, you know Professionally, but can you really call that a profession? So, what do you do for a living Johnny? Well, I'm a certified registered car wash specialist a professional In fact, I'm the car washing this motherfucker you ever met

[02:28] Real chick magnet kind of career, huh? What do you do for a living? In fact, I just looked it up the average car wash in the States If you go to one of those do-it-yourself car washes, you know You put coins in the machine or tokens and you get so many minutes with a do-it-yourself power sprayer That costs on average around ten bucks The fact is many years ago when I lived in the States they had those things and I even hated using those You always ended up getting a soaker in half the year and I lived in Chicago The weather was very cold and let's face it getting wet outside in Chicago It was not fun or being outside and getting wet anywhere up north was not Something you look forward to by the way down here in Latin America I've never seen one of those self-serve car washes where you stick coins or tokens in though. They probably exist somewhere I've never seen one. So you can rule out trying to wash your car that way. By the way, I learned a long time ago

[03:19] It's not worth washing your car yourself. It's so cheap to get it done down here. You won't believe it So why go through the hassle? Another way to get your car washed down here is to ask your maintenance guy or gardener to wash it for you You know for a long long time I had a maintenance guy come to my house Like a regular working guy every day and I made that part of his job to wash my car at least once a week Actually, I had two cars or sometimes even three and I made him wash all three once a week Tell you the truth. He actually loved doing it But most gringles and expats will end up living in an apartment or townhouse at least for a while and therefore no maintenance guy Or gardener so you can rule that out another way to get your car washes Just go shopping when you park your car whether it's on the street or in a parking lot Most often some little guy will come up to you

[04:06] It's always a little guy with a bucket and some dirty towels and he'll offer to wash your car while you're in the supermarket Exterior only of course they must never offer to clean the inside and I wouldn't let him in anyway guy right up the street Just walking around with a bucket. You're gonna leave your car doors open for that guy and go shopping. No way Anyway, like I said, those guys are everywhere on and off the gringo tourist trail and sometimes it'll be that guy who is Unofficially gonna watch your car, you know, yeah park on the street and some guy will come up to you and say watch your car Buddy two bucks. I know I know it's totally unsanctioned and basically illegal to do that But those guys are everywhere and the cops almost never seem to do anything about it So when you're parking on the street and a lot of times it's safe to park on the street if you're close to

[04:51] A shopping center or whatever Anyway, the guy asking to watch your car will be in your face before you even open the door Now you don't have to give them the usual two bucks that they generally ask You can give him 50 cents. What's he gonna do about it? And of course never pay him in advance only when you come back to your car and you're gonna leave The thing is though if he's the same guy that's gonna wash your card and you don't have to give him the two bucks Or 50 cents at all. He's just gonna pay him for the wash and it'll cover everything Oh and by the way There are safe places to park your car on the street if you're just going shopping or in a place for an hour So though if you do have a nice car, it's always better to park in a guarded parking lot The thing is if you have a really nice car and doesn't fit the neighborhood. There's a lot of temptation there Owen that reminds me. Here's another little tip if you're parking in the big city or even the small city

[05:37] And there's lots of traffic around pretty busy Whether on the street or in a parking lot. Remember, there's that personal space issue with Latin Americans You know you and I we like to be at least 18 inches or maybe even two feet away from anyone who's walking next to us Or standing in line. Well for Latin Americans, they could be right up next to you right on top He and that wouldn't matter to him To us it's an invasion of personal space, but to them it's pretty much normal. Same thing goes for parking a car Sometimes you'll park in a wide open space come back after some shopping and see that you're jammed in Two inches away from a junk on neither side. Yeah, though. If the guy next to you has a nicer car Maybe it's three or four inches away I'll tell you many times I've been in a parking lot where I couldn't get in or out of my own door because the guy

[06:23] Parks so close to me. It was impossible. So you have to shimmy across and go out the passenger side And no, I'm not US grade-a fat. I have not an ounce of extra fat on me I'm exactly the right weight for my height six foot about a hundred and seventy pounds Sometimes, you know, I think I can hardly imagine the problems Fat person or a big-bellied person might have getting in and out of a car down here in one of those tight parking spaces That said now I know why car manufacturers just a few years ago. Anyway developed push-button retracting side view mirrors They must have had Latin American drivers and parking lots in mind though Some cars cheap cars and older cars don't have them The tip to remember here is when you park your car Retract those side view mirrors suck them in or risk having them scratched or lopped off

[07:14] Now I ask you how many times has had happened to you up in Cleveland probably never right? I bet you'd never had a side mirror lopped off in a parking lot or in traffic Well down here you see damaged and missing side view mirrors all the time hell more than a handful of times I've been sitting stationary at a stoplight or a stop sign when one of those human cockroach rice burning motorcycle guys Whipped alongside of me and scratched or dislodged the side view mirror and then they're out in front of you running a red light And you're fuming Nothing to do but reach in the glove compartment for that gun. You're glad it's not there. I When you're sitting right there in the driver's seat a foot away from him Imagine the care and precautions they'll take when you're not in the car and parked down the street

[08:00] Yeah, right you longtime listeners might remember the story I told way back when when I returned to my car which was parked on the street and I saw this indigenous lady Changing her kids diaper on the hood of my car And when I walked up to her made a sour-faced and crossed my arms like I was pretty annoyed She gave me a look that kind of said give me a minute, bud Can't you see I've got a job to do? By the way car wash prices down here in Latin America very dramatically depending if you're on or off the gringo tourist trail Oh and the price bit the opening offer will vary quite a bit too depending if you're a gringo or a local For example, you park your car in the street or in a parking lot a little guy with a bucket comes over and says car wash Now the guy might only know ten words of English, but he'll know that phrase car wash

[08:49] Anyway, he'll see you're a gringo and you'll say cuanto questa How much does it cost and he might say five bucks in the equivalent funny money? Which by the way is a pretty good deal judged by the fact that I just looked up what the price of a car wash In the States is a hand car wash exterior only from ten to twenty five bucks So if the little guy says five bucks, that's a pretty good deal. The thing is though if you were a local He probably would have said two or three bucks So if you're a seasoned gringo or just type in a like bargaining You could say two bucks and end up settling at 250 or three And usually if you hold your price at two or three bucks and they say no way Most times when you start walking to your destination, they'll say alright now those little guys on the street or in a parking lot with

[09:34] A bucket they do a pretty good job considering the water that they've got in that bucket It's probably clean three or four cars before you which doesn't sound too appealing does it? In a way, it's like taking a bath in someone else's bathwater not a pleasant thought but it gets the job done Because you've got to remember most of these little guys on the street don't have a consistent water supply I mean They're just walking around washing cars right and they get the water where they can from a tap sticking out of the wall of a building Or a local car check somebody's sprinkler system Nevertheless, somehow they get the job done now as for me Sometimes I use those guys on the street But most often I go to a regular standalone car wash business you drive up There are five or six little guys there with rags and buckets There's usually a little place you could sit with a couple of tables where you could have a cup of coffee a beer and some

[10:23] junk food I'll take a coffee black. No sugar hold the beer in the junk food. Thank you very much And man, I'll tell you those guys really know how to clean a car inside it out And even if they got two or three guys working on your car It could take an entire hour For them to get it spic and span and they do a job and generally that'll cost you between eight and ten bucks in the state said it cost you 25 or 30 for sure because remember they're doing the interior too. Oh and they will try to upsell you usually for around 25 bucks, they'll shampoo your seats and steam clean your motor for 25 bucks down here They'll do a detailed job that would cost you a hundred or more in the States But there'll be no dickering with these guys because it's a standard car wash operation

[11:10] You know a legit business and they've got posted prices But man, I'll tell you to get the standard wash on the outside and the inside cleaned up It's worth double or triple what you pay. Oh, and by the way, you might be wondering how they could sell beer at a car wash well Not a problem. You don't need a liquor license down here to sell beer or even regular booze Unless it's an actual bar restaurant or disco another thing You gotta love about Latin America, by the way, not so long ago. I went to one of those regular Registered car washes and man, the owner was cleaning up Mmm Was an hour wait to get your car washed because the owner had a special gimmick going talk about the gringo advantage in business Or let's say first world advantage You've probably heard me say when you come down here and you're looking for a business idea

[11:55] You don't have to reinvent the wheel you just take a wheel That's going kind of slow and rusty then polish it up and spin it faster You know people like to get their car washed at any particular time But when they've got their family or kids with them that complicates things. What do you do with your kids at the car wash? They just get into trouble or get bored. Whatever Well, it turns out the owner of this car wash He had a section roped off with five different batting cages in it. I'd never seen anything like it before Obviously, he bought these things and had them professionally installed You put 50 cents in a slot and you get 10 balls and where you put your money in you pick the velocity You want the ball thrown at you? So I was sitting there watching those guys in the batting cages pretty amusing actually I noticed most of the kids set the velocity way too fast and couldn't hit a thing

[12:44] The first 10 balls would whip by they didn't even crack a foul ball Then it was back to Daddy who was sitting at a table sucking up a beer to hit up for more change Then with the second round the kids learned their lesson drop the velocity down and could actually hit a few balls man I'll tell you on a weekend I bet that guy makes more money on the batting cages than he does on the car wash You could see the kids just loved it When I was getting my car wash sitting around with a coffee for about an hour I watched no less than five different kids harass their parents for more coins. I thought man. That's a great idea Pretty ingenious turns out the owner of the place was not a Latin American at all Was a European who came over some years back half German half Italian married a local Latina girl Started a car wash knew he had competition. So he put that little twist on it that batting cage thing

[13:35] He had the machines imported from the States said it cost him around 20 grand to buy and install the machines He said they paid for themselves in the first year just goes to show first world ingenuity in that case First world European ingenuity don't sell those Europeans short think of Ferrari Mercedes Range Rover Audi MG Airbus and all those Nikoya phones Remember those coming out of Scandinavia Anyway, what I'm saying is it took a foreigner a European to get creative in the mundane world of the car wash business here So anyway, as mentioned there are various ways to get your car washed down here And the last way is one of those automatic car washes, you know The car is never touched by human hands a conveyor belt takes your car through an automated car wash chamber, etc

[14:22] Well, you know, there's not a lot of automatic car washes like that here But you see them once in a while integrated mostly with shell or Texaco stations I sort of figured out why it's that maintenance thing again or lack of maintenance here in Latin America with those automatic car washes a lot Can go wrong. You've got nozzles compressors water tanks pumps Giant brushes and gears and timers exactly the kind of stuff that needs a lot of regular maintenance That's why when you see those things they're almost always attached or part of a first world gas station set up like a shell Texaco chevron eso, you just don't see them as standalone operations in a parking lot or a field somewhere In fact in all the time i've been down here. I use one of those things only once

[15:08] I think it was five or six bucks, but they only do the exterior right in the end. I wasn't impressed All right moving on to something completely different I want all you idiot american do-gooders and five dollar tippers on vacation in Latin America to pay attention to this Now you long-time listeners have heard me say this over and over again. Maybe to the point of exhaustion Don't give your dough to organized charities. Just don't do it. I know I know it's a hard thing not to do Especially if your church or school group or coffee clutch group or golf club has a favorite charity or two Because they will come around knocking There'll be a lot of peer pressure too to give your fair share usually right around christmas How often do you get hit up and do your cave?

[15:54] Well for all you guys and girls who just can't get it out of your system you get sucked in every year I'm going to do you a little favor. I got a free book for you. Actually, it's not free. I bought it But you send me an email the expat files at gmail.com and i'll send you a copy e-book copy that is It's a great and interesting read called toxic charity It's the book charities don't want you to read the best seller. You've never heard of and for a reason Like that book you probably have read or maybe not and i'll give you that one if you wanted to the real Dr. Anthony falsi by robert kennedy jr. Another absolutely spot-on book impeccably footnote inhibited The thousand references and I mean it a thousand references Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com and i'll send you that one too

[16:43] That falsi book like the book toxic charity a huge best seller that never gets mentioned on the new york times Bestseller list or in the lame stream media bestseller lists for that matter Both of those books beat the pants out of regular top 10 best sellers, but they're not mentioned anywhere Conspicuously obvious the lame stream media just does not want you to know about makes you sick, doesn't it? Well, I guess it's like expat eddie says why is it that stupidity is self-replicating like the covid it virus But smart isn't Getting back to this gringos and their charity thing You know a gringo pastime on the tourist trail, especially is to help those poor locals. They see sort of just scraping by

[17:30] Nothing wrong with that. That's my model help the locals the individuals But isn't it funny the more you get on the gringo tourist trail The more those locals kind of show up en masse Often with a couple of tiny kids if you give a couple of bucks to one of those ladies suddenly a gaggle of Following you around that's what you see on the gringo tourist trail, but funny enough. You don't see it off the tourist trail Why is that something strange about that? Don't you think still if you give to a local lady dragging a couple of scruffy kids behind her it's infinitely better Then giving to an organized charity Because the fact is organized charities are organized So that the organizers get a whole hell of a lot more out of it Then the poll folks are purportedly trying to help The thing is and you probably know this already americans are the most giving people in the world

[18:19] Look it up other countries and other cultures don't even come close Even do gooders in other first world countries like european countries or japan or australia and new zealand canada They don't even come close to the amount gringos give to charity per capita The fact is you ask any gringo or tourist ask them. What's your favorite charity? They won't even have to think twice. They'll name one two or even a half dozen United way salvation army jerry's kids or have they changed it? Is it jerry's people or persons? Who knows the world has certainly gone nuts Yep The fact is every tourist trail do good or gringo has a pet local charity that does about zero good For those it purports to serve but it sure does make the giver feel good at least for a little while

[19:05] While we're on the topic I want to read a little excerpt from this book so you can get an idea what you're in for If and when you read it and I hope you do By the way, it was written by a guy who was asked deep in the do-gooder charity business A guy who saw so much of what really was happening He just couldn't take it anymore and he had to write a tell-all and man does he blow the lid off the organized charity business? Even the small organized charities that don't have the money or the means to do big marketing on tv or on billboards He shows in how many different ways those organizations are corrupt too That is if your definition of corrupt is they take about 80 percent of what they get and distribute it As perks and salaries amongst the organizers and the board members

[19:50] So then is that really corrupt when 20 percent or less of the dough that's donated gets to the actual charity recipients? Is that your definition of corrupt? It sure fits mine So anyway, let me read a couple of selections from this book How about this as we do-gooders converge on inner city neighborhoods to plant flowers and pick up trash We bruise the pride of the residents who have the capacity and responsibility to beautify their own environments We do-gooders fly off on mission trips to poverty-stricken villages hearts full of pity and suitcases bulging with giveaway goods trips that one nicaraguan leader describes as effective only in Quote turning my people into perpetual beggars unquote

[20:37] The author goes on to say giving to those in need what they could be gaining from their own initiative May well be the kindest way to slowly destroy people He says local entrepreneurship declines as dollars and free resources flood in from the outside People become conditioned to waiting for the next mission group to arrive instead of building their businesses and societies through their own efforts He says all of us do-gooders who have served among the poor for any length of time will recognize the following progression of events number one Give once and you elicit appreciation number two give twice and you create anticipation number three Give three times and you create expectation

[21:25] number four Give free things four times and it becomes entitlement number five Give free things five times and you establish dependency Even he says after analyzing the problem thoroughly i've developed an oath for compassionate service it goes like this Number one never do for the poor what they have or could have the capacity to do for themselves Number two limit one way giving to only emergency situations like for example hurricanes or natural disasters number three Empower the poor through employment lending and investing Don't use free money and grants always tie what you do for the locals to some meaningful worker service

[22:18] Number four listen and observe closely to those you seek to help especially to what is not being said by them Unspoken feelings may contain essential clues to effectively serve them Number five above all do no harm By the way in this book. He's got a whole chapter of what he calls examples of do-gooder stupidity Let me read just a couple of these number one Expenditures for a week of service by church and college groups are grossly out of proportion to what is actually accomplished For example us mission teams who rushed into honduras to help rebuild homes destroyed by hurricane mitch spent on average $30,000 per new home

[23:05] It was later determined that the same homes could have been built by the locals for 3000 bucks each in other words the do-gooder spent 10 times the amount on each home Then the locals would have spent had they done it themselves example number two The money spent by one campus ministry to cover the costs of their central american mission trip Just to repaint an orphanage would have been sufficient to hire two local painters and two new full-time teachers and Purchase new uniforms and desks for every student in the school All for the cost of a mission trip to just repaint an orphanage Do-gooder stupidity example number three in a certain honduran village women had to carry water from a supply source miles away

[23:54] They spent hours each day on the road getting water a do-gooder church group came down drilled a well and installed a pump There were cheers and hugs of joy and many gracias señores Then the do-gooders went back home the following year the church's returning missionaries Rumbled up to the village and observed the women carrying water jugs to the river again Turns out months earlier the pump had broken down The missionaries repaired the pump and things were good again. They came back a year later same thing Once again, the women were carrying jugs to the river The locals didn't take up a little collection to do the minimal maintenance necessary They just waited for the do-gooders to return to fix their well Though perhaps the greatest act of do-gooder gringo stupidity ever recorded happened in haiti after the two most recent hurricanes and devastating earthquakes

[24:46] 100 billion dollars with a b in foreign aid flowed into haiti yet the country ended up 25% poorer than before the aid packages arrived and of course, we all know by now or should know by now What happened with the earthquakes in haiti and the criminal clinton foundation, but you know do-gooder ism Is that a word? Is big business according to a princeton university study? They found that 2.6 million american church members took mission trips abroad in 2015 An average of eight days long each at a cost of 4.4 billion dollars with a b It's even got a name. It's called religious tourism It's a huge growth industry If you check the web you'll find it's full of religious tourism agencies

[25:35] denominational Parachurch college and service organizations ready to connect you Or your group on a third world mission for a fee that you pay So you can have a meaningful and fruitful experience in an exotic location just ripe with human need It's amazingly lucrative. For example in the bahamas. It's estimated There's one church missionary mission per year for every 15 residents yet. The people remain stubbornly poor Hmm. How's that happen? So contrary to popular belief most mission trips and service projects do not empower those being served Nor engender healthy cross-cultural relationships nor improve local quality of life nor relieve poverty Nor change the lives of the participants

[26:23] However, most mission trips do weaken those being served Foster dishonest relationships erode the recipient's work ethic and deepen dependency So then what about helping street people? Well, there's simply no way to tell by looking at a street person whether a sob story is legit Or if a person will spend that money on drugs or alcohol But us green goes on vacation with a pocket full of money feel guilty when we turn away beggars So what do you do? Well as for me johnny being from chicago i've seen my sheriff street beggars Sometimes the same people over and over for years and years You know, the truth is giving cash to a beggar is the least helpful of all don't be fooled They know their market all they have to do is portray desperation and we green goes instinctively dig into our pockets

[27:14] But if they're too wretched, they gross us out and we'll be repelled You know, maybe walk to the other side of the street So there is a method to successful begging and having a kid or a dog in tow is even better I'll tell you what in another life if the dice had rolled a different way i'd have been good at it. How about you? You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in central america Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b. Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com